Monday, July 7, 2008
Cycling And Metal. A Merchandise Marriage Made In Heaven.
In honor of the Tour De France (which started Saturday), Metal Inquisition is proud to bring you a fantastic line-up of products that are sure to both dazzle boggle the mind. What could metal and cycling have in common you ask? That's a perfectly good question actually, but the go-getters at the apparel company Primal Wear are not bothered by such trivial questions, and thank god for that.
I always thought that the hands on the Master Of Puppets cover (I guess those are the hands of "the master") were really awkwardly drawn. They look like a pack of hot dogs, with one cruved kielbasa on each side as a thumb. When they are put on a cycling jersey so close the the person's neck, they look even worse. It looks like someone is giving the person wearing it a massage. Or maybe the hands are trying to strangle the person for being such a douche and actually wearing this shirt.
Nothing says "winner" like Kiss spandex shorts. Let the world know you're a huge idiot, and that you're helping Gene pay for another addition to his 18,000 square foot home. Seriously, is there anything that Kiss wouldn't license? They already have coffins for god's sake. Dimebag Darrell was buried in one, by the way.
If Lance Armstrong had worn this jersey, I think he could have won 8 Tours instead of 7. Note to Eddie: use less hair gel.
I hope to god that those aren't rhinestones on the sleeve. It's like someone got drunk and went nuts with a Bedazzler.
And justice for all? No. There's no justice for the people that will have to look at the 38 year old fat load who's gonna wear this stupid shirt while ridding his cruiser bike on a suburban bike path. I remember being so mad at Metallica for screwing up their logo for this album. Little did I know back then just how much more stuff I'd have to be pissed at them for in years to come.
"RIDE the lightning", RIDE...get it? When you wear this shirt, you can ride as fast as lighting. Oddly enough, people who see you wear this shirt, will hope you get hit by lightning, and die a slow painful death...kinda like Metallica has.