Sacred Cow Barbecue: Some crappy dinosaur metal and other junk

I stole the title of this post from some video game magazine I was reading at Barnes & Noble the other day, I don't remember which one. In any case, if there is anything more fun than making internet metal nerds angry by pointing out how awful their favorite bands are without the aid of nostalgia-tinged, rose colored glasses, I can't think of it.

They looked cooler when they still dressed like this

Morbid Angel
Pete Sandoval may have invented "dee blass beat," but the rest of the band arguably invented generic Florida death metal. To be fair, they do have a few good songs ("Chapel of Ghouls," "Rapture," "God of Emptiness"), but everything else is the most boring, awful shit I have ever heard. I mean this band makes Deaden, Jungle Rot and Waco Jesus seem like brilliant virtuosos! To make matters worse, there are many bands that play Morbid Angel better than Morbid Angel themselves, for example Angelcorpse.

PS I have a Morbid Angel tattoo, lolz @ me.

If you guessed that this was a shot of Carcass playing a squat in Northern England, you're wrong. It's a picture of the bassist for Big Drill Car. But you see, it just as easily could have been Carcass, and that's the problem.

Carcass
Like Terrorizer, this band is worshipped by nerds everywhere. Everyone likes to establish their metal cred with that old saw, "I only like their early stuff!" and say that "Swansong" sucks. However, it is expressly forbidden to point out that even their early albums are basically just limp hard rock, watered down with the melodic parts that would become the entire basis of their style. The truth is that people who like Carcass are pussies that want to pretend they're listening to brutal grindcore but in reality are jamming what amounts to soft rock with a pitch shifter. For example, listen to "Tools of the Trade," which many nerds think is the best Carcass album. It's so full of melody and slow parts that it might as well be fucking Big Drill Car or something (Big Drill Car were way better, though). No slam riffs, dreadlocks, and pink guitars? Sounds pretty false metal to me.

Typical Japanese grindcore fan

Japanese grindcore and hardcore
If you like this destestable genre, chances are good that you wear rapist glasses, still buy vinyl, and beat off to anime snuff porn. And post on the Relapse board. People who are into this stuff also seem to be into all kinds of other creepy/dorky shit like Italian horror movies, Japanese gore movies, pro wrestling, and noise. Oh, and having Asian girlfriends/wives (Japanese is ideal, but they'll settle for any Southeast Asian broad they can lure into their web of creepiness). In general, they just won't shut up about the weird shit they're into and have no ability to detect your complete lack of interest. These losers are truly the bottom of the barrel in the already pathetic world of metal fandom.

You can blame ATG for the existence of this thing

At The Gates
The 90s were full of awful metal bands that played "melodic death metal" like this terrible band, and this decade has been full of even more awful hardcore bands that rip those bands off by playing boring tremolo riffs and screaming in their girl jeans. Also lots of them are Christian, which makes the whole phenomenon that much worse. ATG and the rest of this wretched genre is a botched attempt at combining two things that just don't belong together: melody and death metal.

Even Mr. Cool Ice laughs at Assuck fans like this guy

Assuck
I am pretty sure I've discussed how lame this band is before, but I can really never get enough of it. Assuck was very popular in the 90s with poser hardcore kids that had never heard blast beats and death metal vocals before. Much like when you were in junior high and would sell your soul to have any female human being touch your penis, regardless of how hideously ugly she might be, Assuck fans become giddy at the sound of Rob Procter's weak, gay blast beats because they just don't know any better. You can only imagine how floored they would be by, say, Benediction! And don't even get me started on the rest of this awful genre like Destroy, Resist, His Hero Is Gone, or really third-rate, bottom of the barrel bands like Reversal of Man. Most of the assholes that listened to Assuck in the 90s went on to be in indie rock bands and get Morrissey tattoos.

Metal Inquisition Video Vault: Napalm Death Band Members Discuss The Validity And Specifics Of Double Bass

The debate regarding the validity of double bass, as well as the specifics of its use is as old as time itself. More often than not, however, this debate is in the hands of amateurs with little to no real metal pedigree.

So what happens when members of Napalm Death gather to discuss this very subject while at Morrisound Studios (home of the typewriter bass drum sound)? History is made, that's what happens! Notice that Pete Sandoval's double bass abilities get mocked as being used "for the sake of it." After all, Mick believes that double bass should only be used for power.

Pete always looks like he's about to puke, or melt into a puddle of grease. Or both.

As you watch this, keep in mind that this was recorded as Napalm Death mixed their album "Harmony Corruption." Also note the bickering between Mick and Mitch towards the end. It was this volatile relationship that made the Defecation album so good. Lastly, please check out Scott Burns in the background, rocking some sweet denim shorts.




No one better give me any lip about the fact that the picture above is of a double bass pedal, rather than two single pedals. I couldn't find a proper shot with two Axis pedals in one shot. Deal with it.

Metal Inquisition Video Vault: Napalm Death Checks The Album Mix In Scott Burns' Pick-Up Truck

As a little kid listening to metal, I always thought that for musicians (and others who worked in the metal-music biz), the world was surely filled with both brutality and glamour. An enticing combination for sure.

Then I saw this video...and I quickly became depressed. Watch as members of Napalm Death pile into Scott Burns' sad little pick-up truck to check the album mix for Harmony Corruption. Who knew that death metal guys were so comfortable with their sexuality to pile in so closely in a hot Florida afternoon for a metal sausage party? They look like clowns getting into a tiny car. Clowns who record death metal albums, that is. Shane looks like one of those mushroom characters from Super Mario. If you would have told me when I first heard Napalm Death that this is how death metal was made (in a crap studio by a highway in Florida, using a Mitsubishi truck to check the mix) I would have just given up and turned in the few metal credentials I had at 11 years old.

Watch closely, you don't want to miss:

- Scott Burns' tiny denim shorts
- Studio employee asking if its okay if "a guy from Morbid Angel" stops by
- Coroner sticker on pick-up truck
- Jessee following the notes along with his fingers

Metal Inquisition Video Vault: Napalm Death's Mick Harris. The Man. The Myth. The Trumpet Noises.

Within the world of metal, Mick Harris has always been considered to be a pioneer. Often credited with inventing the "blast beat", Mick was an integral part of Napalm Death during the band's early years.

That's one side of this man. But there is another side. The side that makes stupid trumpet noises for no reason at all, while embarrassing the hell out of his band mates. How much of this stupidity could you take? What the hell is he talking about? I left my idiot to English dictionary at home.

Notice how uncomfortable Barney seems in the first part of the video. I know he's probably thinking "Benediction was an embarrassment, but this jackass and his creepy trumpet noises really put my old band to shame." In the second part of the video poor Shane Embury is probably thinking to himself "Oh boy, he's gonna do his stupid jumping around, trumpet sound thing....I'll hold the mic for him...God how did I get to this point in my life? I was a musical pioneer, now I'm holding the mic for a spazztic douche while looking like a huge fat mushroom"

Generic death metal: the ultimate cure for insomnia

I'm a workaholic, and I've invested a lot in my job emotionally. It can be really rewarding, but sometimes I can't sleep at night. I stay up tossing and turning for hours, worrying about things I have to do the next day or whatever. That's when I turn to bad death metal, my most trusted sleep aid.

30 seconds of Benediction and this could be you!

There really isn't anything that puts me to sleep faster than crappy death metal full of dull tremolo riffs, triggered typewriter drums, generic growling vocals, and of course a Dan Seagrave painting on the cover. Jungle Rot and Deeds of Flesh are like lullabyes to me, slowly putting me to sleep like a mother's tender touch or the gentle rocking of a cradle. The repetitive, bland riffing of bands like Vital Remains, Incantation, General Surgery, or pretty much anything else from the vaults of Century Media, JL America, or Wild Rags soothes me like sipping a glass of warm milk by a crackling fire in an overstuffed recliner, carrying me off to the land of nod on gossamer wings. The mere mention of, say, Insatanity or Desultory makes my eyelids feel like they're made of lead.

Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my afternoon nap. Where's my Agathocles discography?