Monday, June 30, 2008

Metal Inquisition Investigative Report: Metal Real Estate (Part 2)

This is part two of the investigative report by Metal Inquisition about real estate in the world of metal. Part one can be found here. With all the talk of sub-prime loans on the news, we felt it was only right to investigate how real estate affects the world of metal. In our last report we looked at the homes of such luminaries as Dave Mustaine, Glenn Danzig and Jason Newsted. Today we round up a whole new group. Sadly, I was unable to get any pictures of the depressing apartments that members of Carnivore live in these days. I was also unable to find any pictures of Mortiis' castle. Still, these are pretty good. Enjoy.



Vinnie Paul

Honestly, I thought Vinnie Paul would have a nicer home. This thing looks like a collection of barns and shipping containers that were thrown into a garbage heap. Then again, what else would you expect from a fat white dude from Texas? This is in Arlington Texas (part of Dallas), where I thought you'd be able to buy something a little nicer with the insurance money you made after having your brother shot. Oh, damn. That's a joke. Too soon still? Come on. Seriously, I thought having a Pearl signature snare drum (finished in sweet snake skin) would at least buy you something that looked halfway like a house, not this pile of white trash rubble.







Geezer Butler

Okay, so this house is in Beverly Hills...but when you compare it to Ozzy's house it makes you want to cry. Poor Geezer, not only is his name "Geezer", but this is all he can afford. The poor guy toured for years with Ronnie James Dio just to save up for a down payment, and this is all he got. He probably tells people that he owns it, but doesn't live in it. "Oh, it's just an investment property." Right, sure. See that small white building in the back behind the pool? That's where he keeps a punching bag that has Ozzy's face on it. He punches it for four hours every afternoon, and then collapses in tears. He ends up in the fetal position, which is how he falls asleep every night. He then wakes up in the morning, and the same thing happens all over again.




Ronnie James Dio

Speaking of Dio, this is his modest home in Studio City, California. Yup, this is where the inventor of "throwing the horns" lives. Again, comparing this to Ozzy's house is enough to make anyone cry. For that matter, compare it to Gene Simmons' house (from the first part of this report), the other guy who also claims to have invented throwing the horns. See that white truck in front of his house? Well, Ronnie is Italian (real name Ronald Padavona), and like any real Italian he keeps a bread delivery route. Look, it's hard work, but I bet you anything that it pays way more than touring with Dio. Mortgage payments don't make themselves you know.






Mike Portnoy

You know how Dream Theater is kinda' prog, but not really? Similarly, this house is kinda' like a McMansion, but not really. It's not even big enough. Like Dream Theater's musical output, the house barely inspires a "meh" response from those that drive by. Also, it's worth mentioning that the house is in Coopersburg Pennsylvania, a suburb of Allentown. Living in a suburb of Allentown is like being a wart on a wart. Do you see the trampolin off to the left? That's where Mike Portnoy practices jumping up and down after he hears that people in countries outside the US actually care at all about Dream Theater, or his awful side projects.


More homes to come in part 3.

24 comments:

  1. Vinnie Paul's house looks a little weak until you realize its got strippers performing 24-7. Tommy Lee's Starbucks bar doesn't have shit on that.

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  2. girls in texas have a thing for guys that look like bags of mashed potatoes with striped facial hair.

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  3. I went into Guitar Center (I know I know) and I told the slack-jawed Tool fan behind the counter that I need a deep, 14" maple snare drum and he pulled out that Vinnie Paul abomination. I said "Do they make these for adults" he got kinda sad.

    Oh, and I why is Mike Portnoy's house nicer than Dio's? WTF?

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  4. guitar center and tool go hand and hand. that one tool song that starts out with a bass line is all i heard in that place for many years. it may still be going on.

    i think portnoy living outside of allentown may have something to do with how much house he can afford. still, it shows how upside down our universe is.

    i think if i saw any drummer, regardless of how great they were, playing a vinnie paul snare...i would laugh so hard i would die. even the jordy jordison and mike portnoy snares are ones i could deal with, but vinnie paul...no way.

    i do have to say though, if mike portnoy had gotten his way and Tama would have made him a signature snare with a pedal like a timpani...that would be the worst one ever. he seriously wanted that on a snare! no joke.

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  5. "location, location. location" tag = best ever.

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  6. So, Luchos, what you are saying is that all those drummer jokes are true?

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  7. many years ago i told MI staffer Gene Hoglan's Balls that i was a huge Pantera fan, and i think maybe he thought i was kidding. then he heard me play guitar, and he said "wow, you ARE a big pantera fan, aren't you??"

    vinnie paul is the fucking man and i love his drum sound.

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  8. Hahaha... oh man, this post rules! Vinnie Paul, Jesus Christ. Poor Dio and Geezer, those guys really got the shit end of the stick. And Mike Portnoy... where do you even begin? Fucking Allentown. Next time I'm out there visiting my girlfriend I'll be sure to swing by his place and jump on his trampoline. Sergeant D, I still can't believe you sold your guitar!

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  9. what drummer jokes? the one about mike portnoy wanting a timpani pedal on his snare? i don't know that there's a joke about that, but there should be.

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  10. No mention of Vinnie Paul's Crown-Royal-bottle-shaped pool?

    A celebration of his douchebaggery would be appropriate actually, and provide an excuse to post the YouTube video of him with 'Hellyeah' buying a whole store's worth of Jager and then demanding a black guy rap for him, before then rapping himself, about his love of titties. Dead brother or not, some things are indefensible
    Like giving Nickelback said dead bro's last recorded solo.

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  11. "wart on a wart"... that made me laugh so hard I cried!

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  12. the drummer in one of my bands plays with a joey jordison signature snare...it actually sounds great.

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  13. you idiots are some sad jealous haters, fucking pathetic

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