The Many Faces of Varg Vikernes

Varg Vikernes, AKA "Count Grishnackh," is a complicated man. Best known for being the mastermind behind Burzum, burning churches, and murdering Mayhem guitarist Euronymous, he has become synonymous with the Norwegian black metal scene. A controversial figure for almost two decades, Varg's views on pagan religions, nationalist politics, and Lord of the Rings have been furiously debated on message boards across the internet. Being that we're actually all gainfully employed and well-educated here at Metal Inquisition we couldn't care less what this inbred retard thinks, we're more interested in making fun of how stupid he looks. As such I've decided to take a photographic journey through the years and examine the many fascinating fashion choices of Norway's most notorious black metal son.

As you can see, things began innocently enough for young Varg. He looks just like your average metal fan, though there is something a little unsettling about the fact that his left eye is considerably smaller than his right eye. Quite an extravagant mane he's got! Judging by the spectacular shine I'd say he uses Pantene Pro-V shampoo and conditioner. Killer VON shirt! 

Once you start wearing chainmail and carrying around a sword in public you've officially crossed over to the next level. Notice, however, the laid-back, blase demeanor. I call this look "casual viking." 

The escalation of style continues. The spiked mace, body armor, and GLOVES OF METAL really push this outfit over-the-top. The scowl and battle stance almost make him look intimidating, but he's still nowhere near as frightening as Rob Darken of Graveland.  

Typical black metal warrior fare. Tight black jeans, black long-sleeve band t-shirt, and hastily-applied corpse paint. This is a great look for when you're onstage performing. 

In October 2003 Varg was granted a short leave from prison (they're such nice people those Norwegians, letting killers out of prison to stretch their legs for a bit). He was found driving a stolen Volvo containing the following: an unloaded AG3 automatic rifle, a handgun, numerous large knives, a gas mask, camouflage clothing, a laptop, a compass, a Global Positioning System, various maps and a fake passport. This is what I imagine he looked like when he was caught.

Varg can't sing for shit. It's no wonder he didn't make it past the auditions. He looks great in a suit though. Sort of looks like he could be the Norwegian Morrissey. 

Varg's really excited about his new Hitler Youth look. I don't blame him because, personally, I think he's never looked better! The crew cut, fucked up teeth, weird scar on his face, and military green button up shirt would make any aspiring nationalist jealous.  

For a Norwegian guy Varg can really pull off the white trash meth dealer from Nebraska look. It's all about the feathered hair and unkempt beard combo. That shit is timeless.  

A slight variation on the white trash meth dealer from Nebraska look, you'll notice that Varg has gone through the trouble of braiding his goatee. He's got a strong chin, so he can pull it off, but personally I would have gone with rubber bands in tribute to the great Captain Lou Albano. I love it when people wear their own band's shirt.

By this point we've come full circle and Varg appears to have completely embraced the redneck, white trash aesthetic pioneered in rural areas across the continental United States. Long gone is the chainmail-wearing, mace-wielding youthfulness of yore. All that's left is a grizzled veteran of prison rape.  

I leave you with a few words of wisdom straight from the horse's mouth. A little something to think about, but don't think too hard on it. Your brain might explode.