Thursday, May 21, 2009

A Thursday post about a case of the Mondays


I'm an idiot. I meant to post this on Friday, but mistakenly put it up today. Oh well. It's a holiday weekend here in the US of A...so consider this your weekend fill.


Like most of you, I have my bad days. I know what you're probably thinking, that due to the popularity of this blog, my life is filled with endless parties and prestigious events to which I am driven to in my 62S Maybach. Well, that's all certainly true...but with that in mind, I must also tell you that I sometimes have a case of what overweight American women call "the mondays". Just this past Monday, I actually had a case of "the Mondays", one I simply could not shake. I tried the usual remedies for this condition, anything that would cheer me up. I listened to Obituary, but it didn't work. It merely reminded me of when I was younger, happier and got to hang out with Obituary in order for Donald Tardy to sign a drumstick for me. I tried listening to Dream Theatre, which usually makes me laugh for hours upon hours, especially that one song that has the salloon-music like piano part. But then I remembered that poor Mike Portnoy can only afford to live in a town called Coopersburg Pennsyvlania. Can you imagine playing that awful garbage to dozens of acne-scarred fans every night...and only being able to afford a pseudo-Mc mansion in Coopersburgh PA? Nothing was working, I was still bummed and feeling blue. It was time to take drastic action, so I brought out the big guns...the only thing that will always cheer me up and make me laugh. Am I talking about Megadeth's cover of Anarchy In the UK? No. Am I talking about the Megadeth tribute album entirely made up of French bands that I own. No. Am I talking about the entire Hanger 18 video? Nope. I'm talking about the Manowar commercial for German TV.





Even after watching it, I was still not feeling cheered up. As such, I instructed my driver Helmut to drive me around town in my Maybach so that I could find someone to laugh at. I thought surely there would be a pack of Juggalos somewhere out there, waiting to make my day brighter. Sometimes, god smiles down upon you...and last Monday was such a day. At one random intersection I saw the most amazing metal specimen known to man...a very rare one. Much like seeing the rare Pinta Islan Tortoise in the wild, catching a full blown, early 20s black metal douche bag (complete with full leather pants in a day when it was nearly 90 degrees) is a rare sight. At least around here. I mean, you know they're out there...and you can find them at shows and stuff...but to see one crossing the street is amazing.


I know this photographic evidence is poor at best, but you'll have to forgive my driver Helmut, as this was the best shot he was able to get for me.


The beast was majestic, complete with black plumage, combat boots, oversized backpack, portable CD player (did you just read that? Portable CD player...its 2009!), sunglasses and a Bathory shirt. Was it the mere sight of such a specimen that cheered me up. Not really. You see, in the picture above you can see a middle aged black woman, walking away from the young metal fan. This is where it gets good. Although I found myself a few feet away from the action, I could hear the exchange between these two pretty well. Originally the woman was standing next to Mr Bathory shirt, waiting to cross the street. The whole time they were standing next to each other, Mr Leather Pants was totally hitting on this chubby 40 something lady. He was dead serious, and was definitely using his A game to lure her back into his black metal lair. "Where are you going to now?" He asked her suggestively, as he looked her up and down, almost licking his lips. I felt bad for the guy, I was seeing him at his most vulnerable, and the woman was not even acknowledging his existence. I'm sure it probably reminded him of that other awkward conversation he once had with a woman. His mother. It went a little something like this:







So there he was, trying to hit on a much older woman...and being insanely persistent at it. "Where do you work? Come on, you can tell me." She was having none of it, and wouldn't even look his way. I couldn't hear everything he said to her, but his ongoing questions were met with complete disregard from the lady, a reply that most male metalheads know well. "You don't even want to look at me?" he asked. The woman suddenly turned around, looked at him, pausing on his leather pants. Once she looked at him, she walked away from him, angrily putting her bag over her shoulder and murmuring to herself. It was this moment that I caught, I mean...my driver Helmut, caught on camera. Feeling dissed by the lady, Mr Black Metal kinda' bobbed his head to the rhythm of the grim tunes on his sweet portable CD player, and fixed his hair and headphones as to say "ain't no thang". Upon seeing a black metal fan trying to pick up a middle aged lady on the street, and failing...I found myself suddenly cheered up. Everything was right with the world, I was officially in a good mood once again.

25 comments:

  1. Holiday weekend, you cheater?

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  2. Keyboard cat has run it's course.

    What a pathetic sack of shit that guy is; he should just off himself as soon as possible. "Metal-heads" piss me off as much as douche-bags do. I wear douche-bag sunglasses (see aviators) and listen to metal, but I don't want to be associated with either.

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  3. Fuck that. How about some hints on getting a brother laid? I'd fuck more middle aged black women than diabetes given the chance. But no, Lucho wouldn't give the guy the time of day. Dick move.

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  4. My heart swells with joy knowing that some dude is still blasting his original copy of "Under the Sign of the Black Mark" on a discman. I look over at my 160gb iPod full of old and new tunes, good and bad memories, amazing and horrible music, and scoff at it in disgust. The simplicity of a discman is nearly uncontested.

    Now I miss flipping cassettes while walking home from school. Damnit.

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  5. you know, i had never heard of keyboard cat. apparently it's a big internet thing. i'm so behind on trends. sheesh. next think you now people will be watching an animated dancing baby all over the internet.

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  6. Matt from JerseyMay 21, 2009 at 11:51 AM

    In my day, you had to make mix tapes from your tapes and cds, and it had to be done in real time, not this click and done genius playlist hubbabaloo that I don't quite understand...

    Don't hate the player... hate the game.

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  7. Don't feel bad, Lucho. The first time I saw keyboard cat was last weekend on "The Soup". I thought it was a brand new phenomenon as well.

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  8. I found and sent this: http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3217/2762458387_48576d339c_o.jpg to a friend the other day. I got the reply 'That is sooooooooooo 2007'. I just can't keep up anymore with the tinterwebs.

    I agree with anonymous, we need more tips on getting laid from the MI staff. Just how does a balding middle aged BM fan get inside some 19yr old Scene girl's pants?

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  9. That dude is just like my roommate. Well, except that my roommate is pushing 40. This guy's like his long-lost little brother or something.

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  10. so, is the keyboard cat famous alltogether, or that clip in particular? i'm so confused, and thus feel old.

    the best way to pick up metal ladiez back in the day was to tell them you were way into Mythic.

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  11. I'd fuck more middle aged black women than diabetes given the chance
    A+++++++++++++++++++ ZOMG


    Just how does a balding middle aged BM fan get inside some 19yr old Scene girl's pants?this just happens to be my specialty! please see my post on screamo crunk for details (just search for "screamo crunk" on the upper left). basically, just listen to brokencyde, hollywood undead, and shop at forever 21. shave your head and the balding thing won't matter!

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  12. christ, i knew sarge was going to start flapping his gums about brokencyde.

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  13. dude the girls seriously love brokencyde... if you don't, that's fine, i'm just saying!!

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  14. So.... You pretend you like Brokencyde? I see the genius in your plan...

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  15. no i actually DO like them. obv i recognize how absurd they are (like SOD, slayer, pantera, etc), but i seriously like their music.

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  16. Yup, "integral metalheads" are almost as pathetic and ignorant as the fans of Vasco Rossi. I'd like to see a Manowar + Vasco Rossi package.

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  17. I think I might be your only hot college co-ed reader. Like. Traditionally smokin' hot. Not ugly tattoos over fat triceps and retarded hair pretend hot.

    The only song I know at the bro bars is the Helen Keller song from your screamo crunk post. And I hate myself for it. I hate myself every ladies night. Dear Sarge, if my self esteem gets low enough, will you date me!!

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  18. yeah 3OH!3 is huge with bro dawgs! i'll date anybody with low self esteem!

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  19. I come to this blog to laugh. I was in a dark mood and you pulled me out of it. Thanks to you and the Keyboard Cat!!

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  20. nobody is going to mention the banana hammock hes wearing? seriously?

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  21. what are people trying to prove when they point out they saw something before like the keyboard cat? it's fine if you just acknowledge the fact, but when you get all offended and feel the need to belittle someone pointing something out, it's just the douchiest dickless & spineless desperate attempt to sound hip. There are more important matters to attend to besides viral videos, get a grip and accept the fact that for level headed people it's ok to be trendtarded. STOP BEING A FASHION-FOWARD DOUCHELORD. Thank You!

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  22. I'm more positive with stuff like that. Like instead of being the "oh pshaw, that is from history" guy, I'm more likely to be all "oh man, I saw that! And now you've seen it too! AWESOME."

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  23. I just noticed: 'A Thursday post about a case of the Mondays'

    Shouldn't that be: 'A Thursday PIECE about a case of the Mondays'?

    And I'm so trendtarded I still get the tinerweb in Black and White.

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  24. alex. so busted me. it's a "piece", not a post. i suck big time. promise to make it up.

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  25. So much thanks for this post sharing here .

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