Thursday, May 1, 2008

The Many Faces of Varg Vikernes

Varg Vikernes, AKA "Count Grishnackh," is a complicated man. Best known for being the mastermind behind Burzum, burning churches, and murdering Mayhem guitarist Euronymous, he has become synonymous with the Norwegian black metal scene. A controversial figure for almost two decades, Varg's views on pagan religions, nationalist politics, and Lord of the Rings have been furiously debated on message boards across the internet. Being that we're actually all gainfully employed and well-educated here at Metal Inquisition we couldn't care less what this inbred retard thinks, we're more interested in making fun of how stupid he looks. As such I've decided to take a photographic journey through the years and examine the many fascinating fashion choices of Norway's most notorious black metal son.



As you can see, things began innocently enough for young Varg. He looks just like your average metal fan, though there is something a little unsettling about the fact that his left eye is considerably smaller than his right eye. Quite an extravagant mane he's got! Judging by the spectacular shine I'd say he uses Pantene Pro-V shampoo and conditioner. Killer VON shirt! 


Once you start wearing chainmail and carrying around a sword in public you've officially crossed over to the next level. Notice, however, the laid-back, blase demeanor. I call this look "casual viking." 


The escalation of style continues. The spiked mace, body armor, and GLOVES OF METAL really push this outfit over-the-top. The scowl and battle stance almost make him look intimidating, but he's still nowhere near as frightening as Rob Darken of Graveland.  



Typical black metal warrior fare. Tight black jeans, black long-sleeve band t-shirt, and hastily-applied corpse paint. This is a great look for when you're onstage performing. 



In October 2003 Varg was granted a short leave from prison (they're such nice people those Norwegians, letting killers out of prison to stretch their legs for a bit). He was found driving a stolen Volvo containing the following: an unloaded AG3 automatic rifle, a handgun, numerous large knives, a gas mask, camouflage clothing, a laptop, a compass, a Global Positioning System, various maps and a fake passport. This is what I imagine he looked like when he was caught.


Varg can't sing for shit. It's no wonder he didn't make it past the auditions. He looks great in a suit though. Sort of looks like he could be the Norwegian Morrissey. 


Varg's really excited about his new Hitler Youth look. I don't blame him because, personally, I think he's never looked better! The crew cut, fucked up teeth, weird scar on his face, and military green button up shirt would make any aspiring nationalist jealous.  



For a Norwegian guy Varg can really pull off the white trash meth dealer from Nebraska look. It's all about the feathered hair and unkempt beard combo. That shit is timeless.  



A slight variation on the white trash meth dealer from Nebraska look, you'll notice that Varg has gone through the trouble of braiding his goatee. He's got a strong chin, so he can pull it off, but personally I would have gone with rubber bands in tribute to the great Captain Lou Albano. I love it when people wear their own band's shirt.



By this point we've come full circle and Varg appears to have completely embraced the redneck, white trash aesthetic pioneered in rural areas across the continental United States. Long gone is the chainmail-wearing, mace-wielding youthfulness of yore. All that's left is a grizzled veteran of prison rape.  


I leave you with a few words of wisdom straight from the horse's mouth. A little something to think about, but don't think too hard on it. Your brain might explode. 

40 comments:

  1. I knew it would take someone with the high mental capacity that is the norm here at M.I. to look into this very important subject.

    note that the scar on his face seems to have happened once he was put in jail. i wonder what inmate cut his face up while raping him.

    the shaved head look is popular with the artistic community. look, you can even buy a shirt with that picture on it!
    http://burntwoodstudio.com/gallery/25.html

    ReplyDelete
  2. i take it back. the scar was always there, probably from swinging medieval weapon around his mom's apartment after he was told not to do so indoors.
    "varg, i swear to Loki...if you don't put that thing down..you're gonna cut your face up. take it outside!"

    ReplyDelete
  3. whoa wait...is that pic above the .gif the most recent pic of Varg? WTF...dude has AGED in the last 5 years...looks like that boss "The End" from Metal Gear Solid 3...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh Varg, the man that inspired thousands of losers with highly overrated and boring music.

    Strid was always way better at what Burzum did than Burzum was, but Strid wasn't the project of press-whoring idiot like Varg, so I suppose that's why there's so obscure compared to him. Also they never burned down a church or stabbed their own bandmate 23 times, most of which were in the back (which can then somehow be translated to self defense). That helps too.

    ReplyDelete
  5. i've never heard strid, i'll have to check them out. i'm not a huge fan of norwegian black metal, but i love the first couple burzum albums. he's inspired SO much shitty music to be made though. especially the past couple of years it seems like just about every black metal band is playing boring mid tempo depressive shit. i wish more people would rip off profanatica instead.

    ReplyDelete
  6. you have to remember that the stabwounds on his back were not really stabwounds at all, but from glass that he fell on after he tore down some lamps in the stairs. uh......or so he says.

    damn, i wish i could get the time i spent reading "lords of chaos" and interviews with with this nutsack back. sadly, those hours are gone. gone i tell you. all i'm left with is knowledge about this, and the memory of that one crappy picture of the record store Helvet...in which you can see Earache releases...though the store was not supposed to sell such crap....because black metal is way against death metal bands wearing shorts. for real.

    ReplyDelete
  7. sweatpants will always be cooler than leather pants.

    ReplyDelete
  8. "For a Norwegian guy Varg can really pull off the white trash meth dealer from Nebraska look."

    Yes. Awesome. Another great post.

    Varg's spooky video game keyboard music is amazing. Seriously.

    (Worst shit ever put to disc and re-released time and time again for no apparent reason whatsoever? What?)

    ReplyDelete
  9. there's a little beard-phase brad pitt to his look on that bearded pic (where's he gazing pensively into the distance).

    the post was hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Wow. Making fun of Varg now? What's next? Groundbreaking stuff, guys.

    ReplyDelete
  11. The best part of this post is how it never comes close to being chronological. Nice touch.

    As for the Burzum vs. Strid issue, what the fucking hell kind of ridiculous nonsense comparison is that? That's the silliest shit I've heard in years. Strid doesn't come close to sounding even remotely like Burzum at any point, and were overlooked because they were largely overlookable and a had sub-zero revisitation factor. Add to this that the band was FORMED in 1993 (that's two years after the Burzum debut and a good five years after the formation of the band) and released their only seven inch in 1994, this dinglewit comment is moot like a pack of corpsed Australian inbreds on a field trip in the Ruhr area. Do you spend a lot of time commenting on various blogs heralding this band? Are you on Kyrck's street team? Jesus Christ...

    ReplyDelete
  12. oh no! we've been invaded by black metal street teams! this is going to negate any validity the blog has ever had. damnit all to hell. you put this much work into something, and it gets ruined.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Damn, my secret is out that I'm street teaming for a decades old and split up BM band. Shit. How will I ever get my miniscule street cred back?

    But seriously, calm down. It's all in good fun.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hey, don't get me wrong. I can't understand how Black Sabbath got anywhere when Saint Vitus did the same thing better.

    ReplyDelete
  15. He looks like Jamie Hyneman from MythBusters, all the way down to the barely hidden latent homosexuality.

    ReplyDelete
  16. YEA D00DS LETS MAKE FUN OF VARG N CALL H1M SHITTY S0 EVERY1 WILL THINK WE R UBER KVLT!!11!!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. "VARG SVCKS" because we ARE cooler than Vargie Wargie, aka "Sweet Cheeks" by his jail mate girls friends :D

    ReplyDelete
  18. I LOVE VARG AND BURZUM! HE INSPIRED ME INTO BLACK METAL!! I LOVE IT!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. I LOVE YOU VARG!!

    ReplyDelete
  20. "Being that we're actually all gainfully employed and well-educated here at Metal Inquisition we couldn't care less what this inbred retard thinks..."

    Well-educated? Were this true you would have the intellectual prowess to see the hypocrisy that is inherent in thinking Varg is an "inbred retard" just because he is a nationalist and racialist when you're more then happy to give the green light to bands that are misogynist imbeciles. If you had the brains to attend university and actually bothered to read peer reviewed literature instead of the inane psuedo-intellectual outpourings of your brainless friends maybe you would be capable of understanding how sexism and heterosexism are just as deplorable and stupid as being a racist. You people that go on and on about Varg because of his political views while happily listening to the music of misogynist and homophobic dickheads have to be the biggest hypocrites on the planet. Well-educated? Is that why there isn't an ounce of academic discourse within your inane "analysis" of Burzum? Is that why you sound like the average white, bourgeois male adolescent who thinks his hatred of racists makes him "smart" while he remains an uneducated fool who is complacent when it comes to misogyny and to homophobia? Looking at the bands celebrated on this site your "inbred retard" comment is ironic at best. You're a hypocrite.

    ReplyDelete
  21. John Omenhiser,

    Your inane comment is homophobic which makes you just as bad as any racist.

    You people have to be some of the dumbest fuckwits on the planet. You hate a guy because he is a racist and yet you hate homosexuals. You are a fucking hypocrite and an idiot.

    ReplyDelete
  22. like, what the f#ck.
    i don't see pictures of the author of this article here. it's so easy to anonymous make fun of people on the internet. kind of pathetic, isn't it?

    ReplyDelete
  23. you know you're a poser when you post hate blogs about metal musicians

    ReplyDelete
  24. varg is just fine and the author smells like rotting fart salami.

    (ps - i heard about what happened the other day, twinkletits)

    ReplyDelete
  25. I think this guy looks pretty good in most of these pictures. I like the scar. all he's gotta do in clean up the beard and he's fine.

    ReplyDelete
  26. hurr look guys im makin fun of varg no ones ever done this before hopefully now this blog becomes famous hurr

    ReplyDelete
  27. Funny post thing, the compliments about some of his looks were really funny, but you people are missing out on some bad ass music.

    I ignored burzum because everyone hates it, but my friend showed me some of it and i was surprised how metal it was.

    ReplyDelete
  28. if u run a website about metal your not metal at all, your a fucking nerdy faggit who watches concerts on youtube instead of going to them yourself, go experience metal instead of "blogging" about it like a 13 yr old girl

    ReplyDelete
  29. I find it really funny how all the people are getting butthurt.

    Face it, Varg is a TOTALLY INSANE AND RIDICULOUS FIGURE.

    Great music, ridiculous person, ridiculous politics.

    ReplyDelete
  30. yeah too many little pc fags out there seem to think hating a guy who has a different is ok . well its hipocritical ,. varg should love all races and people but i can hate who i want and why i want . get over yourselves you weak little poofters . i find it very ammusing that people think hating people with political opinions is so good and that it makes them a better person but all they are doing is judging and also jumping on a bandwagon without knowing what your own opinion is . do any of you cunts know what varg is really about . do you even know what national socialism is ,because i dare say you all have a dash of national pride and would hate to see your own home nation ruined by idiotic ideas. fuck your mouth up sluts

    ReplyDelete
  31. AW LOOK AT ALL THESE TRENDY BURZUM FANS DEFENDING VARG! BAWWW GET THE FUCK OVER IT.

    ReplyDelete
  32. wtf @ article, wtf @ most comments...
    some people should watch "until the light takes us" and the burzum bonus shit... burzum is timeless. imho he is more sane than most of the faggy anon kids. i mean who, other than kids gives a fuck about trends really....especially as a black metal consumer..

    ReplyDelete
  33. "Being that we're actually all gainfully employed and well-educated here at Metal Inquisition"

    Yet, you are not above insults like "inbred retard" and taking on the role of the metal fashion police.

    Sounds like you do shit all at work and it doesn't seem like you need an education to refer to somebody as a "redneck meth dealer".

    You guys are clearly the epitome of journalism.

    Signed,
    A fellow, young music journalist who feels like her IQ dropped 20 points after reading this "article".

    ReplyDelete
  34. dont quit your day job. you cant write for shit.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Burzum kills it! And the author of this blog is a schmuck. There were some really good posts here about the double standard. And who said "Varg should love all people"? That's so dumb. Varg is right in his political views. I agree with him. Globalization is destroying Europe. Is anyone going to try and dispute that? Please try.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Congratulations on making an amazing post... Terrible attempt at looking funny and talking shit about Varg and also a large pack of retards in the comments, wow.

    ReplyDelete
  37. you know shit about varg...You're all a Bunch of fucking idiots...

    ReplyDelete
  38. WHEN THE LIGHT TAKES USSSS!!!!!!!

    nbsgesignkesngjsekgjnsejkgbkensjk

    rwoar11```!!!!! /zombiefaceee

    American Nihilistic Underground Society Yes Anus dot com Get ready for the fall and decline of the prosperity of the west just like the roman empire before it and say goodbye to your precious freedoms and hello to a totalitarian world dictatorship reign that theres no coming out of! fleshy viruses the lot of us! Black Metal Gods, Heil fucking Satan!! BG /wrists

    ReplyDelete
  39. WHEN THE LIGHT TAKES USSSS!!!!!!!

    nbsgesignkesngjsekgjnsejkgbkensjk

    rwoar11```!!!!! /zombiefaceee

    American Nihilistic Underground Society Yes Anus dot com Get ready for the fall and decline of the prosperity of the west just like the roman empire before it and say goodbye to your precious freedoms and hello to a totalitarian world dictatorship reign that theres no coming out of!! fleshy viruses the lot of us! Black Metal Gods, Heil fucking Satan!! BG /wrists

    ReplyDelete