Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Hate mail from Piledriver and Waking The Cadaver; 16 approves

Seriously the most ridic cover in the history of recorded music!

Piledriver gets butthurt

In the event that you are a poser, you should know that we took the name of our blog from an album by the band Piledriver. I never listened to them (because they are not very good), but my friends and I used to laugh at the absurd cover of their record quite a bit in high school.



Here is an email we got from some guy that apparently is/was in the band. There's nothing more rewarding to us here at MI than when someone in one of the bands we make fun of gets all butthurt, so you can understand how excited we were about this insane ramblings of this never-was idiot:
Since you've stolen your name AND slogan from Piledriver, how about reviewing the new album, METAL MANIFESTO? It really is the absolute least you could do.

http://www.sofa-q.com/

You may not care where you've stolen your name from, but at least check it out. The band is fucken crazy to look at, but the tunes are better than most of the shit produced these days. Thrash metal at its finest.

Of course you could grow a set of balls and man up to your theft, and perhaps get a shred of originality and come up with your own name and slogan, but it is hard to do.
His reply after I told him I didn't listen to his terrible band:
After all I've given you (YOUR FUCKING NAME!!!!) I don't even rate a single fucking mention on your site????
Unsuck my COCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All my retarded baby-batter in yer fucking faces,
Ol'Piley... The Exalted One!!!!
Sensing the hilarious potential, I proposed that we do an interview:
an interview? you'll have to come up with a few hundred posted words of respect and adulation let alone on how I've provided you the hook to hang your shite (oops) site on... then we'll see about bestowing upon you any further of my time...
Gord FUCKING Kirchin
My response:
up to you bro! honestly i never owned any piledriver records so i don't know if i can help you out with the adulation. i chose the name for the blog because when i was in high school i thought the cover was funny, i've only heard the title track a couple of times.
I hope he cries himself to sleep knowing that a jokey blog making fun of his band is the #1 Google result for "Metal Inquisition," not their record.

When asked about his azn boi toy, the singer for WTC said, "Yo I'm not gay, he blew me!"

WTC threatens Sergeant D with a Jersey-style beatdown
Piledriver aren't the only sensitive pussies that read Metal Inquisition. New Jersey's most notorious slam wiggers Waking The Cadaver are apparently in the club as well. After I heard that they got pissy that I called them wiggers in Decibel, I sent them a MySpace message to tell them it was all in good fun and not too take things too seriously. I told them I also used to dress like a wigger back in my mosher days and suggested we do an interview.

He wasn't having it, though, and did his best to threaten me. At least, I think that's what he was trying to say. The grammar and spelling are so atrocious that it's sometimes hard to make out. I don't judge him, though, I know they put lead in the water down there on the Jersey shore.

Subject:

RE: metal inquisition

Body:

listen geek,

your the one taking things so seriously, with your website dedicated to bitching and moaning about bands...your obviously a homosexual because your so concerned with how GUYS dress....and I seriously doubt you'll come to a show, as a matter of fact, I seriously doubt you go to any shows because your the type to sit behind a computer whining and complaining about how bands aren't good enough for your level of "metal".....im sure your just a aging loser with nothing better to do in your life than be concerned with the way guys dress. you even proved it by writing a message saying "i used to wear XXX nautica t-shirts."....let me tell you internet fagit, we don't even listen to rap, and we don't wear nautica shirts so we have NOTHING in common. all your proving is that your a TREND SURFER.

We were never aware of your blog until your grapevine buddy at decibel mag told us about your blog. you are a pure INTERNET FAGGIT...and quite simply, without knowing what you look like, we can sense your physical inferiority, and don't try to respond with some "i watch ufc george pierre" bullshit...cuz that shit is just amateur. your old, probably have years of drug abuse under your belt, and would get assaulted easily.

don't bother responding...we don't talk to gays
Well there you have it. I didn't respond since, well, they don't talk to gays.

From the same geniuses who brought you the "grunge" pedal

Ask Bobby from 16 about what happens to a fool and his money...

Unlike the thin-skinned tards in WTC and Piledriver who need to brush the sand out of their vaginas, 16 are sophisticated gentlemen who enjoy perusing Metal Inquisition when they're not making the rounds in Los Angeles' poshest clubs. Bobby from 16 writes:
Hi long time reader first time emailer.

Thanks for the interview. By far the best one of our new record. I found this pedal on craigslist and bought it out of sheer financial irresponsibility for 40.00. I think it qualifies as a questionable metal purchase. BTW this pedal sounds like utter crap. The "pain" is just mid. The "scream" is just horrible distortion and the "guts" is just bass. You will not hear it on a new 16 album.

Bobby/16
Dear Bobby,

I know that 16 is kind of all about regretting poor life choices, but life is hard enough on its own for fuckups like us. You don't need to go out of your way to make things difficult by doing foolish things like buying the Death Metal Pedal on eBay. I am not sure what kind of menial, soul-crushing job you have or what kind of a pittance they pay you, but I am guessing that $40 is a lot of money to you, so in the future please check with us before making rash decisions like this!

Contact us
Send your butthurt complaints, compliments, pictures of distortion pedals, and Pyrexia trivia to inquisitionofmetal@gmail.com!

71 comments:

Anonymous said...

Carry on like a clown

Carry on like a worm

Now I'll break it down

Metal Inquisition to burn!

ballener0 said...

Love your style, Sarg: "I will fix everything offering an interview".

Especially dig the reactions to your offer, as they seem to exacerbate moron's will to assrape you. Great work, as usual.

Fuck, I don't know how I am supossed to dissimulate laughter here at my office, soon I'll start to look weird and finally I'm going to get fired...expect some nice hatemail from a Spanish laughing moron.

CW said...

nicely done ghandi would be proud, passive aggresion is like kryptonite to these people especially jersey wiggers.

On a side wanking the cadaver replied to you once thus invalidating their non gay communication policy.

Demogorgo said...

did waking the cadaver write that song "click click boom" or was it "boom here comes the boom"

AVERSIONLINE said...

CLASSIC. It's so bizarre to me that people behave this way, but... it's great comedy for the rest of us.

jared said...

for reference:

gord kirchner is THE piledriver. like, the guy.

Sergeant D said...

well i like i said, i don't think any of us actually listened to Piledriver so we don't know.

ps robert deathrage IS the meatshits!

zachary said...

Bobby, you need to get your hands on the Boss hm-2 heavy metal distortion pedal.

Sarge, when are you going to interview Robert Deathrage?

zachary said...

Before I forget, Gordie doesn't even have the Piledriver stuff copyrighted in his name. He had to add "The Exalted" to "Piledriver" to avoid a lawsuit.

I don't know who has Piledriver and their works copyrighted and I have no idea why anyone would want to. It's sure as hell not for financial purposes.

23 Wolves said...

I don't know, WTC's comments have "a grain of truth."

Smug said...

I like when he said "Unsuck My Cock," he was referencing one of the song titles from his recent album:
http://www.metal-archives.com/release.php?id=212136

I love this blog, never change Sarge!

Sergeant D said...

is that like "unbreak my heart"?

Guav said...

Well, the dude from Piledriver finally got the mention on your site he's been aching for—I hope he's happy now!

(when one considers that "piles" is another term for hemorrhoids, the name Piledriver just takes on a whole new, somewhat icky, aspect.)

As far as WTC goes, I am going to start using one of his lines, it's fucking amazing. Next time I am in a confrontation, instead of telling my adversary that I'm going to kick his ass, I'm going to say "you will get assaulted easily."

So hard.

Anonymous said...

Ya know I would have never heard of 1/2 of these shitty bands if it wasn't for this blog. Albeit the time spent listening to their music falls under the 1 minute mark, but hey it is publicity none the less. And I think the WTC guy needs to make an apology to all of their homosexual fans.

Anonymous said...

The DOD Death Metal pedal is fantastic, as long as you're not using it to make music. Why DOD in the mid-90's decided to make a series of pedals useful for harsh noise only, I have no idea, but I'm forever grateful. See also: Buzz Box, Meat Box, Grunge, Bass Grunge...

TheReverendDoom said...

That is the best entry lately... Don't these idiots Waking the Cadaver and Piledriver know that arguing on the interweb is like winning the 100m in the Special Olympics? Even if you win you're still retarded.

Sergeant D said...

guav, don't forget to tell them "your old"!

alex_sotheran said...

Those lads from WTC look like the chav scum that hang around the bus station back in my home town of Rotherham.

Actually I hope they don't read that as they may be able to sense my physical inferiority. Right then, I'm off to watch some ufc george pierre.

Sergeant D said...

alex, from what i understand new jersey is the north england of the US. so that makes sense! WTC are def chav scum.

Lucho Metales said...

can you imagine someone taking the name from your band to create a blog, and then finding out that they did it to make fun of you...and barely know who you are? oh its grand. i should know, because as a joke, a fairly popular girl in high school dressed up as me for halloween. may sound funny now, but it seriously bugged me back then, as it was clearly done to make fun of me and how i dressed. i didn't even know her. ugh.

man, when will people who drop homophobic comments learn to spell the words the hold so dear. sheesh

Robert H said...

http://www.northernstormrecords.com/piledriver/store/

Check out the band photo. Good god.

alex_sotheran said...

@ Robert, they look like the best damn band on the planet.

@ the Sarge, yeah it seems like it. But if they were in Rotherham they'd all be in Burberry caps. The moustaches would still be the same though...

@ Lucho, I love that shit. It's like when dumb ass Nazis draw swastikas backwards not realising it's a symbol of peace...

Frank said...

Piledriver is the favorite band of Lars Goran Petrov from Entombed. They did a song called "Sodomize the dead".
I think I've done my homework today.

darley said...

Being ordered to unsuck a cock and then ready your self for a vengeful face full by a man with a haemorrhoid moniker is a sound achievement. He’s clearly a graduate from the Max Hardcore School of speech and drama. As for the mouthpiece of WTC he looks like the bastard son of Danny Wood from New Kids on the Block so if you’re hard enough you might like to mention that. Alex is right they do look like chav scum posing for a facebook pic outside of Wetherspoons.

steve57 said...

Oh my god Lucho - "a fairly popular girl in high school dressed up as me for halloween" has to be the most tragic thing I have ever heard...

And surely an invitation/justification to turn up to school with automatic weaponry and home made explosives?

Shelby Cobras said...

I don't care what all you POSERS say, but I honest-to-god use a DOD Grunge pedal, EXCLUSIVELY, and it rules. Really. My bandmates might make fun of me, but you know what? You can't beat the Grunge Pedal CRUNCH! Fuck them all.

PS don't bother responding to this comment, as I choose not to interact with gays.

Anonymous said...

Dude I might be gay... but I watch UFC. So doesn't that like counteract the fact that I am gay or something?

savage said...

ok, first of all the DOD grunge pedal isnt that bad.

also, it really bugs me that you guys dont know the Piledriver album. it really is a metal masterpiece. "sex with satan" and "sodomize the dead" are hilarious and seriously, "metal inquisition" is perhaps the funniest most ridiculous song ever written. you really need to download this thing and familiarize yourselves with it because it is so FUCKING FUNNY (even though they didnt mean it to be).

finally, i love it when "tough guys" like WTC get mad and make statements that show how fucking ignorant they really are. the fact that they cant even use proper grammar makes it even sweeter.

savage said...

*sigh*
im sorry, i always forget something.

how does one "unsuck a cock" anyway?

Robert H said...

@darley

My day isn't complete without a Max Hardcore reference. Thanks for that.

darley said...

@Robert
I am as intrigued at how ol Max the misogynist is fairing having met his ‘fan’s’ in prison as I was when Peter Steele got locked up and word spread that there was a Playgirl centrefold on G Block. As for how anyone could 'un suck a cock' I have no idea, maybe someone should mail and him and ask.

alex_sotheran said...

Never mind the unsucked cock, I Like how he calls his own baby batter 'retarded'. Who is he trying to insult?

@Darley, I think there may be only you and I on this who know what a Wetherspoons is...

darley said...

@Alex
I don’t know what the non UK equivalent of Wetherspoon’s might be but if I say that it’s the big, shit bar in the centre of town full of wankers drinking wife-to-be beater beer that you cross the street to avoid then that should about cover it? Are you still wearing your Misfit’s shirt or have you ritually burned it yet?

alex_sotheran said...

@Darley. I think that about covers it, but don't forget they serve cheap Mexican Lager (senorita beater) as well as microwaved curries.

I'm still wearing the Misfits shirt, as Goth chavy as that makes me. Maybe I should take some pictures of myself in it in front of Wetherspoons...

darley said...

@ Alex
“senorita beater” ha ha, I probably shouldn’t find that funny but I do. Chav’s and Chavette’s whacked on Sol, blood, teeth and ripped out hair extensions on the pavement of a British Sunday morning. If you take a picture make sure you throw the horns and have a random group of tattooed people standing behind you

Anonymous said...

Oh those Piledriver guys.....I think the "Metal Inquisition" LP has been out of print for years and years thus making the copyright invaild.I always play that LP when I DJ,now I may not due to thier Douchey letter.No comment on Wigger the Cadaver. Heres my little blog http://convulsingdischargeofinanity.blogspot.com/ Mike

howardx said...

speaking of piledriver

"PILEDRIVER Mainman EXALTED PILEDRIVER Pulls Plug On All Band Activities

Lead vokillist Gord The Exalted Piledriver Kirchin has abruptly announced that the he has put all activities of the EXALTED PILEDRIVER band on hiatus while he deals with "numerous insurmountable obstacles and negativities that prevent me from moving forward at this time", adding "it's only wise that I pull the plug until this metal machine works properly again and no-one else gets hurt".

"In reference to reported problems of hundreds of fans that have filed complaints with PayPal and various Postal and Business organizations due to non-delivery of their pre-paid Northern Storm Records copies of the recently not-so-well released but very well reviewed Metal Manifesto album"

http://www.bravewords.com/news/113535

Mister Booze said...

Hilarious response. The only thing left to say to WTC is "play him off, keyboard cat":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqAypbgaUKM

Yes, I put this on metalsucks too.

savage said...

its hilarious how he starts of saying "review our album" but them he gets pissed and wont do an interview. still, that album is phenominally funny!

Price said...

Fuck those assholes. I actually might have given them a chance (I hadn't heard them before) but after this, I hope they rot in Hell along with other "stupid" bands like Emmure. Morons.

Seth said...

YOU GUYS BROKE PILEDRIVER!!!!

http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/blabbermouth.net/news.aspx?mode=Article&newsitemID=120052

This is the greatest MI moment since the time I was reading Terrorizer on the can and saw you guys quoted in their article on Japanese Grindcore.

Anonymous said...

Even Gwar fans laughed at Piledriver. I assumed they had to be Canadians, if not, there's no excuse. The guitar sound on that MI album is so thin it's anorexic. Makes my fillings hurt just thinking about it.

Bogan said...

That's 'cause they needed they needed the FX86B Death Metal Distortion pedal from D.O.D.!!! Pain! Guts! Screeeeam! Only $40.00US.

CW said...

That piledriver news has to be a piss take! "UnSuck The Continent Tour Of Europe" seems like someones been taking elocution lessons from waking the cadaver.

shawn said...

lol @ posing in front of witherspoons comment.

new WTC sucks cause its not ignorant slam anymore.

Sergeant D said...

Right then, I'm off to watch some ufc george pierre
this is fucking brilliant

hughplatt said...

You know what really must rile the guy from Piledriver? The first time he gets a mention on Metal Inquisition, it's totally overshadowed by a bunch of homophobic wigger slammers. Ha!

CthulhuPal said...

Speaking of guitar pedals, I work at American Honda, and on our online marketplace, some guy is selling a Boss HM-2 Heavy Metal Guitar Effects for 20 bucks. I thought maybe the guy from 16 might be interested, or maybe even the guy from piledriver. I can trade him for one of his non-existent albums he is hocking.

Also Sarge, I'm going to be copping the new UFC PS3 game and once I boot it up I'll be giggling like a wee little schoolgirl thinking about that angry message from WTC

Sergeant D said...

i heard they have hollywood undead in the ufc game?? that should be enough fuel for wiggerish arm movements to make up for the lack of WTC

Shelby Cobras said...

I believe that the proper way to "unsuck a cock" is to simply NOT SUCK said cock. It seems fairly self explanatory.

alex_sotheran said...

No, Shelby, to unsuck his cock means you (a generic 'you', this is not aimed at you specifically) have to have sucked it in the first place. The phrase implies undoing an action that has already taken place. A blow-job in reverse, if you will. How one would go about undoing such an action is beyond me.

savage said...

@Alex

HAHAHAHHAHA!!!
dude you should be some kind of porno scholar at a university!


off topic...Sarge, i just sent you an email about Danzig's twitter account!

Guav said...

Oh, it's quite simple. After he ejaculates in your mouth, you take a straw, jam it in the end of his cock, and blow it back in.

Do I have to teach you guys everything?

alex_sotheran said...

@Savage, no Guav should be some kind of porno scholar at a university! That is brilliant. The man is a genius!

darley said...

Indeed Danzig is on Twitter; all the inane chatter you could want without ever having to get drunk and meet him in a bar, lean down and listen to him. Genius. He is as real as a shot gun blast apparently. http://twitter.com/DANZlG

Chris said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shelby Cobras said...

Guav-

Touche. I stand corrected.

Chris said...

I bet the WTC dude writes their lyrics on a mobile phone.

Chris said...

"We are Borg.

we can sense your physical inferiorityResistance is futile."

You're fucked, Sarge. Prepare to be assimilated.

Antipop said...

no your all wrong. by saying unsuck my cock he means he wants you to improve his tiny, unsignificant weenie. hey! could you help me with my johnson please?

Antipop said...

i meant insignificant. sorry for my wankingthecadaverish slang

tommetal said...

this is hilarious! waking the cadaver makes a valid point. I read their statement in the new Decibel mag and that is their “official” statement, which shuts down the so called “internet faggits” even more. I find it very true, and this message they have sent to metal inquisition, who cares about the grammar! they were obviously not concerned about the grammar in a personal message. we get the point! its so true! So many metal “geeks” live behind the computer and complain

tommetal said...

haha! still can't stop laughing about Srg. D being called an "internet faggit", and a person who will get "easily assaulted."

Have we ever seen a picture of Srg. D? I bet Waking the Cadaver is right on the money, a geeky computer metal dude with a star-wars collection in his mom's basement that he lives in.

Matthew said...

You guys really should interview him. Saw them live about two years ago when they were touring Europe (where bands like Manilla Road, Lethal, Helstar and the like go to die) and he was pretty insane. May be a good research opportunity into "Ways and means of conquering German and Italian minds." If you're academically-inclined, that is..

Patrick, Vancouver BC Canada said...

As a proud Canadian (as is PileDriver) and a prouder Metalhead I take serious offence to your lack of Metal education...never heard PileDriver??!?!? PileDriver's "Metal Inquisition" and the subsequent "Stay Ugly" are NECESSARY LISTENING for anyone claiming to love Metal!!! These 2 albums are just as important as Exciter's "Violence & Force", Razor's "Evil Invaders", Infernal Majesty's "None Shall Defy", Sacrifice's "Forward to Termination", Voivod's "War and Pain" or Slaughter's "Strappado" in the development of Metal in a Worldwide aspect! Btw, did you notice ALL of the Classic Metal Albums listed above are CANADIAN?!! The world can be impressed by these True Metal Classics without even having to mention Slayer's "Reign in Blood" or Metallica's "Master of Puppets"... open your ears and explore a new world of classic old metal! - Katon says, "Thrash til Death!"

Guav said...

End the Canadian supremacy fantasy, dude.

Matthew said...

Patrick from Vancouver has now provided adequate motive behind a certain song on the South Park film..

Mão do Macaco said...

At this like these I wish I was a "faggit" so I could beat the shit out of these internet "nachos".

Anonymous said...

someone should try to find the ads for the death metal and grunge pedals.... I think the grunge pedal was used by napalm death and I think they might have been in the ad.

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