Wednesday, June 24, 2009

What will they think of next: Purulent Jacuzzi

"Get me Putin!"

Until very recently, there was a place in Seattle called "Tubs" in which you could rent a jacuzzi by the hour. Yes, I know what you are thinking- everybody in the area also recoiled in horror at the idea of submerging their genitals in a rancid bath that is more or less a stew made from the lower bodies of whatever strangers happened to be rent the jacuzzi before you did.

I am pretty sure the drummer is the guy who invented Tetris. Either that or a pedophile. Maybe both.

I could go into more detail, but thanks to the wonders of Web 2.0, I can simply crowdsource it from Yelp!! Yay internets! (I feel like there is someone at IDEO or Frog right now coughing awkwardly to remind me that they coined the term "crowdsourcing" in 2002). Here are a few highlights from consumer reviews:
Brooke B.
It has been fun making jokes about contracting the clap from your titular "tubs" for the last 10 years. It was always my plan to bring a special someone and a bucket of Ezell's fried chicken to a private room and really get down. Thanks for the memories, Tubs. You will be missed.

Ari:OMG, I'm so embarrassed!
Tanya:Rumor has it that people were having sex in the totally secluded hot tubs, so they got shutdown.
JC: Yeah, people would fling gonorrhea and Chlamydia at the walls.
Ari: ehhhh...okay.
Tanya: I'm HUNGRY!
The place is obviously still closed, and surprisingly fenced up by the health department and the humane society.

Mr. Robot O.
I visited here in an "official" capacity as an inspector, not a customer, so I only got to look at, and not enjoy, the "sparkling acrylic spas with hydro-therapy jets" constructed with "state-of-the-art spa engineering."
The thought of paying someone so I could lounge around in these giant petri dishes wasn't that enticing.
With bands like the Meat Shits and Gut pushing the boundaries of poor taste over the past decade or two, it's harder than ever to shock audiences. You really have to dig deep to find something inspiring that's novel, unique yet completely foul and disgusting. For Russian goregrind band Purulent Jacuzzi, Tubs is just that source of inspiration.

That's what I tell myself, at least. I certainly can't think or any other reason why a band would call themselves fucking Purulent Jacuzzi! At first I thought it was some sort of misunderstanding; I figured they just didn't really understand what the fuck they were saying. I assumed it was like Lisa Simpson said when she saw a poster for the movie Yahoo Serious: "Those words are both English, but they don't make any sense together!"

But no! From the image above, it seems that they understand exactly what those words mean and are using them quite literally! Best of all, they are pretty fucking good, especially the song in the video above. I'm not all that crazy about bree-bree vocals, but the singer for PJ pulls them off about as well as anybody, and they definitely have their share crushing slamz.

If there is anything to take away from all this, it is that no man has a crystal ball. Wait, that's not true, Mike Browning has the Nocturnus crystal ball. But aside from him, we are all powerless to predict what strange, new, exciting forms of music are coming around the bend. All we can do is sit back and enjoy the show... and mosh our balls off to Purulent Jacuzzi.


  1. I'm not sure why I'm bothering to point this out... but Yahoo Serious was an actor, not a movie.

  2. Lets face it, the pedo who invented Tetris probably pulled in a lot of tail.

    I miss Tubs. The building had this Roman bathhouse theme going. It was always rumored that there was a busted prostitution ring there. I am too lazy to Google it. I prefer to stay ignorant whenever possible.

  3. totally unrelated, but since there is no where to post on MI:

    could Scott Ian be the "original" beardo? this might prove how out of touch they are, haha.

  4. Ah yes, Tubs. I would drive past that place after getting movies at Scarecrow and just cringe at what I imagined was going on inside.

    That's some slammin' russkie riffage, Sarge. Thanks for seeking it out.

  5. damn you shelby!! i hope the Tubs content at least adds something to the discussion.

  6. I used to live in the UW dorms and the football players that also lived there would always take their slut dates to Tubs.

    RIP to a NW institution.

  7. I guess so. PS I'm working on a "guest post" for you guys at present. Prepare to be schooled on proper metal blogging, grampa.

  8. PSS there is also a currently-active sex-in-hot-tubs place in Arcata (Humboldt County), that is totally gross and frequented by dirty hippies who want to screw in other people's bathwater. I can't remember the name, but I'll get back to you.

  9. I don't believe Shelby for a second. Bathwater is like kryptonite to hippies.

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