Showing posts with label Flemming Rasmussen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Flemming Rasmussen. Show all posts

Friday, October 24, 2008

Metal Inquisition's Second Photo Caption Contest


I was very, very tempted to post the not work-safe version of this picture here, but I decided not to. If you're ready to see the amazingly great not work-safe version of the picture, click here. As you'll see, I probably could have posted the original version since there's not much to it.

Post your captions, and when doing so please note that Kirk's left hand seems to be rubbing furiously inside his robe while he stares directly at Metallica's tiniest member (double entendre). Poor Steve Harris and his mom jeans got stuck in the cross fire.

I'll go first, and get some of the obvious ones out of the way:

Sad But True
The Shortest Straw

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Death Magnetic Approaching!


The release of a new Metallica album will always be an event for me. Yes, I know they suck. Yes, I know they've sucked for years now. I'm not ashamed to admit that they were my favorite band for most of my young adult life and maybe there is still a small part of me that hopes they will somehow recapture the magic of their glory days, but I don't believe in miracles. There's a morbid fascination/curiosty at work. Sometimes you can't help but look at things you know will repulse/scare/anger you. Like how you always slow down when approaching a car accident to observe the damage. Or like how you've clicked on the Goatse and Tub Girl jpgs a million times. There's some innate primal urge that draws us to these things and it is exactly that urge that fills me with anticipation for Metallica's upcoming new album, Death Magnetic. I cannot wait to hear all the shitty riffs, weak double bass, and embarassing lyrics. The awful cover art is certainly a good start.

two musical geniuses hard at work.

I don't know how Metallica can possibly top the shitstorm that was their last album, St. Anger. That album might just be the worst ever made. The drums that sounded like fucking garbage cans, the guitars that sounded Korn, no solos, and every song went on for what felt like days. Who can forget classic lines like "My lifestyle determines my deathstyle." If anyone can do it though, Metallica can. With each new album since the Black album they've managed to successfully lower the bar and I don't expect this new album to be any different. Keep in mind that Death Magnetic has been described as the missing link between ...And Justice for All and the Black album. Uh, yeah, I'm sure that'll be the case.


They just posted the track listing yesterday and there's some amazingly retarded titles. I'm really glad to see that they've decided to write a SECOND sequel to "The Unforgiven." Totally necessary. Hopefully they'll make another nonsensical video for it.

1. That Was Just Your Life
2. The End of the Line
3. Broken, Beat & Scarred
4. The Day That Never Comes
5. All Nightmare Long
6. Cyanide
7. The Unforgiven III
8. The Judas Kiss
9. Suicide & Redemption
10. My Apocalypse


They haven't set a release date for Death Magnetic yet, but it's supposed to come out sometime in September, which is right around the corner. To hold you over until then enjoy this compilation of sound clips that have been posted on the Mission Metallica website. The line "Suicide, I've already died!" sounds particularly promising.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Metallica. The Band. The Muse.


As a musical act, Metallica's influence on the world of metal is undeniable. Just look around, and you'll see lots of terrible bands with sub-par Danish drummers, and bass players who play slap bass while crab-walking. Similarly, Metallica has become the art world's favorite muse. Just look at the fine pieces below, and you'll see why the artworld has seen a radical switch away from landscapes and still lives, and into portraits. Enjoy.


"Thinking It Over"
Depiction of James and Lars looking out towards the bay bridge, wondering what type of horrible snare sound they can use in the next album to make it suck worse. Never mind the fact that the artist got tired after drawing James and drew Lars as a mere ghost. This was on purpose. It's an homage to Lars and how he slows down dramatically and is unable to play Whiplash at even half-time.



"No, I'll Erase You"
There's some double entendre here. First, the title refers to that moment in Some Kind Of Monster when Lars' dad, after being asked to review some new songs, says "I think you should delete that". Deep inside, Lars knows his dad wishes he could have erased him when he was a baby. The title also references the erasing technique used to give the jacket's lapel its highlights. This artistic trick is a favorite amongst tenth graders.

"Oooooooh...Yeaaaaah! Womaaaahhhhn!"
This fine drawing depicts James at around the time that he began to look like the cowardly lion in the Wizard Of Oz. It speaks about his reservations and fears in life. His biggest fear? Angering tubby knob-twiddler Bob Rock, who has become a father figure in his life. Think about it, in the movie A Year And A Half In The Life Of Metallica, James actually takes his suggestion and does the stupid "ooooh...woman!" thing in the vocal booth. I bet Flemming Rasmussen never made him do that. Anyway, Remember how he started wearing a little wolf head on a necklace around that time? And what about the frets in his guitar that showed a wolf evolving to a man. Just thinking of it makes me feel embarrassed.


"No Life Till Leather"
It's not often that the worlds of art and fashion meet. When they do meet, they breed and they have this jacket as a child...and the whole world suffers. Is the person on the top right supposed to be a Cliff/Jason hybrid?


"None More Black"
Homage to the Black Album and its minimalist artwork. Simple, but strong...like Kirk's wig.


"This Is My Robot Voice"
A ficticious depiction of what would happen if Kirk were ever actually allowed to speak at any Metallica event. What would happen, it turns out, is that he'd put the mic up to his throat and do his best robot voice...and tell stories about his tiny bicycle skid mustache in the early 90s, as well as his wig collection. Come to think of it, that would probably be better than James' awful banter.


"Jump Out Of The Fire"
Barely recognizable as the boys from the Bay Area, this mural depicts the dynamic duo. The flames represent the ghost that haunts them...the memory of Cliff Burton, who they killed in Sweden and claimed was an accident. The reason for killing him? Two words: Bell Bottoms.


Monday, April 7, 2008

We're Internet Famous!



Well, not really, at least not yet, but that shitty metal magazine Decibel decided to return the favor after Sergeant D interviewed their Editor-in-Chief and the author of Choosing Death: The Improbable History of Death Metal and Grindcore, Albert Mudrian, and interview us. Of course we're not good enough for the actual magazine so they posted it on their worthless blog. You can read our witty answers to their stupid questions and check out some candid photos of your favorite Metal Inquisition staffers here.