Friday, March 20, 2009

The day that Dave Murray blew me off

You have to love the reddish/orange skin color that british people get when they drink too much and are left out in the sun too long.


A few years ago, I was meeting up with a friend in the streets of Manhattan. It was an incredibly cold day, and I didn't have any gloves on. One of the things you have to love about New York (and there aren't many) is that you can basically go out into the streets nude, and within five seconds you can buy an entire outfit, a wallet, gold chains, a fake rolex and a Louis Vuitton purse for about $5...all from street vendors.




On that day, I went up to a street vendor who looked to be Middle Eastern, and asked him how much he wanted for a pair of gloves. "Five dollah for glove. But for you my friend, four dollah. You need lady gloves." Okay, I should tell you that I'm a rather short man, a manchild if you will. People often think I'm a good bit younger than I am...and now this guy was saying I needed women's gloves because of my size? Oh, hell no. After he said it, he chuckled a bit. I was insulted. I mean, is there anything lower than a street vendor? I was getting made fun of by the lowest form of life. I disregarded his comment, and tried on the men's gloves in order to show him that my man-sized hands needed man-sized gloves. Sadly, he was right. They were gigantic on my small child-like hands. With my tail between my legs, I gave him four dollars and took the smaller, women's gloves.

Why on earth am I telling you this story? Because much in the same way that a street vendor once made fun of me, the other lowest form of human life that exists on this planet also made fun of me once...and in a very inventive way. I am talking, of course, about Dave Murray of Iron Maiden.

Can you tell which of the pictures above is of the Cryptkeeper and which one is of Dave Murray? I sure can't.


Dave Murray, or the Crypkeeper as I like to call him is a dick. Let me tell you why. Some years ago, Mr. Awakening (a founding member of M.I. who is now too good to post anymore) and I went to see Iron Maiden. We had pretty good tickets, and were excited to see the show. As we walked around and looked for redneck metalheads to make fun of, we were elated to find an unusual surprise in the midst of the audience. There, for no reason at all, walking around the crowd was none other than Rick Ta Life. This was unusual, as this concert was not taking place near New York City, New Jersey or any other places were such creatures are often seen in the wild. It was as majestic as seeing a cheetah in its native environment.

Nice bullet proof vest, I guess. I wonder if he knows that it looks like he's an umpire behind home plate, or that he's wearing an apron so he can get some baking done at his mom's house.

Okay, so let's put Rick To Life aside for a minute, because that's not what this story is about. There we were, enjoying ourselves, listening to Motorhead play from afar. I was talking to some people, showing them my new phone. I was a relatively late adapter of cell phone technology, and was rather proud of my Sony Ericsson handheld device. In retrospect, the phone was a piece of crap, and Mr Awakening had the same phone as I did...only he kept and used his until last year! The phone looked a bit like this one, but crappier and older.


The one function I loved the most about the phone was its camera. This being a long time ago, the camera was actually not integrated into the phone. Weird, I know. The camera was actually a small device that you plugged into the phone in order to take pictures. Anyway, as I was showing off my cool new phone, I saw an unmistakable sight off in the distance. I saw a tall man with a huge orange pumpkin face. The pumpkin-faced man had a head as round and large as a tortilla, and he proudly wore what looked like lace-up boxing boots and spandex pants. I asked myself, who is this man? Spandex? Pumkin face? Is it Lance Armstrong with a pumpkin on his head getting ready to box someone? I was confused by this dadaist creature. As I looked more closely, I saw that it was certainly Dave Murray of Iron Maiden. His dried up hair resembled straw, and his crater-like acne scars were visible all over his disgusting pumpkin face.

Who knew that british guys in metal bands were into Tommy Bahama clothing? If you like Dave's shirt, please look here, for more great fashion statements courtesy of Tommy Bahama.

Since I was so excited about my new camera phone, I told everyone that I was showing my phone to that I was about to go get a picture with Dave. I started to walk up to the toritlla-faced cryptkeeper. I should tell you that I was doing this as a bit of a joke, being that I also have pictures with the likes of Manowar and Danzig. Anyway, as I went up to him, I clearly saw his backstage passes, his Maiden shirt, his receding hairline, and finallyl got a better view at his huge jackolantern face. I saw him there, standing quietely, looking off into the distance. He was drinking a beer by the hot dog stand, looking bored. Wasting no time, I went up to him and said "Hey, can I get a picture?" I showed him my awesome Sony Ericsson phone, to clarify what I meant. Quickly, and without much thought he responded in a British accent with a slight lisp (another clear sign that it was indeed the pumpkin faced Murray.) "No mate, I'm not Dave from Iron Maiden." At first, I thought he was joking. I hadn't even said who I thought he was, and yet he knew I wanted a picture with "Dave from Iron Maiden." I said "Ah come on. I have a new phone, I want a picture." He looked at my phone and said "Nah, everyone thinks I'm Dave Murray...but I'm not. Sorry mate." Perhaps he was offended by my crappy phone? I didn't know what to make of his response. Did all British people seriously say "mate" that much? I was confused.




At this point, there was little I could do. The people I was with were looking at me from afar, wondering what was going on. I had to walk away, and forget the whole thing. So I did, or at least I tried to. As I left the large shadow that his huge head created (sans picture), I heard a female voice say "Oh my god, are you Dave Murray!", I then heard Dave respond "Oh yes I am!" I turned around to see Dave hugging two forty-something moms in leather pants, posing for a picture with them. I stood there in disbelief. Apparently Dave was not aware of the motto that all men should abide by. Bros before Hos. After he posed for a picture with them, he talked to them briefly and took them through a gate into the backstage area. Although I fully understood that he had a sudden man-urge and needed to be with these aging metal mamas, I was also aware of how badly I had just been blown off. I briefly pictured the aging women kissing his acne scars, as well as the crackling sound that his brittle hair made as the leather clad rednecks ran their hands through it. I was pissed. When I got back to our group of friends I retold the story, and they all laughed at me. Perhaps what made it worse was that I wanted the picture as a joke. I was not a mad fan who had to have a picture with Mr Tortilla face, I just wanted a funny picture I could send to friends. Half an hour later, Maiden hit the stage...and there was Dave Murray, wearing the Maiden shirt, spandex pants and boots I had just seen him wearing as he escorted the ladies into his love lair.




To this day, when I see a picture of Dave Murray I recoil in horror, and not just because of his Garbage Pail Kids-like bulbous face, his acne scars or his receding hairline. I recoil because like the street vendor, he managed to mock me for no reason at all...when in reality I'm clearly higher up in the food chain than both of them. I mean, aren't I? Perhaps not. Perhaps both stories actually prove that I'm below both of them in the grand scheme of things...and maybe that's why I'm so pissed.

Because I'm still confused about this ordeal, and I don't know how to end this post, I will leave you with this video of the "manualist" playing some Maiden. He's really just an extra from The Sopranos sitting on his camouflage couch in Jersey, but perhaps he can help us all reach some closure. Enjoy.

52 comments:

Anonymous said...

Funny i always figured he was gay.
Maybe not.

Lou.C.Fer said...

Hilarious post! you are right he looks like the cryptkeeper, I wonder what the hell was Rick ta life doing outside his habitat ...maybe setting his merch stand to sell bootlegs for the price of originals?

Lady Metal said...

Never trust someone whose face looks like a cookie.

darley said...

What a mean spirited old bastard. Just think that squash faced old fucker was out there supping cheap beer for the express purpose of scoring with menopausal cusp mamas. Mate console yourself with the very real fact that it is infinitely better to be blown off by Dave Murray than to blow him while Nico McBrain watches.

alex_sotheran said...

Mate, that's an awful story mate. I'm really sorry for you mate.

Sergeant D said...

Apparently Dave was not aware of the motto that all men should abide by. Bros before Hos.

awesome post!! you've been on point lately!! but as i was explaining to a lovely young hipster girl last night, the complete motto is actually "bros before hos EXCEPT AFTER SHOWS." sorry dawg.

let's get fucked up and listen to brokencyde next weekend!!

Sergeant D said...

setting his merch stand to sell bootlegs for the price of originals?

or having a contest with neil from tribal war to see who has the bigger punk rock flea market

Lucho Metales said...

Darley, I really do feel better as a result of your comment...Nicko watching would be super weird.

TheReverendDoom said...

Not to defend him but you did say "Can I get a picture?" not "Hi are you Dave?" or "Hey aren't you in Maiden?" or "Hey How's it Going?" It was pretty rude to walk up requesting a photo op which he probably gets a thousand times a day...

that's my 2 cents...

Lucho Metales said...

Mr Reverend, you're right. I'm pretty sure I said "hello", or introduced myself or something like it. I was raised by a fastidious mother...and as a result I refer even to co-workers my age as "sir". for that reason, i would be surprised if I didn't.

darley said...

Lucho, Feeling good about not sexually gratifying members of Iron Maiden should make anyone and everyone who hasn’t feel good about themselves. As a subject it hasn’t appeared in any of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books I’ve read in hospital waiting rooms, but it should be. Perhaps we should produce a metal edition. The saddest part of this all is that being in Iron Maiden means that Dave Murray no doubt has had far more casual sex than a man with his looks disserves. Such is the power of men in metal. Great for them; slightly disappointing for their female companion when her diazepam/Bacardi cocktail wears off and fucking awful for everyone else. Oh and the thing about Nico watching, vile but I bet it's happened. Well at least before Nico got scared that the baby Jesus was also watching.

xjustinx said...

"or having a contest with neil from tribal war to see who has the bigger punk rock flea market"

Woah, I haven't heard anyone mention Neil in years. I used to buy so many records off of him when he would take stuff to the Liberation Collective here in Portland. Word has it that he has a storage unit stacked to the ceiling with crazy records. I haven't seen him around in a long time, but he was always a nice dude. In the late 90s, we did a lot of shows at the house he was living at in North Portland.

Lucho Metales said...

i see inspirational posters about this very topic. the line on the poster would say:

life may suck now, but at least you're not giving Dave Murray head while Nicko watches.

By the way, Slash from Guns N Roses wrote a book in which he describes walking in on James Heatfield getting head. I'm going to use an excerpt for a post in the future. His description is classic

rob-209 said...

i always thought he was e.t.'s dad

Lucho Metales said...

regarding neil from tribal war:
apparently he moved to portland because his dog bit some girl in the face when he was still in new york...at least that was the story. the girl was some punk rock tattoo girl, who was once on the cover of some tattoo magazine. on that cover picture she was wearing a shirt that said "rabbid" which is kinda' funny.
one last thing about neil, once packed up an old Apple G3 mac that was being shipped to him. weird.

Frank said...

If that's true, then Dave Murray is really a dick.
And I'm sure you're higher than him in the human pyramid!

Robert H said...

You forgot to mention his bulbous face, acne scars and receding hairline. Hope that helps!

.. said...

Dude, you missed out on an incredible opportunity.

When you asked for a picture you should have handed him your camera and hit a killer metal pose with your bro.

A picture of you looking like a spa taken by Dave Murray is way cooler than a picture of you and Dave Murray.

Lucho Metales said...

Robert,

I use a comedic technique called "excessive repetition". I read about it in an article that prompted the start of this blog. The article was called "How to write a successful blog, and get rich writing from home", I highly recommend it. In other words, I recommend reading it.

Sergeant D said...

david letterman is a big fan of that technique, i love it!

Robert H said...

Uma... Oprah!

Robert H said...

P.S. Not to suck too much dick, but I found you guys via Bikesnob and this has become my new favorite blog on the internet. Keep up the stupidity.

darley said...

Lucho: Oh Christ, James Hetfield getting head as an image can only possibly be made worse by imagining walking in on James Hetfield giving head with Lars watching. That’s set my therapy back at least seven years and I can only blame my own dirty mind. At least Slash had an in built image filter of alcohol, hair, dark glasses and cigarette smoke to mask the worse of it. As a relative late comer to Metal Inquisition I entreat you to please re post the two Metallica related caption contests that I was too late to participate in; as a true sad act I’ve totally thought long and hard about it.

DirtyCrustyUgly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
DirtyCrustyUgly said...

Apparently this wanker was too cool to aknowledge his fans and that's too bad. I've met many band members from bands I liked and they were all very hospitable.
I met Rob Flynn at the early stages of his unfortunate disease and he was genuinely a likeable guy. I wouldn't know what to make of him today now that he's coloring his hair, wearing extemely baggy Jay Z gear and the band wearing puffy button down shirts for the filming of his new music videos. In case you haven't seen, you should have a look just to confirm that he has truely fallen off the deep end.

http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/video

DirtyCrustyUgly said...

Sorry here's the puffy shirt link, previous post didn't show it all.

http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/video/view.aspx?songID=1911

zachary said...

Is it natural for a man to sweat so profusely that it not only penetrates a bullet proof vest, but leaves stains?

The Boz said...

Aww, come on people - what kind of half-assed rock star would pose for a photo with a male fan before a show? Especially when he's busy trolling for pussy! I was particularly fond of him before, but this story makes me really like Dave Murray.

I once saw Philthy Animal Taylor come into the place I was working at the time. Of course I had to approach him to let him know that I thought he was the shit and that Motorhead are one of my favorite bands, blah blah. "Yeah, is this all the tequila you got?" was his disinterested reply. I told him yes, he grabbed the cheapest bottle and headed for the checkout line. Now that's exactly how I expect a low-rent rock star to act -I'd be disappointed if he feigned being flattered or acknowledged my admiration in any way. The dude's too cool to give a fuck, and that's why I love him!

Also, Lucho, if you're of such dimunutive stature that you wear the gloves of a lady, then I'm guessing that Danzig was all too happy to take a photo with you. It's probably a rare occasion for the Evil Elf to be photographed with someone his size. Who's taller?

Joey DeMaio's really tiny, too, despite the band's homoerotic artwork that would seek to portray him as otherwise.

Lucho Metales said...

I was a bit taller than Danzig, and I was not done growing yet. I was about 15.

angryburger said...

Lucho, me & my friend had a similar thing happened but w/ Taime Downe from Faster Pussycat. and what made it worse is that it happened not during FP's heyday in the 80's but rather in 2003! talk about being low on the totem pole :-D

Lucho Metales said...

angryburner...you're the only one that knows how i feel. its like asking an ugly girl out as a joke...and getting rejected. all of a sudden, you're the bigger loser.

savage said...

Lucho, just admit that danzig was taller. its ok man...we still love you.

Lucho Metales said...

damn it to hell, no i don't think he was! i have to finally post that damn picture once i find it. i think i'm wearing a horrible winter hat in the picture...but i'm telling you, i think i was taller.

joseph said...

Funny stuff. A similar "I'm not ___" story happened to me w/the dirtbag, beardo-hippie singer from Mewithoutyou. What a chump.

Anonymous said...

Well you can't blame Dave really. I mean you're a loser and a nobody and he's one of three guitarists in the greatest Heavy Metal band ever. Men are not created equal as proof from your crappy blog and Dave's rockin' lifestyle...In short, you suck.

Up the Irons!

GhostofCain said...

If the guy was tall he was not Dave Murray. There is an English Iron Maiden fan that looks exactly like Dave Murray but taller and travels around the world to see the band. You probably met him.

Anonymous said...

Wow, that is all I can say. This is all fucking bullshit. I came across this by accident, but I decided to stick around and read it. First of all, most of all you leaving comments are all little Jonas Brother loving little kids, that don't no shit, especially when it comes to keeping their mouths shut. This is all bullshit, and made up by some dumbass who has no life and no friends trashing people to make his sorry ass self feel better. You are obviously just jealous of somone who actually has talent. And as for the whole pumpkin thing, you can't get any more low than judging someone based on the way they look, and I doubt you're mister fuckin pretty boy.

Anonymous said...

FIRST OFF LET ME SAY FUCK ALL YOU TALKING SHIT ABOUT ONE OF THE GREATEST GUITARIST OF ALL TIME... IF YOU WERE A TRUE FAN AND KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT MAIDEN YOU WOULDNT BE TALKING SHIT ABOUT HIM EVEN IF HE JUST SAID HES NOT DAVE MURRAY. THINK ABOUT IT, IF A RANDOM GUY CAME UP TOO YOU AND SAID LETS TAKE A PICTURE ON MY NEW FAG PHONE WHAT WOULD YOU SAY...AND THEN THINK IF TWO CHICKS CAME UP TO YOU EVEN IF YOUR NOT DAVE MURRAY BUT THEY THINK YOU ARE, Y NOT BE HIM JUST TO TALK TO THOSE GIRLS.. UNLESS YOUR GAY WHICH I THINK YOU ARE. TRY SAYING ANY OF THIS SHIT TO A TRUE FANS FACE AND WATCH WHAT WOULD HAPPEN. IVE MET DAVE MURRAY IN L.A. AT THE FORUM LAST YEAR AND HE WAS NOTHING BUT AMAZING IF ANYONES TO COOL FOR FANS IT WOULD BE ADRIAN IF YOU EVEN KNOW WHO THAT IS. SO GO BACK AND CRY CUZ YOU DIDNT GET A PICTURE...IF IT REALLY WAS DAVE MURRAY HE THOUGHT YOU MUST HAVE BEEN A POSER OR LITTLE BITCH WHO DIDNT DESERVE HIS RESPECT... AND LASTLY IF DAVE MURRAY BLEW ME OFF I WOULD BE PROUD....BECUASE HOW MANY PEOPLE CAN SAY DAVE MURRAY OF IRON MAIDEN BLEW THEM OFF....BUT INSTEAD OF BEING PROUD YOUR JUST A LITTLE BITCH WHO IS PROBALEY GONNA DELETE THIS COMMENT LIKE A BITCH....LIKE A BITCH

P.S. GO BURN IN HELL YOU SCUM FUCK

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAH WTF WOMENS GLOVES WHAT A BITCH

todor (serbia) said...

look man,its his choise to take a picture with ever he wants,you take this so much personal,tommorow he wont remember you at all,i know it hurt.I really understand your bad mood,i would feel the same for sure but dont let that beat you.I LOVE IRON MAIDEN AND DAVE MURRAY but i dont take that so personal if you know what i am mean,I REALLY SORRY MAN.UP THE IRONS

Anonymous said...

That is quite possibly the most pathetic thing I've ever read!! Are you a child or do you just act like one. Grow up get some balls and get on with it!! If I was in his shoes I would have told you to fuck off and I'm sure I'm not the only one. How would you like it if you were trying to have a life and stupid fags kept asking you for photos, It would be fun for the first hour but 20 years later the novelty wears off!

Anonymous said...

Fuck You for being such a little bitch about it. Quit being bitter about everything and live up to the fact that youre a worthless piece of shit whose life doesnt mattter to anyone.

Neil said...

This is why you think HE'S a dick? This is why YOU ARE A DICK. I can't help but wonder what you look like. I bet I could find 10 things about your face to repeatedly make fun of...dick. Why should he want to have his picture taken with you? Because you're obviously such a good hearted person? Judging from your rant here, you would be a complete asshole if you were slightly worthy of fame.

A substitute for natural selection said...

I heard dave was an ahole. But I also read many times that he's literally a midget. Being supernaturally unapproachable myself, I have to play devils advocate. But I'm calling BS on this one.

stephan said...

you deserved it all because you are the one who is low-life form midget with a lot of frustrations. you dare to say that someone is ugly and make fun of him and you are midget with girly hands!?
what ever you said about dave murray taking this ladies and stuff are very unreliable material considering you are ungry.
and to cap it all, youa re stupid because you wanted picture with the man from 'trash-like' reasons so you could laught to sth in your miserable dwarf life by putting maiden in the same league of 'trash' with manowar

Stefan said...

and yes, of course, all of that could be made up

Anonymous said...

ROFL, I read that comment on the first Murray pic and thought I was at the Black Panther website!

Anonymous said...

I think this is a stupid story about my face. Ever considered that life stinks, also for members of Iron Maiden? -try to accept it lad.

Brucie said...

Funny blog, made me chuckle on several occasions which is difficult as I was concentrating on eating some biscuits.

I like Dave Murray, he's got chops and a wicked moonface. I don't know much about the author other than he is a small person with lady hands...which is probably why Dave blew you off. I can't say I blame him. The fact that you thought it would be a funny photo opportunity says that you probably smelt funny to Dave so he did the right thing and then rubbed salt into the wounds by cosying up to some old women. Well done Davey and Up The IRONS. Funny story BTW.

Anonymous said...

If I was Dave Murray I would pick the chicks over the mullet sporting redneck with the womens hands and the gay k-mart camera phone.
Get your head out of your ass buddy...Dave is one of the nicest down to earth people you would ever meet

Anonymous said...

I met some metal stars over the years. And I must say Dave is the nicest of them all. He was not only nice to me because I'm a female. (I'm overweight and not exactly a model either)He was nice to my son, my boyfriend and all other fans there. Met him twice. Talked to him as well. Not just posed for a pic. He even gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. He even took a photo of my BF and some other fans with his iphone. Even gave a sigarette to a fan. Nice things happen to nice people. Thats all I can say

Anonymous said...

I read this a few weeks ago and honestly don't know what is still bugging me more, the creepy gloves story, calling Dave Murray the lowest form of life only because you couldn't get a pic, your reference to "aging" women, the superficial comments about his appearance or the comment that someone posted to appear as if it were Dave himself. This whole thing is downright disturbing. First of all, Dave is extremely handsome. We all inevitably age, even you cannot escape this part of life. You will be rethinking this unkind and slanderous post when you are in your mid fifties, I guarantee it. Now what would make you call him the lowest form of life or a "d" just because he blew you off? Why do you think he owes you anything at all? Can you imagine the years and years of countless people constantly approaching him? How difficult that must be.....what makes you so special?.....nothing!! He is the special one, amazingly talented and dedicated to what he does. You may be a good writer....how about using your talents for a more positive contribution.