Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Scene archetypes: People who annoy me

You can say what you want about us here at Metal Inquisition. You can call us assholes, posers, old, whatever- and you'd probably be right. But don't ever say that we don't love you, because we do. We are here to help, like true friends. One of the toughest parts about being a friend is telling your friends when they are being a retard. It's tough, but you have to! With that in mind, we are willing to bet that the majority of you guys are retards, and the best thing we can do for you is to help you identify it so you can start to correct your problem. Admitting it is the first step. This is far from a comprehensive list of all the annoying d-bags in the scene, but it should get you started.

"I love Jesu!!"

The Beardo/Relapse Dork
Let's start with an easy target. You know this guy... he says shit like "Dude I just got the new Gridlink 11" EP on 180 gram colored vinyl, it's a Japan-only, hand-numbered limited edition of 1. They haven't even written it yet, but I have it. It's amazing!!"* Please note how much they love to call things "amazing." It's a good example of how the defining characteristic of the Beardo is that they are way too fucking enthusiastic about the dumb shit they are into and won't shut up about it because they are socially awkward dorks who have no ability to detect your complete lack of interest in their nerdy bullshit (such as obscure black metal).

Also, you can be a Beardo without actually having a beard, although of course that makes you even more of an asshole if you do have one. The beard is merely a symbol that you have no ability to understand how the world sees you, because if you did you would throw yourself on a sword in shame before you had time to get out the trimmer.

Psyopus: Do they have a noise side-project?? If not, that's the only thing that could make them bigger Relapse Dorks.

Then there is the Beardo's kissing cousin, the Relapse Dork. The differences are subtle, with the main one being that the Relapse Dork is like half Wanker, half Beardo. Rather than beating off to pictures of obscure Hydra Head releases like Beardos, they follow Brutal Truth around on tour, collecting Dan Lilker's pubes that fall off onto the rims of the urinals in venue restrooms and saving them in plastic baggies so they can brag about it on the Relapse board while they gush about the Human Remains demo.

* I stole the "they haven't even written it yet, but I have it" line from Lifesucksdie #3


I was trying to find a more original picture than Mosh Girl, but, well, it pretty much says it all. See how grossed out everybody is when girls try to act like boys??

The Tuff Girl
She's so different from all the other girls!! She's just like one of the guys!! She's up front at all the shows moshing her, uh, balls off! Don't treat her like a girl or she will punch you in the face because she's tuff! See, she has a Terror shirt and brass knuckle necklace to prove it! You can also tell from her chest piece and surly, unfriendly demeanor. I knew a girl like this back in the day. I went to like Taco Bell or something with her, and was about to sit down when she told me, "Wait let's sit over there, I don't like sitting with my back to the door." I laughed and said, "Who the fuck are you, Billy The Kid?!" Anyway, these girls suck because they are like the worst of both worlds: all the annoying parts about dudes in the mannish body of an ugly girl.

If you want to show all the boys that you like punk, this is a much better option than trying to be tuff. Just smile and hold my coat while I dance.

Look, I get it... girls can listen to metal and hardcore too. Nothing wrong with that. I hung out with this 22 year-old girl last week who was listening to Old Man's Child while she drove me around in her Acura (this really happened). But ladies, you really don't have to try as hard as Tuff Girl if all you want is male approval because your daddy didn't love you enough. Just stand around looking cute and giggling demurely at my jokes, that's all I ask of you.


He looks so happy, willfully ignorant that Fear Factory ever released an album after Demanufacture

Mr. Old School
You could rightly accuse some of us here at Metal Inquisition of being Mr. Old School- probably everybody except me, since I mostly listen to Forever The Sickest Kids, not metal. To Mr. Old School, they stopped making good metal records somewhere between 1992 and 1994 and anything else is trendy garbage and/or simply flew under their radar.

For example, I told Lucho a few years ago that "Don't Care" was one of the best Obituary songs. "Hmm, I don't think I know that one," he said. I told him it was from "World Demise" and he said "Oh, well I never heard their newer albums," and I was like "Dude that shit came out in like '94." You see how frustrating it is to deal with Mr. Old School?? It's like talking to your grandparents who think Eisenhower is still president and ask you who is going to be on Johnny Carson tonight. As far as Lucho is concerned, metal died when they stopped publishing The Wild Rag... my friend, the world keeps turning.

I'll be honest, this photo has nothing to do with Mr. Old School... but wtf? Why so serious?

Mr. Old School isn't really annoying, just disappointing. He just stopped trying. And I get that: at some point music isn't really the center of your life anymore, especially metal. But Mr. Old School is like the dude who gets married, then instantly gets fat and never wears anything but sweat pants. Sure, he can let down his hair a bit because who does have to impress, but his wife is like "This isn't the guy I married!" and walks out on his ass. I'll never walk out on Lucho, but I do wish he would buy jeans from H&M or Forever 21 instead of the Gap and Old Navy (that's not a joke, it's seriously where he gets his jeans). He could probably wear size 4 girl jeans without too many problems.


Thanks to ironic hipsters, these kids look like they should be in a band that's opening for Atreyu

The Dinosaur Rocker
Did you know there are people in the 2K9 that actually listen to Manowar, Iron Maiden, Saxon, Keel, and other shit that I am pretty sure Confederate soldiers jammed on the way to do battle in the civil war?? It's true, they are called Dinosaur Rockers. An even more decrepit and out of touch version of Mr. Old School, they are frozen in time like so many denim-vested insects in amber. Like the doddering fossils that shamble through the halls of nursing homes, waiting to die, Dinosaur Rockers have no idea where they are or what's happening around them. I can't even laugh at them, all I can do is shake my head in pity, hoping that the lord will call their souls home soon.

You don't have to be old to be a Dinosaur Rocker, just boring and weird

Look, I don't expect everybody to be into Winds of Plague or whatever else is trendy at the moment (although to be fair they are some 2K8.5 shit so already kind of played out), but I seriously don't understand how anybody can non-ironically listen to Bathory, Venom, Accept or whatever. I'm sure those bands were great in 1982 because everything else was wretched at the time, but that shit sounds so lame when you listen to it today. Dinosaur metal sucks!! It's so boring and slow, it sounds like something my mom would listen to. I can just imagine her coming home from the mall, Van Morrisson/Loudness split 7" in hand. New Yorkment said it best on their MySpace:

NO PUSSY ASSED OLDSCHOOL BULLSHIT!! FUCK OLD METAL IRON MAIDEN N MOTERHEAD IS UNBRUTAL SHITTY DINOSAUR METAL!!!!!

Wankers: the only people dumb enough to be in a band because they actually like music, not to get laid

The Wanker

Remember in the 90s when ska got popular, and every annoying redhead that played trombone in jazz band all of a sudden got to be in a "cool" band? Yeah me too. Well, The Wanker is what happens when that kid discovers metal, and it's just as irritating as ska was. Actually it's worse because at least Evan from Mindrot played in Save Ferris so there was at least one cool person in that scene. (Can anyone confirm the rumor that his license plate said MINDROT back then?)

Ugh, look how seriously this jerk takes his music. Die in a fire already.

The Wanker takes everything really seriously, probably because they all suffer from mild Asperger's Syndrome. For example they are the humorless turds that hate all my posts on here because I don't write 9,000 words about how Corner and Mekong Delta are the best bands to ever exist, or a fucking tutorial on how to play Spastic Ink songs on your Chapman Stick. They rival Ani DeFranco fans in their ability to ruin a good time by taking offense at absolutely anything and everything that touches their incredibly thin skin- especially if you praise a band that isn't intellectual enough for their refined sensibilities!!

Speaking of things I would destroy if I had access to the Nocturnus time machine...

But I can't blame them. I'd probably be pissed at the world too if I spent all my time holed up in my room, painstakingly transcribing Behold the Arcoptus songs, only taking my clammy hands off the neck of my guitar long enough to eat a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and see if I won a piece of Sean Reinert's used toilet paper on eBay. I'd be angry if I threw away thousands of hours of my life on playing music only to realize that I wasn't ever going to get laid by playing technical deathcore. In fact it's worse than that: remember in the original Batman movie when he is getting attacked by a shark, but spritzes it with a little Bat Shark Repellent and it runs away instantly? That's what playing mathcore is like, only to hot girls. It's like vagina repellent. They can tell that you'd rather fuck your guitar than them, and that your balls smell bad.


I found this image with that caption already added. I love the internet!

Add your own in the comments!!
I fully realize this only scratches the surface when it comes to describing all the different kinds of annoying people in the scene. It's late and I'm out of funny lines, but I especially wanted to make fun of deathcore kids. Please help, it shouldn't be that challenging!

108 comments:

  1. A picture is worth a thousand words:

    http://www.lanimilbus.com/scenerant/nowandthen.jpg

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  2. Hispanic Thrash Kids:

    They wear backpatches. They wear skin tight black jeans. They wear Reebok high tops. They love questionable modern thrash bands like Bonded By Blood. They hate "scene" and emo kids. They have zero personality. They look like the singer of Black Tide.

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  3. Funny post, Sarge, but you're wrong about the Tuff girl: they can't actually listen to hardcore and metal. They can only appreciate hip hop, ska, reagge and the Gipsy Kings. Stuff that they can dance with.
    The only grrls who play/listen to metal are the ones who are dating guys from some shitty band, like the chick from Arch Enemy.

    Even my girlfriend said me she liked Obituary and Mortal Fungus, before finally telling the truth several years after...

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  4. I'm Mr. Old School but I shop at Zara and H&M.

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  5. beardos! I've been bitching about them for ten years. Did I read too carelessly or did you neglect to mention Neurosis as the origin of beardos

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  6. They think Omen and Manilla Road are as good as metal ever got. They only listen to bands that describe themselves as "true". They tend to lay on the Manowar-speak a bit thick too, describing last weekend's old school obscure fest as a meeting of "the brotherhood of steel", because, you know, when somebody sees 300 fat, sweaty, beer-swilling throwbacks in Titan Force t-shirts, they automatically think "brotherhood of steel". Band names are almost always combinations of words one would expect to find some geek throwing around during a lame-ass D&D game - battle, sword, doom, viper, etc. They're called continental Europeans.

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  7. Can't say Im with you on the Dinosaur stuff...

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  8. 1) nothing that matthew described 2 comments above this one sucks.

    2) the only people that i despise from this post are beardos (there are a fuckload of them in st. louis...somebody please carbomb hydra head records) and wankers (not so many around here, luckily).

    and as always, i will not allow the sarge to get to me by his dumping on accept and bathory.

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  9. Yep, I'm a beardo sans beard. At least I don't have a noise side-project (yet).

    Awesome as always guys. And yes, Bathory sucks now, get over it.

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  10. Accept ruled then, they rule now.

    And I know a chick over 30 who LOVES Kreator and Voivod. She's still kinda cute too.

    The archetypes who need to go away pronto: (1)the fat, bald, white wanna-be biker guy with no neck; (2) anyone who still has a chain wallet.

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  11. Fucking hilarious.

    And while Behold the Arctopus isn't my favorite tech band, Colin's work in other projects (Dysrhythmia, Byla) and as a producer (Atheist reissues!) is significantly fantastic. Also, motherfucker has a sweet Nocturnus shirt. I'd kill for one of those. And while I'm at it, a Doughboys shirt, as well. Home Again-era being the most preferable.

    Related: Colin's said to be holding down bass duties in an upcoming Gorguts reformation. OMG!

    Sarge doesn't write 9000 words on Coroner because that's my job. Keep your eyes peeled, MI readers!

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  12. Something troubles me, any theoretical physcists out there please help!

    If you were to eradicate the "wankers" using the nocturnus time machine (N.T.M.) you would inevitably have to travel back and destroy nocturnus themselves (see Behold picture)which would result in a paradox of which i cannot even begin to fathom.

    Would the universe collapse, would you occupy a redundant time line and cease to be, or would you be free to then kill cryptopsy? i think thats the important question.

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  13. Mr. old school here. The Obituary quote reminded me of when last year this metal girl I met in a pub told me I looked a bit like Cannibal Corpse's singer and I answered back "Not really, Barnes has curly hair..." whoops! Eh eh. Also last year I was at this Napalm Death gig and said "whoa! Barney cut his hair!" and a friend of mine told me "yeah, about 10 years ago". It does feel good to be old school. And yes, I could quote everything about Wild Rags and Obituary's newest stuff.

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  14. You mock the tuff girl but you’d appreciate her gentle femininity if her less attractive UK cousin the Geezer Bird came knocking. She’d glass you in the face before you had a chance to say ‘Sorry I appear to have spilt your pint of Stella.’

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  15. ah, good call on the neurosis connection. i cant believe i left them out!! i remember seeing them several times when they toured with bloodlet in like 98, it was soooooo boring and smelly.

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  16. Or would you even have to kill cryptopsy if you had killed nocturnus? Maybe voivod would be a safer choice but then could that consequently destroy nocturnus? could you even destroy voivod im pretty sure korgull wouldnt stand for that. Oh fuck this whole idea!

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  17. My name is Alex and I'm a beardo with a bit of Dinosaur Rocker thrown in.

    The last two Bathory albums, Nordland and Nordland II are 'Amazing'.

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  18. Alex you rule for stating Nordland 1 and 2 are Amazing.

    I love Dinosaur metal - Maiden, Saxon, Samson (!!!!), Venom, and Bathory.

    And Barney from ND cut his hair? Is he trying out for a Gap Jeans Ad? What's next a Carcass reunion tour? I think I may be out of touch with metal...

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  19. Is there a name for old dudes who dress like teenagers and think Suicidal Tendencies first album is "the best record ever released"?

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  20. anonymous, i was hoping someone would help me out with that one! i think its something like "the quarterlife crisis douche." these jerks wear too much neon and try to make themselves feel young by hanging out with 22-24 year old girls and listening to metro station... but theyre not fooling anyone.

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  21. Matthew's comment is dead-on, but I'd also like to add that camo pants/shorts are a necessity.

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  22. Neurosis was the beginning of the Relapse / Beardo thing I think. I saw it in its infancy around 1995, and didn't understand it. My brain was not ready for that kind of information. They were hardcore kids that suddenly discovered Neurosis. Quick story, I was a in a little crappy band that toured Europe. I kid that really liked our band gave me a Neurosis drumstick as a gift, he had caught it at a show. I thanked it and used it that night, because I was out of sticks. He nearly cried, because he meant it as something I'd keep framed on my wall or something. I didn't get it. Oops.

    As far as me being mr. old school...ugh. i'm sorry. It's true. To my credit, I do have all the Obituary albums...but I sure as hell am NOT going to keep up with Cannibal Corpse's new material...all that stuff with their "new singer". Mick..I"m completely with you on everything you said. Seasons In The Abyss is the new Slayer album...that's all I know. I too was amazed to see Barney with short and non-bleached hair. Also, if anyone can prove to me that the earth has continued to rotate after the Wild Rag stopped coming out...I want proof. And I mean, REAL proof..none of this "that's why the sun rises" crap.

    As far as my fashion sense goes, I'm WAY WAY WAY too cheap...to a fault. It ceases to be cute or funny and goes into annoying very fast. However, to my credit, I will disclose that yesterday I went into a huge Zara, and I also did something I have not done in 15 years. I paid for a haircut!!! I actually went into a super fancy place filled with good looking gay men with full sleeve tats and got my hair did. It was great fun. I will now go into a spending hiatus that will last another fifteen years.

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  23. I'm a sort of a bearless beardo, but also a continental European. So I mainly listen to beardos who play dinosaur metal, like Witchcraft, Dead Child, Early Man, Diamond Nights and Bible of the Devil. On limited edition coloured vinyl of course.

    The most annoying fans are the Wired-readers that turn up at sunn0))) and Khanate concerts who feel they are way better than those white thrash metal heads.

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  24. nordland I sucked. nordland II was totally killer.

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  25. CarlosRamirez is right, though I would make it more general, not just Hispanics. I'd call them "Metal-Archives 17 y.o kids that love Thrash Metal". It annoys me when they start giving references about how much better the "old times" were, and that they may even lost track of a band and now they just got their hands into the last album of a band (like Kreator) and then you check their profiles and they are 17 y.o. Give me a break.
    Anyway, who knows why these kids annoy me, maybe because I'd be an oldschool, so they are trying to get into my territory?

    PS: Venom sounds so lame nowadays, nut not Bathory.

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  26. @ Jared No fucking way, the opener to Nordland I, 'Nordland', is there a better Bathory song (Excepting all of Hammerherat, of course...)? No there isn't is the short answer...

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  27. ps @ Lucho, Seasons in the Abyss? Never heard of it.

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  28. Alex, perhaps Seasons is too new for you? I fully understand. Someone just told me that Paul Bostaph from Forbidden played in Slayer. I said "what?"...next thing you know he'll go on to play for Testament or something.

    One other thing about about the Sarge's sense of humor. The man, as far as I'm concerned, is a comedic machine. Do you want proof? Here it is. He says I'm not with it, but he is. What does he offer as proof? The fact that he listens to Forever The Sickest kids. If any of you don't find his sense of humor (however subtle) amazing, you may be braindead. The guy is funny. Period.

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  29. Coming from the punk-scene, the most annoying kids are in my opinion those "neo-thrash" kids with neon-colored clothes and the shields of their trucker meshcaps bent up, listening to municipal waste, throwing around confetti at shows AND SHOVING HOW MUCH FUN THEY HAVE DOWN EVERYONE´S THROAT.

    Or is that what you meant with "ironic hipsters"?

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  30. "AND SHOVING HOW MUCH FUN THEY HAVE DOWN EVERYONE´S THROAT."

    hahahahahah. A+

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  31. total beardo/relapse dork here minus the obscure black metal and one off vinyls, but add in a hefty dose of the om/electric wizard/sleep. currently searching for sword store to assist in self-impalement plan.

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  32. I think K-Mart has a self-impalement plan on layaway.

    These are tough economic times you know...

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  33. When it comes to METAL in all its listenable variations (speed, thrash, death), i am strictly old school too (I think I even never listened to "The End Complete" once). I was kinda happy when I first noticed the Thrash revival, and checked out some new bands just for old times´ sake, but was severely disappointed by each and every one of them. Also, Misfits is absolutely right about the "Metal Archives Thrash Kids" that really love every shitty thrash band just because it released an album before 1990. I read some of the euphorical reviews there and wondered if they were really talking about the same albums. Apart from that, absolutely brilliant post, Sarge, it is SO right on. (Even if nowadays I listen mostly to stuff that you probably hate,like stoner, psychedelic, space rock shit...)

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  34. Honestly, noone annoys me more than a Kerry King/Robb Flynn looking metallian...

    Ah...I'm an old school freak,
    I think!

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  35. You missed out on the blogger, metal's debating team..

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  36. Another kind I hate are those undecided 18-year-olds, somewhere between goth and metal, listening to crap like cradle of filth, manowar or "böhse onkelz" (does anybody know them here at all?), but dressing up in dorky goth fashion and looking like sad transvestites.
    Those show up at punk rock shows as well, to show how "open-minded" they are.

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  37. I guess im a old dinosaur type 'o fella.

    i use to say it never got any better than cryptic slaughter

    now i say it doesnt get any better than raped god 666

    i also bought a pair of "skinny jeans" recently.


    oh. and im 43


    kill me

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  38. The worst? That guy who was in a band that did a tiny bit of touring and put out a couple of releases over ten years ago and talks about it THINKING PEOPLE STILL CARE! (And lo and behold, look what I've become...)

    Ani Difranco = beardo + jam band - any sense of humor

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  39. Pretty much every archtype the sarge just bashed is also the typical MI reader.
    I have to admitt that I DO have a beard but not one of those "hey I've been growing this pathetic scrub brush for a whole month!" beards...it's a REAL honest to Crom fucking barbarian beard...it's no slouch I tells ya'! ...speaking of those wispy pathetic examples of facial hair...
    why no mention of rape glasses? you can't have relapse beardos without rape glasses.

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  40. "i was hoping someone would help me out with that one! i think its something like "the quarterlife crisis douche." these jerks wear too much neon and try to make themselves feel young by hanging out with 22-24 year old girls and listening to metro station... but theyre not fooling anyone"

    ps...isn't this YOU?

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  41. I really must cite a category that I really loathe: chain-smoking 50's gothic/macabre/japanese Vargas pinup-girls with doctor Spock haircut and Neurosis / Death in June patches on their bags.

    Have you ever noticed them or is it a exquistely Eurpean phenomenon?

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  42. ps...isn't this YOU?

    yes, that was the joke. thank you for noting it.

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  43. 1)Mexican kids with beanies and ratty slayer longsleeves.

    2)Southern Lord douches...

    3) Kids who think that Godsmack, Slipknot, Disturbed, et al is metal

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  44. christ, i hate the spock rockers with their white belts and locust shirts with daughters patches. worst sub culture of all.

    please, how can you slam maiden and motorhead? what the hell is wrong with you??

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  45. christ, i hate the spock rockers with their white belts and locust shirts with daughters patches. worst sub culture of all.

    do these people still exist?? i remember them popping up around 94 or 95 in the wake of unbroken, swing kids and all that jazz... but i thought they died out by 2003 at the latest??

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  46. I really despise the folk/viking wannabe epic warrior types. Those who suddenly show an interest in Norse mythology and Vikings and wish they lived in Norway or Finland. They claim to be 1/15th Scandinavian even though they've never visited any Nordic country in their life. Always go on about how tasty mead and ale are. Listen to folk/viking/black metal mostly but listen to some 'epic' power metal and Manowar.

    Also, the people who ONLY like bands with female operatic/soprano singers. Always use the term 'femme fronted metal'.

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  47. Seriously need to get to work on that chest piece.

    I think my area has a version of the beardos (in the sense that they are annoying in the exact same way)--indie/prog kids who discovered metal/hardcore/noise 3 years ago or less and have since established themselves as knowledgeable veterans of the scene. I know, it's mean to make fun of such easy targets, but I can't help myself anymore.

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  48. Damn, that's quite a list of categories. I don't get Mr. Old School, I still keep current with new bands but most of them suck. I love Gaza but their fans probably fall in the beardo category.
    My buddy hangs out with a hardcore chick and you've got her pegged, acts like one of the guys, I don't mind her though. She likes Warzone. I hate that band, sounds like white power crap to me.
    Math metal is starting to sound like the guitar player threw the guitar down a flight of stairs then combined it with riff salad.

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  49. I fucking HATE the black metal equivalent of the beardo, though many times they are one in the same. The kind of guys who only listen to fucking bullshit, post-rock influenced "black metal" like Wolves in the Throne Room, Weakling, and Krallice. God, these guys are so annoying, always having some claim of their shitty music being an ethereal portrayal of nature, crafting a listening experience of a transcendental quality. I just want to impale all of their skulls with a copy of Under a Funeral Moon.

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  50. Ever run into Mr. Shouldbe? As in, "here's what you should be listening to". Name any band & he will counter with one that is "better". He's also the dude who'll insist that the reason you don't like something is because you had some sort of bias against it from the start, as in, "The new Metallica is good, you just gotta give it a chance". Another annoying identifying catch phrase-"how can you not like (insert name of horrible band here)?".

    This guy is usually the same clown who (if he has one which is 50/50 at best) brings his girlfriend to heavy shows even though she has zero interest in being there & spends the entire time explaining to her why she should be enjoying it. For some reason I end up next to guys like this at shows all the time.

    Re: the dinosaur. I have a relative who is still hung up on Guns n fucking Roses as if it's eternally 1988. It's unbelievable. He still does coke, too. Pathetically retro.

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  51. Ever run into Mr. Shouldbe? As in, "here's what you should be listening to".

    hahahaha brilliant!! those dudes are the worrrrrrrst.

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  52. "listening to crap like cradle of filth, manowar or "böhse onkelz" (does anybody know them here at all?), but dressing up in dorky goth fashion and looking like sad transvestites."

    this is a euro thing.

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  53. balls out post! epic thread as well. last metal show I went to was, to use sarge's words, total riff salad dashed off with deathcore chuggz. Aside from usual fitness choads and the terrifying fat teenager, the one thing I kept noticing about the crowd were the handful of painfully skinny, ethnically ambiguous kids throwing elbows while dressed like Kanye West's stage dancers. However, I must admit that I found the whole thing somewhat charming given the snowblinding white-choadness all around them. Two of them even wore matching outfits!

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  54. I remember when the only detail in Mindrot's bio was that one of them had to quit after getting beat up by a skinhead. What a dull band.

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  55. Sarge, yes they still exist. somehow.

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  56. Killer post. I think there's one you forgot: "Mr. Underground". Basically, he's the dude that hates everything that"s sold more than 25 copies and wasn't released on a double gate-fold LP. Will give you shit if you like anything modern like Opeth or Decapitated or something and then expound tirelessly on how Demolition Hammer's "Time Bomb" is a "Fucking Classic!!". Also despite claiming to hate bands like Lamb of God, has their entire discography.

    Oh, @Mick, the chain smoking Pin-up looking chick isn't just a Euro phenomenon. They're here in the states as well, they tend to be more into Rockabilly or whatever though.

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  57. 'Topher is spot on. Mr Underground, indeed. Plenty of those in continental Europe. Have actually heard someone tell me they "only listen to cult metal, man". Hmmm.

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  58. Callpastorbob, shut your mouth! Pat from Hellwitch is good people! :P

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  59. All of these are validly annoying, but for my money, it doesn't get much worse than Mr. Ironic. And I don't mean you, Sarge (at least not entirely). He's pretty much the opposite of everything on the list: his heart's at nowhere. He doesn't have the guts to admit liking shit people take the piss out of, so he listens to it "ironically". And/or he "ironically" likes stuff he knows is crap, not realizing said shtick got tired from the second it reared its pointless head. He wears a Manowar tee. He gets a lump in his throat from Keith Caputo, but feels stupid about admitting it, so he's all "ironic" about it. In fact, he's self-conscious about admitting to liking anything seriously, especially the emotional stuff. Pretty much the definition of poser.

    Having said that, we're all Mr. Ironic to a degree. That's why I'll say Antimatter's Leaving Eden made me cry like a baby. (I just felt my cohones bulge a notch)

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  60. @'Topher
    Yes I think you get the picture. QUite interestingly though, this category of chicks in Italy are closely related to either right-wing nazi stuff or brutal death metal a la Unique Leader (generally with a continuous quoting of favorite artists in the fields of literature and scultpure - expecially from India)

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  61. Sarge, am I missing out on another joke, or did you actually tell another man to shop at H&M and Forever 21? Really, dude? All clothing stores are implicitly gay, but the two you recommended are the proverbial nexus of modern faggotry. Maybe I'm just too old to get the irony. Or too stupid.

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  62. yeah i'm not joking at all about H&M and Forever 21, ask anybody who knows me. their shit looks just as good as G Star or 55DSL but at like 10-20% of the cost. H&M jeans are like $35 and they look just as good and fit just as well as $225 Diesel jeans (which i am wearing a pair of as i type this). if you don't care how you look that's your choice, but fortunately there are stores like the above that let you dress really well as Target prices.

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  63. @ Sergeant D, I have no idea what one single word in that last comment means.

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  64. I realized it was a joke when I posted, but you never know with you...it's possible you were being self depricating, but on the other hand it's not completely impossible that you were just being clueless...you weave a tangled web of irony so complex that it's easy for the rest of us to get confused. That said, I fit into 80% of the above catagories so I'm probably legally retarded, but I don't live in california so it's impossible for my stilo to be ironic...just stupid.

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  65. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  66. Is there a term for the metalhead who's from one country but is constantly raving about bands from some other country and how underrated their scene is? Like the guy who only listens to Swedish death metal and anything that sounds like a Dismember clone, or goes on and on about the Czech grind scene and 15 bands that all sound the same? He's generally also the guy who doesn't like anything that's well produced because X style of music should sound "gritty" or "raw."

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  67. mike, nice addition!! i think that's a pretty big part of the beardo/relapse dork, don't you? but like you said, it's not limited to them (for example, how i rave about japanese wigger slam).

    pencil, i was indeed being self deprecating. i try to criticize and mock myself as brutally as i do everybody else. but remember, my shtick is POST-irony: sincerely liking stuff that's shitty, rather than merely pretending to like it (which would be simply ironic). for example i honestly like Crazy Town and Papa Roach. sincerity is the new irony!

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  68. my first introduction to the beard o was when I was celtic frost's roadie for a day. The night before was the last night of 1349 and sahg on teh tour and they were replaced by sunn O and goatwhore and I never listened to any of these bands, but I sure as hell saw that the beardos were out in full force for sunn o.

    The next 35 minutes was composed of a band WEARING HOODED ROBES USING A FIG MACHINE BOWING LES PAULS AND MOANS ANS OTHER AMBIENT SHIT.

    honestly everyone stood there for 35 minutes in silence or jsut having a conversation with the person next to them. In fact most people left teh main room to go to the coutside to talk and drink.

    but as soon as they finished their set about 5 beardos who stood at the front "taking it all in" began clapping and shouting. Their shouts echoed in the silence like a stake through the heart of good taste.

    and sure enough I wondered why teh hella band would sell hard boxed vinyl at a concert for 40.00$ it was for the beardos who each had a copy under one of their arms.

    i hate beardos...

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  69. sorry bout the horrible misspellings, im at work trying to act liek im doing work.

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  70. Their shouts echoed in the silence like a stake through the heart of good taste.

    A+++++++++++++

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  71. There's a shitload of guys around these parts who kind of dress like older but yet somehow slightly "darker" emo kids mixed with scene punks. They wear creepers and tight black clothes, dye their hair black, and listen to a genré of music called "DEATH ROKK" which I have no fucking clue about but apparently it somehow involves Iggy and the Stooges, Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster and what seems to be an ironic flair for really old black metal that sounds like the guitars were played through a string connected to an empty tub of butter. I don't really know what their game is, or what the correct label for them, but for some reason they can go fuck. Maybe I just fear that which I do not understand.

    Also, Sarge, fuck the haters. Your accurate social commentary always cracks me up, and your taste in music is second to none. Every time my friends talk smack to me for rockin' some A Day To Remember in the car, I take comfort in the thought that "I bet The Sarge would understand".

    --LEV

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  72. Ah ah ah. I recently started to hear about death rcok too. I still don't have a clue what kind of shit it is but what the hell. They even managed to make me listen to "post core" and "death core". Ah.
    Also: "guy who doesn't like anything that's well produced because X style of music should sound gritty or raw" <- That's me, thank you! Good production is always shit in metal.

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  73. Every time my friends talk smack to me for rockin' some A Day To Remember in the car, I take comfort in the thought that "I bet The Sarge would understand".

    that's right dude... we're bros!!

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  74. Ooooh, tuff girls. Always looking down if you decide to wear heels to watch a concert. Sorry, I know how to dress myself without looking like a trucker.

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  75. no no no no no. I get it dude! I know you love those shitty bands..(I read MI like it's my job, and since I only look at interweb at work, it kinda IS) but that doesn't mean you're immune to normal irony....hey, somebody's gotta take the piss besides you guys....and anyway I "sincerly" and non ironically, or non post ironically think the denim vest is a nice look for me.

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  76. ...oh yeah, and DEATH ROCK is something that should sound like Christian Death. Just to clarify.

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  77. "sincerly" and non ironically, or non post ironically

    i love it!

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  78. Sergeant D said...
    do these people still exist?? i remember them popping up around 94 or 95 in the wake of unbroken, swing kids and all that jazz... but i thought they died out by 2003 at the latest??


    I think they are on the endangered list, but pockets of them still exist in isolated places like small midwestern towns and all of Europe.

    ----

    What about something that covers the influence of marijuana? It may fall somewhere under the beardo/relapse dork umbrella though. On the beardo side there are the dudes who discovered Electric Wizard and became high school potheads in their late 20s. On the relapse dork side, there is anyone who ever liked Exit-13 or Flesh Parade.

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  79. On the relapse dork side, there is anyone who ever liked Exit-13 or Flesh Parade.

    i liked both of those bands :( to my credit, i was 15 when i liked Exit-13. the singer bought some shitty records from me on ebay once a few years ago.

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  80. flesh parade is great.

    also, sarge, i noticed that you mentioned unbroken a few comments back. it may be relevant to you to know that dave claibourne spins at raves in st. louis nowadays.

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  81. Oh, I'm totally guilty of liking Flesh Parade and Exit-13. I mean, to borrow a line from above, how could you not like that one song where they just screamed "MARIJUANA" over and over again for the breakdown?

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  82. How about:
    Vinyl Nerds:
    A hybrid of the beardo crossed with Mr. Oldschool. Vinyl nerds spend all of their time(and paycheck)surfing Ebay for that hand numbered limited edition splatter vinyl. When they are not on Ebay, they spend their time preaching about how much better analog is than digital.
    Ok, lets see you strap that record player to you back and jog around the block a couple of times. It's 2009 not 1989 so unless you are Grandmaster Flash, put the record player in the closet and get with the program.

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  83. Speaking of ironic hipsters, I'm surprised that the 90s skate punk look hasn't been ironically adopted. When am I going to see someone with a neck-beard and a pair of NoFX pants?

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  84. given light to recent economic times, i'd like to present the "newbie pseud"? A recently unemployed schmoe whose comprehensive understanding of google's blog search utility provides access to a new cultural identity, pathetically compensating for the one recently lost. p.s. I am describing myself.

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  85. Sgt D. You got me. I'm Mr. Oldschool

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  86. @SaveTheCirclePit: the funny part is those guys that buy old records on ebay for 100 USD were just too lazy to buy the same record from a distro at 20 USD. Sometimes ebay just makes cult out of easily available records. Must be the idea of having everything at a search reach.

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  87. I've just remembered another archetype, albeit a rare one: it's Mr. Super Elitist/"I dig shit that's too far out for you mere mortals". I knew this guy once who claimed he liked old S/M-themed records from the 50s/60s and shit like that, including a record supposedly featuring women farting into brass instruments. Obscure black metal was like the worst Myspace metalcore to him. Had you by any chance even heard of any of his crap, he'd immediately flip it around and say he actually hated it, and that you should check out some older stuff from before they "sold out". He moved abroad before anyone could take him up on those farting women, but nobody missed him.

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  88. I didn't read through ninety comments but this is a metal archetype too:

    Aging metalhead with receding hairlines shaves said (metal)head skin bare. They're fat, they wear leather pants, they might do a vague attempt at being up to date with latest trends and bands but they've basically lost interest years ago and are too scared to lose their last few friends if they were to come clean on that.
    Kerry Kings I call them

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  89. 100% loosers, GET A LIFE

    DINOSAUR METAL UP YOUR LOOSER ASSES!

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  90. @Lady Metal:
    Don't get me wrong, I love to wear heels and am actually capable of walking in them, but wearing them to a show? I don't know about you, but they don't seem like great footwear for pits. Not to mention the amount of standing one inevitably does. Which leads others to question: are you there to watch the band and enjoy the music or are you there to impress the boys?

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  91. are you there to watch the band and enjoy the music or are you there to impress the boys?

    hopefully more of the second item than the first

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  92. @onerodetoasabay when you are barely 5 foot tall, wearing heels isn't much as a choice if I want to watch a concert. I don't wear stilletos in a concert because I don't want to ruin it, but I do wear heels - if you know about shoes (and wear them) you do know there is a world of heels beside stilletos, right? And I am not sorry to look pretty while I watch a concert - heck, if I want to get ugly I do it in the privacy of my own house, when I am covered with products to keep my hair and skin beautiful.
    And impress the boys?What's wrong with that?! I can't enjoy a concert and a cute guy looking at me at the same time (my bf is really thankful that I think this way)?! Oh no, if I want to listen heavy metal I have to act TUFF, grow balls and scare boys. Girlfriend, bye.

    @Sergeant D When I was single, it was both, but now it's just the first, haha.

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  93. @Lady Metal: Right on, on all accounts.

    @Sergeant D: I guess I'm a Dinosaur, but anything past 1989 just leaves me cold. New everything can suck it - I'll take Intellivision, VHS, and metal cassette tapes over mp3's ANY DAY.

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  94. Someone above might've mentioned it, but you're missing two of the archetypes I lol at the most. The Viking Eurotrash Korpiklaani-listening Odinfaggot that carries warhammer necklaces around and has a set of hair that reaches his bulbous ass, and is always going on about Wotan or some bullshit. And the Opeth/Porcupine Tree/Dream Theater asscocks that pretend to like jazz and the avant-garde, but are in reality just obsessed with Michael Akerfeldt's taint.

    Or if you want to take a shot at my kin, the B-Horror Razorback Impetigo/Autopsy idiots that watch movies with way too much tomato juice blood substitute.

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  95. the deathcore, premature combover look is hilarious.

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  96. the deathcore, premature comb-over look is hilarious!

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  97. I just fell that neo-thrash-whatever revival should be more humiliated. HOnestly, thrash revival is the end of the most horrible things.

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  98. bwhahahahah!

    Cthulhupal's post should be carved into stone.

    on a positive note: there are far more archetypes that I enjoy seeing at shows than annoy me, unless we are talking about hardcore shows in which case the opposite is true.

    That being said, what annoys me the most are hardcore kids who make the jump into metal and ironically enjoy 'thrash' and search online for the lyrics to 'thrash attack' from destruction.

    One last positive note: as a bay area metal dude, I still see members of testament, death angel and other bands at metal shows that they don't play at.

    That's awesome, I don't care who you are!

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  99. i went to see my bf's hc band play looking hot, and completely out of place, in a skirt and heels. it was awesome to make my bf proud, his friends jealous, and all the other bitches feel like the ugly, pretentious sluts they are, thinking they're going to get bonus points for being "hard core." i was in front and i was as safe as a baby in its mother's arms. if guys wanted to date people who looked like dudes, they'd be homos.

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  100. i didn't mean for my last comment to come out so harsh sounding! i was in a bad mood...
    but also...
    i heard that stephen o)))malley *stole* his look from the rev. kris hades (scandal!) but seeing as kriss sometimes plays with a dildo, i think he means it in a little more tongue and cheek way...
    secondly, i love it when hispanics (and blacks) listen to anything besides that damn salsa (or r&b) music, especially when they're shaking their car speakers outside my house at 2 am. even if it means striped purple socks and dudes with eyeliner, at least they're breaking away from what's usual for their culture.

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  101. I'm amazed that anyone ever liked Exit 13, I'm pretty sure the only reason they were on Relapse is because one of the guys was the founder of the label. It's one of those bands that's not good enough to have a record out, but since one of the guys runs a big label, they have a bunch records out everywhere. I think he also had a bunch of noise side projects that never sold a single copy ever.

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  102. Phew,two months late with the reply. I've had to do a lot of thinking. Here goes!:

    @Lady Metal:
    I'm the exact same height as you, I just make an effort to stand closer to the front. Pretty easy. And high heels mess with your center of gravity. That can be okay in most situations but, in my experience, metal shows are not one of those situations. I'd rather minimize my chances of tripping.
    Nobody is stopping you from looking beautiful. Go ahead and make all the guys grovel at your feet. You're free to depict me as such if you want to, but I don't go to huge measures to behave 'TUFF' or to seem butch so I can be 'one of the boys'--my post on getting a chest piece was a joke. I just don't see metal shows as appropriate venues to dress up and look beautiful. I enjoy being complimented and am pleased when it happens but being even just a marginally pretty woman at a metal show can result in undesirable results because not all guys in metal are socially adjusted. I guess you've never been on the receiving end of completely unwanted sexual attention at a testosterone-saturated show. Call me crazy and too tuff for my own good, but I prefer to minimize situations like that and my partner appreciates my modesty.

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  103. Yea now its time for my 2 cents.
    The young types i call "back to the future" Kids cause they try hard to be from the 80's. At first i thought it was cool that there was a intrest in thrash but once kids aged 18-21 starting telling me about the good old days thats when im like ok (by the way Im 35). Funny thing is I go to lots of shows and even when there is a good old school thrash band playing I NEVER SEE THESE KIDS AT ANY SHOWS! And yes some of them were all ages shows to.By the way TOXIC HOLOCAUST Kicks ass!!!
    The theres the Kvlt, grim black metal kids that ONLY like maybe 10 black metal bands and everything else sucks.
    The 'Brootal' death metal types that only like wigger slam and nothing else. I was in a band that wanted to add more slam than melody cause it was "pussy" riffs.
    I would explain that those slam riffs were hardcore riffs and they would shout at the top of their lungs that it was death metal riffs.
    Then there the ones who suffer from Rob Flynn disease. There are many of them where I live. Guys who were in death/thrash bands back in the day now playing in 3rd rate korn/mudvane bands. Its nothing like seeing a 38 year old trying to dress "hip". Its always fun to call them out on their past just to watch them squirm with anger.
    along this is the guys who think they were in the shit back in the day when they played or maybe did a tour with a 3rd rate death/thrash band. theres a guy around here who played in ACHERON back in the day for a couple shows and he thinks hes above everyone and everything and still talks like its 1993.
    Then there the whole "I outgrew death Metal and now lisen to radio rock" crowd. Which is worse this or rob flynns disease i don't know.
    Theres so much more to type but thats my 2 cents. im sure everyone here has stories like these.

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  104. Whats wrong with listening to whatever if you like it? If you luaght at them youre the stupid, maybe we should laught at people who make blogspot to have everyone reading their opinions and to make believe that their likes are the only ones than are cool?

    Nah

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