Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Sacred Cow Barbeque: Kid Rock is better than your favorite metal band

Unlike Metallica, Kid Rock has many excellent songs


Everyone likes to point out how bad their post-Black album stuff is, but the truth is that their entire catalog is terrible. They were always the weak, watered down thrash band for pussies that couldn't handle Forced Entry, Destruction or Dark Angel. The best thing that ever came out of Metallica was Kid Rock sampling them in "American Badass." I love that song!! Although I am impressed that I still see Midwestern white trash teenagers wearing "Ride the Lightning" shirts and smoking cigarettes with surly looks on their faces.

At this point, I think every witty caption about dumb black metal photos has already been written

True black metal
This stuff is terrible!! I will listen to just about anything: I love 311, Fergie, Lil Wayne, Miley Cyrus, and all kinds of other stuff with absolutely no credibility. But even I know that bad is bad is bad. It's popular to trash trendy beardo black metal like Xasthur (and rightly so), but have you ever actually listened to crap like Mayhem, Darkthrone, Dark Funeral, etc? It's unlistenable crap that makes Nuclear Death sound like overproduced top 40. These records are like comic books. I guess to white nerds that grew up in the suburbs it's enticing to put on a Dissection album and pretend you are a frozen ice viking or whatever, but I just don't get it.

You: "ZOMG 'Inverted'!!"

Later Gorguts
I love the first two Gorguts albums where they still sounded like generic Roadrunner death metal. The only thing that could have made them better is that Cryptkeeper guy from the Resurrection album doing intros. But internet metal nerds prefer their later albums where you can tell they listened to a bit too much Human Remains and Dillinger Escape Plan. If I wanted to hear skronky guitar parts and screeching I would listen to hardcore and do guitar flips in my bedroom! This is supposed to be death metal!


  1. No black metal band will ever come close to matching the genius production that is Nuclear Death. No, I'm not being ironic...I love that band. I think the idea of a dangerous music played by goblins seems appealing to suburban america. In a slightly different suburban landscape these kids were the same people who listened to NWA during the early 90s, amazed by tall tales from a land far far away. Same kids, different stories. In yet another set of cirumstances, they would listen to ICP.

    For some reason, I kinda like And Justice For All, I don't know why. There's a couple of clunkers in there, and the songs are eternal...I think it must bring back memories of an earlier time in my life. I think Ride The Lightning (what a dumb name) has crappy vocals. I know, James has always sucked...but both RTL and Kill 'em all have awful reverb on the vocals which ruins the albums. Master Of Puppets has too many slow parts. Too many ballad moments, and Lars' drumming never helped. He's basically playing a drumbeat that a polka drummer would play a state fair (snare, hi hat, snare) at medium speed. yuk.

    I always admired Kid Rock's gusto, he was shirtless for most of the late 90s, showing his doughy physique to the ladiez.

  2. In all fairness, that black metal douche is wearing a Demilich t-shirt, so he still might have some dignity . . . maybe . . . possibly not . . .

  3. I sometimes have a hard time listening to Metallica these days (just because of, well, what they've done in the last 15+ years), but they did three excellent albums ("Kill 'em All" was not one of 'em), and "...Justice..." is a fucking classic through and through. And despite what many would have you believe, NO ONE has ever truly sounded like Metallica. Bits and pieces, sure, but they way they did guitar harmonies and shit has never been effectively replicated by any other band. I've never understood why, but... it's true.

    Darkthrone shits all over Mayhem and Dark Funeral. Dark Funeral has always been brutally boring, and Mayhem had great riffs early on, but Attila's vocals on "De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas" were so fucking retarded I cannot fathom why he's a "big deal". Does not compute.

    Darkthrone rules, though. If they weren't so busy camping and avoiding things created after 1985 I bet they would love this blog.

    "Considered Dead" sucks and always has. It should rule, but I don't understand how it exists when you consider "The Erosion of Sanity" (which will always be their best) came just three years later. Go figure.

    And I'm actually listening to the new (yes, NEW) Resurrection album right now, and it's fucking good. And they have a couple of those dumbass intros on this album, too! Fucking idiots! I swear, if they had done it on every song this time around... I don't know. I don't know. The fact that they did it at all on this album frightens me, but...

  4. haven't you written this exact same thing 70+ times already? we get the point, yawn.

  5. jaime-
    guilty as charged :(

    there is a new resurrection album?! in 2008??

  6. One thing to be funny with the sacred cow-tipping and another to just fish for controversy. I am not saying that these aren't really your opinions and once again it is GOOD that you are not afraid to say whatever you feel regardless of how much nerd rage it might fuel. It just doesn't make for interesting writing if it's got nothing else going for it besides 'I don't get black metal and metallica sucks'.

  7. Metallica were an awesome band from 'Kill 'em All' to '...And Justice for All' as far as I'm concerned since we're just sharing here. Every record has great and different things going for it. Of course you don't like them since you dislike what spawned them, NWOBHM and Metal Blade Metal.

    "Mayhem had great riffs early on, but Attila's vocals on "De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas" were so fucking retarded I cannot fathom why he's a "big deal". Does not compute."

    You probably listen for riffs more than you should then. Everybody can play some catchy riffs for 30 times, everyone can take their vicarious journey to the stars. Anybody can retread the same vague 'atmosphere' of mid-period Darkthrone and many have. Darkthrone are perfect for that sort of passive background-music-black-metal effect that's so in vogue right now, they were practically ambient music from Transylvanian and onwards. The riffs are catchy and simple and repeat forever. Not offensive, not intrusive, just a backdrop effect over which you may do whatever you want. "But I've intentfully listened to Transylvanian Hunger hundreds of times and I love it, Helm!" you may say, but do ask yourself, how many times have you listened it as background music and conditioned yourself to graze over (or 'trance out' as the hipsters like it) its repetitive structure? As Eno would say, play any sequence of notes over and over enough times and it will begin to appear as if it has an inner meaning.

    Mayhem were more of a Heavy Metal band at the point of Mysteriis as were Darkthrone in 'Blaze in the Northern Sky'). There's not only riffs but songs and pacing and a frontman, all of which are intrusive and demand attention. I don't enjoy the vocal style of Attila on that record (not do I like Mayhem very much generally) but it seems to me fitting for their philosophy and aesthetic to have it. Seemingly-drunken, slurred, atavistic, the voice of a half-human. 'Retarded' you say as if to mean something bad, retarded I say and fittingly so. That's the sort of effect Mayhem wanted and hats off for getting it right. Black metal was an open system then, you could try new things. You're not supposed to like it like you like Van Halen, it's supposed to dominate you and command the terms.

    Listen to Master's Hammer for a different take on this sort of vocal. Or early In The Woods... or indeed, Burzum. I'd trade 3,000 bland safe screetchy inoffensive, non-obstrustive black metal vocalists copying Darkthrone for that sort of charisma that takes over regardless of whether you enjoy the singalong or not.

  8. Metal Blade Metal


  9. OK, OK so Metallica deserve to be slugged off because they don’t produce albums that kick anymore and they turned into massive wimps... but what is the point of doing that boys and girls? They still manage to get even richer from making a complete spectacle of themselves (DVDs with psychiatrists, crying at each other’s lap etc.) They would not be able to spend the money the make / have made even if they lived 10 times over. I am sure they don’t care about your opinions or criticism (constructive or not) so my advice is to stop doing this slugging off thing, you are wasting your time. They are far too reach and in their own worlds to care anyway. Even if they were not, fans wishes and desires very rarely have a true impact on the creative possess of writing music or anything else along these lines. Still a marvelous blog and I love everyone’s opinions apart from –sorry dude- aversionline (cool name....not!) who thinks too much of himself and doesn’t exactly know as much as he thinks he does.

  10. SgtD, you Forced Entry worshipping is amazing.
    Never listened to F.E., but it's always fun to like a band no one cares about.
    I for example appreciate the second Atrophy LP that noone can stand...and I'm proud of it.

  11. I love Forced Entry! They're fucking awesome. Better than Forbidden, whom they seemed to really try to emulate.

  12. Yay, more love for Nuclear Death!

    One of the few bands where it's actually fitting that production is shot to hell. Eventhough I sometimes wish that you could hear some more of the riffs, the atmosphere and overall intensity of the music go a long way here.

    Also one of the rare cases where I actually give a shit about the lyrics and titles. They realy ad to the total package. Yes, you can write 'gore' lyrics without making it look silly.

    I read somewhere their guitarist was tonedeaf. Anything of that true?

  13. Re: Gorguts' more recent material.
    "Obscura" was released in '98, about a year before DEP's 'Under the Running Board', which doesn't sound like Gorguts in the least anyway. Luc Lemay had been working in this direction since around '94 or '95. Maybe you don't like or get it, but it is unique.

  14. To say "Considered Dead" sucks has to be right up there with "There was no holocaust" as the biggest load of shit I have ever heard.

  15. Re: the holocaust, it was over 60 years ago. Let it go. Do Jews EVER quit complaining?

    Re: Kid Rock-he stinks so bad I can smell him from here. That midget he used to have was the whole band, without him he's shit.

    Re: Metallica-KEA was the only Metallica album worth anything. RTL was decent, Justice was OK & MOP had a few moments but is otherwise entirely overrated.

    Nothing's funnier than detailed analysis of Mayhem's "music" (as if anyone could distinguish any Mayhem "song" from any other one).

  16. I agree with some comments about Metallica: overrated. And there were some people saying Lars was one hell of a drummer.
    Gorguts: B-league of death metal, actually, their debut is still good but the second is full of brutal crap that I can't stand.

  17. I agree with anonymous above Frank. That post needed midgets.

  18. What a cop out! I was actually looking forward to some REASONS why Kid Rock is better than everything mentioned.

  19. Listen to the original "Deathcrush" and then listen to "Grand Declaration of War" and tell me Mayhem songs sound the same again.

  20. Andrew (i.e. Aversionline) "doesn't know as much as he thinks he does"? I guess I'll just say that the only reason I know about this blog is from his website... and I have him to thank for uncovering a lot of music I wouldn't have heard otherwise. Just sayin'....

  21. although i am quickly tiring of the sarge's "i swear i'm not being ironic" bullshit, i must admit that the caption to the gorguts nerd pic made me LOL for no real reason.