Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Sacred Cow Barbecue: Some crappy dinosaur metal and other junk

I stole the title of this post from some video game magazine I was reading at Barnes & Noble the other day, I don't remember which one. In any case, if there is anything more fun than making internet metal nerds angry by pointing out how awful their favorite bands are without the aid of nostalgia-tinged, rose colored glasses, I can't think of it.

They looked cooler when they still dressed like this

Morbid Angel
Pete Sandoval may have invented "dee blass beat," but the rest of the band arguably invented generic Florida death metal. To be fair, they do have a few good songs ("Chapel of Ghouls," "Rapture," "God of Emptiness"), but everything else is the most boring, awful shit I have ever heard. I mean this band makes Deaden, Jungle Rot and Waco Jesus seem like brilliant virtuosos! To make matters worse, there are many bands that play Morbid Angel better than Morbid Angel themselves, for example Angelcorpse.

PS I have a Morbid Angel tattoo, lolz @ me.

If you guessed that this was a shot of Carcass playing a squat in Northern England, you're wrong. It's a picture of the bassist for Big Drill Car. But you see, it just as easily could have been Carcass, and that's the problem.

Carcass
Like Terrorizer, this band is worshipped by nerds everywhere. Everyone likes to establish their metal cred with that old saw, "I only like their early stuff!" and say that "Swansong" sucks. However, it is expressly forbidden to point out that even their early albums are basically just limp hard rock, watered down with the melodic parts that would become the entire basis of their style. The truth is that people who like Carcass are pussies that want to pretend they're listening to brutal grindcore but in reality are jamming what amounts to soft rock with a pitch shifter. For example, listen to "Tools of the Trade," which many nerds think is the best Carcass album. It's so full of melody and slow parts that it might as well be fucking Big Drill Car or something (Big Drill Car were way better, though). No slam riffs, dreadlocks, and pink guitars? Sounds pretty false metal to me.

Typical Japanese grindcore fan

Japanese grindcore and hardcore
If you like this destestable genre, chances are good that you wear rapist glasses, still buy vinyl, and beat off to anime snuff porn. And post on the Relapse board. People who are into this stuff also seem to be into all kinds of other creepy/dorky shit like Italian horror movies, Japanese gore movies, pro wrestling, and noise. Oh, and having Asian girlfriends/wives (Japanese is ideal, but they'll settle for any Southeast Asian broad they can lure into their web of creepiness). In general, they just won't shut up about the weird shit they're into and have no ability to detect your complete lack of interest. These losers are truly the bottom of the barrel in the already pathetic world of metal fandom.

You can blame ATG for the existence of this thing

At The Gates

The 90s were full of awful metal bands that played "melodic death metal" like this terrible band, and this decade has been full of even more awful hardcore bands that rip those bands off by playing boring tremolo riffs and screaming in their girl jeans. Also lots of them are Christian, which makes the whole phenomenon that much worse. ATG and the rest of this wretched genre is a botched attempt at combining two things that just don't belong together: melody and death metal.

Even Mr. Cool Ice laughs at Assuck fans like this guy

Assuck
I am pretty sure I've discussed how lame this band is before, but I can really never get enough of it. Assuck was very popular in the 90s with poser hardcore kids that had never heard blast beats and death metal vocals before. Much like when you were in junior high and would sell your soul to have any female human being touch your penis, regardless of how hideously ugly she might be, Assuck fans become giddy at the sound of Rob Procter's weak, gay blast beats because they just don't know any better. You can only imagine how floored they would be by, say, Benediction! And don't even get me started on the rest of this awful genre like Destroy, Resist, His Hero Is Gone, or really third-rate, bottom of the barrel bands like Reversal of Man. Most of the assholes that listened to Assuck in the 90s went on to be in indie rock bands and get Morrissey tattoos.

55 comments:

  1. Can we go ahead and bitch about this doom trend? I'm sick of this crap

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  2. mmmmmh....to be honest, I LIKE ONLY CARCASS EARLY RELEASES.

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  3. I like later Carcass, I also like Big Drill Car. Both bands reformed this year.

    The guitarist of the pop punk band Down By Law is/was an Assuck fan and now plays in death metal band, Denial Fiend.

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  4. wasn't the guy from Down By Law also in Brujeria? also, the old drummer for Mindrot was in Save Ferris (i liked DBL, but never stopped so low as to get into Save Ferris).

    i will definitely bitch about the doom trend in a future post!

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  5. bravo. fantastic.

    japanese hardcore and its fans...ugh. its almost as bad as liking asian girls simply because they are asian.

    i remember people simply loving the fact that assuck had recorded at morrisound, as though that gave them metal cred and made them better. since when does recording at the worst studio ever make you better?

    sergent, you never got into save ferris? i'm seriously surprised. honestly...a mand with such diverse tastes (anything from brutality to cancer)

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  6. y'know, sarg, i disagree with some things on here, but "dee blass beat" makes me laugh for minutes every time.
    oh, your morbid angel tattoo! i always forget about that! lolz @ you!

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  7. I disagree with many of these sentiments, but they're all still brilliant. And the entire "Japanese grindcore and hardcore" section was absolute perfection.

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  8. I'd totally bang the fat chick in the Morrisey pic, but then again, I've been with the same woman for a decade, so I'd bang a hole in a honeydew that was microwaved for a couple minutes at this point.

    I also like Japanese hardcore.

    Correlation?

    And who can resist Asian chicks with their sideways vagina's and whatnot?

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  9. don't lie... you wouldn't need to microwave it.

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  10. youre fuckin high..assuck,resist,his hero is gone,and all the other crust bands im sure you diss are waaaay better than the fuckin faggy power metal fluffy hair shit your probably into.

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  11. "manowar or hellnation: who rocks harder? who do you think?!?"

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  12. Agree with all of the above except:
    Morbid Angel i blame David Vincent, since Herectic was pretty damn awesome...and as far as jap grind, i excuse Naked City's 1st album cuz really, there was nothing like that back then.

    did anybody notice the next video listed in the playlist at the Big Drill Car link?

    this band/link:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1AYXKOMFgo&feature=user

    def better than ATG. Why people call SOS the Reign In Blood of the 90s i will never understand :(

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  13. Wow, Big Drill Car and Italian horror movies in the same post. What more could I ask for.

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  14. Plus, A.O.M., A.O.D. & B.A.T.S. from Morbid Angel are all classic releases.

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  15. frank... WRONG, they are boring junk! listen to Obituary and Cynic instead! you will thank me!

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  16. Well, almost every judgement of bands in the article is completely wrong, but you guys are hilarious.

    New post idea: The fall of Brujeria. I remember when they were actually a grind band. Then the mackarena/marajuana cover, and now some anglos from the British Isles play with them. WTF?

    And are you sure that Earthcriss skull is on a guy? Looks like a girl to me.

    Hard to see stubble under the biggest mistake of this dude/chick's life, no animal safe make-up, but those finely plucked eyebrows... I dunno. I hope its a girl. or maybe I do, I'm confused.

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  17. Well, I like both Carcass and Morbid Angel but I'm not going to revert to a Tourette influenced diatribe like the previous poster.

    By the by, is that photo of the Jap-Crap lover one of the dudes who run the Maryland Deathfest? . . . And on top of that, I'm really surprised that none of you has even mentioned that, especially you Sergeant D, with your affinity for wigger slam.

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  18. i have no idea who that guy is, actually! i did a google image search for "beardo" and that as on the first page. it certainly wouldn't surprise me if it was one of the MDF guys, though. btw, this year's lineup was a little lacking in the wigger slam department.

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  19. Way off on Carcass, but its about time people stop fapping about Morbid Angel and At The Gates. Honestly.

    Angelcorpse>MA
    Dismember>ATG

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  20. The "Things I Would Destroy if I Had Access to the Nocturnus Time Machine" tag is amazing.

    Also, I'm a total poser. I don't actually own a single Morbid Angel OR Carcass album.

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  21. I'm so guilty of all the nerdom mentioned with the exception of metalcore, probably because I'm not 12. Also, my girl is not Asian, I couldn't even lure a non-English speaker into my creepiness.

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  22. Grotesque and Liers in Wait were better than At the Gates.

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  23. "Things I Would Destroy if I Had Access to the Nocturnus Time Machine"

    That was the best part of the article. Have you guys seen this? Hilarious. No one said that about keyboards to you, Louis.
    http://youtube.com/watch?v=F_yyKEsrnf4

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  24. The metal heresy on display in this post is glorious. Viva Sergeant D!

    My old band played a gig with His Hero Is Gone many moons ago. They 'played' for about 8 minutes and abruptly stopped. They wandered around the stage in an apparent daze. We thought they had blown an amp or something. I felt bad for them and bought their 7". Later, when I listened to it, I realized they had played their entire set.

    I like The Boredoms, Ruins, and Intestine Baalism. Wanna fight about it?

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  25. Carcass? Yes, but only "Symphonies of Sickness."

    Assuck? Yes, but only "Misery Index."

    Morbid Angel? Yes, but only one or two songs each from their first three or four albums.

    At The Gates? Yes, but only "Terminal Spirit Disease." I agree that they have much to answer for. Then again, I also like The Haunted, so my judgment is probably suspect.

    Big Drill Car? Yes. "Sixteen Lines" and "In Green Fields" kick my ass.

    You are wrong about His Hero Is Gone. They are totally sweet. 95% of all crust sucks, but the bands who don't are amazing and fill a niche that garbage like Hatebreed can't. However, I also like Hatebreed, because I am a masochist.

    I like doom. I like drone doom. I like funeral doom. I even like space doom. Add the word "doom" to it and I'll probably give it a listen.

    How about this? Anything by one of the "classic" thrash bands after their first three albums. Metallica, Anthrax, Slayer, and even Megadeth could have put out three albums and broken up and the music world would be no poorer for it.

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  26. 1. i love hatebreed, especially the split with integrity that has horrible production

    2. metallica's entire catalog is garbage, megadeth has 1 good song ("holy wars"), slayer is boring as shit, anthrax were totally fucking awesome with joey and complete garbage without him

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  27. They wandered around the stage in an apparent daze

    lolololz

    also, Intestine Baalism are pretty good.

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  28. his hero is gone is still around? ughhhh.

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  29. Anxiety HangoverJuly 1, 2008 at 7:39 PM

    What kind of trolls write these fucking blogs anyway?

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  30. Beard guy is the drummer for Ted Leo & the Pharmacists.

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  31. I take issue with many inconsistencies and innaccuracies in the replies for this one. Where to begin?

    Oh, wait.......
    You're all the dorks, not me.

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  32. I really like the first two Morbid Angel records, and I think Vincent's apparent douchebaggery works for them, not against them, up to that point. Up to the nipple rings in the 'Blessed are the Sick' video.

    I guess I should ever-so reluctantly check out Angelcorpse since you think they're better, but back when I gave them a chance 5 years ago or so they were total snarehell (a death metal phenomenon where the snare hits per bar are higher than any other recurring element, like musical notes, and are mixed louder than anything else) all the time. I guessed everything by them would be like this. Plus Pete Helmkamp hasn't got much going for him besides his cool name as I've seen from interviews.

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  33. I guess I'm lame. I like early Carcass, Slaughter Of The Soul,His Hero Is Gone & especially Alters Of Madness. I know it's easy to hate on that stuff because it's overhyped but there is a reason it's hyped. I agree with you on the whole japanese hardcore thing.

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  34. Even though I mostly agree, that un-original irony smacks of the same that is responsible for the apparent success of bullshit Vice Magazine...but that's not really dissing MI, at least your funny, but this old irony schtick is getting old - just sayin'

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  35. Sergeant D...Obituary are absolutely cool, but Cynic are boring as hell! Pseudotechnical wankery and pseudo philosophical lyrics at their finest... ;-)

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  36. 1. i love hatebreed, especially the split with integrity that has horrible production

    They were better when they could write songs that were under 3 minutes long.

    2. metallica's entire catalog is garbage

    Wrong. Ride The Lightning was pretty good. They were boring before that and their best moments after were rehashes of RTL.

    megadeth has 1 good song ("holy wars"),

    Meh. "Peace Sells" was better. "This is the news!"

    slayer is boring as shit

    Except for Reign In Blood.

    anthrax were totally fucking awesome with joey and complete garbage without him

    Wrong. The songs were better with Joey, but John Bush was a better vocalist.

    I declare a moratorium on solo black metal projects. Xasthur is extremely overrated.

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  37. As usual, lawls, even if I don't agree with anything.

    However, you refer to "still listening to vinyl" as though it's a negative quality and given previous posts on this blog....well, teehee, man.

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  38. first off in response to the pud who stated: "Can we go ahead and bitch about this doom trend? I'm sick of this crap"

    What doom trend? Are there so many sell out doom bands now that the airwaves, concert halls, and stores are full of Cathedral, My Dying Bride, Catacombs, and Trouble? Please let's not bash the doom scene - hard enough people love nu-metal shit...

    but back to the reason why I was commenting in the first place. Spot on with the Japanese Grindcore fans as I know someone just like that. The whole not paying attention when the other person is bored to tears is dead on too.

    I also agree with all the idiocy concerning At The Gates... One great album and every buttwipe needs to imitate them. And yes melody and death metal don't mix. I'll take Vader and Unleashed over some melodic death metal tool.

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  39. this old irony schtick is getting old - just sayin'

    who's being ironic? i really do think morbid angel and metallica are awful and boring, and i really do love japanese wigger slam. do they write about Rest In Gore in Vice these days? if so, i should start reading it.

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  40. What doom trend? Try every southern group of shitty hipster drug addicts who play Black Sabbath riffs at quarter speed and everyone thinks they're genius. It's become the new metalcore.

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  41. such as? examples please... don't say Down, Eyehategod, etc... they're all established sludge bands. Down is the biggest of the bunch for obvious reasons.

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  42. See most of Southern Lord, and every Myspace band with a "doom/sludge/drone" tag.

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  43. and Down is not sludge

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  44. I won't continue to argue with you about who's sludge and big the doom trend is now...

    anyone else know a Japanese grindcore fan? They are the epitome of losers.

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  45. what if I like italian horror but cannot stand japanese grind/hardcore or noise? please keep me informed i need to know.

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  46. "Even though I mostly agree, that un-original irony smacks of the same that is responsible for the apparent success of bullshit Vice Magazine...but that's not really dissing MI, at least your funny, but this old irony schtick is getting old - just sayin'"

    also their formula is wayyy more Buddyhead than Vice.

    i think i just dated myself. shit.

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  47. i remember buddyhead but i never read their site or whatever. but i did buy the SHAT record, which i think they put out?

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  48. *sigh* once again, you guys are fags. there are some seriously amazing bands from Japan. i will start by saying GISM and GAUZE.

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  49. Metalinquisition=funny jokes mixed with terrible judgment of music (save for obvious obominations like nu-metal, glam & metalcore).

    Generic Death Metal was born from Deicide, Cannibal Corpse & Entombed.

    Also, fuck Death Metal that NEVER has melody.

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  50. No, fuck melody at all.
    Melody killed death metal, see In Flames / Arch-Enemy and other similar crap...

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  51. no fuck you, melody didn't kill death metal, boring ass break downs/chugging riffs and pig squeals did.

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  52. assuck was good, but live they blew. the blast beats werent true blast beats, but still anticapitial is a killer lp. the hype about that band definitely grew to ridiculous proportions with later generations....once the band went thru a slew of singers, and bassists.

    his hero is gone isnt even from the same time period as assuck. they didnt come around until the mid 90's. assucks demo came out in like 89.

    resist was more like bland crust hcpunk, and destroy was boring and dumb.

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  53. your fuckin stupid. know your shit before you state your worthless opinion.

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    ReplyDelete