Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Waking the Cadaver's singer now sells Amway. Seriously.

Step to Donald Campan and you will be easily assaulted

In case you aren't familiar with them, Waking the Cadaver is a wigger slam band from the Jersey shore. You can think of them as the Family Dollar of wigger slam: dirty, unpleasant and only patronized by smelly vagrants that barely qualify as human. After we wrote an unflattering post about them the singer got butthurt and threatened to beat me up. But he's not just an ignorant homophobe, he's also an Amway salesman!

Yes, you read that correctly... when he's not threatening me, Donald Campan is busy being an IBO (Independent Business Owner) for Amway! My friends, I'm not making this shit up, it's brutally real. Actually, I sort of wish I was making it up because that would give me a little more faith in humanity, but this is all too true. Gene Hoglan's Balls sent me a link to his MySpace in which he proudly announces that he is now "ENDORSED." I think that is another word for "bought into a retarded pyramid scam in which I hawk off-brand crap on MySpace."

There's almost too much material to work with, so in this post I will just point out all my favorite details.

His stangry headshot
I am a huge fan of Loveline, the sex/relationship advice show starring Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew. One of my favorite bits is Adam's word, "stangry," a combination of stupid and angry. He usually uses it to describe teenagers from Riverside, but I can't think of a better way to characterize the dim yet vaguely antagonizing look in Donald's eyes above. He's like that jerky stoner that would stand around the metal shop in high school wearing a Ride The Lightning shirt and say things like "What are you lookin' at, fag? Stare hard, retard!!"


His childlike excitement
I love how he seems genuinely stoked about this! He really thinks this is going to be his big break. With copy like "I am sure you could find something you like because there are so many products to choose from to suite all genders and tastes," it's hard to imagine he won't be rolling in cash pronto. I've highlighted the parts that made me LOL particularly hard:
What's goin' on friends!! YES! - I am now an IBO (Independent Business Owner) via Amway Global. I sell exclusive products from make-up to skin products, food/water (all organically grown)/vitamins to jewelry/apparel and much-much more! Please click around the my online catalog (*see above links below the photo) to view many products that you can't find anywhere else in the world! I also really hope you can pass this website on to many others to help me spread the word of this fantastic service I am offering. I personally have a lot of products that are from the online store that really are amazing and that I use myself on tour and at home. I am sure you could find something you like because there are so many products to choose from to suite all genders and tastes. I can assure you that this is NOT A SCAM or anything like that. By being a part of this global corporation, I am putting my good name on the line as well as the Amway Corporation. Please copy and paste the link(s) to view MY STORE! Thank you for your time and happy shopping!

Not Spam, myspace just wants you to pay for links as an advertising fee...no thanx! I think you can put together the address...***
Girls: dcampan . qbeautyzone . c o m Guys: dcampan . qhealthzone . c o m Both: dcampan . qhealthbeauty . c o m
He won't pay for MySpace to make links for his domains so he has to mangle the janky URLs (he's also too dumb/cheap to buy domain names I guess) and asks you to copy and paste them.

The merchandise
I have no idea what possessed him to offer this bizarre and disorienting assortment of crap. It reminds me of my favorite little Mexican store called "Miscellaneous Rodriguez." Lucho and Skullkrusher's mom stopped by there once and tried to tell them the name made no sense, but they weren't having it: their name was Rodriguez, you see, and they sold miscellaneous goods, so it made perfect sense to them. She probably scolded them a little bit and walked out, shaking her head and muttering under her breath about martians.

Donald seems to have been working under a similar plan when developing his merchandise mix. I am not sure why he would think that anybody wants to buy pots and pans, facial cleanser, and Lemon Twist meal bars from the singer of Waking The Cadaver, but apparently he managed to convince himself.

Cran-Grape Blast is the most grinding, brutal flavor

What woman wouldn't jump at the chance to buy off-brand cosmetics from the man who wrote "Chased Through The Woods By A Rapist"?

A $1400 Amway cookware set? Sign me up!

Our ideas
We figured it was time to squash the MI/WTC beef, so we wanted to show Donald that we are bros by brainstorming a few ideas for how he could improve his Amway store. We hunkered down in the conference room of our Midatlantic Innovation Center and sketched out a few concepts. Donald, please feel free to take these and run with them! They are available under the Creative Commons license so they're all yours!


1. Waking The Cadaver signature gaydar
From his MySpace message to me, we know that Donald "doesn't respond to gays," and wouldn't want you to either. I was discussing this with one of our consultants from I Could Die Tomorrow and he asked an important question:
[16:58] XxxXxxxxxxxx: Does he have a special detector so he knows not to serve gay customers?
With that in mind, who better to offer a signature gaydar than Donald?? It can go right next to our other new product concept:


2. 1:14 scale Nocturnus time machines
WTC fans are not the most intelligent people, so we're betting that they've got a lot of regrets (or at least they should). What better way to remind them that they've painted themselves into a corner with one poor life choice after the next than with a scale model of the Nocturnus time machine (does not actually travel through time)? You wish you could go back in time to fix the foolish mistakes you made, but it's too late... you're going to work at a gas station and listen to Waking The Cadaver forever.


3. Better advertising
We don't claim to be experts in marketing or graphics design like Donald is (he lists "marketing" and "$" as two of his interests and says he is an avid reader of Print magazine, which is popular with medicore graphics designers). Nonetheless, we figured that he might appreciate it if we took a stab at a new campaign for him. Aside from re-writing the copy, we also added a "no fat chicks" button to his lapel so that ugly groupies will stop sweating him- he doesn't want your cottage cheese ass, you fat bitch!! Also, we retouched his headshot a little to fix up his weak jawline and double chin.

Best of luck with your Amway store, Donald! If you ever want to do a METAL INQUISITION X WTC collabo, holler at your boys!

96 comments:

  1. Hahaha, great post. I almost feel bad for the guy, almost.

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  2. this one of the best e-burns ever. god this guy might actually kill you for how bad he just got owned. it is the only way he could salvage any bit of his rep.

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  3. This is the second-funniest thing I have read all day. (This is the funniest.)

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  4. HookerVonSkankyassJune 2, 2009 at 7:19 PM

    Before I read the last paragraph and clicked on the picture, I thought the button he's wearing in the improved ad said NO EAT COCKS!

    For some reason this made me laugh hysterically for like 5 minutes.

    Actually, I'm just going to keep on pretending that that's what it says.

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  5. Awesome post.

    I laughed entirely too hard at the whole "Miscellaneous Rodriguez," thing.

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  6. Why is "Miscellaneous Rodriguez" not a tag? Get right on that.

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  7. that was pretty brutal man. i LOL'd in my pants.

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  8. oh my god. this is gold. gold.

    reminds me of a guy named Milton who I worked with when I was 17. We were both telemarketing for a living, except he was 45 and lived with his mom. During our break one day, he said to me that he had to get home early because he had a ton of work to do for his company. I asked him what his company was, and he responded "we sell everything", so I said "what do you mean 'everything', like peanut butter and soap?" he said "oh yeah, we got all that stuff" right away i knew that this greek man-child had fallen for the oldest scam in the book, Amway. i felt so bad for him. He got fired like a week later for bringing throwing stars into work.

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  9. I look forward to the follow up post about his reaction. I mean, holy shit.

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  10. Man, I have a coworker who tries to hock this shit. He even gave me some of that awful energy drink to try. It tastes like diet battery acid.

    Good luck, Don.

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  11. it's a tough call but that may be the funniest MI post i've read. if you didn't mean to skip over his "suite" instead of "suit" for silent comedy purposes - uh - he uses "suite" instead of "suit." the 1/10 nocturnus time machine looks comfy as fuck.

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  12. shit, i totally meant to point out "suite" but i forgot!! thanks for the note!

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  13. HAHAHAHAHHA...YES! I've been waiting for this since I sent you that link. I knew you wouldn't disappoint, Sarg! This is easily MI's most br00tal post evah!

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  14. Joey DeMaio is in his parents' basement, wearing his Knights of Malta Dracula cape and furry armor and laughing at Donald's lameness.

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  15. This is easily, one of the best posts on this blog. OMFG, the people on waking the cadaver shoutbox on last.fm gonna love this.

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  16. you know it's bad if DeMaio is laughing at you while wearing his cape. oh damn. snap.

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  17. Wow, how about a real estate piece on this guy? Don't know about you fellas, but I've never heard of a man, especially a 27-year old, that sells Amway. Sounds like the last resort of somebody whose mom is threatening to kick him out of her house 'cause his daily routine consists solely of eating all the Ritz crackers and blasting brutal slamz all day.

    He and his mom/roommate should live in Auburn, he could tag along to the DeMaio house and hang out with Joey when his mom goes over to play Bunco. They could invent a genre like Sword Slamz, or write songs about how much they hate it when their moms bitch at them to take out the trash and find a nice girl to marry.

    His Amway business will take off when Joey divulges the secret to his own 'success' - Germans will buy anything!

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  18. Q: What is less metal than being yelled at by your mom because she can't park in her garage due to the Amway junk you have piled up in there?

    A: Nothing. Nothing is less metal than that.


    Imagine if Amway got into the retail music business, you'd have poor saps with garages full of Iced Earth, Testament and Superjoint Ritual Cd's that no one wanted. WTC would be a perfect Amway band, what with being a 3rd rate knock-off and all.

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  19. THIS is comedy gold! THIS is the reason why I visit this blog at least 2x a day praying to Mephistopheles, Beelzebub, & Lucifer himself for updates!

    This WTC guy is gonna lose his wigger mind when he read this, could this guy show his level or lack of intelligence, therein, by literally "buying" into one of the oldest schemes known to man!?

    I mean fuck, even I can admit to accepting a sales job with a perfume company at 18 that wanted me to run around shopping centers all over South FLA hocking their shit! In hopes of selling so much that one day I will get my own office and will manage a sale crew of my own! HA HA! I gave it 1 day and quit!

    This Donald guy is hilarious!

    But the Waking The Cadvaer Gaydar had me pissing myself!
    If Donald and crew aimed it at their own audiences at gigs the truth would be told! Anyone who has to act that hard and show the world how tough they are, surely had LOTS of sleepovers as a kid! And found many excuses and ways to see their friends pee pees!

    CLOSET HOMOS IN WAKING CADAVER DENIAL!

    Great fucking post Lucho, you guys are soon to be the Salman Rushdies of the metal scene!

    HOW LONG BEFORE DON THE CADAVER HAS A "FAG-WA" AGAINST THE METAL INQUISITION CREW!? LOL!

    -LEE

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  20. Off with your "heads" and into Dons mouth! He loves cocktail franks!

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  21. haha, yeah this might be hard to top!

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  22. Ugh what a dork he and his bandmate are... I would toss their silly baseball hats into the wastebasket and make them grow their hair out at gunpoint.

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  23. best post ever!

    by the way, blabbermouth reports this today: "Oz Fox of reactivated Christian hard rockers STRYPER will marry Annie Lobért, a 41-year-old former call girl who founded the international Christian ministry Hookers for Jesus, on June 5 in Las Vegas, Nevada"

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  24. hahahahhaa, the level of subnormality of some people is amazing ... I see this "salesman" trying to sell all his crap to the WTC audiences ... poor guy.

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  25. That song "I Know the Insides of Women" just got its true meaning: the dude was talking about women's inherent love of cosmetics.

    Stage banter:

    Fuck yeah! That was "Raped, Pillaged and Gutted"! And now all you sick motherfuckers out there please visit our stand for some killer face packs and cookware. We'll be back with our new song "Disemboweled with iCook®".

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  26. i think selling this crap to his audiences is certainly part of the plan, since he's a marketing and graphix genius, i'm sure he's got it all figured out.

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  27. I can't believe how expensive that junk is. Who actually buys that crap?

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  28. Matt from JerseyJune 3, 2009 at 9:03 AM

    Sgt D, shame on you for missing the ultimate cross market branding opportunity... It's not Amway... it's
    SLAMWAY!!!

    Get Billy Mays on the phone stat!

    Quite possibly the best MI post in history.

    "@John
    make them grow their hair out at gunpoint."

    +1 million internets for this.

    PS: My capcha word was "biast" I swore for a second that it was "blast"

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  29. Holy shit; I could not stop laughing at this; I nearly cried when I saw the 1:14 scale Nocturnus Time Machine.

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  30. "Yo this next songs called "chased through the woods by an amway salesman"! Any faggits step to this and you will get easily assaulted with great deals on all your home goods needs!"

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  31. You can think of them as the Family Dollar of wigger slam: dirty, unpleasant and only patronized by smelly vagrants that barely qualify as human

    10/10

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  32. Also, somebody should start a band called Donald Campan's Beauty Zone. Maybe it can be a chick band playing br00tal pit riffment.

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  33. hahaha that sounds like some weird version of a Mortician song

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  34. I think Donald Campan's Beauty Zone should be a Nitro cover band.

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  35. There is no possible way that myspace page is real. Fuck, I refuse to believe that New Jersey actually exists.

    PS: I hope no one missed this:

    http://b8.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/00609/84/42/609832448_l.jpg

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  36. hahaha! should be on njguido.com!

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  37. Pure gold! Incredibly harsh and ruthless post, but from what I gather the retard in question definitely deserves it.

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  38. or hotchickswithdouchebags.com

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  39. This is now my favorite site on the internet. Congratulations, you've done it. I have a special place in my heart for Amway 'tards.

    Amtards.

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  40. God. I have always hated those "young guys with big dreams" where upon recently meeting them they basically talk about their business and how much money they're going to make one day. It doesn't surprise me that this WTC clownshoe is one of them, one indicator that someone might be one of these guys is the thickly grown, but nicely kempt facial hair.

    I hope to Jesus Jones this guy replies. I'm subscribing to his Myspace blog.

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  41. 10/10
    i will miss you guys dearly when this guy eventually kills you....or at least TRIES to kill you but just as he's about to raise the hammer to clobber you, his mom yells for him to get back home right this fucking minute and move all this Amway crap outta the garage..

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  42. Do Amway sell 'ufc george pierre' DVDs? Do you think I can order one from Donald?

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  43. NEW JERSEY IS REAL! Trust me, I live there!

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  44. Killer post, 10/10, and Slamway kicks assess!!!

    I think WTC should change its name to Cleansing The Cadaver or Warming The Cookpots.

    I so much want to read his answer to see how many times he´ll be calling you faggits, as he posts new pictures of Amway stuff for tough guys...

    Even better: Waking The Metrosexual.

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  45. The best part is that the guys names is fucking DONALD!!!! I can't sop LOLing at that!

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  46. Holy fucking shit, I'm so glad I don't share an office because I choked on my coffee reading this shit.

    I fucking love you guys (not in an internet faggit way though).

    I can't wait to read the next (badly-spelled, barely literate) threatening email he sends you re: this post.

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  47. With a name like DONALD and a budding sales career, he's going to be hawking "that Tru-coat" on used car lot Oldsmobiles in North Dakota in no time.

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  48. That was the greatest bit ever written on MI. Excellent work.

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  49. MI Yo-yos.

    One side says "slay a poser and get a free yo-yo" the other side is a stencil of WTC Don.

    I'd pre-order.

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  50. Great piece!

    I just wish that I was "endorsed"

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  51. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Fucking funny as fuck, this. Bought me own ale!

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  52. matty's ding dongsJune 3, 2009 at 3:46 PM

    You motherfucker! I almost choked on my carrot I was laughing so hard at that time machine picture!

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  53. The part that has me rollin' (or lollin')is picturing Sgt. D's face the split second before he clicked his mouse to post this piece. Sweet Victory!

    Bring on the Yo-yo's

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  54. epic guttural slamming pwnage! you guys are on a DIVINE roll these days! and how the fuck did donald think he could get away with this? the guy clearly doesn't self-reflect at all!? I'll wait here and hit f5 until you post his reply. which is bound to be hilarious once again.

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  55. that was fucking epic. great job as usual. we wrote up a little blurb and link to this article on our blog.

    http://spinelanguage.wordpress.com/2009/06/03/epic-burn/

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  56. maybe he will market the MI yo-yo's for you.

    im sure hell tell you to unsuck a cock.

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  57. "Yo-yo's" are definitely wigger-slam verbiage.

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  58. holy shit man... dont know who the eff this clown is but what a LAME... funniest shit ive read inna while... btw hes gonna shit his pants when he sees how pathetic u made him look... keep exposing these fakes

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  59. 1000% awesome! This douche obviously has someone else write that stuff for him, 'cause he can't spell for shit. By the way, you didn't beef up his chin enough. You should have superimposed Robert Z'dar's chin on there!

    http://farm1.static.flickr.com/185/447456492_6ce17a0487.jpg

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  60. I can't wait for homeboy to read the comments here and see that not a single metal fan has got his back!

    yo Don, fuck you! you can suck metal sanaz's dick

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  61. Man, that was unreal from the article to the comments. I literally was loling so hard I had to clench my ass to keep from shitting myself. Absolutely ruthless! This dude is a total ballbag.

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  62. This is easily one of the best MI posts EVER. I just got off work and I am wide awake now from laughing so hard.

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  63. i'm glad that i'm not the only person who primarily found this post funny because the guy's name is fucking DONALD.

    either way, great job on this one.

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  64. Sarge, isn't crossing out "No Fat Chicks" sort of self-defeating? I mean, you either cross out "Fat Chicks" or just say "No Fat Chicks". This way it turns out the dude actually likes fat chicks. Which is just as well.

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  65. Waking The Cadaver is absolutely terrible. Simple ass chugging over his very crappy vocals. He thinks he's so cool because his gargles into his cuffed microphone when its balls-deep into his throat.

    He's very untalented and yeah, he's a slam death dollar-tree wigger that loves phat beats and sippin' on "40'deez"

    www.ftsmetal.com
    I write my own music and its better than Waking The Cadaver. I'm gonna go get some Amway, suckas.
    -James

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  66. Dollar Tree wigger!! how about Check Smart wiggers?

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  67. As someone who made fun of this band and then was personally threatened (and by personally, I mean by vague, "internet gangster" -style, misspelled threats about what would happen if I ever ventured into NJ) by this band AND their "street team," I can truly appreciate the hilarity of this post.

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  68. Why would I pay almost two bucks a can for the same kinda shit I get at Big Lots for sixty cents?
    Also, after looking at his MySpace page and that first photo here, him listing his body type as "athletic" seems a little bit generous.

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  69. For more info on wtc
    http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Waking_the_Cadaver

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  70. @LB
    "listing his body type as "athletic" seems a little bit generous".

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

    is it metal to list your body type on a public forum? maybe hes the "faggit".

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  71. Asa pointed me to this and I can't stop reading it. Holy shit @ the retouched ad. Pure genius.

    -Adam

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  72. strangely funny how these attempts at harming WTC’s name, only promotes their name more and more on the internet.

    And not to mention, prove more and more that WTC’s comments (although extremely aggressive and written in anger) show that Sgt. D of Metal Inquisition, is indeed an “internet fagit” completely consumed with the way MEN look.

    very weird.

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  73. Awesome post.Comedy gold.Thank you MI,my hangover is gone.

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  74. oh indeed, spreading that bands good name over the internet.. they love you everywhere, just read the reviews: http://www.metal-archives.com/band.php?id=64723
    butthurt much donald? :D

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  75. Sorry I'm late for the party. I'm sure this has already made the rounds , but it's worth repeating.

    Waking the Cadaver, with lyrics!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCBSX0XDSVI&NR=1

    Gold Standard post BTW. I bet his mother looks like Joey D. in a cape.

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  76. Wow, this is an actual comment on the video you posted on the Wigger Slam post.

    "I'm not sure about the lyrics, but at 1:02, he definitely says "labial meat"

    Pure fucking poetry.

    I wonder if Donald would accept food stamps for Slamway Labial Meat.

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  77. I'm just eating up the 'Donald Campan's Health Zone' template at the top of the site. What qualifies this man to operate a Health Zone?

    "do you have peanut butter and soap?" "yeah we have all that stuff."

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  78. Brilliant. 10/10.
    It had been a few days since I checked my beloved MI, this post was PURE GOLD!

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  79. Brilliant post...but the guy's myspace is so OTT ridiculous it's hard to believe it's not a joke. The guy just doesn't "get it" at all.

    Also: he's a college graduate? What college would that be? Wigger U?

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  80. So this kid that went to high school with me randomly hit me up on Facebook and asked me if I wanted to make “a little bit of extra money”. Turns out that meant selling for Amway. Thanks to Sergeant D, I knew to be like “nah, man.” God I love this post.

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  85. That was utterly hilarious, really enjoyed readin that! I rekon Donal takes it up the batty!

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  86. Well this is really bad to know about this guy. But I didn't listen his song.

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  88. This is some interesting post..nice to have here to know more new things about that guy..

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