Monday, March 23, 2009

We need to buy Tom G Warrior a new jacket


I like to help the less fortunate. When I see a lost dog, I take it home and make posters to find its owner. When I have leftovers from a restaurant, I give them to the homeless man on the street who has just soiled himself. I can't help myself, it's a part of who I am. I can identify those who are in need, and quickly come up with a plan to help them out. Many who live in the western hemisphere worry about those who are hungry in Africa, those who struggle with poverty in Central America...but they often ignore the less fortunate who are often right at their doorstep. Who am I talking about? I'm talking about Tom G Warrior. You see, it's at this time of year that my wife and I decide what charities we will give to, and while doing research online I found the most worthy cause of all...a new jacket for Tom G. Now, I know what you are saying "Hey what about the starving children?" Well, I must ask you "what about Tom G?" Mr. Warrior has given us all so much (let's not forget that amazing track Cherry Orchards ) so why shouldn't we give back? It was a similar concern that forced me to bring up how badly Dan Lilker needs a new pose for pictures. But back to dear Tom, please look at these pictures, some of which date back to 2005! The man has been wearing the same horrible motorcycle jacket for years!













We must act now! Time is of the essence! Please, send all your money via PayPal to Metal Inquisition along with what type of jacket you think we should buy for Tom. Here are the choices.


This would be a fantastic choice, due to its versatility. Everyday I see young black kids who are hella' hip-hop wearing these. Who would have thought that a Nascar jacket would appeal to hip hop audiences? If it's good enough for them, why not Tom G?



Again, a little hip hop never did anyone any harm. These were kinda' popular back when Tom started wearing his current leather jacket, so he'd feel right at home in one of these.


Who would have thought that Members Only jackets would make a comeback? I guess all is fair in love and war, and ironic fashion. Again, due to its soft leather material, Tom G would have no trouble jumping into this fantastic brown number. For the longest time I've been thinking about how Tom needs more earth tones in his wardrobe, so this would fit right in with my fashion strategy for him.



Okay, this one is a bit out there, but if anyone can pull it off it's Tom. I mean, the guy was able to pull off an album like Cold Lake while retaining his street cred...why not test the limits?





You may think this option is a joke, but if you're down with the old school, you probably remember that Reed St Mark wore a jacket like this for a good while during the late 80s. Damn the internet, I can't find a picture of it...but I swear it. If anyone can find a picture of it, let me know.

If you review the pictures of Tom above, you will see his terrible soul patch and his love for hats. Could it be? Could Tom be suffering from the terrible double-whammy? I think so. The poor guy has a mild case of Robb Flynn's Disease AND he's going bald. Here's a rare picture of Tom without a hat, where we see the last remnants of his once brittle, metal mane. Don't ask me why he's painted white, perhaps Celtic Frost is reuniting once again as a mime troupe, what do I know?




Oh yes, I forgot to mention that if we raise enough money we will also buy Tom a new pair of shoes. Seriously, how can we let one of metal's leading pioneers wear platform boots that even an Eastern European raver would laugh at?

35 comments:

  1. Clearly evidence shows that this is the onset of Rob Flynn's disease. Trust me, I'm a doctor...almost.

    "HEEEEEEY, I SAID...HEEEEEEY!" -

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  2. Fuck all that. If I'm dishing out cash he better be getting a buckskin jacket with the fringe running down the arms. The orthopedic shoes can stay.

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  3. I agree the orthopaedic shoes should stay; and perhaps suggest that the jacket might actually be part of an ensemble designed conceal a truss. All those years of shredding has left our man with a troublesome hernia. What I want to know is what’s under the hat/tea cosy? Are we talking a bald spot of Friar Tuck proportions or maybe a receding hairline that requires bandaging like Brett Michael’s? Oh and I have to say that I’m a big fan of the beard in the pic where he is wearing the mesh hat; that look is usually favoured by cycle couriers drinking a cappuccino whilst riding over cobblestones. Oh and I vote M&M’s.

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  4. I vote for the red one, but I don't think Celtic Frost really managed to maintain street cred with Cold Lake. It's like one big shit sandwich that we all had to take a bite out of.

    @darley, I'm with you on finding out what's under the hat, is it something to do with 'the days have come when the steel will rule and upon his head a crown of gold'? Maybe the MI staff could do an investigation into that?

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  5. Should a new beanie be included as well or must Tom wear it until it becomes threadbare and he learns to accept his male-pattern baldness?

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  6. The first thing I thought of was, "Ya, a new jacket would do dude good (Members Only!), but he needs help with a new bro beanie!"
    A cowboy hat bent-to-hell and painted by a meth-ed out artist coupled with bedazzled bandanas seems to work wonders for other balding longhairs.

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  7. Agh! My ex-boyfriend had this very same jacket and he would wear it frequently!

    My new jacket vote goes the red pleather/zippered creation. It looks vaguely country-western and Tom kind of looks like a chubby version of some Rob Zombie movie character so they go together.

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  8. D, i'm glad he's your ex. i'd hate to see that damn jacket on a daily basis. good riddance.

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  9. I'm also all for the buckskin with the fringe. It could give him that Lenny Kravitz vibe that's been eluding him for so long.

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  10. It may not be leather but i vote this one! we all know ol'tom has a bit of an insecurity thing going on so this should perk him right up.

    http://tshirtslayer.com/item/tenhornedbeasts-doomblack-metal-jacket

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  11. he looks like UDO in the bottom pic ha

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  12. Wow, the singer from Pudddle Of Muddd is aging badly.

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  13. As soon as I saw the beanie, I knew what lurked underneath. At this point, he should probably just own it and shave it all off. I don't find the soul patch quite as offensive as the pubestache that he rocked during the Hellhammer days, but he's fooling nobody right now.

    And "Monotheist" is what it took for me to forgive him for "Cold Lake."

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  14. http://cgi.ebay.com/Super-Sweet-Leather-8-Ball-Jacket_W0QQitemZ320352174888QQcmdZViewItemQQptZUS_CSA_MC_Outerwear?hash=item320352174888&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14&_trkparms=72%3A1205%7C66%3A2%7C65%3A12%7C39%3A1%7C240%3A1318%7C301%3A1%7C293%3A1%7C294%3A50

    Problem solved.

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  15. You should see some of the pics I took of him. 15 years later and I'm still laughing!

    check em out..

    http://www.altvalleyvision.co.uk/Portals/92/pix/image003.jpg

    http://www.altvalleyvision.co.uk/Portals/92/pix/image002.jpg

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  16. Did anyone else catch wind of this?

    From: NIFELHEIM (228697823)
    To: (0)
    Date: Feb 8, 2009 2:17 AM
    Subject: FUCK Tom Warrior

    Tom Gabriel Fischer (aka Tom "Warrior") is one of the most insincere pieces of shit in the underground metal scene. His entire persona is fake, only put on to attract attention and adoration.

    For the most part, he seeks this attention from the legions of female fans that he keeps in touch with via MySpace and even email or phone. He uses the same messages with each of them, ver batim, and then takes some moral high road when called on his bullshit.

    Once he has been confronted by the man of whatever girl he is attempting to seduce, he backs down like the fucking coward that he is, talking of Christian values, of all things.

    Darkness and death? Please. There is nothing dark about this feeble poser. So he took a concept already established by other bands (such as Venom and Bathory) and made music that became influential. So what? That was only in the interests of killing boredom and attracting girls, since his grim, troll-like appearance made it difficult to meet girls otherwise.

    One has to look no further than the late 80s to see what a terrible poser this scumbag is and was. He tried to seel out back then, but no one was buying. That's why his band called it quits.

    Once it became cool to be involved in Black Metal, he resurrected his old band and made another album, followed by a tour that served her massive ego more than anything. His own bandmates saw what a pathetic loser that he still was, after all this time, and the band has since been terminated.

    After years of talking poorly of the Hellhammer material, he finally embraced these old works after realizing that they were popular in the underground and that it was cool to like Hellhammer. He saw that there were a few dollars left to be made off of the legacy of this project and he jumped at the chance to cash in.

    Don't be fooled by this cocksucker. He is a piece of shit unworthy of breathing. Fuck Tom Warrior, fuck his music and his fake persona. People like him are a fucking dime a dozen and exactly the type we don't need in the underground metal scene.

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  17. If anything, I would buy the man a good night's sleep. His eyes look like he's stayed up 666 days straight carrying the dark abyssmal weight of the world's bleak dreary misery on his back.

    Uggggh...

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  18. The man wrote Dethroned Emperor, Morbid Tales and Procreation of the Wicked! He could dress up in purple silk sheets and and answer to the name "Cherry" for all I care. Hellhammer sucks though!

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  19. How about we pitch in and by him a gun so he can finish the job? Won't need a coat after you cap one in the skull. If you must insist on a coat however, I vote for an 8 Ball jacket.

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  20. Make sure that you buy the jacket and ship it to him. If he gets to choose the jacket, he will buy one of those long long trench coat things like Judas Priest / Queensryche / Matrix / Mortiss / etc.

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  21. It should come as no big revelation that Tom Warrior is a creep.

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  22. Hey here's that pic of Reed St. Mark in that jacket...

    http://img26.imageshack.us/img26/4821/folderkll.jpg

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  23. there´s a simple explanation for the shoes...he is as tiny as a hobbit and tries to compensate

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  24. Jesus,the shoes are horrible.that jacket is ok,the beanie too.but those shoes...no way,he should never wear such shoes!!!buy him new shoes,ask me for the money

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  25. The shoes are horrible.But I believe he's a sweetheart,he has that special look in his gentle eyes.The jacket and the beanie are ok,I wear my leatherjacket for 12 jears now,its a real cool vintage piece.
    AND I'D LOVE to see Celtic Frost as pantomimes,hey that would be...unconventional :)

    Is he?Tiny as a hobbit?Does anone know his size?

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  26. he must be 5'5" max.

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  27. No way,he looks much much taller on photos...

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  28. Oh,this is....offending.You should apologize to him.I don't think this is..delightful sense of humor.

    Still aughing about this pics??
    http://www.altvalleyvision.co.uk/Portals/92/pix/image003.jpg

    http://www.altvalleyvision.co.uk/Portals/92/pix/image002.jpg

    Gee,I think he looks...human.Whats so funny about that..those were the 80es.
    And woman like him.From then to nowadays....
    I'd like to know why all you folks like writing things like all this above...really...

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  29. It's amazing folks still believe this old fart.

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  30. I'm also all for the buckskin with the fringe. It could give him that Lenny Kravitz vibe that's been eluding him for so long.

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  31. So, 2014 will see no riddance of the JACKET...
    https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/q82/s720x720/1524704_581364998597335_548732940_n.jpg

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  32. He's gotta think about the pension pot.

    After all, we are all getting older, init?

    Good luck to him - ego 'n all - cos he clearly ain't loaded enuf for a hair transplant :)

    PS: - Agree about Cold Lake. That were an oops;)

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