Heavy Metal Jock Jamz: What's your playlist?

With Mr. Olympia right around the corner, it's time to get serious about blasting your quads and getting shredded! There's no time like the present to get cannonball delts, crisp serratus, and lats that flare like the hood of an angry cobra! Since I am guessing most of you are either shut-ins with the physique of an AIDS patient or flabby Relapse beardos who haven't seen the outside of their mother's basement in a decade, I figured I'd share my Heavy Metal Jock Jamz and do my part to keep our readers get diesel!

Thanks to my Apple internetPod, my playlist is constantly changing. I can just put in a new tape when I get bored with the last one, so it's never the same twice. Still, I find that my Jock Jamz consistently fall into a few categories:

Infernal Revulsion are one of the many reasons why Japan is the leading producer of anime tentacle porn, Pokemon, and wigger slam.

Slamz & X Breakdowns X
This is a no-brainer: what would a gym playlist be without the fucking slamz?! I have written about this topic extensively so I won't duplicate all that here. Instead, here is a little checklist that you can use to evaluate any given slam band. Give them one slam for every time you answer "yes," and if they score 4 or higher, they are gym-worthy:

• Camo shorts (extra point if they're arctic camo)
• Puffy vests and/or parkas
• Band is from Russia or Texas (extra point if they are more than 75% Mexicans)
• Band name ends in "-ment" or "-tion"/"-sion"
  
• Video features wiggerish arm movements, crab-walking
• Bassist has his instrument below knee-level

Try it out and you'll see how quickly it will help you sort your slamz. For example, the clearly gym-worthy Katalepsy score a whopping 5/6 slamz, while Wormed scores 0. The checklist helped us realize that it is critical to choose occasion-appropriate slamz: Wormed are a great band, but not good gym material because they are too smart. Nobody wants thinking man's slam in their ear while you're trying to focus on your deadlift form.

Jer-Z will not be disgraced!! And look at those fucking puffy vests! Damn son! Get your ass over to the Willowbrook Mall and cop one for yourself!

The AC bro from Emmure and Jonathan from Forever The Sickest Kids both enjoy wearing colorful New Eras. I'd like to think that says that we can all be friends, whether we are scene, preppy, or 'core. We all love Hollister and New Era, and at the end of the day that is more important than our superficial differences, right?

Another genre for you to check out is what I like to call "scene wigger moshcore," which is basically shit like Emmure, The Acacia Strain, and Liferuiner. I coined this term because they have chinstraps and New Era hats like your standard-issue mosh wigger, but this bands rock them in bold colorways that would look right at home on Breathe Carolina or Dot Dot Curve. Anyway, all these bands basically sound the same: the ultimate expression of the 90s moshcore formula in a Zao-meets-Adamantium way. So basically, the fucking definition of gym-core.

Emmure's new album is brutal as fuck and full of sick XbreakdownsX and drama-inciting lines like "ask your girl what my dick tastes like."

When to play it: Pretty much anytime you want to feel fuckin' hard, for example when you are annihilating your abs with insane volume! Just put on some Cold As Life while you bang out a zillion reps, then mean mug the gym mirror, and be like, "750 crunches, what now bitch?! This gym ain't got shit on my steez!"

They look like Michael Moore, but these bros know how to write a fucking mosh riff that takes your mind off the pain of being alive for at least a few seconds.

Regretcore
Now let's talk about a very gym-worthy subgenre of hardcore that I like to call "regretcore." In a nutshell, it's the soundtrack to the moment when you look in the mirror, realize you're in your 30s, and that your life is a fucking mess because you're a fuckup who makes retarded decisions that you may not be able to fix. If you have had this moment you know exactly what I'm fucking talking about! Basically, it's "I'm honestly afraid I may have ruined my life forever" put to music, and it's so brutally honest that it can be a little hard to handle, like seeing your dad cry. Let me explain more...

Most of you already think I'm a gay poser, so whatever. When I wasn't listening to Pyrexia, 7 Minutes of Nausea and Dystopia in high school, I was jamming bands like All, Descendents, and later Blink-182, Saves The Day, etc. All their songs essentially amounted to "Wah wah, I like this girl but she doesn't like me back." That sucks but at the same time is kind of fun- you sit around with your friends and complain about chicks, go skate behind 7-11, and hit up Taco Bell. You forget all about it by the time side one of "Thrash Zone" is over.

I love regretcore so much that I got a Death Threat tattoo (the one on the left that says "Now Here Fast"). I am so gay that I got a matching Chris Isaak tattoo (the one on the right that says "Forever Blue").

Fast forward to 2009, we're all in our 30s, and shit is way too real. I ran into a friend of mine who I hadn't seen in a bit. His wife just left him and I wanted to see how he was doing. The dude is a LEGIT hard motherfucker who has fucked up a lot of people, but he's human like the rest of us and nobody shrugs off a divorce. I asked him how he was doing, and he just said, "Well, I had the gun in my mouth last night but I couldn't do it." I was also getting a "divorce" after 8 years with my ex and I was pretty much in the same place, so all I could do was nod in agreement and say "I'm with you, dude." In 10 short years, we went from "The girl who works at the mall doesn't like me, boo hoo" to "My wife left me and I literally want to die."

Regretcore is what happens when you get a hardcore band made up of dudes in their 30s who are fuckups like my friend and I. Instead of singing about how the cute girl who works at Dairy Queen has big boobies, they write songs about trying to pick up the pieces of your life after a divorce, rehab, or prison. They don't have songs about how hard their crew is, their songs are self-directed pep talks that go something like, "Dude, I won't lie, you fucked up pretty bad. But don't kill yourself. If you're lucky you can maybe get a job at a gas station or something and piece together a few scraps of self-respect."

HAD TO BITE AND SCRATCH TO STAY ON MY FEET - WITH A HEART MADE OF STEEL, I SMASH THROUGH EVERYTHING!!

While bands like Sheer Terror, Crowbar, and Life of Agony paved the way, Terror are pretty the Led Zepplin of this subgenre: they're not regretcore, but it couldn't exist without Scott Vogel being a charismatic fuckup who writes uncomfortably straightforward songs about it. Lines like "Time and time again, I've fucked things up. All my hopes and dreams have been gone so long" are a trademark of the genre: Chris Barnes-like statements of fact that were probably written in a moment of tearful self-hatred after a week long coke binge and maybe beating someone half to death for reasons you can't remember.

Furious Styles is the hardest thing out of Seattle since Everything Went Black, check it out and maybe they'll give you a glimmer of hope that you can salvage your pathetic life. It didn't work for me, but who knows, maybe you're not as far gone as I am.

Death Threat is another cornerstone of regretcore, with brutally simple lines like "When you've got nothing you don't give a fuck" and "I know no other way to take the pain. Insted of trying to make things better I get fucked up everyday." You really don't know what to say because that really says it all in the most straightforward way you possibly could. Perhaps the ultimate regretcore line, though, is from post-Bulldoze band Terrorzone: "I regret what I did, though I had to do a bid." Translation: "I went to prison because I lost my cool and fucked some dude up, that sucked."

When to play it
Regretcore has no equal when it comes to gym motivation! When you have to dig deep and squeeze out those extra few reps, there's nothing like a little voice (I like to imagine it's Scott Vogel) whispering in your ear, "If you don't stay in shape no woman will ever be attracted to you and you'll die alone. Now give me one more set of squats, you fucking loser!"

Burn Halo is the new Douchebro Anthemcore band from 18V singer Jame Shart

Douchebro Anthemcore
Whew, that was heavy! Sometimes you get burned out on the regretcore and you need to lighten things up a little, using positive imagery to motivate yourself and get your hustle on. For that, there is nothing than a good Douchebro Anthem- what we used to call "hard rock." Sometimes you just want to forget your troubles, forget that you're a worthless trainwreck who wasted your potential, and just think about making (really fun) poor life choices, usually some variation on getting fucked up with some hotties at a party or club.

There are a lot of options when it comes to Douchebro Anthemcore, because there are a lot of douchebro that start bands, and apparently it sells because labels keep putting it out. It really depends on what kind of douchebro you're looking to be.

Some guys are more of the sensitive douchebro, so maybe they'll put on some Cold, Staind, or Hinder and think about how much tail they would get if they played an acoustic set at some "hole in the wall club" so it would be "really intimate." Then they would get really intimate with some recently divorced office hott who got shitfaced and left at the club alone by her equally shitfaced friend who promptly abandoned her when she met some dude.

The best part of this video is the retards who got Avenged Sevenfold tattoos- specifically, imagining the burning embarrassment they feel every time they see that this video has nearly 2 millions plays.

Me, I'm more of the aggro/party douchebro, so you'll find more stuff like Papa Roach and Avenged Sevenfold on my Heavy Metal Jock Jamz. I'll be flexing in the mirror, practicing my flirty pout that will melt the office hotts' panties off and playing air guitar to "Unholy Confessions" or "Last Resort."

When to play it: When the only way to cope with the crushing despair that comes with realizing you're a piece of shit is to act like an even bigger piece of shit.

***

What's on YOUR Heavy Metal Jock Jamz playlist? What makes YOU want to blast your quads??

What will they think of next: Purulent Jacuzzi

"Get me Putin!"

Until very recently, there was a place in Seattle called "Tubs" in which you could rent a jacuzzi by the hour. Yes, I know what you are thinking- everybody in the area also recoiled in horror at the idea of submerging their genitals in a rancid bath that is more or less a stew made from the lower bodies of whatever strangers happened to be rent the jacuzzi before you did.

I am pretty sure the drummer is the guy who invented Tetris. Either that or a pedophile. Maybe both.

I could go into more detail, but thanks to the wonders of Web 2.0, I can simply crowdsource it from Yelp!! Yay internets! (I feel like there is someone at IDEO or Frog right now coughing awkwardly to remind me that they coined the term "crowdsourcing" in 2002). Here are a few highlights from consumer reviews:

Brooke B.
It has been fun making jokes about contracting the clap from your titular "tubs" for the last 10 years. It was always my plan to bring a special someone and a bucket of Ezell's fried chicken to a private room and really get down. Thanks for the memories, Tubs. You will be missed.

JC D.
Ari:OMG, I'm so embarrassed!
Tanya:Rumor has it that people were having sex in the totally secluded hot tubs, so they got shutdown.
JC: Yeah, people would fling gonorrhea and Chlamydia at the walls.
Ari: ehhhh...okay.
Tanya: I'm HUNGRY!
The place is obviously still closed, and surprisingly fenced up by the health department and the humane society.

Mr. Robot O.
I visited here in an "official" capacity as an inspector, not a customer, so I only got to look at, and not enjoy, the "sparkling acrylic spas with hydro-therapy jets" constructed with "state-of-the-art spa engineering."
The thought of paying someone so I could lounge around in these giant petri dishes wasn't that enticing.

With bands like the Meat Shits and Gut pushing the boundaries of poor taste over the past decade or two, it's harder than ever to shock audiences. You really have to dig deep to find something inspiring that's novel, unique yet completely foul and disgusting. For Russian goregrind band Purulent Jacuzzi, Tubs is just that source of inspiration.


That's what I tell myself, at least. I certainly can't think or any other reason why a band would call themselves fucking Purulent Jacuzzi! At first I thought it was some sort of misunderstanding; I figured they just didn't really understand what the fuck they were saying. I assumed it was like Lisa Simpson said when she saw a poster for the movie Yahoo Serious: "Those words are both English, but they don't make any sense together!"



But no! From the image above, it seems that they understand exactly what those words mean and are using them quite literally! Best of all, they are pretty fucking good, especially the song in the video above. I'm not all that crazy about bree-bree vocals, but the singer for PJ pulls them off about as well as anybody, and they definitely have their share crushing slamz.

If there is anything to take away from all this, it is that no man has a crystal ball. Wait, that's not true, Mike Browning has the Nocturnus crystal ball. But aside from him, we are all powerless to predict what strange, new, exciting forms of music are coming around the bend. All we can do is sit back and enjoy the show... and mosh our balls off to Purulent Jacuzzi.

Waking the Cadaver's singer now sells Amway. Seriously.

Step to Donald Campan and you will be easily assaulted

In case you aren't familiar with them, Waking the Cadaver is a wigger slam band from the Jersey shore. You can think of them as the Family Dollar of wigger slam: dirty, unpleasant and only patronized by smelly vagrants that barely qualify as human. After we wrote an unflattering post about them the singer got butthurt and threatened to beat me up. But he's not just an ignorant homophobe, he's also an Amway salesman!

Yes, you read that correctly... when he's not threatening me, Donald Campan is busy being an IBO (Independent Business Owner) for Amway! My friends, I'm not making this shit up, it's brutally real. Actually, I sort of wish I was making it up because that would give me a little more faith in humanity, but this is all too true. Gene Hoglan's Balls sent me a link to his MySpace in which he proudly announces that he is now "ENDORSED." I think that is another word for "bought into a retarded pyramid scam in which I hawk off-brand crap on MySpace."

There's almost too much material to work with, so in this post I will just point out all my favorite details.

His stangry headshot
I am a huge fan of Loveline, the sex/relationship advice show starring Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew. One of my favorite bits is Adam's word, "stangry," a combination of stupid and angry. He usually uses it to describe teenagers from Riverside, but I can't think of a better way to characterize the dim yet vaguely antagonizing look in Donald's eyes above. He's like that jerky stoner that would stand around the metal shop in high school wearing a Ride The Lightning shirt and say things like "What are you lookin' at, fag? Stare hard, retard!!"

His childlike excitement
I love how he seems genuinely stoked about this! He really thinks this is going to be his big break. With copy like "I am sure you could find something you like because there are so many products to choose from to suite all genders and tastes," it's hard to imagine he won't be rolling in cash pronto. I've highlighted the parts that made me LOL particularly hard:

What's goin' on friends!! YES! - I am now an IBO (Independent Business Owner) via Amway Global. I sell exclusive products from make-up to skin products, food/water (all organically grown)/vitamins to jewelry/apparel and much-much more! Please click around the my online catalog (*see above links below the photo) to view many products that you can't find anywhere else in the world! I also really hope you can pass this website on to many others to help me spread the word of this fantastic service I am offering. I personally have a lot of products that are from the online store that really are amazing and that I use myself on tour and at home. I am sure you could find something you like because there are so many products to choose from to suite all genders and tastes. I can assure you that this is NOT A SCAM or anything like that. By being a part of this global corporation, I am putting my good name on the line as well as the Amway Corporation. Please copy and paste the link(s) to view MY STORE! Thank you for your time and happy shopping!

Not Spam, myspace just wants you to pay for links as an advertising fee...no thanx! I think you can put together the address...***
Girls: dcampan . qbeautyzone . c o m Guys: dcampan . qhealthzone . c o m Both: dcampan . qhealthbeauty . c o m

He won't pay for MySpace to make links for his domains so he has to mangle the janky URLs (he's also too dumb/cheap to buy domain names I guess) and asks you to copy and paste them.

The merchandise

I have no idea what possessed him to offer this bizarre and disorienting assortment of crap. It reminds me of my favorite little Mexican store called "Miscellaneous Rodriguez." Lucho and Skullkrusher's mom stopped by there once and tried to tell them the name made no sense, but they weren't having it: their name was Rodriguez, you see, and they sold miscellaneous goods, so it made perfect sense to them. She probably scolded them a little bit and walked out, shaking her head and muttering under her breath about martians.

Donald seems to have been working under a similar plan when developing his merchandise mix. I am not sure why he would think that anybody wants to buy pots and pans, facial cleanser, and Lemon Twist meal bars from the singer of Waking The Cadaver, but apparently he managed to convince himself.

Cran-Grape Blast is the most grinding, brutal flavor

What woman wouldn't jump at the chance to buy off-brand cosmetics from the man who wrote "Chased Through The Woods By A Rapist"?

A $1400 Amway cookware set? Sign me up!

Our ideas
We figured it was time to squash the MI/WTC beef, so we wanted to show Donald that we are bros by brainstorming a few ideas for how he could improve his Amway store. We hunkered down in the conference room of our Midatlantic Innovation Center and sketched out a few concepts. Donald, please feel free to take these and run with them! They are available under the Creative Commons license so they're all yours!


1. Waking The Cadaver signature gaydar
From his MySpace message to me, we know that Donald "doesn't respond to gays," and wouldn't want you to either. I was discussing this with one of our consultants from I Could Die Tomorrow and he asked an important question:
[16:58] XxxXxxxxxxxx: Does he have a special detector so he knows not to serve gay customers?
With that in mind, who better to offer a signature gaydar than Donald?? It can go right next to our other new product concept:


2. 1:14 scale Nocturnus time machines
WTC fans are not the most intelligent people, so we're betting that they've got a lot of regrets (or at least they should). What better way to remind them that they've painted themselves into a corner with one poor life choice after the next than with a scale model of the Nocturnus time machine (does not actually travel through time)? You wish you could go back in time to fix the foolish mistakes you made, but it's too late... you're going to work at a gas station and listen to Waking The Cadaver forever.


3. Better advertising
We don't claim to be experts in marketing or graphics design like Donald is (he lists "marketing" and "$" as two of his interests and says he is an avid reader of Print magazine, which is popular with medicore graphics designers). Nonetheless, we figured that he might appreciate it if we took a stab at a new campaign for him. Aside from re-writing the copy, we also added a "no fat chicks" button to his lapel so that ugly groupies will stop sweating him- he doesn't want your cottage cheese ass, you fat bitch!! Also, we retouched his headshot a little to fix up his weak jawline and double chin.

Best of luck with your Amway store, Donald! If you ever want to do a METAL INQUISITION X WTC collabo, holler at your boys!

Retroview: New York Death Metal

Before there was slam metal as we know it today, there was NYDM. When I discovered NYDM, I was listening to Morbid Angel, Obituary, Napalm Death, and all the other classics. I loved those bands, but it wasn't quite scratching the itch. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew I wanted to hear something more... When I first heard the slamming slamz of the NYDM sound, it was like someone reached into my brain and pulled out the sounds I had in my head and put them onto, er, cassette. It was as though I had found my musical soulmate! On that note, this is far from a comprehensive study of NYDM, but here is an overview of the bands that I liked the most.



Pyrexia
I will start with my favorite NYDM band. They don't get nearly as much press as Suffocation or Internal Bleeding, despite sharing some members, but in my opinion they are better than either. That's right, better than Suffo!! They aren't as accessible as Suffo because they don't really use melody as much, they just fuckin' slam, slam, and slam some more. "Sermon of Mockery" is their best release, although I like all of their records. After "Sermon" they changed their style up, and followed it up with the "Hatredangeranddisgust" EP and "System of the Animal" LP. Unlike "Sermon," which is just pure death metal, those two records pretty much sound like hardcore, or more specifically like Hatebreed playing death metal covers. They're good for sure, but nothing like "Sermon." I recommend that you download all of them, but definitely don't sleep on "Sermon."



Baphomet
Buffalo's Baphomet get no love! OK, they're definitely not the best band of all time, but they don't have to be, they just have to slam- and slam they do. Baphomet is one of those bands that are sort of like Kraft singles: you know they're a shitty, half-assed imitation of the real thing, but you can't help but binge on them every now and then anyway. With that said, I would say this record is for genre enthusiasts only... but still awesome! It's meat-and-potatoes NYDM with no frills or fancy shit, but for some of us, that's just what the doctor ordered.



Internal Bleeding
If you were into this shit in the 90s, you remember how controversial Internal Bleeding were. Lots of people hated on them for their Long Island guido steez, but "Voracious Contempt" struck a chord with all kinds of douchebags and meatheads such as myself. Years later, I was at a Suffocation show in Poughkeepsie, and the fat guy who was singing for them at the time was sweating my girlfriend at the time super hard because she was a skinny indie girl with good hair. In her words, "he wanted it bad." Malamor also played that show, who almost warrant a paragraph in this post... but not quite. They will be featured in the upcoming post entitled "Bands who are named after marshmallows." Anyway, Internal Bleeding didn't invent the "slamz for slamz' sake" style, but they definitely popularized it. For those about the slam, we salute you!



Suffocation
I'm not going to write about Suffocation because I hope everybody reading this is more than familiar with them. All I'm going to say is this: do you remember the Spazz song "The Egg On The Hirax Cover"? They should have written one called "The Killer Robot On The Effigy Of The Forgotten Cover." If you'd like to read more about our thoughts on Suffocation, please read this article which goes into extensive detail on Frank Mullen's Trump Plaza shirt from the "Effigy" photo shoot.



Dehumanized
These guys were B-level for sure, and not that great. Their record was pretty much just OK, except for the song "Prophecies Foretold" which was fucking siiiiiiiiiiiiiiick! I was equal parts bummed and surprised that I couldn't find the studio version of the song on Youtube, but you can at least catch a live version above. Watching them bounce to the slam parts is worth a LOL or two when you're not busy moshing your balls off.


Disfigured
I am extremely disappointed that I couldn't find any of their songs on Youtube! It's 2009, shouldn't every song by every obscure Long Island slam metal band be available within like four mouse clicks?! Where's Al Gore, I would like to lodge a complaint. In any case, Disfigured were like thinking man's NYDM. Their song structures were more interesting and nuanced than other B-level bands like, say, Dehumanized, and they could definitely play their instruments a lot better. The drummer, whose name I forget, was particularly good. I know it was something French-sounding, we'll just call him George St. Pierre for now. Anyway, these guys were/are highly underrated, and if there is any justice in the world they will attain legendary kvlt status like Ripping Corpse and Havohej. If you want to impress the Guttural Slamming Brutality Crew with how down you are with NYDM, do yourself a favor and download their EP, "Prelude to Dimentia."



Repudilation / Entorturement / 420
I am lumping all three of these bands together because they shared many of the same members, and were similar in sound and spirit. I could go on forever about them, but for now I'll just say that all you need to know is that these guys were the first geniuses to combine rap and slam metal! Also, the drummer for Repudilation used an ice bell for a ride, which is kind of hilarious and awesome at the same time. And let's talk about how amazingly awful these kids were at naming bands. I mean, it just went from bad to worse! Repudilation is at least a real word, but Entorturement is one of the worst names ever. It was a big source of inspiration for Lucho and I when we named our band Disengorgmentification. But then they managed to one-up themselves by calling their next band fucking 420! It's like the best part of ICP, Internal Bleeding, and Cypress Hill all wrapped up into one. Needless to say I love all three of these bands a lot! If anyone has the full version of the 420 album in the video above, please link it in the comments!!



Morpheus Descends
I'll conclude with one of the godfathers of NYDM. They're really more of the Demolition Hammer style of half-thrash, half-death metal in that they never blast and never really slam, but if you listen closely like the RCA dog, you can def hear the roots of slam in there. Because they were on JL America, the only label shittier than Wild Rags, it was kind of hard to get into Morpheus Descends back in the day. If you were really down with NYDM, though, you tracked that shit down because you saw the dudes in Suffocation rocking Morpheus Descends shirts all the time. And you knew that if it was good enough for Terrence Hobbes, it was fucking good enough for you!! Anyway, if you're into Incantation or that style of sludgy, proto-NYDM, make sure you track this shit down. CORPSE UNDER GLASS!

Wigger slam update, winter edition

There's a new dance craze that's sweeping the nation. It's called wigger slam and it's causing devastation!

It's been a while since we made a wigger slam post, which is a tragedy that makes Darfur look quaint by comparison. I would trade the lives of every single Romanian orphan for a single chance to play the Repudilation discography on my iPod while I'm in line at Starbucks. Seriously, fuck those kids, they're as good as dead anyway. In any case, there have been some exciting developments in the wigger slam scene that need to be mentioned.

Composted's SLAMBULANCE shirt
While it is disappointing to see that brutal death band Composted don't appreciate wigger slam like we do, we are still excited to see them raise awareness for the genre with the shirts you see below. The band is only mediocre (even to someone like me who has extremely low standards for slam metal- I mean I listen to fucking Artery Eruption!), but you might think about paying their MySpace a visit anyway. I'm sure it would make their day, since they probably spend all day bagging groceries or something to scrape together a pittance that pays the rent on the room they share with 8 other disgusting creeps at the local dirtbag metal flophouse. I'm sure glad I was never stupid enough to be in a band.


Entorturement vocalist drops some science
We have some insights on the origins of wigger slam from none other than the originators of the genre, Entorturement (and also the band who can legitimate claim to the worst name ever). He chimes in on the comments to an older post of ours, "The Facts About Wigger Slam":

LOL! This is Tim (former vocalist for entorturement). This is funny shit. Ok, yes Repudilation was the first to actually infuse a bit of Jazz into Death Metal. brian, their drummer, joined us and we wanted to do something different. So we went all out combining internal bleeding and suffocation with jazz,NYHC and Hip Hop. Growing up where we were you listened to Hip Hop. That was just how it was, mainly just NYC groups like Wu-Tang,Nas, Jay Z. It was like you are death metal (or deadhead,or jock) and you listened to hip hop. I am sorry for people taking it wayyyyyy out of hand. All the "thuggery" was taking the NYHC attitude at the time and multiplying 10 fold. In general, making fun of them.

Note that New Yorkment left them a nice comment on their Last.fm page:

OH FUKKKKKKKKK YEAH SON THESE BE THA SIKKKKKKKKEST SLAMZ EVAH!!! TOTAL BEATDOWN BRUTHAZ STYLE FO LYFE!!!

Amazon opens a wigger slam store
MI reader Matt Smith from Relapse tipped us off to Amazon's new wigger slam store. I'll be honest, the selection is a bit lacking (currently just a few Dying Fetus and Devourment shirts), but I'm happy to see that a big company like Amazon sees the potential for developing this market. I am sure that once they start producing Katalepsy and Abominable Putridity arctic camo parkas they'll have trouble keeping them in stock. MAKE IT RAIN!! I'm hoping they can hook up with Paul Wall and make some Soils of Fate grills. That shit would be HOT, and I'm sure all the European wiggers would eat it up. As anyone who ever sold anything metal-related in the 90s know, Europeans will buy anything!! I mean, without them, Joey DeMaio would have been out on the streets decades ago, picking cigarette butts out of the trash and selling Diet Mountain Dew cans for food.

See the store here!


Frogkill: World's first self-identified wigger slam band??
Perhaps I'm tooting our own horn here, but it seems that our influence has spread as far as Germany. We have been singing the praises of wigger slam for a while now, but it has so far been a externally-applied label. And to be honest, bands are generally not that stoked when we call them wigger slam (like these comments from that butthurt pussy in the Virginia-based wigger slam band Short Bus Pileup). A new one-man band named Frogkill is the first band we are aware of to call itself wigger slam, which is an amazing thing to behold! Congratulations, my friend! You are blazing new trails!We especially liked this statement on their MySpace:

And God said, "Let there be guttural slamming sickness!",
And there was guttural slamming sickness.
And God saw that it was good.

Now here comes the sad part. This poor kid is probably 19 or 20, and instead of sowing his wild oats banging hot German scene girls, he's spending his free time trying to impress internet metal nerds by making a one-man wigger slam band! Kid, you are going to look back on this part of your life and cry your eyes out at the way you pissed away the best years of your life. But congratulations on amusing a bunch of jaded metal dorks in their 30s at the expense of your youth!


Last.fm tags up 182%
Finally, thanks to everyone who has been dilligently using the wigger slam tag on Last.fm! If you haven't already, please tag all the relevant tracks you can. Fight the good fight! I'm not sure how Fall Silent got in there, but that's pretty funny.

Retroview: Ripping Corpse / Dim Mak

In case it wasn't obvious from my gushing about bands like Forced Entry and Believer, I have a real soft spot for technical thrash that's progressive without being prog. There is perhaps no better example of that style than New Jersey's finest, Ripping Corpse (and their sister band Dim Mak).



Ripping Corpse - "Dreaming With The Dead" (1991)
I am going to skip the demos because (as I recall) the songs are all on this album. I'm sure some "I ONLY LIKE THE DEMO!!" idiot will correct me on that, and of course tell me that the demos are better than the full length. Well, that's what the comments are for.



In any case, this is a masterpiece of offbeat, unique thrash. The thing that really sets Ripping Corpse apart is the way that they always seem to accent the parts you don't expect. So if you were trying to dance to it, you would always end up on the wrong foot. Maybe one of you tards can tell me the musical term for this, it could just be syncopation. For example, the second riff in the song above, "Anti-god," is all herky jerky and fucked up like there are extra beats here and there. "Chugging Pus" is another really good example of those strange accents. Shaune Kelley also has a very unique style of lead that reminds me a lot of James Murphy, only I think this predates anything James Murphy did?

The only weak spot is the cover, which is rather unfortunate. I appreciate the fact that it doesn't have an oil painting of a monster or an evil politician (with toxic waste behind him, naturally), but to me it's just an indicator of Scott Ruth being a big weirdo. I'm imagining him trying to articulate some bizarre, pseudo-metaphysical concept to the poor shmuck who had to paint the cover, who is only halfway listening and already doodling up this image of a vaguely Central American temple with some guy sitting in the middle of the floor. It makes about as much sense as the bloody saw on the cover of "Human Waste" hacking away at a single femur bone (see "Great moments in art history: Suffocation").

8/10 bloody axes



Dim Mak - "Enter The Dragon" (1999)
This will probably be controversial, but I think this Dim Mak record is what Ripping Corpse meant to be. It continues with the weird, meandering leads, off-kilter accents, and barking vocals, but adds much, much more polished drumming courtesy of Mr. Brandon Thomas and generally more interesting, complex songwriting. Sadly I can't find any of their studio songs on YouTube, so you'll have to settle for this live stuff. The quality isn't the best, but you can definitely hear the drums really well which will tell you a lot about why this record is so awesome. You should definitely download it to give it a chance with nice production. The only possible negative is that this band clearly inspired infamous merchants of Jersey shore slamming groove Waking the Cadaver, who pretty much directly ripped off the winding leads of Shaune Kelley.

Most of the lyrics are about Bruce Lee movies and other martial arts-related stuff like courage, "royal ass whippings," and dragons. Um yeah... that's a little too close to anime tentacle-rape snuff porn territory for me, but whatever. I think there's something in the water down there in the Jersey shore area that breeds nerds- just ask Kevin Smith. I went to the Woodbridge Mall once and it was full of weirdos trading Pokemon in the food court so I left in a hurry.

9/10 bloody axes



Dim Mak - "Intercepting Fist" (2002)
This record pretty much picks up where "Enter the Dragon" left off, only it's a little more stripped down and fast. Personally I like the first album better because the riffs are a little meatier, the drumming is a little more nuanced, and the songs groove better, but they're both excellent. There's not much else to say about this other than the absolutely dreadful cover art.

8/10 bloody axes


Dim Mak - "Knives of Ice" (2006)
Every one of these retroviews seems to end the same way: I say that their last album isn't that good, but I forgive them for it because the other ones are so good. Well, this is no exception. The big thing here is that Origin's John Longstreth plays drums on this, and he is one of the most boring drummers on the face of the earth. Obviously he can play fast as shit, but that's not what Dim Mak is about. They are about groove, and that's something Mr. Longstreth has a hard time with.

6/10 bloody axes

A brief survey of pornogrind

To me, most grindcore sounds like tuneless shit played by retards that don't have two brain cells to rub together. Which is exactly what it is. If there is any genre of music that has lower barriers to entry, I haven't come across it (although, as one of our readers pointed out, bedroom black metal comes close). In spite of the fact that grindcore makes me want to jam sharp objects in my eardums post-haste, I have a real soft spot for it's kissing cousin, pornogrind. Unlike grindcore, which emphasizes playing garbage as fast as possible, pornogrind places a premium on groove and actual songwriting. Plus, I never get tired of porn sample intros. I'm far from an expert on the genre (and who really wants to be?), but here are some of my favorites:



Meatshits
The Meatshits were my introduction to pornogrind, and what an introduction! I bought "The Ecstasy of Death" at the Tower Records in Bellevue, Washington when I was in high school, and to this day it's one of my favorite records in the genre. I still think they have the best song titles, far better than more ironic peers like Anal Cunt. For example: ""Bullshit Lottery", "Let There Be Shit", "Bobbing For Stools", "Cancerous Foreskin", "Dead Fag Quilt", and so on. (At the risk of being PC, I want to be perfectly clear that I am completely laughing at, not with, this stuff) "Sniper At The Fag Parade" is the most jawdroppingly, subhumanly retarded/brilliant thing I've ever heard. It's literally like what your 12-year old, white trash neighbor with fetal alcohol syndrome and severe head trauma would come up with if you gave him a microphone and a 4-track. Basically, I love the Meatshits because they represent the absolute bottom of the barrel of the human race! Listening to them makes me feel like I should be wearing a helmet when I leave the house.

There are lots of other great things about the Meatshits, like how every record has a song or two where he raps over a drum machine and corny Casio-style keyboards, but I've already gone on for too long. I could literally write volumes about how much I love the Meatshits, but I'll leave it at that for now.

Here is a link to download almost all their 7"s.


Cock And Ball Torture
I am going to go out on a limb here and say that CBT have probably listened to Gut once or twice, because they sound almost exactly the same. That's definitely not a bad thing, though, and the world could certainly use more Gut tribute bands. The only real difference is that CBT aren't quite as funny/clever, and I think they use a pitchshifter, which I am kind of philosophically opposed to. But they have massive, moshtastic riffs and the super thick production on their records really puts them over the top. If you like Gut, definitely check out CBT! The video above is pretty good, I especially like the part with the Pope singing.



Gut
Man, I never get tired of YouTube videos that put grindcore songs over silly, mismatched footage! For example the part in this video with Hulk Hogan playing guitar at :24, solid gold. In any case, Gut are perhaps the originators of pornogrind as we know it today. The Meatshits were first, but they more or less just played noisecore with porn lyrics and samples. Gut were the first band that I know of to play the slow, groove-oriented style that defines the genre these days. I think they also pioneered the concept of writing odes to various adult actresses. I totally appreciate this idea, but I feel like their taste in porn chicks is a bit dated, perhaps betraying their age. For example, writing songs about Jenna Haze and Aurora Snow in 2006? Come on dudes, get with the times and write some jams about Eva Angelina, Cody Lane, or Audrey Bitoni. Shit, I'll even settle for Next Door Nikki. What would be some truly next level shit (to borrow their phrase) would be a collabo with Johnny from In The VIP!

Which brings me to the other thing that sets them apart: they have a strong wiggerish element. Needless to say, I love this. For example, the list of influences from their MySpace:

Impetigo, Kool Keith aka Dr. Doom aka Dr. Octagon, Cryptic Slaughter, Repulsion, Notorious B.I.G., G.G. Allin, Lord Of Putrefaction, Macabre, Ol´ Dirty Bastard, Detroit Grand Phubas, old Xysma, Ulcerous Phlegm, very old Demilich, Blowfly, Mike Jones, Gorilla Biscuits, Mehr Kohle Atzen, Interment, S.O.D., Blasphemy, Malediction, Necro, Skateboy P., Righteous Pigs, old KKS, old D.R.I., old Pungent Stench, old Celtic Frost, N.W.A., Gucci Crew II, Autopsy, Bobby Digital, Unseen Terror, old Carcass, Bun B...

On their newer records, they have some songs that are as much rap as they are metal (like "Gigolo Warfare"). It sounds like a terrible idea but I honestly think it's their best stuff! Other good rap songs include "How Low," "Three Handsome Guys" and "Next Level Shit." It's definitely an unlikely combination, but wigger-porno-rap-grind might be my favorite new genre of music. That said, I love wiggerish influences as much as anyone, but I have to draw the line at Bun B, Silkk The Shocker, and Ludacris! Yuck.

Anyhow, make sure you hop on their Myspace and check out their stuff, especially "Gigolo Warfare." If I had to pick a favorite pornogrind band, it would definitely be Gut. If I'm ever in Germany I want to hang out with these guys, they seem like a fun, chatty bunch! But what do I know, I'm listening to New Found Glory as I type this.

DEAD live at Obscene Extreme Festival 2005

Dead
Aside from having a very difficult-to-Google name, Dead is yet another German pornogrind band that's very much in the vein of Gut. Like CBT, they play extremely thick, groovy moshgrind with pit riffment to spare! They have particularly catchy songs, though, so if you like this style, you definitely won't go wrong with Dead.

Dead on Myspace

In a summer, a young man's fancy turns to wigger slam

With more and more wigger slam bands cropping up every day, it can be hard to keep up. That's what I am here for: to make sure that no guttural slamming brutality slips through the cracks for our readers! Our data indicates that most Metal Inquisition readers are primarily into dinosaur metal, so I know that most of you hate this stuff, but you should challenge yourself to man up and join the guttural slamming brutality crew!

If you don't feel you are ready for being a slam metal fan, you should stop reading immediately. Instead, pick up the Relapse catalog, put on some Mastodon or Braindrill, and enjoy the safety of fossil metal.

Cephalotripsy
http://www.myspace.com/cephalotripsy
Let's begin with what I feel is probably the best slam metal band in the history of guttural slamming brutality. I know that's a pretty bold statement, but after you give them a listen I think you will agree. Cephalotripsy is the best of Internal Bleeding combined with the crushing pit riffment necrotic embludgeonmenting of Devourment. Put this record on and you will be slamming around your room before you know it.

Gorevent
http://www.myspace.com/gorevent
I am not sure how to say the name of this band, but they are a great Japanese wigger slam band featuring ex-Rest In Gore members with some hot chick playing bass. They basically sound exactly like Rest In Gore, which is a really good thing. Just from this photo you can tell they will be sweet because it's a bunch of normal looking Japanese dudes wearing illegible death metal shirts, camo shorts and baseball hats. But getting back to the chick, look how good her hair is. I'm jealous of Asians because they have such naturally shiny, dark, straight hair, and it's so easy for them to have cool, piecey ends.


NJDOTS
http://www.myspace.com/njdots
NJDOTS is basically what New Yorkment would be if they weren't a joke band. If you don't know about some dirty Jer-Z shit now, you will after jamming their demo. NJDOTS stands for "New Jersey Department of Transportation Suicide," after the way that people kill themselves by throwing themselves in front of NJ Transit trains. They don't have any hardcore influences, but I would like to think that Rick Ta Life and ANT$ would be down with them anyway. It's all Jer-Z.

Abort Mastication
http://www.myspace.com/abortmastication
Here is another Japanese band that describes themself as "Brutaldeathmetal Goregrind Moshgore Grindcore Chaotic." To me it sounds like brutal death metal with a generous helping of slams, but you can be the judge. Mostly I just love their Engrish.

Liturgy
http://www.myspace.com/liturgychicago
Now technically this might not be wigger slam, and it's definitely not new, but I just came across this band and wanted to share. I was a big Cinerary fan, and this band has 2 or 3 guys from Cinerary, so you pretty much know what to expect: brutal as fuck death metal in the California style with Disgorge's Matti Way on vocals. How could you go wrong?!


Rest In Gore
http://www.myspace.com/restingoreofficial
Along with Disconformity and Glossectomy, Rest In Gore are leading the pack in terms of Japanese wigger slam. I know it's incredibly trite for internet metal nerds to worship obscure Japanese sub-subgenres, but the truth is that the Japs just know how to fucking slam like nobody else. Anyway this band sounds like all the other JPDM bands that I like but there is something special about them. Much like the Toyota production system has perfected the delivery of an automobile at the greatest possible efficiency, Rest In Gore deliver the maximum possible slams per second with ruthless Japanese efficiency.


Condemned
http://www.myspace.com/condemnedmetal
This album came out last year and in my opinion was extremely underrated. It is 3/4 of Cephalotripsy, and basically sounds the same except that they play mostly blasts instead of slamz. So it really wouldn't fit into a purist's orthodox definition of slam metal, but I am willing to bend the rules for you, our readers. I thought this album was one of the finest death metal albums I've ever heard, it's just wall-to-wall brutality with absolutely no melody or compromises. Dinosaur metal fans will probably be put off because there aren't any parts where they play Iron Maiden harmonies and none of the songs are about being a fucking Viking or whatever bullshit you people are into, but if you want guttural slamming brutality, you came to the right band. For fans of Disgorge, Deeds of Flesh, and other brutal California death metal, but unlike a lot of those other bands it never gets boring because they don't play too many tremolo riffs.