Monday, June 9, 2008

Metal Inquisition Investigative Report: Metal Real Estate (Part 1)


The United States economy is going into a recession. You've probably heard about it on the news, and you've probably heard that sub-prime loans may be a leading factor in all this. Yes, the real estate bubble is finally bursting. In order to keep our readers up to date on such important matters, we decided to look closely at the homes of some of the leading figures in the metal world. Yes, this is all real information that came from several sources, all of which are up to date and legit. Sorry, I wasn't able to find out which apartment complex members of Immolation live in...but I think I found some interesting ones nevertheless. Let's get started.



Dave Mustaine

Where does our favorite redheaded crybaby rest his weary bones after another long tour made up of night after night of sucking? This roomy estate in Fallbrook California, avocado capital of the world, is his choice. Fallbrook is a northern suburb of San Diego, and is no doubt a very pleasant place to live. Sadly, Mustaine will most likely be moving out since he's getting a divorce and she'll get to keep the house. Look behind the house, to the left of the big tree, there's a small replica of the main house for one of the redheaded Mustaine kids to play in. We can also tell by the fenced grounds that Mustaine enjoys horses. I would pay top dollar for a picture of Mustaine riding a horse.


Thanks to an attentive reader who, after reading this post, did extensive research at the Library of Congress to find this amazing, and seldom seen photo. Said reader has been sent $14 via PayPal, and has been given the opportunity to buy two of my Obituary ticket stubs. Note his amazing form while hugging this fine equestrian specimen. I like that Mustaine is not afraid to show his emotions. This is a guy that will cry on film, and will hug his horsey for the camera. The pants are a little tight...but with a bod like that...why not share it with the world?




Peter Criss

Ah, the cul-de-sac. Is there anything more american? When looking for a home, born again christian, and barely-able-to-keep-time drummer Peter Criss chose this fantastic home in Wall Township New Jersey. Like ALL homes in New Jersey, its only about two blocks away from some type of shipping warehouse. As nice as it is, one quick look at Gene Simmons' house makes it pretty clear which of the two gets the checks for selling Kiss caskets and condoms.





Gene Simmons

Gene's Beverly Hills, 18,000 square foot monstrosity can be seen in his awful reality show. I suppose this is the type of home you buy after ripping off idiots who were dumb enough to buy Kiss pinball machines for years. Gene has been famously quoted as saying that if you don't understand why he needs two Bentley's, you'll never even have one. You have to give it to the guy for his gusto and business savvy. Having said that, this house is tacky as all hell.





Jason Newsted

Jason Newsted always struck me as the most sensible guy in Metallica. I know, that's not saying much. Bu you get my point. It's like the old joke about the Special Olympics. Even if you win, you're still a retard. Why do I say he's more sensible than other Metallica members? Well, he cut his hair first, he was cool enough to growl the vocals for "Whiplash" live, and he was smart enough to leave the band after milking it for what it was worth. Wait, I change my mind. By that measure, the most sensible member of Metallica was Cliff...because he died and cut his losses early on. Back to Jason....yes, he was partially responsible for some pretty awful albums, but he left before that one album where they replaced Lars' snare drum with a bell. As such, it makes sense that he would live in such a simple, straightforward house. While Lars was collecting Basquiat paintings, Jason was saving his money in order to be able to leave the band one day. Smart guy. You know what the greatest thing about this house is? It's where the Echobrain album was recorded! Wow.




Glenn Danzig

I honestly don't understand how this is all that Glenn can afford. Does he have a business manger or an accountant? I know that someone could easily say that I don't understand California real estate, and that this piece of garbage costs a whole lot of money. But jesus, just look at it! What do you see on top of the house? It's a TV antenna, which is clearly visible in other shots I found of the house. He doesn't even have cable!

This house is awesome because it's where that scene in the Danzig home video was taped, the one where he shows you his "various books about death." It was also in this home that he talked about how evil an e-chord is. Yes, the place is overgrown in an effort to show how evil he is, but even with that in mind, its tiny! Man, if there is one way you can show people how evil you are, its by not weeding or keeping up with your yard work. That is the epitome of evil! Look, his neighbor has a 1986 Nissan, so it can't be that nice of a neighborhood. Speaking of cars, all that Glenn can afford is a Jaguar XK8? How pedestrian. He has the same taste in cars as Angela Bower in Who's The Boss.

Also, what's the deal with that red brick wall to the left of his car? Is that a fort to protect himself against water balloons from the neighborhood kids?






Kirk Hammett

Lastly there's Kirk Hammett, the lovable Filipino. Known mostly as the laughable wah pedal-happy lead guitarist of Metallica, Kirk is also a real estate mogul. Not really. Kirk was clearly influenced by Glen Danzig's idea to let ivy grow all over his damn house. The guy has been trying to sell this San Francisco pile of crap for years (12.5 million), but has had no offers. I don't know why that is. After all, this is the house that can be seen in Some Kind Of Monster, which is filled with useless horror movie memorabilia. Just think about it, this is the house where Kirk has spent countless hours crying while Lars and James argued back at the studio. This is the house where he looked in the mirror and said "yeah, I think I'll grow a tiny bicycle skid mustache." For that alone, this house is worth millions.




More metal homes to come soon.

23 comments:

  1. Wow, that was a pretty neat article. For some reason I always thought Danzig still lived at home with his folks. But if he did, I'm sure they would make him mow the grass.

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  2. gracefully aging man on the rangeJune 9, 2008 at 7:35 AM

    I would not be surprised if Danzig's house is an exact 1:1 replica of his parents' house back in New Jersey. It would make perfect sense. He even lives in the basement, with his assorted books about death.

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  3. It's very possible that his parents live in the house, and he's still down in the basement practicing karate, reading comic books and reading his various books on death. when he comes out of the house, he builds forts out of bricks in front of the house. his taste in past times is the same as a 13 year old. the guy is the perfect man-child, down to getting beat up by bullies, as we've all now seen in the infamous video. i almost feel bad for the guy. almost.

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  4. Brilliant. Even the comments are brilliant. I love it.

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  5. Dave Mustaine... "Forclosure of a Dream" indeed.

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  6. Awesome as always. Two related comments--

    My cousin worked as an oft-uncredited engineer at Grandmaster Recording in Hollywood and worked on the Danzig 7 sessions. While in the vocal both, Glen got word of a new shipment of comics arriving at the studio and ran out, grabbed the cardboard box, and spread out on the floor reading like he was a little kid. All in the middle of recording.

    The same cousin then told me a good joke. *Holds up arms above head with hands grabbing imaginary horizontal bars*

    Who am I? Glen Danzig mowing his lawn.

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  7. i love that danzig would put a recording session aside to read comics...all while paying like a grand an hour in studio time. he should pocket some of that money and buy a new house.

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  8. this dude i knew in perth amboy once told me that he knew the exact locations of danzig and jerry only's parents' houses where they grew up. damn, i gotta chase this guy down and get some pics!

    "But if he did, I'm sure they would make him mow the grass."
    comedy genious, john!

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  9. You have to write something about Mike Browning's car and house!
    I've just read an interview where he basically says he's got a better house than the guys in Morbid Angel, and a Pontiac, too.

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  10. fun read. never knew Peter Criss resided down the NJ Parkway.

    far from metal, but Bon Jovi's mother lives in our neighborhood.

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  11. i would love to see that mike browning interview. he drives a pontiac? damn...look at mr fancy.

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  12. I used to live in Danzig's neighborhood, and stories of him and his house were abundant. A buddy of mine was yelled at by Danzig after walking across the front lawn seeking an autograph - he didn't yell at him for trespassing, but was instead pissed that he was wearing a bootleg Misfits shirt.

    A couple years ago the LA Weekly had a cover article about a white kid that converted to Islam. He was talking about his youth spent as a heavy metal enthusiast, and mentioned being chased off the Danzig front yard by the Evil Elf himself, who was wielding a shotgun. I should point out that this is NOT the same dude from SoCal that used to be into death metal and subsequently climbed the ranks in Al-Queda.

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  13. Can we have a post on New Jersey metal?

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  14. This blog makes me wanna quit doing mine. Incredible. Even the comments. So good it makes me sad.

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  15. I had always thought my friend, who I guess really does live near Danzig, was lying about the odd brick wall...

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  16. Doesn't Kirk Hammett have a ranch or something somewhere in Marin County? I seem to remember from Some Kind of Monster (not ready to sit thru it again to confirm, sorry) they showed him there.

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  17. Yeah, Kirk was riding his horsey around his property in the movie. I guess he goes there on weekends or when Lars and James hate each other or when James goes off to Russia to shoot sleepy bears and leaves them there. That's probably the house to rob. It's probably big enough to store all of his metallicash.

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  18. Loved the article ! I wish I could visit Jason sometime ! ^^

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  19. I almost feel bad for all you sorry people. Almost.

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  21. "Anonymous said...

    I almost feel bad for all you sorry people. Almost."


    HAHA! that was Danzig.


    aqua teens made Danzig's house out to be alot cooler.

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  22. SHUT THE FUCK UP ALL OF YOU!!! They've all worked hard to get were their are now. When you sell millions of records across the world, than say whatever the hell you want. Before that happens, SHUT YOUR FUCKING PIE HOLES!!!

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