Monday, March 9, 2009

Tom Araya officiall hits the wall. Wall reports severe pain as a result of being hit so hard, is left whimpering.



Good god, just look at Tom. Mary mother of jesus and baby jesus...this guy is old. I applaud him for embracing his old age by growing a crazy Jesus beard....but for god's sake, could he please embrace his old age on his own time, and in the privacy of his own home? Look, I know we're all headed in that direction (fat and old) but to rub it in our faces is a bit rough. Remember when members of Slayer looked like this:



and not like this:



It's this kind of pushing that will give you severe hemorrhoids. Ten dollars go out to anyone who can find his neck.


Is anyone else reminded of a bundle of white sage when they look at Kerry King's stupid beard thing? White sage is this crap that hippies burn at yoga studios. I'm glad that Kerry is getting in touch with his spiritual side via eastern philosophy. By the way, white sage looks like this:



But back to that old picture of Mr. King. Minus the belly shirt, that picture would lead you to believe that he was actually an alright guy back then (even if he was playing with Megadeth at the time). The second picture, I must admit, makes me want to sharpen my machete and start swinging. Now, I know what your saying "hey dude...how can you say that the first picture of Kerry is cool, belly shirts aren't cool!" Well, you are partially right. I mean, belly shirts are NOT cool, but they ARE metal. How can I prove it? By showing you a second picture of an important metal figure (at least to some) rocking a fantastic belly shirt. Enjoy.


Oooh lah lah...so sexy, all that's missing is a nice belly chain

Sheesh, for all the complaining that black metal dorks did back in the day about Anthrax ruining metal with their "shorts and skateboards", these guys surely dressed like they were ready for a day at the beach. What's that I see in the background...Pungent Stench? Godflesh...wow, nothing but the most obscure black metal for this beach bum. Surf's up! Also, look at his awful facial hair. He said he was super evil, but he was clearly influenced by Mexico's comedic actor Cantinflas. Cantinflas was pretty much the opposite of evil. Judge for yourself.




One last Slayer note. I'm sorry to post this again, but it never ever gets old. At least not to me.




Still want more? Okay. How about a depressing video of Slayer covering "Born To Be Wild". The song is terrible, but the video is of some interest because it's about the only time that Tom's bass has ever been heard. Listen to his pointless clanging about :25 into the video.

46 comments:

Frank said...

There's a thing about Slayer I really enjoy...that's Jeff Hanneman. That guy really knows what privacy is.
K.King, instead...I'm pretty sure He will be a part of some reality show when Slayer shall be history.
Funny post, Lucho!

Anonymous said...

Is that a young Jack Black talking about his devotion of Slayer.

Anonymous said...

Euronymous looked like a gay pygmy version of John Garcia from Kyuss.

TheReverendDoom said...

Tubs is reason #1 why countries like China have state sponsored birth control. The guy can't string more than 3 words together to form a cohesive sentence. Guess that is what happens when your mom strangles you with the umbilical cord.

Mick said...

I wonder why so much fuss about Slayer... the absolute top for atrocious dress always goes to Pantera for me. Every single pic of that band is an explosion of white thrash, rob flynn disease and plain teenager bad taste. Post some pics of Dimebag or the fat drummer (can't remember the name), any one.

thefleX said...

Haha, I was thinking about Jack Black as well

Anonymous said...

It ain't over till Araya starts doing AARP commercials!

callpastorbob said...

I honestly starting laughing out loud at the "Born To Be Wild" cover. That has to be one of the worst lead vocals in the history of recorded sound.

Oh how the mighty have fallen...

tiago said...

Sure tom araya beard is funny.
But that euronymous pic is just priceless! The shirt, the facial hair, the crossed eyes, the records (i tought death metal was strictly forbidden on helvette), this single picture deserves a proper post! Making fun of black metal should be mandatory in this blog, weekly at least!
I think euronymous looks like jonathan davis from korn too.

Pencil said...

I always thought Jonathan Davis looked like he had down's syndrome, so I guess euronymous does too....I know this is off topic but does anyone else think that Fenriz looks a little like Kid Rock? anyone? Bueler?

Asa said...

Uh, I don't find their snoreworthy Steppenwolf cover to be notable for Tom's bass being absent from the mix...his bass has been inaudible on most of their recordings for decades.

You know what's impressive though? The old Reign-era tour footage where he would be playing solid fingerstyle and STILL keeping the vocals consistent.

alex_sotheran said...

I'm not going to comment on this post because you're taking the piss out of Slayer and Euronymous.

Lucho Metales said...

fenriz = kid rock. gold, pure gold. same thing with euronymous and the korn guy. amazing. i've seen other pictures of helvette or whatever the store was called, and there was earache posters and records all over the place. ooops.

as far as tom's bass being audible...i must confess that the last slayer album i have is decade of agression. if you look at my posts the are all what i call "metal in the past tense". its the sarge that keeps up with trends. i dont think i've ever really posted about bands that started or became known after 1994 or so, which is when i basically retired from metal life (as an active member).

about making fun of black metal, it was a our bread and butter at first...but i think people got sick of it. i have one or two black metal posts coming up...but i really ask myself if they are worth it. i mean, making fun of black metal is like punching a baby...it might be satisfying, but its just way too easy.

surgeon bong said...

on the topic of weekly posts, where's a wigger slam update? It's got what plants crave...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTa8PPgINTc

twin earth said...

For the world´s biggest Slayer fan, Tubs sure did a bad job of painting the logo. Just look at that "Y". Also, I really wonder what kind of wisdom he got out of listening to Slayer.

Lucho Metales said...

there's lots of wisdom to be had through slayer. for example, tom asks us all "do you wanna' die?"...his questions makes us all think about our life and our goals. similarly, because of slayer, if i'm ever trapped inside a car, i now know what the only way to exit is...piece by piece.

Asa said...

Lucho, that's entirely understandable...Slayer's output post-Seasons (and therefore, Decade as well), as I'm sure you know, hasn't exactly been up to par.

With that said, I don't think Tom's bass is audible on Reign, either.

Pencil said...

Also, in regards to wisdom gained by listening to Slayer: I had no idea there was such a thing as Infernal Furniture, like the "Table of Hell" he speaks of in
Altar of Sacrifice, because before that I assumed there were only Altars of Death in Hell. It leaves one to ponder what other sorts of
furnishings you might find down below. Davenport in Diabolus?

Lucho Metales said...

Ikea has an entire line of infernal furniture coming up. It's low in quality, but high in evilness. the line will include thrones, altars, tables and even a small stool of the damned, should be popular with young buyers with a tight budget. perhaps the most evil part about the furniture, is that will ship without instructions....EVIL!

Frank said...

Araya kicked ass on "Hell awaits" (listen to "Pray for death")!
They unplugged his 4 string later on...

twin earth said...

OK lucho, I stand corrected. And there I was thinking that all you could learn from Slayer was trivia about Dr. Josef Mengele, the "Angel of Death". Little did I know that Slayer have such philosophical appeal!!
Coming back to that badly drawn logo: it just dawned on me that it looks like Tubs wrote "SLAER" first, then he noticed his mistake and somehow fit in the "Y". Slightly less embarassing than "SLAER" I guess...
On another note, Euronimous looked like a dick. No wonder Vikernes offed him.

Lucho Metales said...

the banner behind Tubs is official...by that I mean that the video was taken from an official slayer dvd.

as far as Mengele and Angel Of Death, ugh...I still feel rather uneasy about that song. I saw Slayer in the midwest many times, and the audience was packed with Nazis. I know that's not their fault exactly. let's just say that singing about Mengele is in bad taste, at the very least. Sorry if I seem overly sensitive or PC to anyone...but there are other brutal things you can sing about without having to use lines like the ones used in that song. I know, it was done to shock...but damn.

savage said...

pretty much hell awaits is the only record that you can hear araya's bass on, but you guys are forgetting one awesomely bad moment: the cover of in-a-gadda-da-vida from the less than zero sound track.

in that book about black metal they quote euronymus as saying they had to have earache releases and other "popular" records to get any business in the store at all. to keep it afloat.

cliff said...

I still think Araya is one of the few metal guys to really age gracefully. Maybe it's just in comparison to Kerry King, but he looks downright stately.

Lucho Metales said...

savage, you're right. i remember that part of the book, it's just funny that in some interviews he'd say how the store was for true black metal only and all this stuff. blah blah, oh well.

Chris said...

I'm not sure if they did this just to piss people off or they really are a terrible covers band.

Nascar Slayer

mallcorekidsdie said...

that video is chris farley's brother?? think he killed more brain cells than farley did.

zachary said...

As an avid sports fan, I can say that geriatric Slayer + Best Damn Sports Show Period + Tom Arnold = torture. God, that is a fucking awful TV show. Just give me two old and out-of-touch sports columnists bickering for 30 minutes and leave the bikini models and washed up rock bands out of it. PTI is gold.

Back to Slayer: what point do those heavy metal chains serve? Is Kerry King so metal that he refuses to wear leather belts because they're for casual non-bald/non-metal fags like you and me? I'd imagine heavy metal chain belts would be rather cumbersome -- especially if they weren't made of cheap plastic.

I need more videos of Tubs, preferably with Jon Becker.

Brocas Crelm said...

Goddamn, way to wigger up that Steppenwolf cover, Slayer.

Lucho Metales said...

i wonder if those chains are even part of his belt...maybe not. i bet they are just pieces of chain that hang from a normal leather belt.

slayer should have played on Inside The NFL, maybe they could cover that NFL song...the one that makes it sound like they're going into battle...is it for NFL on NBC or something? I don't know, but whenever it plays I'm like Pavlov's dog, and head over to the TV to watch some football. Oh..or they could cover that country song from last year "are you ready for some fooot-balllll"

Frank said...

Yep, "In a gadda da vida"...I liked that cover, actually. You can even hear Tom's bass on it!

alex_sotheran said...

OK OK, I will leave a comment. Yeah BM is easy to take the piss out of, except back in the day when everyone was killing everyone else. I also agree Fenriz is the Norwegian equivalent of Kid Rock, but he also comes across as a bloody good bloke these days. I read the recent interview with him in Terrorizer and thought I´d really enjoy a camping trip with him into the woods of Norway.

Slayer got lame after Seasons in the Abyss, it all sounds the same to me after that, except for the punk covers album, the name of which I forget.

savage said...

dude, that "punk" covers album, undisputed attitude, sucks so hard. they bastardize every last one of those songs.

Lucho, posts about black metal are always hilarious. i dont care how played out you think it has gotten. keep 'em coming.

Lucho Metales said...

alex, thank you for joining in.

i agree, fenriz sounds okay these days. kinda funny and nice...but then not so much. more like dopey, and running around in the woods with his mom's candelabra.

i'd go camping with him..we'd have fun...and on day three he'd say "where are you from originally?" i would tell him south america...and he'd start going on and on about how Darkthrone played "pure Norweigian Aryan Black metal."

i would then tell him that my father was part Jewish, and he'd say: "well, If you should attempt to criticize this camping trip, you should be thoroughly patronized for your obviously Jewish behaviour."*

*this quote is a modified version of the statement in the Transilvanian Hunger booklet. So yes, nice guy and all..but...you know...

twin earth said...

I agree with Alex that Fenriz really comes across like an agreeable guy in the last couple of years. It seems that he just stayed a normal guy who is really into rock music. A camping trip with him would surely be fun. Imagine getting completely wasted in the woods and talking shit about the most obscure albums...And Lucho, I think that Aryian Black Metal bullshit falls in the same category as Slayers "Angel of Death": an attempt to appear really tough and piss of the mainstream without any deeper ideological substance behind it. I think Fenriz can be forgiven for that, but I can also understand when people are insulted by it.
BTW, what happened to all the other MI staff? Recently you do all the posting. The others all have new girlfriends or what?

savage said...

besides Lucho, the MI staff are too busy shopping for bermuda shorts and expensive watches with the teenage mutant ninja turtles posing on 12, 3, 6, and 9.

Anonymous said...

"pure Norweigian Aryan Black metal."

I quite sure its meant to be ironic judging by the outro on En As i Dype Skogen

Sergeant D said...

besides Lucho, the MI staff are too busy shopping for bermuda shorts and expensive watches with the teenage mutant ninja turtles posing on 12, 3, 6, and 9.

lucho is busy shopping for new curtains at pottery barn with his wife, or maybe putting new tile in their guest bathroom in the basement. not sure which is better/worse.

alex_sotheran said...

Lucho, I agree, Darkthrone have done a lot of stupid things in the past, including that odious press release (it was never printed in the booklet). Although in this case I think it does come down to youthful stupidity, which I think we are all guilty of at some level or another. OK, so most of us don't make Nazi statements when releasing new records, but I feel it was an attempt to show how 'evil' they are and an attempt to wind people up, which it obviously did, same as Angel of Death, or Behind the Crooked Cross, or any quasi-Nazi Metal lyrics. Twin Earth has already said what I think anyway, so I won't repeat him/her.

As a life long BM fan I always hated the Nazi influence that crept in over the years, but I maintain I am a fan of the music and not the politics, in the same way I like NWA and Ice Cube, where they sing about killing 'Crackers'.

str8ev said...

lucho,
i think if you were camping with fenriz and he found out you were from south america he would be WAY more likely to blather on about how darkthrone was totally influenced by some band from uruguay that only released a demo in 1981.

Pedro said...

another classic belly shirts: Obituary backcover of Slowly We Rot and Mike Muir at "How Will I laugh tomorrow..." video. Nice ones.

Lucho Metales said...

Pedro, I forgot about the Suicidal belly shirts. those were classics!

I know we're all guilty of stupid stuff during our youth. I get it. The "jew" thing...what can I say, i'm sensitive to that stuff. I know...it's lame. I make my fair amount of out there jokes amongst friends..but for some reason I still remember that. I dislike people always using their youth as an excuse. As far as Ice Cube and NWA, the power dynamics in western culture make that kind of statement very different. this could into a whole race thing that I think we'd all be bored to tears with..so I'll stop there. I'll say this, Slayer's Angel Of Death seems, to me, to clearly use a shocking person and his doings for the sake of cool metal lyrics. I cringe, but I get it. Most black metal stuff...I don't know about.

alex_sotheran said...

Ok Lucho, I see what you're saying. Good point well made. Most other Black Metal isn't Neo-Nazi, it's just the idiots in the NSBM bands. Most of them are shite anyway. I could never understand how the Misanthropy of BM could mix with a Political Philosophy that is against individualism.

Anonymous said...

This shit sucks!

Kaylee said...

GOD DAYUMMMMMMMMMMMM Kerry King was fuckin hotttttt back in the day...jesus... :p

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