Tuesday, May 27, 2008

In a summer, a young man's fancy turns to wigger slam

With more and more wigger slam bands cropping up every day, it can be hard to keep up. That's what I am here for: to make sure that no guttural slamming brutality slips through the cracks for our readers! Our data indicates that most Metal Inquisition readers are primarily into dinosaur metal, so I know that most of you hate this stuff, but you should challenge yourself to man up and join the guttural slamming brutality crew!

If you don't feel you are ready for being a slam metal fan, you should stop reading immediately. Instead, pick up the Relapse catalog, put on some Mastodon or Braindrill, and enjoy the safety of fossil metal.

Cephalotripsy
http://www.myspace.com/cephalotripsy
Let's begin with what I feel is probably the best slam metal band in the history of guttural slamming brutality. I know that's a pretty bold statement, but after you give them a listen I think you will agree. Cephalotripsy is the best of Internal Bleeding combined with the crushing pit riffment necrotic embludgeonmenting of Devourment. Put this record on and you will be slamming around your room before you know it.

Gorevent
http://www.myspace.com/gorevent
I am not sure how to say the name of this band, but they are a great Japanese wigger slam band featuring ex-Rest In Gore members with some hot chick playing bass. They basically sound exactly like Rest In Gore, which is a really good thing. Just from this photo you can tell they will be sweet because it's a bunch of normal looking Japanese dudes wearing illegible death metal shirts, camo shorts and baseball hats. But getting back to the chick, look how good her hair is. I'm jealous of Asians because they have such naturally shiny, dark, straight hair, and it's so easy for them to have cool, piecey ends.


NJDOTS
http://www.myspace.com/njdots
NJDOTS is basically what New Yorkment would be if they weren't a joke band. If you don't know about some dirty Jer-Z shit now, you will after jamming their demo. NJDOTS stands for "New Jersey Department of Transportation Suicide," after the way that people kill themselves by throwing themselves in front of NJ Transit trains. They don't have any hardcore influences, but I would like to think that Rick Ta Life and ANT$ would be down with them anyway. It's all Jer-Z.

Abort Mastication
http://www.myspace.com/abortmastication
Here is another Japanese band that describes themself as "Brutaldeathmetal Goregrind Moshgore Grindcore Chaotic." To me it sounds like brutal death metal with a generous helping of slams, but you can be the judge. Mostly I just love their Engrish.

Liturgy
http://www.myspace.com/liturgychicago
Now technically this might not be wigger slam, and it's definitely not new, but I just came across this band and wanted to share. I was a big Cinerary fan, and this band has 2 or 3 guys from Cinerary, so you pretty much know what to expect: brutal as fuck death metal in the California style with Disgorge's Matti Way on vocals. How could you go wrong?!


Rest In Gore
http://www.myspace.com/restingoreofficial
Along with Disconformity and Glossectomy, Rest In Gore are leading the pack in terms of Japanese wigger slam. I know it's incredibly trite for internet metal nerds to worship obscure Japanese sub-subgenres, but the truth is that the Japs just know how to fucking slam like nobody else. Anyway this band sounds like all the other JPDM bands that I like but there is something special about them. Much like the Toyota production system has perfected the delivery of an automobile at the greatest possible efficiency, Rest In Gore deliver the maximum possible slams per second with ruthless Japanese efficiency.


Condemned
http://www.myspace.com/condemnedmetal
This album came out last year and in my opinion was extremely underrated. It is 3/4 of Cephalotripsy, and basically sounds the same except that they play mostly blasts instead of slamz. So it really wouldn't fit into a purist's orthodox definition of slam metal, but I am willing to bend the rules for you, our readers. I thought this album was one of the finest death metal albums I've ever heard, it's just wall-to-wall brutality with absolutely no melody or compromises. Dinosaur metal fans will probably be put off because there aren't any parts where they play Iron Maiden harmonies and none of the songs are about being a fucking Viking or whatever bullshit you people are into, but if you want guttural slamming brutality, you came to the right band. For fans of Disgorge, Deeds of Flesh, and other brutal California death metal, but unlike a lot of those other bands it never gets boring because they don't play too many tremolo riffs.

23 comments:

  1. as a lover of dinosaur metal i must admit that some these bands are pretty brutal. i also love hot girls in bands.

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  2. I gotta hand it to you sarge, I still hate this sort of metal but your posts about it are my favorite part of this blog. I wish there was a way to incorporate pit riffment into my daily vocabulary more often.

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  3. SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM

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  4. Dinosaur metal, indeed. All this stuff sounds like 1993 to me. And it's really curious how all these bands have hired the same vokillist. That guy must have some ludicrous frequent flyer miles piled up. He should stick with Abort Mastication, they're easily the most interesting one of the bunch.

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  5. why do asians excel at so many things that anglos invent? it's weird. anglo men still are the best at one thing though...being obsessed with asian women.

    does Origin kinda count as slam? they mostly blast, and not slam. let me know your thoughts.

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  6. Origin I would say no, way too much emphasis on songs that mysteriously don't have any riffs. I might not be a fan of wigger slam but its pretty straightforward stuff in the guitar department.

    What I'm curious about is how these bands worship Suffocation but yet there is a never a mention of the true kings of New York death metal, fuckin' Immolation! When those cats break it down into a slow lurching groove they make a flat out mockery of these slam bands. Listen to that last section on the song Rival the Eminent. Death metal doesn't get any heavier then that. Waking the Cadaver sounds about as heavy as Seal in comparison.

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  7. "C is for Cookie, its good enough for me!!! Cornfield Slam - that starts with C! Nuyum-yum-yum-yum..."
    I'd define it better as Cookie Monster metal or mouth-full-of-cock metal. Gets old REAL quick.

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  8. What exactly is going on with Japan? They're pumping out a hell of a lot of hellforsakenly noisy bands lately. The only Japanese band I've heard of until recently was some hair metal band named Rowdness, now they've gone & gotten all sick on us!

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  9. as lucho metales said, the japanese are excellent at taking things that anglos invent, hyper-stylizing them, and selling them back to us (cartoons, video games, slam metal). while many lame american dudes fetishize asian chicks, they return the favor by being into black dudes.

    as far as the JPDM scene, i'm not really an expert, but it seems like in the last year or two they have been churning out sick slam bands like nobody's business.

    for years white nerds have been yapping about japanese hardcore, which i couldn't be less interested in. i'm just glad that japan is focusing its energy on pit riffment instead of screaming and mohawks.

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  10. Not too big a fan of this stuff. Cryptopsy did it way better, and so did Suffocation; "Open Face Surgery" slaughters all of these bands shitty "pitt riffment" and "gorectomies".

    Asians do have good hair though, that was a good call.

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  11. I enjoy Gorevent, they got some bouncetastic broodle wiggore going on.

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  12. These are all my favourite bands!

    But yeah, the more retarded it gets, the better it tastes!

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  13. www.myspace.com/genocausttucson


    Brutal as fuck az deathgrind

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  14. metropolitan mosh
    urban groove metal
    slum metal
    death ghetto
    screamo-ghetto

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  15. Anxiety HangoverMay 28, 2008 at 5:16 PM

    Liturgy is the closest thing to not sucking on this list, and that's only because Mike Bailey from Brodequin can write some halfway decent riffs. A different vocalist and they wouldn't be all that bad.

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  16. liturgy are sweet but like i said not really slam.

    look, not everybody has the balls to listen to slam. that's why Southern Lord exists.

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  17. @ "that's why Southern Lord exists."

    That cracked me up. A once great doom label reduced to a bastion of hipster black metal and super limited edition experimental ambient releases that come on a dozen 7" records. Except Lair of the Minotaur because they are the cat's ass.

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  18. Hey, hipster black metal is the shit.

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  19. Hypothetical question: what sub-genre would a slam band composed of black males mimicking the sound and look of wigger slam bands fall under? Or would it still just be "wigger slam"?

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  20. i never know if sarge is half or 100% ironic about liking slam. or not at all. but that's the beauty of it.

    i don't find this stuff as irritating as some other readers do. but i don't find it that brutal either. those monotonous "vokills" get real old real fast (especially if they're of the brie™ variety), and the whole deal's just too subdued and samey to really be brutal. it's more like a dull rumble in your gut than a violent diarrhea that it's supposed to be. plus, those vocals ain't that hard to produce either. especially if you have a gut like me.

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  21. dude i am not even .00001% ironic about liking slam!! it's seriously my favorite genre of metal, bar none. i don't like thrash, i don't like black metal, i like very little old school death metal, i basically just like slam metal. old shit like pyrexia and suffocation got me started by these days i'm jaded and i need the absolutely uncompromising brutality of the bands i mentioned in the post to get going.

    look at my last.fm charts if you don't believe me:
    http://www.last.fm/user/gooseass/

    you'll see a lot of pop punk and top 40, but as far as metal goes it's all slamz all the time.

    but of course slam metal is also funny because it's so retarded, so i do like to make fun of it at times. but that doesn't mean i am even a tiny bit ironic! i fucking love Rest In Gore and Cephalotripsy.

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  22. most metal you really have to be able to laugh at in order to also fully enjoy it. I'll admit Cephalotripsy is pretty enjoyable, dunno if I'd buy it but not a bad album.

    I'll be seeing Devourment this august when they open for Brutal fucking Truth in NYC, should be a great show!

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  23. ...robbie williams?

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