Thursday, June 18, 2009

From Spain with love (Part 1)

Put aside you preconceived notions about men with shaved legs and spandex shorts for a minute. Look, this is a sport where a Norwegian guy named Thor bleeds all over himself as though he were doing a photo shoot for a Mayhem album cover. Not bad, not bad at all.





Breaking news from the Metal Inquisition headquarters, news big enough for me to post my usual Friday piece on Thursday. What's the big news you ask? Two of Metal Inquisition's finest (myself and Mr Skullkrusher) are heading over to Europe in just a few weeks. Why are we going to Europe you ask? That's a perfectly valid question. Are we going to Europe in order to catch some sweet metal festivals? No. Are we going to Europe in order to find where Euronymous' Helvet record store was, in order to laugh uncontrollably while standing in front of it (since it's now a bakery)? Nope. Are going in order to visit the slightly pathetic Cliff Burton memorial that was erected miles away from the site of his accident, and without support of the band or his family? Nah.

You see, we are going to Europe for a much cooler reason. We are going so that we can watch the Tour De France live and in person, as it makes it's way through northeast Spain and Andorra for a few days. What could be more metal than that? (Please don't answer that question.) Although it's tempting, I'm not going to bore you with more details about the trip and my extreme excitement about the whole thing. While perhaps it would be cooler to go to Belgium to see the spring classics, this was an opportunity that presented itself and had to be taken. In order to not focus on cycling, and because our marketing department has determined that all posts relating to sports must be about cricket (due to the international nature of our readership), I will instead write about what Spain has to offer in the realm of metal. Oh, and for any of you that live in Spain, if you manage to spot us in the huge crowds, simply say the magic password and you'll get a prize. The magic password/phrase is:

"M.O.D. was both derivative and self referential in a post-modern sense"

If you successfully spot us, and deliver this line verbatim, you will win one of my most highly prized metal possessions....my cassette of Benediction's "meh" inducing "Subconscious Terror" album.



Before I move on to the primary content of this piece, allow me to make one final point about cycling being metal. Look for yourself, and tell me that the picture of Thor Hushovd wouldn't make for a pretty good black metal album cover. Check it out, side by side with an actual Mayhem cover.



Not too bad huh? Aside from the bright green bib shorts, I think it's pretty good. I mean, you can also argue about the fact that he's wearing a yellow jersey...but hey...Dead was wearing a white "I Love Transylvania" shirt when this picture was taken...so it all evens out. By the way, if you're wondering what the white text says, it's a phrase I ran through one of those online translators. The name of the brutal album would be: "Thor falls while wearing the yellow jersey". Look, when you know what it says, it's not that evil...but just looking at it...it works. *


* Leave it up to me to spend like six minutes in Photoshop in order to make a joke about Mayhem and Thor Hushovd that a grand total of two people worldwide will really get. Ehhh.


Okay, with these formalities out of the way, let's move on to taking a closer look at Spain's offerings in the realm of metal. Enjoy.


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I don't care where you live, I don't care what type of metal you're into...I think we can ALL agree about one thing: nothing says "extreme metal brutality" like three pairs of fuchsia jeans in one picture. While American fans are barely trying when it comes to their attire, dudes in Spain are rocking jeans in colors that are rarely seen in nature, let alone in clothing. Take that American fuckers!



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Spain has really weird traditions. You've probably heard about the running of the bulls in Pamplona, perhaps you also know about the Tomatina festival. A lesser known festival from Spain takes place once a year in San Sebastian. In that celebration, metal fans from throughout the region gather to discuss the validity of Destruction's early recordings for hours upon hours, to see who the last man standing will be. Slowly, lesser competitors fall asleep as they talk, leaving behind the lone "Campeon De Destruction" who will hold his title for one full year. If you thought going to Pamplona and getting gorged by a bull straight into your rectum was painful, you should try listening to these guys talk about Infernal Overkill for eighteen hours straight.




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Spanish lesson for today: How to say "Dan Lilker has super creepy, tiny baby teeth, and so does this guy"

Repeat after me class, "Dan Lilker tiene dientesitos de bebe asustadores, y este tipo tambien los tiene. "


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In some parts of Europe, it's common for semi-grown men to still live with their parents. The upside of this arrangment? Free rent, and the fact that your mom will wash your jean vest (taking extra care to make sure that your Sarcofago patch doesn't come off in the wash.) The downside? Mom makes you take out the garbage when you're in full metal uniform. What's a metal fan to do when confronted with such an inconvenience? If you're like this guy, you see metal opportunities where others see obstacles. Don't let chores slow you down, rock those fucking chores! Take out that fucking garbage. Metal, and metal attitude should never take a holiday. Just look at this guy and learn, this fucker could make yard work look metal.




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Some have said that the Catholic church is too powerful in Spain, and that as a result homophobia is on the rise. I disagree. When you see flagrant displays of homosexuality such as the ones by the singer of Angeles Del Infierno, you have to applaud the church's changing views as well as their leniant policies.












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Quiet down class, please quiet down. Our Spanish lesson for today is the following, repeat after me class: "El Wigger-o Slam-o"



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Son:
"No Papi, that's not what I'm saying at all...I'm saying that Baron Rojo and other bands from Spain are valid, but Sarcofago and Vulcano were lightyears ahead of their time, you know? Also, Beherit merely used that sound and that type of production as a crutch, so I don't know that their contributions were valid at all."

Father:
"Uh...okay, fine. Sure, sure. But seriously, when are you and your collection of fingerless gloves moving out of our fucking house? Your mom and I seriously want you out of our fucking lives once and for all."




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They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. That's all fine and good, but can we also say that it's the sincerest form of unimaginative plagiarism?


* Top image is of a tribute record of bands from Argentina, covering Baron Rojo, who are from Spain.


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"So I was thinking, we can use my sister's drawing at the top of the picture...we can just photoshop it in there. Juan, you can make a wooden manhole cover, just remember to glue some bottle caps on it....what else, what else. Oh yeah, I just remembered. It would be super awesome if we had a shadowy rendering of the Enterprise kinda' like behind us, it would add a grim, outespsace kinda' feel to the picture."





More to come next Friday.

45 comments:

  1. I wonder who the other person is who was excited to see Thor in your post besides myself? I hope you guys will document how metal the Basque fans are when you are there.

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  2. Oh jeez, I actually own that Suffo hoodie. Looking forward to part 2.

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  3. The second person is me...orange is so fucking metal!
    When bike snob nyc disapears too i think we will have found the reason for his and Lucho's similar prose styles.
    "meh inducing" screams bike snob.

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  4. I'm jealous. I got to see some of the Coors Classic races here in Colorado when I was a kid, and got to see a world championship race when they had it at the Air Force Academy grounds in Colorado Springs, and even got Eddy Merckx's scrawled autograph (which was so scrawled that it permanently put me off autograph collecting) - but seeing the Tour with a bunch of crazy Basques has to be the ultimate.

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  5. Are you considering to go see the tour every year? Because you could make yourselves into a regular fixture in the crowd. The German grandpa dressed as a devil, crazy flag waving Basks... and two lone metal dudes.

    Please sport a specific metal shirt, so I can give you the horns (from behind my tv) when I see you guys.

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  6. tour de france is NOT metal. it is carbon-fiber

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  7. Hey guys...
    Been meaning to post this for a while, maybe you can do something with it since you speak so fondly of Pat from Hellwitch! Heres a new pic fron their website that they refer to Pat as "grave desecrating with grimace"!

    As that in opposition to grave desecrating with The Hamburglar, or Mayor McCheese? HA HA!

    This band has always been shlock run by a guy who never wants to put in too much effort to make things quality! Just like their shoddy merch, their Wild Rages "album", etc!

    ENJOY! PREPARE TO PISS YOURSELVES!
    At the sight of a 45 year old guy posing with a mace, and wearing some kind of metal hand gear he probably bought at a Renaissance Fest! What a tool!

    http://www.hellwitch.com/images/hellwitch09group_2_.jpg

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  8. BTW...
    Any interested in buying some rare and out of print death/black metal demo tapes and CD's get in touch!
    I used to sell this stuff on Ebay but I am tired of Ebay's policies that favor the buyer and not the seller... E-mail me for a list!!!!

    hesdeadlee69@gmail.com

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  9. Thor falls while wearing the yellow jersey = "Thor tryner mens han har på seg den gula trøya"

    never thought of thor as much of a metal dude. then again, i can understand what the guy says in interviews.

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  10. Great. When you get here we can go to some gigs at Mephisto wearing full Cervelo Test Team kit and mosh in our cleats! See you at the start village.

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  11. the guys in the red pants are tha band ANTACID from MALAYSIA. not spain. oops!

    also, cycling is gay.

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  12. Matt, what did Eddy Merckx sign for you?

    We are hoping to become a Tour fixture, just like the Devil. We'll be in full black metal gear, including makeup, capes and spiked baseball bats. look out for us on TV!!!

    Demogorgo, damnit how did I not think of that? (metal/carbon fiber)

    Baked Ben, see you there. I rock SPD cleats, which are safer in the pit. Safety first!!!

    Damn you Jared for pointing out the dudes in the fuschia pants. I got it from some website and was led to believe they were from spain. Man, you're good!!!

    As far as Thor being metal....well...his name is metal, at least it sounds that way to North Americans and those of us that live here. I"m glad someone out there knows who both Thor AND Mayhem are. Yay!

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  13. Awesomeness abounds!!!

    I've been living in Spain (Madrid) for about 6 years now so I'll definately bee doin the rounds discussing ALL things MOD to anyone who vaguely resembles an inquisitor of metal!!

    Actually, metal in Spain is hilarious!! Time stopped frozen in 1983. Denim, leather, Blind Guardian patches, the white high tops, "thrash pants" and bullet belts are still de rigeur…. as is an unhealthy infatuation with powermetal and anything with dragons.... or from Germany.... or numerous lyrical references to “steel” “fire” and the hardships of “battle”!
    Anything that happened in metal after the 80’s, doesn’t officially exist. If there’s no falsetto or a sword on the album cover (ie. Pantera, Sepultura, Machine Head, Korn, Slipknot, et al), it isn’t technically metal…. It’s “hardcore”… or, translated: “jarcor” and it is shunned upon! Modernity scares old headbangers!
    If the Spanish heard Brokencyde, they would spontaneously combust.

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  14. I fell off my bike just last week and broke my collarbone. I can tell you that felt pretty metal right then (although I personally prefer "hardcore").
    Might even have been listening to the Cro-Mags while it happened. I am sure that if I had steeled myself better and trained my cat-like reflexes using John Joseph's patented Urban Warfare techniques I would have been able to just brush it off. Another missed opportunity to learn from the Cro-Mags. If only I could go back in time...

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  15. The Benediction tape pictured is a pirate by a Polish company called Baron records harking back to the times when there was no legal protection of copyrights in our country. It's not much of a treat seeing as most of those had final tracks on both sides faded out to save the precious few groszes (1/100 of złoty - the Polish currency).
    What was really great back then, was being able to record full new albums off the then only nationwide fm stereo radio station. They played stuff like Extreme Aggression, The New Order, Agent Orange and plenty more. The hardest I ever had a chance to record was Slowly we rot, I think.
    No cycling references, sorry. I hate the stuff.

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  16. Crabmeat, would love to see some spy shots of metal fans. come on, take some and send them in! I'll certainly try while i'm there.

    Kojot, I was in Poland in the 90s and bought a DRI tape, total bootleg as everything there was...but the spine said DRJ...I guess the I and J are interchangable in polish?

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  17. There's only one thing I crave for more than that Benediction tape: the definitive downfall (with a huge amount of broken bones) of Lance "Drughéé" Armstrong.

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  18. Frank, he fell once already this year, broken collarbone. oh wait, you mean a "fall" in the bigger sense of the word. gotcha.

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  19. I got my Dirty Rotten Jerks polo shirt in today!

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  20. I got the joke about Mayhem, but not about Thor.

    Did anyone else notice that in the picture of the Metal Chore guy and the guy on the left in the picture above it, they both have the same patch in the same place? Is this some Spanish metal cult?

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  21. alex, it's probably the same guy...although the facial hair makes him look a tiny bit different.

    the thor/mayhem thing...i was referring to the fact that few people in the world would know both that cyclist and the band...and would also know the cover of the record etc. as i was hard at work working my photoshop magic, i bagan to wonder...why am i doing this? then again, i often wonder just that when i do lots of things for this blog. amazingly, a few people know about both thor and mayhem. as a result, i feel less alone in the world now.

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  22. Yeah, now I look again it looks like the same fella alright.

    I have that Mayhem record, so I know it very well. I also remember when it came out a whole load of them were siezed by HM Customs because of that cover. I'm guessing a load of Thor's albums would also be siezed, but not because of the blood, but those green bib shirts...

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  23. Agreed. Many would agree with you, super tight shorts are certainly up there with brain goo and the "I Love Transylvania" shirt. By the way, the one thing I always found odd about that picture was the knife. Clearly Aarseth (he's the one that found the body right? Did he have a black metal name?) set some things up for the picture...but that knife, in my opinion, really throws off the whole composition. does it add anything to it? Does it make it more brutal? uh...no...the guy just shot himself in the head...i dont' know that a little kitchen knife will add anything to it.

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  24. Years ago I worked for a company that makes cycling shoes and apparel.

    One of the best selling product was this one:
    http://www.northwave.com/ita/apparel.php?area=apparel_spring_summer_man&catid=18

    So it seems that cycling is definitely metal.

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  25. I've always wanted a 'I Love Transylvania' shirt. I keep meaning to get one made up at a t-shirt printers.

    Euronymous (Aarseth's BM moniker) didn't put the knife in the picture. Apparently Dead had been slicing himself up with it before he did the deed with the shotgun. Dead was well known for self harm, most (in)famously during their Seminal Leipzig gig. Apparently he nearly lost consciousness due to blood loss. Ahhh, the good old days, before Myspace ruined it all.

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  26. Lucho, Mssr. Merckx signed some pamphlet that had a designated autograph box. He was in Denver promoting his bicycle company which he had only just started at the time. I think it was concurrent with the Coors Classic, which was the final race most amateur American racers were in prior to the Olympics that year (1984).

    Man, I sometimes scare myself with my recall. I'm pretty sure I still have that pamphlet.

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  27. i actually have a copy of an angeles del infienos cd, '666'. it was given to me by a mexican dude. the dude wasnt super into metal that i know of, but he had a sweet mullet and crazy scars all over his torso he said were knife wounds and from fighting cops. metal.

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  28. *GuyS! List n I don have lot of time...

    dot use nocturn s tim machine to kill Lars...

    ... in my timeline Cliff... alive... worse... working at gas station... Hammett uncloseted... in Thailand with Marty Friedman...

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  29. matt, you better have that autograph still. come on, you can find it!

    Angeles Del Infierno were one of the few bands' whose records were readily available in South America back in the day. The names of the songs were promising, but most songs sucked balls. they were like a sad Judas Priest with way, way too many ballads.

    I always forget BM dudes real names, or the other way around. The one I can pretty consistently remember is Vaarg Vikernes/Count Chocula.

    When I was in Leipzig years ago, I remember looking out at the city and thinking to myself "wow this town is filled with a million people who all swear they were at that show"

    I would love to make the transylvania shirts, and sell them with some rounds of novelty ammunition. sort of along the same lines, my friend in Austria who is a body builder made a "Arnold es numero uno" shirt for himself because of the one worn by Arnold in the Pumping Iron documentary.

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  30. the real question is: what gets wiped out by the nocturnus time machine, green bib shorts or fuschia dick-tight jeans??

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  31. Don't get too excited, Lucho. Any old moron could have made the scribble Eddy did. But I know I have it somewhere, cuz chicken scratch or not, it is an autograph from one of the greats.

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  32. When I was in Leipzig years ago, I remember looking out at the city and thinking to myself "wow this town is filled with a million people who all swear they were at that show"

    A++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Also; same goes to Savage.

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  33. If you're going to be there, will you throw things at Lance Armstrong? He's a really annoying human being and I'm sick of hearing about him every other moment (seeing as how I live in Austin, where Lance is practically a daily news item unto himself), and I'd really like to see him fall off his bike and break something (again). I'd suggest you throw pieces of Dead's shattered skull at him, but I'm afraid I can't help you with finding said pieces to throw....

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  34. Angeles del infierno are the shit! Dale saludos de mi parte si los ves.

    loquemedicenlasvoces.blogspot.com

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  35. Il Merlo, you worked for Northwave? Damnit, why can't you work there now? I'd gladly take a pair of shoes off your hands. damnit, i want free stuff as a result of writing this damn blog.

    savage, the question you bring up is a tough one. honestly, i have to say that the jeans have to go. i'm sorry, they just do.

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  36. Come over to Belgium for the spring classics then. I live pretty close to where it all happens. I'll drive you around. We could play the mixtape game in my car or try to run over those bloody pedantic amateur cyclist and make Mayhemic pictures ourselves. Which would be more metal?

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  37. Lucho, to be precise I worked for a advertising agency and, for some unknown reason, our client roster was filled with cycling related companies, but it was 3 years ago.
    So your only chance to get free cycling stuff is Nocturnus time machine.

    And, by the way, after studying the behaviour of cyling enthusiasts for my work, I came to the conclusion that they are a bunch of obsessed fanatics, far more dangerous than norvegian black kvltists.

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  38. I'm so god damn jealous. Seeing the Grand Tour would rule. Will there be an official Metal Inquisition mobile headquarters, by that mean the standard shitty camper by the side of the road during the race?

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  39. Next time go see some cycling over here in belgium. We'll drink some beers together.

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  40. Tour de Farce eh?! I've seen it once while living in Bor(ing)deaux... You'll have fun there, and no doubt appreciate the fact that no one cards anyone and you can drink in the streets...

    Long live Europe and the Basque people!!!

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  41. there will absolutely be a metal inquisition camper! we will have live updates from the mi mobile headquarters. well, not really because no one would read them. but it would certainly be possible!!!! you can spot our campuer on TV due to its zebra stripes, and the large puddles of oil it will leave through the the roads.

    as far as cyclists being more obsessive that kvlt black metallers...oh yes, its certainly true. very true.

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  42. Some of these are very interesting .

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