Friday, May 8, 2009

From Italy with love


As I'm sure absolutely all of our readers know, the Giro D' Italia starts tomorrow. Like me, I know that all of you will be waking up at 9am (6am if you're in the west coast) to watch the Team Time Trial. Why? Because there is nothing more manly or metal than men racing their balls off for the honor of wearing a tight pink shirt. It's for this reason that I'm dedicating this post to Italian metal. If you are going to question the relationship between this blog and sports, don't. Read this first.



Drummers are hard to find, I know this for a fact since I play drums myself. It's for this reason that most bands will lower their standards greatly when it comes to timekeeping duties. Having said that...I think simply getting your retarded cousin who also suffers for cerebral palsy, putting some make-up on his face and plopping him behind the kit is a bit extreme....even for black metal.



Look at the mountains behind these idiots. You know how secretaries and fat suburban women from the midwest dream about living in Tuscany? They don't even know where it is...but it's constantly on their mind...along with Bed and Breakfasts, Myrtle Beach, jalapeño poppers, and Jimmy Buffett. These assholes actually get to live there...but still spend their time writing songs about goblins and trolls. What a waste. Oh, and one last thing. Don't you guys feel like total assholes for having built a 6 foot high stage, when only two people show up to your shows? Also you are violating the number one rule of playing metal live. Your stage should NEVER be taller than your amps. With a stage this high, you'd have to play with full Marshall stacks. I thought everyone knew about this rule! Man, Italy is so backwards!




Mortuary Drape is perhaps the epitome of both Italian stupidity and ingenuity. Just look at their inventive use of this quilty vest from the J. Jill catalog. J. Jill, by the way, is the ideal place to shop if you're a forty year old middle school teacher, or if you play in a laughable Italian band. That brand's reach is truly admirable. If you'd like to read more about Mortuary Drape, check out our post about them here. Why is he waring a purple satin vest you ask? Because the tight pink jersey didn't go with his creepy KKK style mask. Duh. There's one thing you should NEVER question, and that's an Italian man's sense of style.



Why is it ALWAYS the tubby ones that want to take their shirts off. Look at this tub of goo, he's holding his gut in so hard that I can almost hear him whispering "oh my god, did you take the picture yet?" under his breath.



Only in Italy would a fourth-rate death metal band (I bet you anything they cover Chapel Of Ghouls) willingly wear what are basically bell-bottom jeans, all in the name of euro-fashion. Tucked in wife-beater? Only in Italy. But hey, we should all give it up to these guys for not letting metal fashion cramp their suave Italian sensibilities. Rock those jeans boys...rock them! Oh, and to the guy with the flying-v, I'm glad you're wearing your Puma driving slippers. You never know when Jarno Trulli will get hurt, and you may be asked to step in mid-solo.



If you grow up in a miserable place with harsh winters, I understand why you'd get into metal and end up dressing up like a godamned knight everyday. For the record, I felt the same way when I lived in Miami. I would look at myself in the mirror...95 degree heat, and I was wearing a black Entombed long sleeve shirt, black jeans and a mullet. So yes, I was an idiot...but I was like 13, and never ever wore a steel helmet and shin guards. Anyway, when you're from southern Italy...well, let's just say it's beyond me. How on earth do you put this on for your band's photo shoot, and not realize how big of a douche you are? Oh, and you know this kid's mom is super Catholic and will probably throw out his shield anyday now, as she angrily screams "Diavolo! Diavolo!"




So I've criticized the guy above for wearing armor and waving his shield around the warm and fertile hills of southern Itally...but I have not yet offered a worthwhile alternative for him to consider. May I suggest Italian cyclist and international playboy Mario Cipollini. This guy is proof that you can be plenty happy, bang tons of girls and still keep some metal street cred by rocking a fantastic greasy perm. Oh, and let's not forget the mighty zebra stripes. Even Ted Nugent was jealous of his Acqua & Sapone kit.

"Would any of you ladies fancy a bit of bubbly from this strategically placed bottle?"


Does he seriously need the suspenders?


To our metal friends in Italy I say, try this look. Why not? What's the worst thing that can happen, perhaps you'll be asked by Living Colour to join them in a reunion show, all due to your understanding of day-glo colors and skin tight clothing. That's not so bad, is it? You'd still be involved in black metal. Oh.....easy joke, and a bad one. I know. Sorry. Thanks to AC for coming up with that joke 15 years ago.




I could try really hard to write something funny, something that would be devastating and nearly bring this man-child to tears...but in reality, it would pale in comparison to the hell his mom will give him once she comes home and sees that upside down cross on his forehead. Having spent some time in Italy, and having met my Italian friend's mothers (I'm looking your way Mr Gene Hoglan's Balls), there's one thing I've learned: don't fuck with an Italian mother. Period. I don't care how many bullet belts you have, I don't care how grim you are, I don't care how many denim vests you have, I don't care how many gas masks you hang from you belt. Just don't do it. How do I know? I'm from South America...the motherland of Catholic guilt and overbearing mothers. Trust me.



Man, the drummer always gets the shaft. The guitar player and the bass player get to take their instruments for a walk in the woods...the drummer never gets to bring anything other than his drumsticks. Sorry to point this out yet again, but if you think these guys look extreme, you should see the picture that was taken only seconds after this one. As they were standing in the woods, their Italian mothers found them and gave them all brutal thrashings with an extension cords and empty pans of lasagna.




If you've ever been involved with a TV or film shoot, you've probably often heard the phrase "we'll fix it in post", which means that the image or audio can be enhanced, changed or fixed after the fact in post-production. I can just see this evil teenager saying the same thing: "Ah damn-ah, I forgot-ah to bring-ah the blood-ah I was going to put all over myself...oh well, we'll just fix it in post-ah*", by which he meant he would simply use the Airbrush tool in Photoshop.

* These "ahs" are my humorous way of mocking the Italian accent.




No single backdrop speaks about the horrors of humanity, the sadness and grim existance we all endure, and man's inhumanity to man like Italy does. I mean, just look at this grim picture! Doesn't it just make you angry, like you want to sing battle hymns for satan and wear black metal make-up on the beach? Oh that's right...it doesn't. All it should really make you think about is laying on the beach, and going shopping for high Italian fashion, much like the Grisswalds did (see below). If anyone points out that Italy is oppressive because of it's catholic guilt and the Vatican...I say get over it. Millions of people seem to get by just fine. Seeing these pictures of metal dorks makes me want to fly over there and shake them until they barf.







These guys were about to drive off into the woods to do their shoot. Everything was going well, until the singer suddenly yells out "Oh shit-ah, did anyone remember to pack my Nazi uniform and hat?" the drummer says "I knew you'd forget it...ha ha, don't worry. I remembered to pack it along with my bullet belts. I got you man." That, readers, is true friendship. A guy who remembers to pack your classy nazi uniform is a friend for life.




You know how Hitchock used Hershey's chocolate syrup as blood for the shower scene in Psycho, since it was shot in black and white? Well, guess what these guys use for their make up? Spaghetti sauce. Crazy huh?





Electrical tape around his fingertips? Is he like the Michael Jackson of black metal? Why does he parade around construction sites with a ballpoint pen around his neck? As always, black metal photography gives us more questions than answers. In case you were wondering, this picture is proof of something I've commented on before many times. Time travel does in fact exist. Just look at those Reebok hi top sneakers! Put the keys to the Nocturnus time machine down, all you need is a plane ticket to Italy. By the way, I'm bummed to see that more and more European countries are starting to use American building standards. Using wooden 2x4's in European construction (along with drywall) seems sacrilegious. Maybe that's why this guy is posing in this construction site...it's the most unholy thing ever to be built in Italy!


A whole post about horrible things from Italy, and I didn't even mention Cripple Bastards once! Hooray for me!

_________________________________________________________________
Before anyone out there responds to my hilarious commentary about Italians by mocking Americans, let me remind you that I'm not an American. I too know that most Americans look like this:

And I also know that these kids, American as they may be, look like Billy Milano, who has Italian blood (which is thick as gravy) running through his stupid fat body. It's a complicated subject.

Speaking of Milano, are you craving even more Italian content? Today is your lucky day, and not just because the Giro starts tomorrow! Check out some past posts about this very controversial subject.

- Our post about Billy Milano's stage banter.
- Check out the post about Billy Milano banging broads on the road.
- Do you like horrible bands? Have you heard about Death SS?
- Would you like to see the house that a prominent Italian-American demi star like Joey DeMaio lives in? Ever wonder how much other Manowar band members paid for their homes? Read up.
-Do you love Lars Ulrich's dad, but also love roman Catholicism? You're in luck.

45 comments:

  1. Freakin' funny. You make the highlight of trying day. Thank you. I love to be black metal in any other place than New Jersey. This state is a reason to be Black metal and still look and feel like an asshole. HMFL!

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  2. Funny post. I agree with you about Italy's climate not really being able to produce BM bands. Hot sun and black clothing don't mix. I can't really think of any decent ones except the almighty Monumentum, who aren't really BM anyway.

    Mind you, it is the country that produced Dante's Inferno.

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  3. Hilarious stuff, Lucho.

    That 'shopped dude is the most confounding of all. What the fuck is that supposed to represent? Measles? Smallpox?

    ... A spray of AIDS?

    Yeah, sunny weather and burst-like diction ain't exactly conducive to BM. That knight dude is probably sweating like a pig in there. On the other hand, Italy is responsible for countless landmark slasher flicks and horror scores. There's gotta be something vile in those aqueducts.

    Speaking of GG Allin, check out the verification code.

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  4. Chris, maybe someone sneezed pasta sauce on him? Evil pasta sauce, of course.

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  5. Lucho is Bike Snob NYC!
    i'v always thought their prose style and knowledge of Morbid Angel and Mario Cippollini was far too much of a coincidence.

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  6. Ha ha... you caught me!

    I'll take that as a complement.

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  7. Me is a greasy wop, yet me is hella amused by today's offering. Keep up the good work.

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  8. A group of black metal men in the woods; none of whom look like can run very fast or know the rudiments of woodlore survival. Why has no one made a cheap slasher flick based on this? Let’s see them trying to summon up the lord of darkness when they’re being chased around the woods Deliverance style. They could even have a power chord vs banjo face off.

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  9. BastaConLaDroga, glad you liked it. Come on, you know the part about the moms is true.

    Darley, starting a script right now.

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  10. Lucho: Let’s write it and get it to Cannes. A Black Metal band, two guitars, one cigarette lighter a nazi uniform and a bunch of fucking freaks; that’s got Palme d’Or written all over it. Have already just sketched a picture of four corpse painted faces peering out of the tent flaps.

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  11. It *IS* true.

    Right now I'm going through the Death SS post. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, good stuff there, too. 'Twas about time someone called things by their name, hey! It's like... everybody's praising them clowns over here, oh please... give me a break. Let's face it: all us wops can be into metal, and have our room filled with shitloads of imported cd's and all that, BUT Italian metal will always suck hairy arse, it's just not our thing.

    Good job, guys.

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  12. My wish for this "Giro d'Italia 2009" is to see Lance "Drughéé" Armstrong falling and breaking every bone.

    Anyway, I agree, Italian metal scene was, is and always shall be forgettable...but so are spanish and french scenes.

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  13. Frank, you're right. For the most part French and Spain have had little to no major input in metal. Spanish bands had some impact in South American scenes (Baron Rojo anyone)...but it's amazing how these are western european countries who were asleep at the wheel. Oh, and if anyone brings up Trust as an example of French metal...i'll dry heave. Yes I know the french have black metal bands blah blah...but when you compare it to other countries around there, its crazy.

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  14. hey, what's wrong with cripple bastards?

    can't go wrong aggro from constant acid reflux flare ups

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  15. Being italian and being from Tuscany, I really blasted my ass off laughing hard as shit. Our metal scene is totally retard, there's no way to deny it. But most of the press, sadly, praises whatever retard just because it's italian. Think about the eighties, when bands where even worse - Astaroth, Death SS, Adramelch... all suckers, and not "because they have no budget, otherwise..."

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  16. French scene does have nothing to offer?...Go Fuck yourselves!!Deathspell Omega, Armaggedon,Aosoth,Arkhon Infaustus and Kronos for example are strong and striving French bands that kick seriously ass!!You fucking wimps do not maybe realize that!!!!!

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  17. I'm italian, but apart from my own bands (I recorded several CDs, and obviously sometimes I happen listening to them all alone, by phones and closed in my basement!) the only italian band I ever really listened was Electrocution.

    I know there are classic extreme bands, like Schizo, Bulldozer or Necrodeath, but they're equal to France's Loudblast, Agressor, Massacra: pretty inconsistent when Germany, northern Europe and Holland bred a bunch of killer bands.
    I don't recall spanish bands...Heroes del silencio, someone?

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  18. Braden, glad you liked it. Haven't heard from you in a while. I figured you'd be one of the few people out there who would fully enjoy the Cipollini pictures.

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  19. Someone beat me to the Bike Snob reference. The more cycling you work in to this blog, the better.

    Amazing work.

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  20. First i must say that i am wearing a "shirt with a stretched out neck" and it is pissing me off.

    second, this is the funniest damn post on here in a long time. just when i think you guys are getting tired, you kick my ass again.

    "Your stage should NEVER be taller than your amps. With a stage this high, you'd have to play with full Marshall stacks". this is so fucking funny. those guys fall into a category i like to call SMALL AMP METAL. bands that think they are "heavy" or "brutal" but play out of tiny combo amps.

    I have to disagree with the france comment. There have been some really cool bands: Mutiilation, Vlad Tepes, Torgeist, Vermyapre Kommando, Blut Aus Nord...there are some really cool french bands.

    Italian metal might suck, but show some serious respect for Italian hardcore: Indigesti, Wretched, Raw Power, Negazione.

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  21. Savage...I'm a total poser, I don't really know about the french bands you mentioned. I Suuuuuuuck.

    I agree, small amp metal should be a genre. Which reminds me of the first "gig" I played in. Borrowed drumset, and the guitar players and bass players each had practice amps with with maybe 8" speakers. We were musical pioneers. At least we didn't really play on a stage..more like a deck behind a house. which was only about four inches high. It all added up.

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  22. Ufomammut is also great from Italy. Awesome stoner/doom/sludge.

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  23. Zorba, you KNOW that's how it has always worked.
    Italian press will go as far as praising, say, Mogol's latest pile of shit just because he's italian and metal press will always support any crappy manowar copycat.
    It's no wonder that italian metal press sucks eggs and so does italo metal.

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  24. I was wondering if you'd mention Cripple Bastards... TTT tomorrow is going to be good. Stoked Universal Sports is running it live in the States. http://www.universalsports.com/

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  25. Lucho,
    you would probably hate all the bands that i mentioned.

    i think SMALL AMP METAL should be another tag/genre for MI. hell, you could even do an entire post about small amp metal!

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  26. Great post. Since it was mentioned in the post I thought i'd ask: Does anyone agree with me that Chapel of Ghouls is overated? I've heard interviews where people say that song really inspired them but it just dosen't do anything for me. Am I missing something.

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  27. "Chapel of ghouls" is a good song...but "Altars of madness" definitely features better songs like "Immortal rites" or "Suffocation".

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  28. I like 'Bleed for the Devil' or better still 'Lord of all Fevers and Plagues' bonus track. That's the best song Morbid angel ever did, right there... 'Chapel of Ghouls' still rules though. Ahh fuck it the whole album rules. Except 'Maze of Torment'...

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  29. Maze of Torment is my favourite track on the album. I've recently been listening to the albums Blessed are the Sick and Covenant and I'd say I prefered them to Altars.

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  30. The second to last picture (not counting the fat kid at the end): corpse paint AND urban camo pants?

    Are they black metal or a bunch of Mushroomhead fans?

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  31. dude just got on to your blog from some random hip hop blog... always loved metal and this last post is some of the funniest shit i ever read... keep doin it man

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  32. Mike-

    Urban camo is troo, because he is At War With Satan. He doesn't want to get forgiven by the Christians when he comes down out of the forest into the city.

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  33. As for examples of Continental Euro metal, I enjoy Gorod and Kronos. Those Frenchies seem like they're getting it together. I can't really say the same for Spain or Italy.

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  34. James, glad you liked it! I'll have to look and see what hip hop blog linked to ours. interesting.

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  35. Anyone remember the band Reprisal? They released some pretty solid, "holy-terror" inspired stuff in the late 90s.

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  36. Classy post, thought id hit up encyclopaedia metallum and look up italy, 3675 bands who'd have thunk.

    One thing can be said for italians they sure can name a band! Air Sickness Bag for one being both awesomely retarded and making an awesome logo that reminded me of abruptum sweet, theres even a band called Wop. I think the sarge may want to check out Engorgement in Veins sounds like his sort of thing.

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  37. I'm really touched by this, Lucho!
    You managed to put in the same post a photo of the only band in which I ever played (the one with the guy with driving slippers) and one of a band that hails from my small hometown (the syrup drenched satanists)

    By the way: great blog! When I discovered it, I spent a sunday afternoon reading it from first post to last. Yes, I'm that retarded.
    MI is a haven for aging metalheads!

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  38. Isn't Gojira french? Ok, they aren't black metal, but it counts...right?

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  39. This post is really excellent .

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