Metal Inquisition invades Metal Injection's Tr00 and False

We are happy to announce a new weekly addition to Metal Inquisition's output. We have taken over Metal Injection's weekly Tr00 & False column, in which we review the week in metal and tell you which way is up. Please point your browser to Metal Injection and worship at our feet.

Click here for Tr00 & False

Follow us on Twitter
On a related note, if you are not following us on Twitter, please throw yourself on a sword. Failing that, just sign up for Twitter and start reading our hilarious tweets!

Click here for Metal Inquisition on Twitter

Lonn Friend Explains The Intricacies Of Death Metal To The Masses

Yesterday's post regarding Lonn Friend (editor of Rip Magazine, and douchebag extraordainare) made me have to go reach deep within my video vaults to pull footage to add to the discourse. When I say I reached deep in the vaults, I mean deep...I had to plug in the Betamax machine (and no, I'm not kidding).

Below you will find the much talked about "Friend At Large" segment for Headbanger's Ball in which he basically breaks down what death metal is all about...and gets most of it terribly wrong. The guy is so insanely annoying too, that you just want to die a million times over while watching this clip. Morbid Angel = Kiss, Helmet is a death metal band from Seattle, Death are the Led Zeppelin of death metal....Oy.

Our friend Lonn does credit Mike Gitter, with having helped him figure out the complex world of death metal. Mike Gitter, by the way, is another genius mostly known as an A&R for labels who signed many third rate punk and hardcore-ish bands in the 90's, helping them all decline into nothingness. Today he signs terrible bands for Roadrunner. Watch and learn. And then eat your cyanide capsule.

Lonn Friend: a wretched human being

I used to watch a lot of Headbanger's Ball when I was a kid. Although many of us look back on it fondly, the truth is that it was 95% Soundgarden, Trixter and Jackyl videos and maybe if you were lucky they would sneak in a Gothic Slam video at 11:58. Wow... what a payoff for sitting through two hours of bullshit.

If there was a god, everybody in this photo would be dead

Perhaps the worst of that two hours of bullshit was the "Friend At Large" segment, featuring RIP editor Lonn Friend's inane record reviews. For example, the one I remember as particularly aggravating was the segment from 1992 or so where he talked about Entombed and Helmet, and described Helmet as "Seattle death metal." Lucho Metales has this on VHS, maybe he will post it for us.

I have no idea who this old, fat fuck is but apparently Lonn thinks he's cool

These days Lonn is still trying to impress people with pictures of himself and washed up rockers from the 80s and 90s, as you can see from some of the images here. Essentially he is like an annoying teenage groupie, only he doesn't have a vagina so he is even less welcome backstage.

Which is worse, Axl's Oakleys, or Lonn forcing his way into this picture? I leave it to you, the reader, to decide.

Most people grow out of this stage by their early 20s when they realize that people in bands are morons, but not Lonn. He's still totally stoked on hanging out with dumb guys that play guitar. In fact, he's written a book that documents it all, dropping every single name in his arsenal. His description of the book is incredibly grating, like nails on a chalkboard while your mom nags you and a baby screams in your ear from six inches away:

The stories, lessons-- I hope the book resonates with the fans because without fans, there is no rock n'roll. My journey started at Grant High, San Fernando Valley, early 70s. First musician I ever called 'friend' was Steve Lukather. Our school band became Toto. Thirty years later, Luke and I are still pals. You dig the 444? Sign of the angels? Yeah. Me and Luke on the streets of Chicago, November 06. Horns and Halos, all the way up, eh? Click the cover to order from Amazon.

Visit Lonn on MySpace