Thursday, July 3, 2008

Grindcore bands: Why even bother with songs?

With bands like Praparation H, Mortician, Meatshits, or Gut, sometimes you have to listen to a full minute of porn or horror movie samples before you get to the actual song, which is only 1 second of noise. It was funny in 1991, but it got old a long time ago. So I was thinking, why not just do away with the songs altogether and just make a whole album of intros. With the exception of the old masters like 7MON, Nuclear Death, Ulcerous Phlgem, and so forth, grindcore is a wretched, shitty genre anyway, so I can't imagine anybody will complain that there isn't any "music."

That said, I think it is safe to say that the entire porn and horror genres have been stripped bare of samples (thanks to the bands on Razorback, Wild Rags, and zillions of third-world, cassette-only labels). Here are some thoughts on new genres to exploit:

Romantic comedy
I love anything with Ryan Reynolds or Hugh Grant in it! Especially Hugh Grant! I literally laughed so hard I was crying uncontrollably and my stomach was in pain during Bridget Jones 2. One great sample would be from Bridget Jones 1 where she tries to impress him by saying, "Isn't it terrible what they're doing in Chechnya?" and Hugh Grant says, "Oh Jones, I don't give a fuck!"

Historical fiction
These movies usually have lots of horses, crying, and sheer fabric in them. They're not really my cup of tea, but it would certainly be an interesting change of pace for the next Anal Blast album to feature samples from Atonement, King Arthur or Little Women. The one good thing is that these movies sometimes have super hot chicks in them like Keara Knightly and Winona Ryder (ask Lucho Metales about her). Sometimes the chicks will show their tits in them, too, and it's cool because it's art.

Movies with Jason Statham
Basically if Jason Statham is in a movie, you can guarantee it will be fucking awesome! Both Transporter movies, Crank, the Bank Job, the guy is a genius. He's tough but sensitive, funny but cool, and has a black belt in body karate! I definitely think him and I could be buds, and some of his lines would be perfect for a wigger slam record.

Taught political thrillers
Next to romantic comedies, this might be my favorite genre. Unlike punk rockers, metal bands are patriotic and know why America is great. So perhaps some clips from Shooter or The Bourne Identity would be a nice fit. Grindcore bands can be a little on lefty side, so this could be a stretch... but I just wanted to put it out there.

I would love to hear the Meatshits use some samples from Nova, or perhaps "A Brief History of Time." I mean a band like Oxiplegatz, Origin or Cynic would have no problem finding a place for some stuff about quantum physics. But what would really be great is to invade the Razorback vaults and replace all the samples on the Lord Gore or Dead records with samples from that stupid spelling bee movie or Infamy.


  1. I think they should re-release the entire Cynic discography and include samples from Carl Sagan's "Cosmos" series before each song. Actually, Nocturnus should do the same thing for The Key...Cosmos had an episode devoted to the realities of time travel and travel at the speed of light. I think it would make the album that much better, and introduce them to a whole new audience.

    another plus to all of this is that grind bands would be forced to expand their lyrical content. i mean, if you use awesome samples from Little Women, your lyrics should match the touching qualities of the movie. Perhaps female-centric movies such as the one about the Traveling Pants or How Stella Got Her Groove back would also force grind/noise bands to be more sensitive to the needs of female listeners. bravo. this would be great.

  2. Impetigo is probably the only band which used movie samples that I can stand.

    I remember buying "Hacked Up for a Barbeque" and selling it the next day. I'm alomst positive that all the samples combined are longer than the actual songs.

  3. Right now I'm working on a grindcore 22 songs CD.
    There are samples from movies and other shit.
    I won't call it "music", anyway...

  4. nah man, anal blast is over with; i heard it here first. any else annoyed by the cryptkeeper or somebody telling poems as an intro to all the songs on that resurrection album "embalmed existence"?

  5. no way dude, that's the best part of that record!! i love the cryptkeeper intros! that album is great btw.

  6. praparation-h is one of my favorite old grindcore bands. a true classic, but they didnt really have horror or porn samples. most of their samples were good. they sampled 'blood in blood out' and 'saved by the bell'! and in their last CD they got all the 'heavy metal parking lot' samples... "what the fuck is that punk shit... it doesnt belong on this earth, it belong on fucking mars, man! what the fuck is punk shit"
    amen, brother. amen.


  7. Dark Helmet's line "Give me... ludicrous speed!" from 'Spaceballs'. I've always wondered how everyone missed that one.

  8. I never heard of Oxiplegatz, so I googled them. What the fuck is going on here?

  9. the fucking FUTURE, that's what!!

  10. Then the future is fucking gay! That guy looks like a mutated fucking vegetable.

  11.'s the project of one of the original members of At the Gates (with his wife, if i remember correctly).
    I accidentally listened to them because in the summer of '97 me and my band were roaming in France doing bartering with our brand new demo-tape. The guys at Adipocere gave us a few CDs, the debut CD from Oxiplegatz among them.
    I sold it to a used CD shop after using it as a support for a wonky table for a while...I'm now doing the same with our demo-tape.

  12. No joke, I've come back to this article to look at that Jason Statham pic no less than 50 times.

    What a hunk.

  13. I totally agree with the Sarge's sentiments re: Hugh Grant - that is one funny motherfucker, and I laughed my ass off during "Just Friends"... nothing's funnier than a man in a fat suit. But intros of any kind (movie samples, acoustic guitar, sound effects, skits, etc.) have no place on records.

  14. Intros...I've hated that Pestilence record because of them. But sometimes intros work to set the mood of a record.

  15. not all porn is stripped bare of samples. drum-machine grind bands should tap into that would be a perfect match.

  16. When I was a teenager someone told me how brutal Mortician was. I thought they fucking sucked dick but I loved to listen to the horror movie samples. Three minutes from Dawn Of The Dead as an intro to a twenty second "song"? At least they know what the best part of what they are doing is.

  17. I dont pass judgement but i get the impression you want jason Statham's cock in your ass when he gets the chance.