Friday, May 2, 2008

Recruiting for Metal: A Human Resources Model for Hiring in the Metal Community


I didn't know what to make of this at first, but I soon knew I needed to bring it to MI. This was found over at something awful yesterday. Sadly, it sounds like something I may have written when I was younger. Read through it and then we can get to business.

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Hey looking for hardcore rock gods to start SUPER BLACK METAL BAND

I am learning to play guitar and also Im ok at singing. need drummer, guitarist, bassist and songwriter to join ONLY JOIN IF YOUR SERIOUS ABOUT METAL OK. I have a bunch of lyrics written so just need someone to come up with music for them. One would be are signature song because its about this high school in an post apoctlyptic world where all the teachers are really The Devil wearing different masks.

Also I was thinking we could be called "Black Horse Riders Of The North" or maybe "Sheep Gut Lickers", I haven't decided.

I am a sophomore at Carlsbad High and I think we can sometimes use the band room because the band teacher likes me, other then that I need someone with a place to practice cuz mom won't let me play metal, she's too afraid of it's POWER

plz contact Dwayne Geitz

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Noah Begley
334 Wilson St.
Carlsbad, CA 92008
4/27/08

Dear Mr. Geitz,

I am writing in regards to the advertised position in your black metal band. I would very much like a chance to be part of this venture, and I feel that I have the rock god skills necessary to efficiently build and maintain a high profile Satan-worshipping black metal band. My education and background are perfect for a "god of metal" position, as I will explain below.

After graduating from Harvard, with distinction, in the field of English (a degree that puts me in a unique position to provide constructive and informed criticism for lyrics involving oral sex with voluptuous demonic women who have broad ashy nipples that taste faintly of molten rock and acid, and about riding at night on an enormous black war machine piloted by Satan to rain destruction on young innocent Christians, and about going to a 24-hour diner created in the darkest pits of hell, clad in ebony robes worn to perform demonic incantations, and eating a plate of fried cheese and buffalo wings in the corner by the bathroom), I was hired by a large accounting firm in New York.

During my time at this accounting firm, I learned how to work effectively in a team environment, how to manage time wisely to meet concurrent goals, and how to hate authority to the maximum levels that I am personally able to attain. In the area of hating authority, I took the initiative in getting my boss's face tattooed on my left shoulder with a knife protruding out of his forehead. The skills I gained in being really mad at authority and also working effectively in a team environment would be perfect for use in a devil-focused black metal band.

I left a threatening note on my boss's porch once, which demonstrates a commitment to achieving my goals, and also I broke into his house and watched his TV all night while he slept and then snuck out just as he woke up but not before switching the order of the breakfast cereals on the kitchen shelf. This indicates a variety of skills so useful and applicable to the job in question that I will not actually name any of them here.

After departing from the position at the accounting agency soon after the previously described events, I embarked on a self-supervised course of heavy metal history in my home over the span of two years. Utilizing a guitar I bought off my cousin and a collection of used CDs I purchased economically from a going out of business music store, I rapidly taught myself the basic structure of heavy metal instrumentation, as well as the required attitude, mindset, and fashion accessories needed to both appreciate and perform metal at a consistent standard of quality.

My self-appointed goal was to reach a certain level of "kicking ass" each day, which I judged through the method of looking at myself in the mirror and gauging how awesome I looked. When not performing to adequate levels of "kick ass", I taught myself a variety of strategies to overcome the problem, such as the consumption of alcoholic performance aids, or calling my boss in the middle of the night and hanging up just after he answers.

I am looking forward to working with you, and I have my amp and guitar packed up in the trunk of my Ford Probe ready to go the moment I am contacted. I also have a leather jacket with the word "SATAN RULES" written on the back in duct tape, which could be utilized in a variety of situations. The L and the R are half-fallen off, but you can still definitely see what it is supposed to say.

Your brother in metal,
Noah Begley
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hey naoh,

thanks for writing me about the metal band thing but I'm looking for people who are a little more committed and serious about this, I think we may be able to take on the school talent show in a few months if we really work at it
may satan rock your world,


Dwayne

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I doubt this is real, but it got me thinking. What if metal bands applied HR practices when looking for new members? Also, how would some of my metal icons rate if reviewed using what I use for interviewing new hires?

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Chuck Schuldiner
Chuck interviewed well and had all the right answers to the questions asked. Some reviewing of past work experience shows that while he runs his own business, he has had problems with retaining employees. He seems like a natural born leader, but questions of being a team player remain. His examples of past projects show excellent knowledge of the market that teeter on the verge of true innovation. Chuck comes across as one who is always thinking ahead, but I question if this comes at a cost of alienating others due to what I perceive as a stubbornness to work collaboratively in the long term.

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John Tardy
This seemed to go on a bit longer than it should have. Considering personality, I really like John, but professionally I am not sure if he is a good fit. He seemed to have a hard time articulating ideas and appeared to be drunk as his words were slurred and drawn out. He has spent a long time with his current employee with brings up concerns of being able to fit into a new organization. I am not sure, based on his experience, that he meets the demands of the new market.

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Gene Hoglan
Gene was quiet during the interview as if he almost didn’t care he was interviewing. Gene has a long history of employment with different employers. He also possesses a bit of a journeyman mentality. He is very skilled at what he does, but the big question is about dedication. His resume suggests a fair amount of moving from job to job within short frames of time. We should consider for a consultant but not full-time.

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Kerry King
I am not sure what Kerry does. He has worked for a very large and well know establishment with in the community, but seems to play a secondary role to a much more talented coworker. He appears to be a bit all over the place and has a tendency to dwell into the nonsensical. He does possess a strong skill set but based on experience as well as personal appearance, he comes across as being a follower and not a leader. He is one who could strengthen the organization, but no necessarily redefine it.

17 comments:

  1. If appearance was noted during said interviews, Chuck's high heel women's boots would certainly call his decision making abilities into question. I feel strongly about his work ethic and ability to innovate.

    You are correct about Gene as an ideal consultant. He has really brought forth the very best in past endevors (Testament)but I simply don't see him as a 9-5 kinda guy at our institution.

    Regarding Kerry, I'd be really hesitant to make an offer. I found his demeanor to be somewhat offputting. What type of interviewee leaves his Oakley's on?

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  2. oakleys on! fantastic...

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  3. Horrible stuff here, guys. This is not funny or witty at all. You might want to think about quitting. I mean, you had a good run, but...damn. This blog has jumped the shark. Next?

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  4. lame post this one!

    but the varg post was HILARIOUS!
    one of the best ever!

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  5. I cannot believe this. But I know it's true, because I also used to write silly statements on metal zines looking for new members and, possibly, girls to screw up.
    That Dwayne guy...ah ah, funny stuff.
    And I think Noah is a serial killer nowadays....can't believe He didn't get the job!!!!!!

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  6. that just made my whole week

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  7. kerry king does indeed play a secondary role to WAY more talented coworker...a coworker who is responsible for genre(s)of extreme metal being influenced by said coworkers supreme songwriting and lyrical ability. also,said coworker doesnt look like a jackass pro-wrestling wannabe,and is influenced by early 80s l.a. punk,much better than the buttrock influences of kerry king.

    jeff hanneman is dope.

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  8. Slayer downfall began with that "...intervention" LP/CD, when King started writing more stuff than Jeff. I think King's ego grew up with baldness and cranial tattoos coming in...

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  9. Uhhh, Hanneman wrote damn near every song on "Diabolus in Musica", which is the only Slayer album that is complete and utter shit through and through. He also wrote all the worst songs on the latest album, including "Jihad", with its fucking retarded AC/DC "Thunderstruck" riffs. So... hate to break it to you, but... despite the fact that they've not been that hot since 1990, Kerry's probably been responsible for more of their decent output in the last 15+ years.

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  10. Sorry man, I haven't really listened to anything new from Slayer after that 1994 crap album. Only heard of records released after that, they didn't grab my attention anyway. The same goes to all the ex-great bands of the past: they live up their older records. But I'm just an old, thirty-something fart, so dont' listen to my rants.
    As for Hanneman, I think at his look is still THRASH, at least He didn't try to emulate Anselmo or Flynn as his co-worker still does...

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  11. noah's "application letter" is pure irony gold.

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  12. the thing i hate about kerry king is that while he looked like a total thrashhead in the early days,like total death metal satan guy,his musical taste that he thinks is "heavy" is stupid idiot bullshit like killswitch engage

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