Thursday, July 24, 2008

Death Magnetic Approaching!

The release of a new Metallica album will always be an event for me. Yes, I know they suck. Yes, I know they've sucked for years now. I'm not ashamed to admit that they were my favorite band for most of my young adult life and maybe there is still a small part of me that hopes they will somehow recapture the magic of their glory days, but I don't believe in miracles. There's a morbid fascination/curiosty at work. Sometimes you can't help but look at things you know will repulse/scare/anger you. Like how you always slow down when approaching a car accident to observe the damage. Or like how you've clicked on the Goatse and Tub Girl jpgs a million times. There's some innate primal urge that draws us to these things and it is exactly that urge that fills me with anticipation for Metallica's upcoming new album, Death Magnetic. I cannot wait to hear all the shitty riffs, weak double bass, and embarassing lyrics. The awful cover art is certainly a good start.

two musical geniuses hard at work.

I don't know how Metallica can possibly top the shitstorm that was their last album, St. Anger. That album might just be the worst ever made. The drums that sounded like fucking garbage cans, the guitars that sounded Korn, no solos, and every song went on for what felt like days. Who can forget classic lines like "My lifestyle determines my deathstyle." If anyone can do it though, Metallica can. With each new album since the Black album they've managed to successfully lower the bar and I don't expect this new album to be any different. Keep in mind that Death Magnetic has been described as the missing link between ...And Justice for All and the Black album. Uh, yeah, I'm sure that'll be the case.

They just posted the track listing yesterday and there's some amazingly retarded titles. I'm really glad to see that they've decided to write a SECOND sequel to "The Unforgiven." Totally necessary. Hopefully they'll make another nonsensical video for it.

1. That Was Just Your Life
2. The End of the Line
3. Broken, Beat & Scarred
4. The Day That Never Comes
5. All Nightmare Long
6. Cyanide
7. The Unforgiven III
8. The Judas Kiss
9. Suicide & Redemption
10. My Apocalypse

They haven't set a release date for Death Magnetic yet, but it's supposed to come out sometime in September, which is right around the corner. To hold you over until then enjoy this compilation of sound clips that have been posted on the Mission Metallica website. The line "Suicide, I've already died!" sounds particularly promising.


  1. Another Unforgiven? Jesus, it's like doing Weekend At Berny's 3. Wait, that's an insult to an actually watchable film franchise. Also, and I may be wrong, isn't the title "Broken, Beat & Scarred" grammatically incorrect? Shouldn't it be "beaten"? Another thing, they promised they were going back to the old logo, as a show of going back to their roots...but that's not the same logo at all! its stretched and the letter forms are different. Just look at the C. The wikipedia entry about this record is a great source by the way.

  2. They should have called the album "Coffin Cunt"

  3. Ah yes, the New Metallica Album Cycle. It starts with Metallica announcing a new album. Soon people start popping up, saying they heard the new stuff--their friend's cousin's uncle worked on the mix--and it sounds like Kill 'Em All. Then people, in total disregard to how long it's been since they released Master of Puppets, build up anticipation for a good album. They are let down. And this is where I always have to restrain myself from punching a Metallica fan: did you actually think this new album would be good? Were you not around when the Black album was released? Anyway, the Cycle ends with the legendary "Metallica Name Insult Contest", e.g. Shitallica, nu-Metallica, etc.

  4. That last guy pretty much nailed it.

  5. shit band. mighty scary jpgs there tho'

  6. Jpeg's are definitely NSFW. Opened the tub girl pic...I x'ed out that browser window faster than a juggalo who's mom caught him rubbing one out to clown porn. I hope my IT nazi doesn't pull that one from my cache...would be very difficult to explain.

  7. The cover art looks like one of them made it while playing with one of their waste of time Sharper Image or SkyMall catalog desk toys. I'm betting the skull design didn't work out so well so they went with the coffin.
    As for the name, I'll expect to hear 'Death-O-Matic' and god knows how many others that happen to make the same amount of sense as the actual title does.

  8. You know, I think I'd rather actually listen to the new 'Tallica record, twice, than see the "goatse" ever again. Fuck. That's gonna give me daymares.

  9. I didn't even look at that one... although I'm morbidly curious, I don't need any more rotten or disturbing images seared into my frontal lobe. It does make me question your "research" technique, Hoglan's Balls.

  10. Hey guys, check out this great interview with Lars.


  11. But enough about that... has anyone seen the album's pricing schedule?
    "Secondly, the three proposed “packages” are frickin’ outrageously expensive. $24.99 for a digital download of Death Magnetic, a digital download of two entire shows from upcoming 2008 gigs (big deal!), a chance to hear why Robert Trujillo thinks Lights…Camera…Revolution! sucks bull testes, 250 photos, riff ringtones (not full songs, of course), and access to Fan Club crap. For $24.99, Metallica isn’t giving you a physical CD of Death Magnetic. Cue Press Your Luck “Whammy” music. For the next step up, $32.99, the former thrash ‘n’ bashers give you a physical CD. And then there’s the ultra rip-off package, which only the lamest of knobs will buy (and regret). For $124.99, or topping off that Hummer H2 you got recently with no money down, you get all the junk (yes, the CD is included) from the $32.99 package and a five-LP 180 gram vinyl version of Death Magnetic and box. Oh, and a lithograph, too."

    Gotta give it to those guys, they've really stayed true to their tape-trading roots.

  12. Great post. I feel almost exactly the same way about Metallica. I once loved them & now I loathe them with every fiber of my being.

    "St Anger" was the "Music From The Elder" of this decade, with one major difference-"Elder" sucked hard but at least it sounded like it was produced by someone who knew how to operate recording equipment. The word that best describes the "Anger" drum sound is "humiliating". One of those human-beat box guys could have done a better job.

    Which is the gayer lyric? "My lifestyle determines my deathstyle" or "tick-tock tick-tock TICK-TOCK"? The correct answer is: they are both equally gay.

  13. Metallica should stick to doing covers at least their choices are usually listenable. They murder The Ramones in a way that doesn't make for good listening though.

    I'll probably suffer the watching a road accident affect and come out as a shaky regretful witness after listening to the album.

  14. screw metallica. those prices are a COMPLETE rip-off!! you know what im gonna do? im gonna torrent the fuck out of the dam thing so lars can cry about it and look like mustaine.

    BTW, ""Elder" sucked hard but at least it sounded like it was produced by someone who knew how to operate recording equipment." is a brilliant statement!

  15. There's nothing more annoying than a "new" Metallica fan explaining to you that you only hate them now because you aren't capable of appreciating artistic "progression", as if bland radio-friendly rockers, cover songs & a badly produced metalcore cut & paste job represent some kind of musical growth.

    Wanting to brutally beat Lars has been a given since 1983, of course, but I cannot be the only person who has an overwhelming urge to punch Hetfield in the face after watching that "Frantic" video, can I? It's like he's inhabiting a cartoon likeness of himself.

  16. "Coffin Cunt"


    kind of looks like a stylized goatse too.

    i'll probably be the only guy on this thread who truly doesn't give a fuck about metallica. so i'll provide you with a link to the "cup chicks".

  17. Ridiculous band...but they always earn a shitload of $$$ thanx to Mr. Ulrich ability regarding business.
    These men haven't nothing to do with "Art" or "Music" at all.
    Ulrich is a charlatan.
    Hammett a spineless employee.
    Newsted the same as Hammett until his heart said "STOOOOP!"
    ...and Truijllo re-recorded Bob Daisley's basslines on that Ozzy's record...this man should kill your mother for a dime.
    Plus, Hetfield is an egomaniac that sometimes has semi-good ideas.

  18. OK, I totally agree with your opinions, you echo my sentiments etc. etc. however please stop publishing these pictures and videos here, because I love this blog far too much and I don't want any "concerned parent" reporting it and then having the blog deleted.

  19. frank.

    you are giving lars WAY too much credit for their economic success. as the last album proved, they make there money from their reputation and the work put in by Qprime and elektra. if not for 4 amazing albums and one accessible album 15 years ago they would bu at Anthrax level or less regardless of any marketing genius by Lars

  20. Is the Death Magnetic artwork supposed to look like a vagina?

  21. Sweatloaf-

    You tell us, we've never actually seen a real live girl nekkid before.

  22. Morbid curiosity here too. Watching the marketing machine grind to life is amazing for new metallica records. They were talking about an 'and justice for all'-like about St.Anger too!

    The cover is very mall-friendly, but a nice idea I think given the -stupid- name. The artist did his best. Will metallica do their be--b, bbwhywhahahahaha

  23. They can NEVER go back to their old sound because they don't know how to. Much of the old stuff right through "And Justice For All..." was heavily influenced by Dave Mustaine and Cliff Burton. Both have been long since departed from "Selloutica".

  24. I only heard this shitty song, not worth more than the 3 clicks it demands to download:
    "The Day That Never Comes"
    it is supposed to be the single for "death magaytic". it makes me afraid of the entire album.
    Listen to Maelstrom instead!!!