Glen Benton—You lied to all of us. You said you'd kill yourself.

I don't know if any of you remember, but in interviews throughout the 90s, Glen Benton said that he would kill himself in the year 2000, which is when he would turn 33. He often referenced the song "Sacrificial Suicide", and its line "Sacrifical suicide, Ritual to end my life." The whole reason why he would kill himself was unclear, but had something to do with living a life that was opposite to Jesus. If I remember correctly, Jesus died at 33, so I don't know how ALSO dying at 33 would be the opposite of...well, dying at 33. This gets into a whole thing of what kind of satanist Benton claimed to be. If you are ever really, really bored start looking into this...what kind of satanist so and so is/was. Some believe in god, but worship satan as Benton did. Euronimous believed in theism, and said all humans should be slaves to religion. Some believe an inversion of christian dogma is stupid, some think it's good...it goes on and on.

But back to Benton finally ending our collective pain by dying on purpose. As a result of these interviews where Benton promised that I'd finally be rid of him, I eagerly awaited the year 2000. Unlike other people, I wasn't anxious about Y2K. I was not psyched about listening to the Prince song five million times, oh no. I had higher hopes. I had hopes of Glen Benton finally being dead. Sadly, it was not to be. As you can tell my the semi-recent picture of Glen with a basket of fruit, he's still very much alive. I also know he's alive because he recently commented on the VH1 show "Rock of Love" on his MySpace blog. I thought he'd be more of a Tool Academy kinda' guy...but either way, he's still alive. Lame.

Glen, I know exactly how you feel. This is exactly the face I make when I realize you're still alive.

Glen is in his 40s now. He's a dad these days, and often talks in interviews about taking his kids to school, doing laundry, and about how he wears a hat to cover up his forehead from time to time.

What Benton's kid probably looks like.

While I applaud his ability to not take himself very seriously these days, I can't help but remember how he portrayed himself back in the early 90s. You can attribute his stupidity to youth, but I never acted like a complete asshole then. I've been criticized by some readers for bringing this very thing up about numerous bands on many occasions. Let me be clear, as a youngster, I never thought that Glen Benton was an evil overlord who lived in a dark castle somewhere. You see, I lived in Florida at the time that Deicide were getting popular, and I knew he probably lived in a horrible apartment just like the one my family lived in, but in Tampa. Still, it was easier to take him seriously before he started claiming he had seen bigfoot.

Even manly men end up living in apartment buildings like this in Florida. Even if you're into satan, get ready to live in a light yellow, baby blue, or seafoam colored building called something like "Biscayne Breeze".

I understood the theatrics that went into music, even as a kid. I knew that Ace Frehley wasn't from outer space, I knew he was from some neighborhood like Astoria in Queens. So I'm not a complete moron, I guess I just hate it when people break character. You know how some people loved Jimmy Fallon cracking up right in the middle of an SNL sketch? I hated it (Hope our non-american readers excuse the ameri-centric reference.) To me, it would like if Jason Voorhees stopped mid-movie, suddenly started making a fruit salad, took off his mask and started flossing while listening to a self-help audio tape. We all know it's a damn movie...but it would suddenly become a terrible movie. Right? I know that with time, people in bands have a hard time keeping up the persona. They're not actors in a movie, after all. I get it, they are suddenly married, they have kids, and with that comes a membership to Costco or Sam's Club. Soon, they find themselves buying shampoo by the gallon, all in the name of savings.



Glen had to get married in a church at his wife's request, according to the steroid-induced ramblings of the Hoffman brothers. Clearly the guy is scared of his wife, and must have a good sense of humor. I understand, its real life. But perhaps folks like Glen should have been less idiotic, and should have never started portraying a fictitious character to begin with, even in the name of theatrics. Perhaps they shouldn't have burned a damn cross on their forehead, nahmean? You know why I don't have to wear a hat to the store like he does? Because I never burned a cross on my face. Duh. It's for that reason that I always liked Obituary. They're just some dudes who play music, and that's about it. As a little kid, the whole theatric presentation that Kiss had was appealing to me, but I was like six then. At some point you stop being amazed by swords and fake blood...and you just want a good riff. You know? Perhaps I could present my point of view more cohesively, but I'm tired right now.

Okay, I'm probably putting most of you to sleep. Let's get back to Glen and his promise to kill himself. While he was all about it back then, today he has gone as far as saying that his promises of killing himself were "asinine remarks." He may see his comments from the 90s as silly, but I saw them as a legally binding verbal contract. I counted on being free of his music in 2000, and planned my life accordingly. I had dreams of happy days, fantastic years free of Benton and his receding hairline. Now, I'm stuck having to put up with him for who knows how many more years. Ugh. What an unfair world we live in...one where Pauly Shore is taken from us, while Glen Benton still roams the streets. Oh wait, what? Pauly Shore is still alive? Well, never mind.



If any of you are still half-way interested in the aging biker fatso that is Glen Benton, watch the video below. In his video, you will see Glen answer questions from the audience at a show. Have you ever wondered how many times has Glen Benton burned the cross on his forehead? Did his mom ask him to stop burning the cross on his forehead? Find out.