Dave Mustaine does a belly dance, and names his band after toothpaste.

In 1989, I received a gift certificate for a record store called Bambuco, in Bogota's Unicentro shopping mall. I eagerly anticipated the day that I'd be able to use the certificate, since I was already devoting pretty much every waking moment of my day to thinking about metal bands, drawing concerts by metal bands, designing logos for metal bands and so on. This being late 80s Colombia, however, the selection of metal records at local stores was almost always limited to one Ozzy record, and maybe another by the Europe (authors of that timeless classic, the Final Countdown). With that in mind, imagine my surprise when Bambuco had a copy of Megadeth's So Far, So Good, So What on their shelves, among several copies of the latest Julio Iglesias album. Though Megadeth was didn't interest me much, the thought of being able to buy something heavier than Europe was intoxicating, so I got it. Upon taking it home, I was blown away by the speed in the opening track, but hated the whiny vocals, even then. Nevertheless, I was thrilled.

Soon after I got home and listened to the record a few times, my brother called from a friend's house. I was so excited to tell him about the record, that I made a simple mistake that continues to haunt me to this day. I told him, "I got a new record! It's awesome, but I don't know if you'll like it. It's by the band Mentadent". Yes ladies and gentlemen, in my excitement, I had neglected to realize the band's actual name, and had confused it with the brand of toothpaste that had been recently released in Colombia.

And now, to celebrate this story, I bring you this animated GIF that I put together for all of you. Enjoy it, and if you link to it, or post it somewhere, please be kind enough to credit Metal Inquisition. I mean, after all, how many blogs tell you unbelievably thrilling stories about thinking a band was named after toothpaste?

Scene archetypes: People who annoy me

You can say what you want about us here at Metal Inquisition. You can call us assholes, posers, old, whatever- and you'd probably be right. But don't ever say that we don't love you, because we do. We are here to help, like true friends. One of the toughest parts about being a friend is telling your friends when they are being a retard. It's tough, but you have to! With that in mind, we are willing to bet that the majority of you guys are retards, and the best thing we can do for you is to help you identify it so you can start to correct your problem. Admitting it is the first step. This is far from a comprehensive list of all the annoying d-bags in the scene, but it should get you started.

"I love Jesu!!"

The Beardo/Relapse Dork
Let's start with an easy target. You know this guy... he says shit like "Dude I just got the new Gridlink 11" EP on 180 gram colored vinyl, it's a Japan-only, hand-numbered limited edition of 1. They haven't even written it yet, but I have it. It's amazing!!"* Please note how much they love to call things "amazing." It's a good example of how the defining characteristic of the Beardo is that they are way too fucking enthusiastic about the dumb shit they are into and won't shut up about it because they are socially awkward dorks who have no ability to detect your complete lack of interest in their nerdy bullshit (such as obscure black metal).

Also, you can be a Beardo without actually having a beard, although of course that makes you even more of an asshole if you do have one. The beard is merely a symbol that you have no ability to understand how the world sees you, because if you did you would throw yourself on a sword in shame before you had time to get out the trimmer.

Psyopus: Do they have a noise side-project?? If not, that's the only thing that could make them bigger Relapse Dorks.

Then there is the Beardo's kissing cousin, the Relapse Dork. The differences are subtle, with the main one being that the Relapse Dork is like half Wanker, half Beardo. Rather than beating off to pictures of obscure Hydra Head releases like Beardos, they follow Brutal Truth around on tour, collecting Dan Lilker's pubes that fall off onto the rims of the urinals in venue restrooms and saving them in plastic baggies so they can brag about it on the Relapse board while they gush about the Human Remains demo.

* I stole the "they haven't even written it yet, but I have it" line from Lifesucksdie #3

I was trying to find a more original picture than Mosh Girl, but, well, it pretty much says it all. See how grossed out everybody is when girls try to act like boys??

The Tuff Girl
She's so different from all the other girls!! She's just like one of the guys!! She's up front at all the shows moshing her, uh, balls off! Don't treat her like a girl or she will punch you in the face because she's tuff! See, she has a Terror shirt and brass knuckle necklace to prove it! You can also tell from her chest piece and surly, unfriendly demeanor. I knew a girl like this back in the day. I went to like Taco Bell or something with her, and was about to sit down when she told me, "Wait let's sit over there, I don't like sitting with my back to the door." I laughed and said, "Who the fuck are you, Billy The Kid?!" Anyway, these girls suck because they are like the worst of both worlds: all the annoying parts about dudes in the mannish body of an ugly girl.

If you want to show all the boys that you like punk, this is a much better option than trying to be tuff. Just smile and hold my coat while I dance.

Look, I get it... girls can listen to metal and hardcore too. Nothing wrong with that. I hung out with this 22 year-old girl last week who was listening to Old Man's Child while she drove me around in her Acura (this really happened). But ladies, you really don't have to try as hard as Tuff Girl if all you want is male approval because your daddy didn't love you enough. Just stand around looking cute and giggling demurely at my jokes, that's all I ask of you.

He looks so happy, willfully ignorant that Fear Factory ever released an album after Demanufacture

Mr. Old School
You could rightly accuse some of us here at Metal Inquisition of being Mr. Old School- probably everybody except me, since I mostly listen to Forever The Sickest Kids, not metal. To Mr. Old School, they stopped making good metal records somewhere between 1992 and 1994 and anything else is trendy garbage and/or simply flew under their radar.

For example, I told Lucho a few years ago that "Don't Care" was one of the best Obituary songs. "Hmm, I don't think I know that one," he said. I told him it was from "World Demise" and he said "Oh, well I never heard their newer albums," and I was like "Dude that shit came out in like '94." You see how frustrating it is to deal with Mr. Old School?? It's like talking to your grandparents who think Eisenhower is still president and ask you who is going to be on Johnny Carson tonight. As far as Lucho is concerned, metal died when they stopped publishing The Wild Rag... my friend, the world keeps turning.

I'll be honest, this photo has nothing to do with Mr. Old School... but wtf? Why so serious?

Mr. Old School isn't really annoying, just disappointing. He just stopped trying. And I get that: at some point music isn't really the center of your life anymore, especially metal. But Mr. Old School is like the dude who gets married, then instantly gets fat and never wears anything but sweat pants. Sure, he can let down his hair a bit because who does have to impress, but his wife is like "This isn't the guy I married!" and walks out on his ass. I'll never walk out on Lucho, but I do wish he would buy jeans from H&M or Forever 21 instead of the Gap and Old Navy (that's not a joke, it's seriously where he gets his jeans). He could probably wear size 4 girl jeans without too many problems.

Thanks to ironic hipsters, these kids look like they should be in a band that's opening for Atreyu

The Dinosaur Rocker
Did you know there are people in the 2K9 that actually listen to Manowar, Iron Maiden, Saxon, Keel, and other shit that I am pretty sure Confederate soldiers jammed on the way to do battle in the civil war?? It's true, they are called Dinosaur Rockers. An even more decrepit and out of touch version of Mr. Old School, they are frozen in time like so many denim-vested insects in amber. Like the doddering fossils that shamble through the halls of nursing homes, waiting to die, Dinosaur Rockers have no idea where they are or what's happening around them. I can't even laugh at them, all I can do is shake my head in pity, hoping that the lord will call their souls home soon.

You don't have to be old to be a Dinosaur Rocker, just boring and weird

Look, I don't expect everybody to be into Winds of Plague or whatever else is trendy at the moment (although to be fair they are some 2K8.5 shit so already kind of played out), but I seriously don't understand how anybody can non-ironically listen to Bathory, Venom, Accept or whatever. I'm sure those bands were great in 1982 because everything else was wretched at the time, but that shit sounds so lame when you listen to it today. Dinosaur metal sucks!! It's so boring and slow, it sounds like something my mom would listen to. I can just imagine her coming home from the mall, Van Morrisson/Loudness split 7" in hand. New Yorkment said it best on their MySpace:

NO PUSSY ASSED OLDSCHOOL BULLSHIT!! FUCK OLD METAL IRON MAIDEN N MOTERHEAD IS UNBRUTAL SHITTY DINOSAUR METAL!!!!!

Wankers: the only people dumb enough to be in a band because they actually like music, not to get laid

The Wanker
Remember in the 90s when ska got popular, and every annoying redhead that played trombone in jazz band all of a sudden got to be in a "cool" band? Yeah me too. Well, The Wanker is what happens when that kid discovers metal, and it's just as irritating as ska was. Actually it's worse because at least Evan from Mindrot played in Save Ferris so there was at least one cool person in that scene. (Can anyone confirm the rumor that his license plate said MINDROT back then?)

Ugh, look how seriously this jerk takes his music. Die in a fire already.

The Wanker takes everything really seriously, probably because they all suffer from mild Asperger's Syndrome. For example they are the humorless turds that hate all my posts on here because I don't write 9,000 words about how Corner and Mekong Delta are the best bands to ever exist, or a fucking tutorial on how to play Spastic Ink songs on your Chapman Stick. They rival Ani DeFranco fans in their ability to ruin a good time by taking offense at absolutely anything and everything that touches their incredibly thin skin- especially if you praise a band that isn't intellectual enough for their refined sensibilities!!

Speaking of things I would destroy if I had access to the Nocturnus time machine...

But I can't blame them. I'd probably be pissed at the world too if I spent all my time holed up in my room, painstakingly transcribing Behold the Arcoptus songs, only taking my clammy hands off the neck of my guitar long enough to eat a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and see if I won a piece of Sean Reinert's used toilet paper on eBay. I'd be angry if I threw away thousands of hours of my life on playing music only to realize that I wasn't ever going to get laid by playing technical deathcore. In fact it's worse than that: remember in the original Batman movie when he is getting attacked by a shark, but spritzes it with a little Bat Shark Repellent and it runs away instantly? That's what playing mathcore is like, only to hot girls. It's like vagina repellent. They can tell that you'd rather fuck your guitar than them, and that your balls smell bad.

I found this image with that caption already added. I love the internet!

Add your own in the comments!!
I fully realize this only scratches the surface when it comes to describing all the different kinds of annoying people in the scene. It's late and I'm out of funny lines, but I especially wanted to make fun of deathcore kids. Please help, it shouldn't be that challenging!

Retroview: Nitro

George Lynch miniature, anybody?

For better or worse, I am a child of the 80s shred scene. I first started playing guitar in '89, when the magazines were still full of shit like Cacophony, Mr. Big, Vinnie Vincent, Steve Vai, George Lynch, and so forth. Back then, before Nirvana ruined everything and made people understand that songwriting was more important that shredding, we fetishized technique above all else. The magazines were sweet, full of pictures of androgynous dudes with big hair and no shirt making a funny face as they shredded the fuck out of some neon green Washburn. Out of all those bands, though, none of the could hold a candle to Nitro. They played faster, sang higher, and looked more like characters from Mad Max than anyone else! Needless to say, we are huge Nitro fans here at Metal Inquisition, and we think it's high time to look back at this band's output.



OFR (Out Fuckin' Rageous)
Nitro's debut is, without a doubt, one of the finest pieces of recorded music in the history of mankind. And let me be perfectly clear here that while Nitro are hilarious and ridiculous, I 100% non-ironically love this record! Look how the pieces of the logo are exploding out of the letters and shit! BAM!! You can feel the crackling energy!! Some of the highlights:



Freight Train
This song is about how Nitro is like a freight train... whatever that means. I guess it is kind of like the analogy questions on the SAT that are like Nitro:Freight Train :: Racer X:____________ and you have to fill it in (I would have answered that question with "Lambo Countach," by the way). Make sure you watch Michael Angelo blaze the fretboard of his four-necked guitar (count 'em- four necks!). The guy wasn't fucking around. Jimmy Page thought he was onto some shit with his double-necked business, but Michael Angelo took it to a completely different level that is rivaled only by Kane Roberts' assault rifle guitar (below).

Fighting Mad
This song is about a fight. Not only that, but the fight is so heated, it seems likely that someone may lose their life! You can only imagine how intense and vivid the song feels! That said, I feel like parts of it could have been a little rushed. I may be going out on a limb here, but I am going to say that Jim Gillette didn't put a ton of thought into these lyrics:

You never crossed me, I hope you never will
Backed in a corner, I'm forced to kill
Don't say I haven't warned you, you're fucking with your life
Nothing can save you, not even a knife

Seriously? "Not even a knife"? I mean, I don't think anybody expects Shakespeare but come on, at least make it look like you tried.

The liner notes
Many years before 4chan and I Can Has Cheezburger made it cool, Nitro used ironic spelling to great effect in the liner notes of OFR. For example, they articulate their stance on drug abuse as follows: "DRUGZ R 4 DUMFUCKS. DON'T BE A DUMFUCK." Actually, I'm not sure it was ironic, I think they are just dummies who are functionally illiterate. The end result is the same, though, so whatever.

Nice basket of fruit

Bobby Rock
Someday we really need to write a whole post about Nitro drummer Bobby Rock, who is an extremely bizarre human being. For now, please just take a few moments to head over to his site and get some tips on vegan bodybuilding, read some of his erotic stories, and look at pictures of him meditating. It's kind of mind-blowing so make sure you've prepared yourself first with plenty of fasting, prayer, and stretches!! Here's a sample of some of his erotica- it puts Penthouse Letters to shame:

You are brought into the UCLA Medical Division for a top-secret, cutting-edge experiment. It's a referral-only program and, because of a connection you have with an old family friend, you are among the first selected. You meet your contact and are ushered through a few hallways and into a laboratory environment, where various doctors and assistants are walking around this maze of test tubes and computer screens in their long white coats. You are inevitably led to the rear of the lab where you're taken through a security check-point, then down a long corridor. Along the way, your guide has you stop and peer into a makeshift hotel room, which includes a bed, night stand, lamp and bogus painting. Sitting on the bed, dressed comfortably in an orange bath towel and reading a copy of USA Today, is an attractive and fit gentleman in his late twenties, totally oblivious to your looking in.

From there, you and your guide continue down the corridor until you come across an unusual scene: There's a beautiful, nude woman laying unconscious on a hospital bed. She has some sort of Star Trek-looking skullcap gizmo attached to her head, with a cluster of tubes and wires extending out of it and into an intricate, computerized contraption at bedside. Further left is another bed, this one empty.

Another doctor steps forward and details the experiment:

You are to lay down, fully clothed, on that empty bed across from the unconscious woman and have the futuristic headgear attached. Within 20 minutes, you will be asleep, but every aspect of your consciousness will be temporarily transferred over to the woman. In other words, you will actually wake up - with all faculties, memories, personality traits, everything, completely in tact - in the woman's body. You can even see your body asleep on the other bed.

From there, you will be given 20 minutes alone for "self-exploration," just to check out your new body and see how everything works. Then, you are to join the man you saw in the mock hotel setting for a complete, 45-minute sexual escapade, which will include oral sex and intercourse. Afterward, you are to return to the original bed with the headgear, where your consciousness will be shifted back into your body. You will then wake up and, while your body was not actually involved, you will retain all knowledge, memory and sensation of the experience.

Do you have a boner now or what?! That shit is erotic as fuck, huh?

10/10 bloody axes


NITROII: HWDWS (Hot Wet Drippin' With Sweat)
About 10 years ago, I saw the grind/hardcore band Creation is Crucifixion in Cleveland. Somehow or another I ended up talking to one of the guitarists about Nitro, and he told me he would make me a copy of HWDWS, but he fucking never did. Fast forward to about 18 months ago, and he ended up being the DJ at Lucho Metales' wedding (he does it for a living). After requesting Lil John's "Snap Yo Fingaz," I asked him if he was ever going to get me that copy of HWDWS. He still didn't have it, which was kind of disappointing at the time, but in retrospect was probably for the best. There are a few goods jams such as "Boys Will Be Boys" and "Turnin' Me On," but it just isn't nearly as good as OFR. In fact, if it wasn't for OFR, I would probably be totally into this album. I mean, pick it up if you see it, just for the sake of completeness, but don't get your hopes up, you know?

7/10 bloody axes

Where Are They Now? Marty Friedman Edition

Just last week Metal Inquisition spoke out about the obvious, and disturbing antisemitic visuals in Megadeth's "Hangar 18" video. Our primary concern was the insulting alien that appears on screen as Marty Friedman is shredding his way through what has to be my favorite among the 39 guitar solos in that song. Note the Friedman-like hair and, and the seriously offensive nose on this alien. Mustaine was certainly trying to send a message to Friedman.


Having no information to the contrary, Metal Inquisition researchers determined that this was surely one of the reasons why Marty eventually left Megadeth (that, and being asked to come up with a signature coffee blend for Legend's Cup Coffee). So the next question we all asked ourselves is "where is Marty Friedman now?" Read on to get the answer.

Have you ever watched TV from Japan? You know the shows I'm talking about...the ones with the mindless screaming, the crazy writing that takes over the screen (and has sound effects), the unnecessary freeze-frames, and the dancing? Maybe you've caught some of it on cable or satellite...perhaps you've seen it on your local station when they show you wacky shows or commercials from around the globe. So much weird crap happens on those shows, that most of us are left with an unsettling feeling that we will never, ever understand other world cultures. It's worth mentioning that many Americans have reported having a similar reaction to watching Univision, and wondering why there's so many puppets and adults dressed as children in Latino television. Because of such television shows, many people feel that we will all live knee-deep in xenophobia for the rest of our lives, and that we will never understand those around us.

Enter Marty Friedman, the beloved afroed Megadeth shredder who spent the better part of the 90s wearing skin tight jeans and Nike Air hightops that were each roughly the size of a Buick. Yes, we all know him as the guy who took the job playing with Megadeth because he lost a bet in 1990...but his life is very different now, and his mission is to bridge the gap between western and eastern cultures.

Here we see a western man bowing to his Asian host at a cultural awareness summit co-chaired by Marty Friedman. During said summit the subjects of culture, guitar shredding, 4-minute guitar solos, tremolo picking, hair care and hair products in thrash metal, treatment of alien in American Air Force bases and many others were discussed by a multi-cultural panel of distinguished guests.

That's right, Mr. Friedman now lives in Japan and he hosts the TV show ヘビメタさん (Mr. Heavy-Metal), as well as Rock Fujiyama. Don't ask me how he got hired, but someone in HR must have been asleep at the wheel. Not only is he a TV personality, he also writes for Japanese music publications and continues to dazzle an entire culture with his unbelievable curly locks. Take note, however, that Marty is starting to look more and more like Paul Stanley. Pretty soon, he'll look exactly like Paul...meaning he'll look like a Jewish housewife.



I'm confused. Wait, is that a swastika on his shirt? Jesus, he's wearing Paul Stanley's boots! He moved to a country where everyone is as short as he is...but he still has to show his western-centric, ugly-american side by showing everyone he can tower over them.




Marty Friedman is on a cooking show? Huh? It seems like the Japanese think he's hilarious. He's what Hasselhoff is to Germans, or Woody Allen and Jerry Lewis are to the French.




Marty Friedman? Madonna? What? Just check out Marty's awesome leopard print trench coat.




In this clip, Marty explains to a whole new culture why Sting is insanely annoying, and why chubby secretaries think this Police song is sweet...when in reality it's about a guy stalking a girl.

Where Are They Now: Wagner Lamounier

When I was younger and far more naive I was under the impression that heavy metal musician was not only a full time gig, but a life long profession. You lived to shred and shredded to live. What else would Jeff Hanneman do if he wasn't writing sweet riffs? What kind of skills could a heavy metal musician posses that would be useful in the global market economy? There was no life beyond the metal world, or so I thought.

Enter Wagner Lamounier: best known for fronting Brazilian death/thrash legends Sarcófago he is also a founding member of Sepultura. Like any sensible kid born in a third world country and brought up on steady diet of Venom, Mercyful Fate, and Motorhead Lamounier banded together with a bunch of like-minded bangers and started a band. It was either that or join a gang of roving street children likely to die at the hands of a death squad (note: I just made that up, but I have seen the film City of God). Of course Sarcófago isn't just any old band, they're one of the greatest metal bands to ever come out of South America. Their aesthetic and music continues to influence countless bangers across the world. They were one of the pioneers of corpse paint and among the first bands to pose for "evil" pictures in cemeteries thus influencing thousands of teenagers across the globe to dress like retards for the past two decades thinking they look grim.



What do you think 'ol Wagner is up to these days? Selling fruit at a corner stand? Dealing Cocaine? Nope! He's an Economics professor at Universidade Federal de Minas Gerais in Belo Horizonte, Brazil! What the fuck? I know, I know... I didn't believe it at first either, but the proof's right here. Lamounier went from dressing up like a clown and thrashing his balls off to a PhD in Economics. That is NOT the kind of transition you'd expect from someone who wrote the following lyrics:

Seven nights before
Of sacred birthday
The lord make himself
Present at virgin's home

Demons suck your pussy
And fuck 'till delight
She isn't more virgin
Because was fucked by satan

He put the virgin of four
Fucking your ass hole
The orgy haven't stop
Ejaculating on her mouth

She suck the hammer of satan
And reach the first orgasm
He breack laws of god
And prophane the mother of gods


Good for him though! I bet he makes way more money than me, drives a much nicer car, and has like twice as many vacation days! Uh, I mean, fuck that sellout!

Logo contest reminder. Come and be brutal with us.

Just a reminder to let everyone know that the contest is concluding at the end of metal business tomorrow, April 4th, 2008.

Here is the original post, stating the guidelines.

Metal Inquisition logo design contest: we need your help!

Ok, we don't really need your help, we just think it would be funny to pretend we do.

However, here's your chance to make Metal Inquisition history. We are looking for a logo and we think you might have what it takes. Then again, you might not. Either way it'll be fun to post your sad attempts at graphics design. In the words of Strong Bad The Wise: "We want to see your skills of an artist! "

Here are the rules...

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1. Media: All logos will have to be produced in the ONLY metal media: #2 pencil and/or ball-point pen. All logos will have to be on the ONLY metal surface: spiral notebook. Blue lines MUST be visible.

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2. Criteria: The logo has to be brutal, of course! Pentagrams, up-side-down crosses and knife-like letters are encouraged. You can use some chiaroscuro shading if you want, but NO Trogdor drawings, please!

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3. Delivery: All logos must be scanned and emailed to us as jpgs, 700 pixels in width. Also, let us know how you want to be credited. Otherwise, we'll credit you as jizbucket or fucktard. Email your horrible art to: inquisitionofmetal (at) gmail.com

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4. Judging: The MI staff will post all logos and make fun of them and the artists. After that, we'll just pick one. We're too metal to let you losers vote.

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5. Prizes: Your shitty logo might grace the MI masthead and you might get your own MI crappy t-shirt with your logo on it.

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6. Deadline: April 4th, 2008, so get on it.

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7. Legal disclaimer:
We reserve the right to think all the logos are shit and not award anything to anyone. We also reserve the right do whatever we want with the logos submitted. That includes (but does not limit us to) making fun of them, show them to our really mean friends, or printing them out and wiping our dog's barf with them. Matt Camacho of Forbidden is really effeminate. All the logos and art sent will become the property of MI and if you want them back you have to pay us $45.60 for handling charges.

Vengance Rising's Roger Martinez, The World's Most Annoying Human Being. Period.

This video serves as proof that, as the title of this post states, Roger Martinez of the band Vengance Rising is without a doubt the world's most annoying human being. His cadence, his overuse of the phrases "what have you", "boils down to", as well as the word "jams" are enough to drive anyone into a violent rage. Who the hell would ever say "that which shreds"?

The video also shows that he's a bit of a nut, something that would become very clear years later when Roger became a Satanist, and made death threats against the singer of the band Mortification. In 2001, after the September 11 attacks, he gave out free albums to people in the military in order to wage a "holy war against Christians". Glen Benton would be proud.

John Williams eat your heart out- here comes Spastic Ink

If there's a nerdier genre of music than prog metal, I sure can't think of it. It combines the obnoxious snobbery of jazz with the subhuman, lowbrow, stupidity of heavy metal- like the delicious tastes of nuts and gum, together at last.

For example, this concept piece from Spastic Ink. Lots of bands write concept albums- for examples Nocturnus' legendary "The Key"- but usually they are about cool stuff like building a time machine so he band can go back in time to kill Jesus. But not Spastic Ink- this song is the score to a video of, uh, a cartoon mouse. They also have a song that is 8 minutes of the movie Bambi, but each of the characters is voiced by the guitars. So, uh, yeah...

Nitro's Michael Angelo gives YOU the keys to the Lamborghini & Creed's guitarist shreds

Yes, you! Check out The Metal Method for all the secrets to shredding like Michael Angelo.



Another guy that can shred his balls off is Mark Tremonti, formerly of Christ-rock band Creed. You might not know this, but his favorite bands include Venom, Celtic Frost, Slayer, and Nitro. In fact, Mark even played on Michael Angelo's latest album. So don't judge a book by it's cover, it turns out he's a pretty cool guy. Here is a sweet video of him jamming some sweep picking.