Friday, March 13, 2009

Back In The Day: memories of what I thought the future would hold for me

As a young kid who grew up being into metal, I always assumed that I would one day grow up to be a metal stud. I would be the rad dude with the long hair and all the ladies. At the time, I thought my lameness and lack of popularity with the ladies came about strictly as a result of my young age (and not because of my annoying personality, my looks, lack of style, or because of my overuse of Brut cologne). Back then, I would sit around and daydream about one day being surrounded by cool metal guys and hot metal ladies. If you saw what I looked like back then, you would understand why I spent hours dreaming about the future. I don't exaggerate much when I tell you that I pretty much looked and acted like the kid in the videos below. Just picture this kid, but without braces*, and talking about Slayer and Maiden instead of video games and movies.

Sadly, sometime in the early 90s, the rug got pulled from under me. Metal as I knew it began to die, or at least slowly decay. To make matters worse, as I grew older, I finally realized that full-fledged adult metalheads are often huge losers who play W.O.W. all day, and seldom leave the house. The dream of metal ladies never fully materialized in my life. What a total bummer. I never got to have a sweet girlfriend with metal-moma jeans and a Bolt Thrower shirt. Ehh, what can you do. You can't win them all. No big deal, but I also soon realized that most girls in metal (no offense to any female readers we may have) are fat tubs of goo (most men are also, to be fair.) It's for that reason that women like Jo Bench from Bolt Thrower got so much attention...for merely looking semi-human.

Could those pants get any higher? I think not. Looks like she's rocking a full 16 inch zipper.

So, from time to time, I still think about the life I dreamt about as a kid. I still wonder what would have happened had all my metal dreams come true. Thanks to the advancements in computer imaging technology, a new program exists which helps create fairly accurate depictions of a person's childhood dreams. The software is called "Dream Maker 3000", and the license for the program (as well as the proprietary hardware) is setting Metal Inquisition back a good bit.

The Dream Maker 3000, humming along in Metal Inquisition's headquarters.

Due to the state of the current economy we are trying to be responsible with our budget, but once I saw what the software was capable of, I simply had to buy it (a big "thank you" is in order to our administrative assistant Edith for getting the purchase order processed quickly). This advanced piece of technology is capable of creating fairly accurate depictions of my childhood dreams, but I should point out that the program is not finalized (currently still in beta form), and thus it makes the individuals portrayed look a bit less metal than they were in my dreams (no bullet belts, Sodom shirts etc.) Having said that, I welcome you to what my life would be like today, had the 12 year old me had his way.

See the guy with the mustache and the striped pants who is second from the right? That would have been me. Don't be fooled by my quiet demeanor in this picture...I would have been a killer with the ladies, and with a pool cue.

Perhaps this picture is a bit too glam, but can't make fun of those hot ladies. "Too hot to stop"? I think so!

If there's two things I always thought I'd have as an adult, they would have to be a skull and a chain hanging out of my pocket. I'm sad to report I don't have either. I'm such a failure.

That would have been me, furthest to the right. Still growing out my hair and headbanging all night long. What the clueless guy with the black sleeveless shirt doesn't know is that I'm banging his feather earring-wearing girlfriend. Boo-yaaaah.

Please excuse the tucked in shirt. Again, the program is only in a beta stage at this point.. Having said that, most of the remaining parts of the image are accurate. Anvil shirt as a semi-adult? Oh yes. I think that if the young version of me found out that I no longer find Anvil to be relevant...that version of me would be PISSED.

Here we see another picture of the imaginary me. Okay, so this picture shows lame short hair...but the two ladies certainly make up for it. You can make fun of my hair, and my non-metal clothes...but you can't make fun of tha' bitches. Look at how high the girl on the right is wearing her Metal-Mamma Jeans. Nothing says "sexy" like a 16" zipper. Who's the guy in the yellow shirt lurking in the background? John Joseph, duh.

Another possible version of me that I dreamt about. Although the picture depicts a fairly young person, the dreams I'm talking about were had when I was about 12. As such, this is certainnly consistent with what I hoped would occur in the future. I always thought I'd be in a sweet band where spikes, chains and Slayer shirts were required. Today, I mostly worry about very-non metal what color to paint my living room.

Okay, this image was a mistake. The software malfunctions from time to time. I swear it, I never wanted to be an amateur pole dancer.

This would have been me...sporting some fresh plumage, tight jeans, and a bandana belt. My lady friend would have liked me so much, she'd agree to wear matching shirts, and go to L'Amours on a daily basis. The girl would have been way metal, but would have also enjoyed the more sensitive side of metal. What does that mean? It means she liked "Fade To Black".

What about our readers? If the 12 year old version of you saw what you looked like...would he/she be let down? Are you very metal today, or (like me) a mere shell of your former metal self. Do you have a very un-metal job or house? Does your significant other like or even understand metal? Please share!

(Metal Inquisition readers should know that I'm an international metal journalist. Why? Because this post was submitted from an international airport in South America right before a flight. If you are reading this in an airport somewhere, look around you. I may be the guy sitting next to you right now. I'm the guy with the laptop and handheld devices, the one by the duty free shop.

*I would also like to note that although I did not have braces as a kid, I do now. I got them last night. Ugh.)


  1. HAHAHAHA that's brilliant!

    The best part is, being 18, I still have a chance to make my dreams come true!

  2. Go for it!!!! It's too late for me, but not for you!!! Find some hot metal ladiez, buy some chains for your pants, and by all means buy a skull!

  3. The best part of these photographs is that they could be 1988 LA or 2008 Sao Paulo, Brazil.

  4. "What about our readers? If the 12 year old version of you saw what you looked like...would he/she be let down? Are you very metal today, or (like me) a mere shell of your former metal self. Do you have a very un-metal job or house? Does your significant other like or even understand metal?"

    My latest post tackles some of these tough questions!

    Who Asked Ya?

  5. What the hell is it with chains dangling from one's pockets?

    By the way, i think 12 year old me would appreciate what I´m doing now. Playing in a band, drinking, still playing videogames and watching porn.

    Another note: When I was like 12, i looked pretty much like Beavis from that MTV cartoon. Many people told me back in the day. I'm glad at least that changed.

  6. The guy holding the skull looks like the serial killer Richard Ramirez, who contributed to the 'blame metal' culture by saying that AC/DC were his favourite band.

    My 12 year old self wouldn't be dissapointed with my present self, but my 19 year old self would be devastated to know that I am not currently enjoying a blissful married existance with my first proper metal boyfriend. I thank the patron sake of stupid that we opted for the matching piercings over the matching tattoo's.

  7. in a word: yes

    in many words:
    though I think he would be completely stoked and jealous of all the equipment/cds now mp3s/and other stuff accrued over the years...

    and no the significant other doesn't like metal unless you count that Robert Plant country duet album...

  8. I'm not sure what my 12 year old self would think of the me today. I'm sure he'd appreciate that I look like a viking, all bearded (not of the beardo variety, though) and long haired and shit, but he probably wouldn't like the fact that i'm in polo shirts, sandals and shorts more often than not, and that I don't really own any metal shirts any more (although I still kept my ratty old Opeth shirt because it's rare and awesome). My choice in profession is somewhat of a toss up; I work with hospice, so I work with the dying (metal), but I'm helping them (not so metal). It's a tough call.

  9. Why would you go to south america to get braces?

  10. Lucho, no early days reminiscing is complete without the "Brut cologne" tag.

    I can't even begin to trip back to my younger self, that's how successful I've been in repressing the memories. My present self is pained to see the modern day version of how I used to dress ("skater" shit) gasping for air neck-deep in pussy, while back in the day it was nothing but dry land for us. And while my younger self would be glad to see I've made up for it with a vengeance once I've switched to shit similar to what's Sarge's advocating, he would be crushed to see that instead of my neighbor's fancy drum kit with black Paiste cymbals and black-headed Tamas I'm now laying waste to my office chair and thighs. He would also hate the lack of flame decals on my car and bemoan my hairloss. My government job and daily grind would make him cry, but the thing that would make him straight up suicidal would be the color choices in my apartment (Lucho, take note). No Cyco Miko posters?! Fuck me, what a dullard.

  11. The kid and the wife would be a surprise to my 12 year old self but I don't think he'd be sorely disappointed otherwise. In fact, death metal would probably be a (welcome) surprise to him - my 12 year old self thought Metallica was the heaviest thing EVER and would never have envisioned actually playing in a local DM band (or any band) for years (not anymore though). Heck, my 12 year old self would be impressed that I didn't stay 12 years old and that I finally got to grow out my hair into something other than a mullet. I think my 12 year old self was easily impressed though.

  12. male pattern baldness killed my long-haired teenage hesher dreams, but I married a woman who loves Iron Maiden even more than I do, so all is well.

  13. Good stuff.

    I'd say it's all about compromise. I'm not the most metal person you'll ever meet, and never have been. Never will be. However, I am the most metal person in, not only my office department, but probably the whole building. And I'm quite happy with this.

  14. My twelve year old self would be pissed I didn't continue to live fast and die by 26. Total chad.

  15. My 11 year old self would be very disappointed that I listen to dreadful, noisy death metal and Britney Spears all day long instead of rockin' the Phil Collins era Genesis.
    12 year old me would be delighted that I still listen to The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway regularly though, even if my position as a library menial isn't really compatible with my many grandiose childhood dreams.

  16. Okay it’s Friday night and I’ve just come home from the pub; I’ve got slightly pissed logic yet a need to say that the last picture in the post reminds me of the guy in the ‘My Favourite Waste of Time’ video which as undoubtedly un metal as it is sums up perfectly an era of fashion that is possibly best forgotten. Yes indeed his chick does look like her head’s been in a hot oven for a few minutes, but this was a popular hairstyle in the 80’s. Oh and I love you all on a deep and spiritual level.

  17. my first concert was powerslave 1985. i was 11 yrs old. my older brother took me because none of his friends were into metal. he FORCED me to wear a british flag t-shirt. it was sleevless, but i was so scrawny, that it had "mini" sleeves on it. there were 2 huge mexican metallars right behind me. i was terrified. the only song that i recognized was flight of icarus.

    my 12 yr old self would be FURIOUS with me now.

    hey, at least i still like metal.

  18. almost forgot...i know Brut was the bomb, but what about Chaps?

  19. Oh man oh man is this great. I know my younger self would be pissed at me. One look at all the Frank Sinatra CDs in my collection and he would have thrown a fit! But that isn't the worst. Every day I wear dress shirts and dress pants, even when I'm not working and could be rocking the Slayer shirt, bullet belt, and biker jacket.

    And the most disappointing part is that I'm not with a girl who likes heavy metal. Like my father before me, I fell into a trap with a woman who pretended to like that stuff in the early stages of the relationship. She pretended to know who James Murphy is, but only heard the name from some Latin American dishwashers in the restaurant where she worked. Had no clue what bands he was in and couldn't recognize any songs, but "OMG you like James Murphy too?" Later on she claimed the music was giving her a headache and forced Frau Frau onto the car stereo.

    May my younger self kill me now.

  20. Zachary hit the spot. I still see people like this (also the Black Metal version) in Rio de Janeiro...

  21. The heaviest music I had at 12 was Kansas, and I teach 12-year-olds now. So I have no idea where I stand. I still like Kansas, even if they're not as heavy as Defleshed.

  22. I have this weird thing for Jo Bench. I need more pictures of her.

  23. yes, it's true...getting braces when you're older than 18 means that you are a gigantic douche.

    also, to add to the 80s metal babe factor: sabina classen

  24. fucking huge myspace links! just go here:

  25. What a bunch of funny 80's pictures...I wonder how do you get this obscure stuff!
    And I agree with Zachary: 1988 in L.A. is like 2008 Sao Paulo. I remember back in early 90's when the iron curtain fell, all the dudes wore sideboards like in the 70's. They seemed like fallen from mars.

  26. ugh, the braces. it has something to do with an inward turned molar, and the slight possibility of tongue cancer. i'll leave it at that.

    james, i love that your lady pretended she knew who James Murphy was. Give her a high five. She'd get along with my wife.

  27. First off, I can't believe you didn't title this post "The Future (Ain't What It Used To Be)" as an homage to Leeway.

    My 12 yr old self (much like my present self) would really resent Metallica, but she'd be hella stoked about my high-end denim collection—no mom jeans here!

  28. being only 24 and not getting into metal till i was seventeen means much of this article doesn't apply to me.

    But I'll tell you what. My aunt's husband looks like your average uncool guy in his mid 40's but one day at his sons birthday party i happened to mention megadeth, and he told me about going to one of their first gigs at a place called the waters in long beach i believe, and we ended up covering all the bases. Destruction, Sodom, Possessed, voivod, venom, slayer etc. here i was unawares that this geek was totally into all this stuff when he was a teen. I'm still working on convincing him to hand over all of his original old metal tees by telling him his son will never be into the stuff.

    On another note, my uncles were into to metal in the 80's so I surprised both of them with pit tickets to heaven and hell at the forum. Needless to say we hotboxed all the way up to the forum, noticing that there was over 12 fried chicken restaurants in the 3 or so miles between the freeway and the forum in los angeles.

    But yeah, sitting in that car, between drinks of or beers and joint hits, I realized that metal is where it's at and becoming "unmetal" is just a normal part of getting older. It's a lot easier to say you'll stay metal in appearance and attitude than it is actually doing it. I mean getting laid, or getting paid can be kind of hard when you're a mulletino rocking a sweet Lionel Ritchie stash It's just life.

    Speaking of metal other halves, this is my girlfriend and schmier at a show where her band opened up for destruction.

    met her at an Exodus gig about 2 years ago at the whisky a gogo in hollywood. I drank two forties before i got in and during the show i asked her out to eat at a pizza place next door and we talked about metal and shot the shit. well on our first date she ocked a HUGE destruction mad butcher backpatch autographed by the whole band. I come to find out her and her brothers band opened for destruction and that's where she got the autograph. Cool cat.

    She got to go to NAMM I didn't. first thing she said when i talked to her after was that Pete Sandoval looked like shit. no surprise there. He was probably in the middle of dripping off his chair onto the floor thanks to the wonders of osmosis.

  29. Jesus, is that what the guys from Destruction look like now? My god, I'm depressed. Facial piercing and terrible facial hair? Do I smell Rob Flynn's disease?

  30. cthulhupal, that link didn't work, but your girlfriend isn't in that horrible christian thrash band sacred storm, is she?

  31. I think my 12 year old self wouldn't be to disappointed and I'm starting to think that is not a good thing.

  32. Funny ... as we speak, I am preparing to upload artwork to reprint some old Anvil shirts.

    I know you secretly really do wish you had one.

  33. that truly refresh my child hood memory:)

  34. Interesting childhood memory . Love these memory .

  35. I've just downloaded iStripper, so I can watch the best virtual strippers on my taskbar.