Friday, June 26, 2009

From Spain with love (Part 2)


In case you missed the first part of this post, you should know that two of Metal Inquistion's finest writers are going to Spain and Andorra, not to see some horrible metal festival, but to see the Tour De France as it makes it's way through those two countries. In celebration, we will now take a closer look at Spain's offerings and culture in the realm of metal.



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Sometimes, even kvlt black metal dudes have to put grimness aside and say "ehhh...fuck it, I need to get laid"



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When I see this picture, all I can think about is the fact that his mother still lovingly washes the skid marks out of his underwear.


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Many bands from Spain are merely fifth rate rip offs of more established shit bands. Want proof? Just look at Spanish shit-music pioneers Nu. Have you ever had the unfortunate luck of listening to Jethro Tull? If you have, then you've also heard these guys. Spanish lesson for today: How to say "the flute is the most phallic instrument ever, and all those who play the flute were probably molested as children", repeat after me class "La flauta es el instrumento mas falico del mundo, y todos los que tocan la flauta probablemente fueron abusados sexualmente cuando eran niños."


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This particular black metal band from Spain is really not trying hard enough. Just look at their ill-conceived stage props. Who could possibly hang themselves from a noose that is two feet off the floor?


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I can just imagine the email that the band members sent the "artist" who drew this cover. Once translated into English, it went a little something like this: "So the logo will totally be made of steel, and should have rivets! Don't forget the rivets, they are very important. From the logo, lightning should come down, and be hitting both the statue that we mentioned in our last email, but also the human heart that the guy will be holding on his right hand. Oh and by the way, please make sure that the guy holding the heart looks exactly like Dog The Bounty Hunter, and please make sure that his hands are permanently locked in an action figure-like kung-fu grip.





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I don't know which part to laugh at first, the perspective or the misshaped roulette wheel. Having said that, I have to say that I admire the artists' ability to render the creases in both fabrics and leather. This guy must have been trained by artistic master who gave the world the sublime rendering of drapes on the cover of Death Angel's Act III




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If your mom asks you to go cut down some of the weeds in the back yard, don't take it as a worthless chore. If you are truly committed to being grim, you should see it as an opportunity to be grim as fuck.




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In an attempt to bring Spain into this century, the police have been rounding up metal douchebags on a daily basis, and sterilizing them in order to prevent them from breeding. Although some are protesting that these round-ups reek of Franco-era tactics, I see them as being both unimportant, and unnecessary. Why spend tax payer's money sterilizing these individuals, when their denim vests already act as a kryptonite-like deterrant against all females?



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Vests in general are very useful. A life vest keeps you from drowning. A bullet proof vest keeps bullets away. A denim vest keeps women away.

Come on, you saw the joke coming from a mile away...but you still laughed. Admit it.

35 comments:

  1. It's 3:51 AM where I am right now!
    I sure do love me some chunky n grim spaniards.

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  2. The Gut patch makes it classy.

    (though the amebix back patch is badass)

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  3. Oh my fucking god this post was so awesoem!

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  4. Killer post.

    That's why I never had a denim jacket...at my worst I had (and have) a white Guess jacket with no patches on it...but I'm now wearing my Jesus is a Cunt Cradle shirt to keep the religious bitches away.

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  5. This at last was fucking epic.

    repeat after me class:
    Esto fuè fucking epic

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  6. Just look at their ill-conceived stage props. Who could possibly hang themselves from a noose that is two feet off the floor?
    I know one person: Lucho! bad-dum *crash*
    tags: really short south american people

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  7. I have a few issues with my brother's post!

    1. It is true we are going to Spain for the Tour, BUT Andorra is NOT a country. I know they'd like to think of themselves as one (like Monaco and those hippies in Tibet), but they are just a principality, which is politician for "retarded little area with no chance of true independence." Wait a second, in that case Canada is a principality, too. Ooooh! Zzzing!

    2. The Baron Rojo record cover is pretty cheesy, but the letters made from numbers are genius! Typographically speaking, that is. Also, Lucho had that cover hanging on his bedroom wall! We got it from a record store that was getting rid of covers they had used for window displays. That one a Black Sabbath one, Metallica and a Scorpions one. You know it to be true, no sense in denying it, I WAS THERE!

    3. I think denim vests with patches are badass which is why I still have mine and rock it often. I wore it to the maiden show in Jersey, If you recall.


    That being said, thank you for the dancing midget interlude.

    CW, the best patch, better than the Gut one, has to be the Blood Feast one on the right vest.

    Franco:
    "repeat after me class:
    Esto fuè fucking epic"


    You estas muy right-o!

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  8. haha.. did i just see someone who thinks denim jackets are ridiculous, but wears a cradle of filth shirt that sais 'jesus is a cunt' himself? or did i miss the irony?

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  9. He does it because if he didn't wear it he would be swarmed by "religious bitches". Its for his own safety

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  10. Solid Friday post.

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  11. "steralizing" once i just a typo, "steralizing" twice is just plain wrong (on so many levels). just saying...

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  12. Guys, dont forget to rock your Green MOD bib shorts for the race.

    "Vests in general are very useful. A life vest keeps you from drowning. A bullet proof vest keeps bullets away. A denim vest keeps women away".

    HAHAHAH! sweet jesus thats funny!

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  13. That dude looked way more like Dave Mustaine than Dog. Just sayin'.

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  14. The dude with the CRYPTOPSY shirt ain't from Spain, he is from Turkey, fuckers!

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  15. man, i just pimped the fuck out of my vest for nothing?

    im serious.
    it has spikes and pyramid studs and even those stars that vivian from the young ones has on his head.

    but i have actually gotten more girls with the vest.
    its all about wearing sleeveless tees underneath, so the gals can see how uber-buff you are.

    Especially in cold weather.

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  16. Spain and its regional 3rd rate metal bands hahaha, muy buen post!

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  17. The "horns up...skid marks" guy is actually from Turkey. Krvestreb 'zine or something. Somewhere on the web there's a photo of the same guy with my band's CD.

    Anyway, I admit I don't care too much for spanish metal nowadays...right now I'm busy looking at the downfall of Rafa "No Dope, No Hope" Nadal, instead!

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  18. Ha! One of your best posts ever! I laughed my ass of with the "Steralizing" Picture (Did you mean sterilizing or is there another layered joke that I did't get - if not make one up now!). The guy with the kung fu grip is hilarious too.

    I live in Copenhagen (Denmark). In a delayed retro-thrash frenzy, I decided to buy a black denim vest. I have all the patches ready ('cept for the "main" one on the back, difficult decision, any suggestions?) but I can't FOR THE LIFE OF ME, find anywhere a black denim vest.

    Is this the government trying to encourage baby-making? Where are all the goddamn vests?

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  19. That girl in the first pic doesn't look all that bad, but look at the size of the beer she has to drink in order to cuddle up to that grim metal warrior. I must admit that I, too, think the vests are actually pretty cool looking, though I've never worn a vest of any material. Maybe a life vest once, which is the least Kvlt/Brvtal of vests. Maybe I'll make a black 'death vest' filled with stones for the next time I go boating. Then I'd be cool. Right?

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  20. The following things are true:

    1. I'm short
    2. I did have that Baron Rojo cover in my room!

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  21. P-Certain,
    no extra joke. i'm not that deep. i just don't know how to spell. will fix it now.

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  22. Nice to see a Patareni patch in there (front left).

    Crappy Croatian grind represent! Bring the noiz!

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  23. Aw, the denim jackets with patches are awesome. In fact, I slept with a guy last month who was rocking a predominantly doom and old school heavy metal one.

    ...I was drunk at the time though.

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  24. Vest: unless you are a waiter/waitress, there's no point wearing one.

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  25. Ah come on! That MURO album cover art screams metal, metal, metal! Back in my denim vest wearing teenager years, I would have totally have bought that LP just based on that cover artwork alone.

    Anyway, the MURO artwork is way more metal looking than Fates Warning "Night on Broken" LP with that goofy pilgrim hovering over the passed out blonde chick. What the hell were they thinking?!

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  26. Daru, I hope the dude pumped away with his vest on. That would've been metal. Manowar-level.

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  27. Oh my dog! I was in Porto (Portugal) a few weeks ago and I saw THIS very vest in real life. I swear it was that one... I remember the Amebix backpatch and Gama Bomb/Inepsy/Blood/etc patches...

    The irony is that it was a woman wearing it!! No kidding!!

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  28. I'll admit it, I laughed at the vest comment. Twice. It was too good.

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  29. I can say that I saw many a vest like these at the backyards shows I drag myself to every once in a while here in southern california, and expect a guest post with nothing but pretty soon.

    I still tremble when i think of that guys Exumer FULL BACKPATCH!!11

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  30. why isn't anyone the least bit worried that Lucho fancies going to europe to oggle at skinny athletic DUDES in SPANDEX biking their shiny asses across historic roads for glitter & champagne showers? I'm pretty sure that's somewhat on a Manowar level of sports... Let's face it people, any sport besides soccer is just.. gay or pointless.

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  31. Every single sport you can name is gay, including soccer. That's part of the fun.

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  32. matt, i'm totally with you. all sports have a pretty gay side...if only due to the physique of those who participate. swimming? gay. american football? gay, just look at those pants! boxing? super gay! it's two guys who come out in silk robes and wear silk shorts to fight. and the winner gets a purse!*

    *for our european readers, the amount of money offered to the winner of a a boxing match is called a "purse" in the US

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  33. No hay un poco de amor por la banda "mago de oz"?

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