Monday, March 30, 2009

Heavy Metal in the Economic Downturn

We at Metal Inquisition have made a startling discovery - an unprecedented display of economic foresight from The Netherlands in 1981. It's difficult to even fathom, but over 25 years ago, a group of Dutch musicians and intellectuals - Renaissance men in the classical mold - predicted the economic downturn of 2009. Their treatise on the subject has long been in the public domain, but only now has the true meaning of this work revealed itself.

What's even more impressive is that this prognostication came not from the halls of academia or the journalistic press, but from the nascent Heavy Metal scene. I speak of the heavy metal band PICTURE, and you can view the video for their song "Unemployed" right here.



The modern-day relevance of "Unemployed" is astonishing. The lyrics anticipate a time when we've all lost our jobs, and have nothing to do but drink beer and listen to classic metal rocka rolla. Dominant forms of cultural activity appear to be setting off fire crackers, wearing sweat bands, and tearing through lengthy guitar solos. Is this not a brilliantly accurate description of all our current lives?

In this music video, we garner a glimpse of our future in the troubled economic climate through its deft symbolism. The "production values" of our "music videos" will be dreadful. The "leap from atop the kick drum" will be hampered by restrictive "spandex." This was the vision so artistically conveyed by PICTURE.

Through the boom of the late 80's and the Clinton years, unemployed mustached heavy metal idiocy would have seemed an inconceivable regression of the cultural norm. However, my informal polls indicate that 84% of Americans now "strongly agreed" with the description of themselves as "an unemployed, mustachioed heavy metal idiot." For PICTURE, this was all in the tea leaves.



The future is secure only for those few companies who anticipated the post-2009 shift to a pared down, riff-based economy. Marshall Amplification and Zildjian Cymbals come to mind. Shares of Ibanez stock are a "buy." I advise you to diversity your portfolio to include preferred stocks and killer gear.

Consider this music video PICTURE's dissertation on the subject. Look for the band members of PICTURE to receive the Nobel Prize in economics in the coming years, as their vision of an "Unemployed" world comes to pass. Until then, I recommend you drop out of your (now obsolete) college classes, and buy some records by RAVEN, DIAMOND HEAD, TANK, and others, to educate yourself in the skills of the new, heavy metal-trained, "Black Collar" workforce.

The cultural shift predicted by PICTURE is no more evident than on this blog. Few readers will remember that during the late 80's through the early 90's, the METAL INQUISITION blog covered primarily cold war relations and then the emerging Eastern European economies. During the mid 90's, METAL INQUISITION brought you the latest on the Balkan wars, Silicon Valley acquisitions, and the biotech research pipeline. METAL INQUISITION seeks the issues that matter, hence our recent coverage of Tom Warrior's leather jacket and Glen Benton's life at age 42. Keep reading in the upcoming months to stay informed on the issues defining our time.

17 comments:

darley said...

Nostradamus may have had long hair and a fondness for strong liquor but these guys make him look like a shoddy amateur when it comes to summing up the current economic crisis.

I’ll definitely be recommending this track to my friend so he can blast this out of his windows during the G8 riots/protests this week.

I’d suggest the cheap pyrotechnics too but I wouldn’t want him to get shot by a trigger happy copper.

Frank said...

Well done! And what about an in-depth article about how ex-death metal band members are signing up at the unemployment offices in Brandon, FL?

Anyway, there's a lot of mustachioed beer drinkers in Central Europe, too...maybe we must investigate!

Lucho Metales said...

I played the track backwards, and the lyrics predict the ousting of GM CEO Rick Wagoner. Amazing! Who knew that metal had such powers? I'm now afraid that, as Exodus said, the Toxic Waltz really WILL start sweeping the nation, and cause devastation!

Scot said...

Please post the lyrics to the song "Heavy Metal Ears" because I have to know what that is about.

Anonymous said...

Nice to see a Picture mention, I really like this band, even though they've been around since before I was born. "Diamond Dreamer" is a great album. Their singer Shmoulik Avigal (hope I spelled that right) sang on The Rods' last album I think, 'Heavier Than Thou', but I'm too lazy to look it up.
And although I unfortunately can't help the request for the 'Heavy Metal Ears' lyrics, I can offer a link to some youtube vid of them performing it, maybe someone can decipher the lyrics:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zwtk9Xhl98c

alex_sotheran said...

That blew my mind.

KEEPITOLDANDCRUSTY said...

Thank god the recession will rid us of the depressing new wave of CRUNK NU-METAL REAGGAETON hype that is bound to crawl out of SGD's BUTTCHEEKS!! ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY SPINAL TAP AND IT'S VARIOUS MOUSTACHED COUNTERPARTS....

Gene Hoglan's Balls said...

this band fucking rules and this record is a KILLER slab of judas priest inspired raging 80s metal! totally underrated and underappreciated band. excellent and timely post!

jared said...

this post is 100000000% backed by me. i can say no more.

Scot said...

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED:

we gonna bring the world in a revolution
everyday i be metal at school
it will be world of destruction
we gonna rock out the disco fool

we gonna give our people heavy metal ears
rock and roll with ever live on
it will be the age of heavy metal ears
we'll play music and we'll be strong

heavy metal ears
heavy metal ears
deeaaghhhhnnn on everyone i see
rock and roll gonna give them to me

Anonymous said...

Always thought it was "every day heavy metal at school", but "every day I be metal at school" is also a possibility, hadn't occurred to me. Nice sleuthing!

Anonymous said...

this site makes my work day much better. To be in your 30's and into metal doesn't seem as gay.

Anonymous said...

The lead singer looks exactly like Murderface.

Snarzdar said...

I can't believe you guys even know who picture is. I can't believe anybody does. Their self titled record is the hot shit.

BOMBERS!

Lucky Archer - Lakis Velotris said...

Recent pretense at scholarship has claimed the Balkans possess an unusual resilience in the face of economic hardship. What this really manifests is a paranoia which is oblivious to weather, disease or economic externalities but instead blames some tribal enemy. It is for this reason that Huntington's Clash of Civilization correctly put Orthodox Christianity in the islamosoviet block. Islam in fact spun off from Byzantium when Justinian's closing the Olympics fostered the Bubonic Plague. We Greek Americans know full well that Yiayia keeps blaming cold soda rather than any microbiology for our cold. We also are keenly aware that most of our relatives do not even remember any disease or economic or even natural disaster if they are unable to pin blame on a tribal opponent.

upholstery cleaning Reno said...

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function rooms melbourne said...

I’ll definitely be recommending this track to my friend so he can blast this out of his windows during the G8 riots/protests this week.