Grindcore bands: Why even bother with songs?

With bands like Praparation H, Mortician, Meatshits, or Gut, sometimes you have to listen to a full minute of porn or horror movie samples before you get to the actual song, which is only 1 second of noise. It was funny in 1991, but it got old a long time ago. So I was thinking, why not just do away with the songs altogether and just make a whole album of intros. With the exception of the old masters like 7MON, Nuclear Death, Ulcerous Phlgem, and so forth, grindcore is a wretched, shitty genre anyway, so I can't imagine anybody will complain that there isn't any "music."

That said, I think it is safe to say that the entire porn and horror genres have been stripped bare of samples (thanks to the bands on Razorback, Wild Rags, and zillions of third-world, cassette-only labels). Here are some thoughts on new genres to exploit:

Romantic comedy
I love anything with Ryan Reynolds or Hugh Grant in it! Especially Hugh Grant! I literally laughed so hard I was crying uncontrollably and my stomach was in pain during Bridget Jones 2. One great sample would be from Bridget Jones 1 where she tries to impress him by saying, "Isn't it terrible what they're doing in Chechnya?" and Hugh Grant says, "Oh Jones, I don't give a fuck!"


Historical fiction
These movies usually have lots of horses, crying, and sheer fabric in them. They're not really my cup of tea, but it would certainly be an interesting change of pace for the next Anal Blast album to feature samples from Atonement, King Arthur or Little Women. The one good thing is that these movies sometimes have super hot chicks in them like Keara Knightly and Winona Ryder (ask Lucho Metales about her). Sometimes the chicks will show their tits in them, too, and it's cool because it's art.

Movies with Jason Statham
Basically if Jason Statham is in a movie, you can guarantee it will be fucking awesome! Both Transporter movies, Crank, the Bank Job, the guy is a genius. He's tough but sensitive, funny but cool, and has a black belt in body karate! I definitely think him and I could be buds, and some of his lines would be perfect for a wigger slam record.


Taught political thrillers
Next to romantic comedies, this might be my favorite genre. Unlike punk rockers, metal bands are patriotic and know why America is great. So perhaps some clips from Shooter or The Bourne Identity would be a nice fit. Grindcore bands can be a little on lefty side, so this could be a stretch... but I just wanted to put it out there.

Documentaries
I would love to hear the Meatshits use some samples from Nova, or perhaps "A Brief History of Time." I mean a band like Oxiplegatz, Origin or Cynic would have no problem finding a place for some stuff about quantum physics. But what would really be great is to invade the Razorback vaults and replace all the samples on the Lord Gore or Dead records with samples from that stupid spelling bee movie or Infamy.

Goretorture: The world's first Schwartzeneggar-themed grindcore band

One of my favorite films of all time is the 1985 classic "Commando," starring Arnold Schwartzeneggar. Before we go any further, please watch this legendary scene so you will be prepared for the rest of our discussion.

Now you can see why I love this film so much. You will also understand why I was so excited to discover the Finnish band Goretorture, the world's first of what will almost certainly be a host of Arnold Schwartzeneggar-themed grindcore bands!


The formula is familiar, but the execution is flawless. Like Mortician or the Meatshits, every song starts out with a lengthy sample intro, then they start blasting. Only unlike awful bands like Mortician, who force you to listen to over a minute of some girl screaming from a crappy 1970s horror movie, Goretorture treats you to quotes from the entirety of Arnold's career as an actor and politician. Listening to is like combining the delicious tastes of chocolate and peanut butter: you get the best moments from films like T2, Kindergarten Cop, Predator, and of course Commando plus the sweet sounds of generic drum machine grindcore to lull you off to the land of nod. What could be better??

What I really like about Goretorture is that they don't half ass it. Whereas other bands would wimp out by using only tiny snippets of Arnold, Goretorture gives you the whole enchilada. For example, one of their songs begins with a clip of Schwartzeneggar's California Governorship acceptance speech that goes on for a good 5 minutes. I love it! One of my favorite comedic devices is when things drag on and on and on and on and on until the audience is begging for death (see Neil Hamburger), and it is obvious that Goretorture are big fans too.

Visit Goretorture on MySpace, and more information and songs are available here. Don't miss out!! Before you check it out, though, watch this other scene from the classic film Commando: