Friday, December 5, 2008

Metal Spokesmen: An Overview (Part 1 of 3)

If you've watched any American television, you've probably seen plenty of infomercials, and thus come to understand the importance of having a great spokesperson for your product. Pictured above is the exuberant and ever-present Billy Mays, who is basically like Iron Maiden's Eddie, but for Oxy Clean, and numerous other cleaning products. In the world of metal, the role of spokesman was basically started by Eddie, who has single-handedly come to represent Iron Maiden. Notice that I use the word "spokesman", not "mascot", as I see the spokesman's role as extending past that of a mascot. In this post (1 of 2) I will survey the metal landscape in order to further understand Eddie and other metal spokesmen. I will be rating them all according to my Metal Spokesman Metrics (MSM for short). Note: the scores I will give are for the spokesperson and their value, not the band or their output.


__________________________________________________________________
Eddie

I hope Eddie's insurance through Iron Maiden Corp. includes dental coverage...because eating those letters made of stone can be hard on enamel.


Eddie IS Iron Maiden. Eddie could probably go on the Home Shopping Network and sell Maiden jackets and bandanas with ease. He's the embodiment of the metal spokesperson. I imagine his voice being soothing, with a pleasant but not overbearing British accent. I'm sure he'd have his moments of anger on camera while on the Home Shopping Network...perhaps if he didn't know which camera to show the bandana to...but aside from that, he'd be a pro.

Over the years, other bands have tried to jump on the spokesman bandwagon, trying to create an identifiable brand that would create continuity in their artwork and stage shows. Eddie's versatility over the years has been truly amazing. Even though the guy seems to have no brain, and only two screws hold his skull shut, he's been able to play a mental patient, a pilot, a soldier...the list goes on and on. The guy is like the Sean Connery of metal. In a shockingly postmodern/self-referential turn, Eddie has even been asked to play a member of the very band he represents! Amazing, I know! I should tell you that I object to the fact that Maiden has fired Derek Riggs, the man who created Eddie. Looking at the current work he's doing, however, perhaps it's for the best. Take a look for yourself. By the way, did everyone see that awful video a few years ago where members of the band were racing cars inside Eddie? I think the animation was done by students at DeVry.

Coolness: 6
Evilness: 8
Backpatch worthiness: 7

Total MSM score: 21




__________________________________________________________________
Sergeant D
Could someone please explain to me what the background behind Sergeant D's head is supposed to be? Why is his head floating? Is his head mounted on a wall like a deer or something? Did Charlie just take so long to draw the face that after he was done he just said "Ah, fuck it, I'll just draw some crap as the background, I'm tired"


Sergeant D was a fictional character that members of SOD made up. I've heard them explain it as him being a "funny fascist character" before. I don't know how funny fascism can be, maybe Mr. Gene Hoglan's Balls can ask his Italian family members and let us know. I know when I think "funny", I think "fascist". Don't you? Anyway, the character was drawn with felt-tip markers (you can see it very clearly, along with the ballpoint pen lines on the LP) by Charlie. I've never understood what the background behind Sergeant D is supposed to be. Are those two metal swords with a wooden fence behind them? Why is Sergeant D's head floating magically? It also took me forever to realize that the thing in his mouth was a cigar. Charlie's foreshortening needs some work...or perhaps I need glasses. Also, if he's a "fascist" why does he have an anarchy sign on his helmet? I would say that an oppressive, totalitarian state is kinda' diametrically opposed to the concept of anarchy. No?

SOD has continued to use the character, even going as far as having him replace Eddie on the cover of one of their horrible albums. Billy Milano went on to use the same character, more or less, for MOD. And why wouldn't he? He already stole the name and the concept of the band to keep himself from starving to death. Okay, so the band name is one letter off. As I've said before, that would be like Dave Mustaine starting a band called Netallica after being kicked out of Metallica.


Coolness: 6
Evilness: 9 (He's a fascist/nazi corpse! That's plenty evil in my book.)
Backpatch worthiness: 9 (I had a small patch of the cover on my jacket, back before I knew English. Imagine my surprise when I learned English and figured out what the patch said!)

Total MSM score: 24



__________________________________________________________________
Drunk Alien
Is he flying around space in his refrigerator spaceship? Damn, Germans have ALL the cool technology!


I don't know a whole lot about Tankard's drunken alien. Partially inspired by the movie Gremlins, this fun loving character appears to enjoy alcoholic beverages from planet earth, kinda like ALF and cats. The idea of having a cute spokesman like this for your metal band is ridiculous. I get it, you're a fun German band made up of fat drunks...but having a Gremlin on your covers really ruins the whole concept as far as I'm concerned.


Coolness: 2
Evilness: 1 (I guess I'd be kinda' scared if I woke up and saw a German Gremlin going through my fridge)
Backpatch worthiness: 0

Total MSM score: 2 (*Mathematical error noted)


__________________________________________________________________
Angry Army Dude

While many thrash bands in the 80's were big fans of pseudo political content with slight lefty leanings, Laaz Rockit chose to keep it real by making an insane American army dude their spokesperson. USA! USA! USA!


Never one to innovate in any way, Laaz Rockit jumped into the spokesman arena with their angry, army guy. Clearly influenced by Rambo, this american lunatic is out to make things right for the USA. The character was seen on a few record covers and even made an appearance in Rockit's seminal video for "Fire In The Hole". In that video, the character was apparently played by the same buy who played Drago in Rocky V. I should also mention that Laaz Rockit, like Helloween, had some branding issues. At one point the band tried to change things up by going with a mad scientist whose insides were made out of toxic goo as their spokesperson. This direction didn't last. By the way, what the hell was it with thrash bands in the 80's being obsessed with toxic waste? Look for a post about that in the near future.

Coolness: 6
Evilness: 5
Backpatch worthiness: 2

Total MSM score: 13


__________________________________________________________________
Fun Pumpkin/Faceless Robe Guy


Like so many things about Germany, Helloween's spokesperson schizophrenia expresses the duality of a country still coming to grips with its political past.


Helloween tried two different directions when it came to choosing a spokesperson. First, they went with the creepy faceless dude wearing a robe. This certainly made them seem scary and magical in a way...kinda like Lord Of the Rings or something. Then, a change happened. The band wanted to be more fun, perhaps influenced by members of Anthrax wearing shorts. They wanted to have the audience sing "Happy Helloween" to the tune of "London Bridge Is Fallin' Down" in the I Want Out live EP. As a result of this change in direction, the creepy dude simply didn't cut it. So they went to the fun pumpkin guy. Personally, I like the faceless dude more...even if it's a mismatch for their musical output. I will judge both combined.


Coolness: 5
Evilness: 4 (faceless guy is cool, but the pumpkin takes it right back down)
Backpatch worthiness: 5

Total MSM score: 14



__________________________________________________________________
Flying Skull/Bat Thing


I don't know why that dude is hiding from the flying skull with bat wings, but he better watch out! That thing is shooting godamned lasers out of its eyes!


Perhaps best known for its appearance in the the Hello From The Gutter video, and thus subsequently being referenced by Bevis and Butthead, Overkill's flying skull thing has been a mainstay of Overkill's artwork from the band's start. In order to educate our readers, I should tell you that Overkill's spokesperson (not mascot damnit, these entities are integral parts of the band's brand), is named "Chaly", I don't know why. Wikipedia says:

The band also has a notable mascot (named Chaly), a skeletal bat with a skull-like face, bony wings, and green eyes. It has appeared on most of their album covers.

I'm not sure exactly how a human skull can have bat wings which are themselves not bones, but have flesh on them. This apparent mutation is exactly the type of thing that can only happen in Overkill's home state of New Jersey.

Coolness: 6
Evilness: 8 (You can laugh all you want, but if you were being chased by a flying skull...you'd agree that this thing is pretty evil)
Backpatch worthiness: 4

Total MSM score: 18

__________________________________________________________________
On Monday, part 2 will be posted. It will feature the likes of Sodom , Sacred Reich, Voivod, Anthrax, Megadeth, Quiet Riot, and even Rumble Militia. Stay tuned.

83 comments:

  1. Lucho,
    I do believe Overkill's "mascot" you are referring to that adorned all their album covers is Charlie!
    I know my shit... Laaz Rockit always sucked, from City's Gonna Burn on down the line!
    Why didnt you mention the almighty Vic Rattlehead of Megadeth fame?
    Seems mastermind Dave Mustaine has got Vic into some compromising positions over the years to which I would ask WHAT THE FUCK?
    There are many, just like Sacred Reich had "OD" the masked nuclear guy who was a ripoff of VoiVod's "Korgull" character, THE ULTIMATE METAL MASCOT!
    Or what about Corrosion Of Conformity's nuclear skull?
    There are so many, some fucking rule, others are just blatant intellectual ripoffs of Eddie!
    Never thought I would see the OxyClean guy mentioned in a blog on MI!
    The funniest site ever! You guys are liked the metallic version of Richard Pryor's remains!!!!
    -LEE

    and everyone check out my girlfriends blog, the world famous Cindy Pucci! SHES HOTTTTT!!!!
    http://cindypucci.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. How about Exhumer, Dio, and Sodom?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Great site. Billy Mays is indeed the hairiest, manliest, most metal deity in the professional sales pitch industry.

    Also, as far as metal spokesmen goes, I can understand how you didn't include the spokesman for Exumer. All of the other spokesman would have crapped their pants in fright. Thanks for looking out for the others, and saving them for embarrassment.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Don't forget to include the soldier with gas-mask (Sodom), the rat, the ape and the hippopotamus (Risk), the butcher (Destruction), and even "the ball" (Pestilence)...

    ReplyDelete
  5. Since I've studied the "Speak English or Die" cover in great detail in order to reproduce Sarge D wherever I could (even though, like Lucho, I didn't speak much English), I'd like to offer my interpretation: it represents those fences they had in Vietnam - kinda like this one, but linked with rattan, or whatever that is. And "speak English or die" is obviously directed at Victor Charlie.

    ReplyDelete
  6. the tankard alien deserves a better ranking!! of course it is not evil, but tankard never pretended to be that. the best version of the alien is actually only about 5 years old. tankard made an album (or dvd?) called "still ugly and live" or something. it shows how the alien has aged to become a middle-aged, beer-bellied, red nosed dirty old fucker. i laughed so much when i saw it for the first time.
    plus, don´t forget sodom´s "knarrenheinz" (that is his official name, it translates to something like "gun dude")!!
    i used to like vic rattlehead a lot (i am wearing a megadeth shirt that i bought when i was 15 right now), but he started to annoy me when megadeth started to suck (countdown to (their own) extinction)..

    ReplyDelete
  7. Vic and many of the others you mentioned will be featured in part 2, which will be up monday morning.

    Chris, you are completely right about the fence! I can see it now. I don't know why his head is on the fence..clearly he's dead (duh...he's a zombie/corpse guy) and his head is a trophy of sorts? that part i'm still a bit unclear about.

    regarding the name of overkill's skull, i went by what wikipedia said...but i believe you. if they're stupid enough to create such a character, they're certainly stupid enough to name it.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I don't buy the fence theory. I've always assumed it's one of those insignia patches soldiers have on their shoulders. And it would kind of make sense for SOD to have one because you know, they're "stormtroopers".

    So I say it's a skull smoking a cigar, with lightning bolts on a green and silver background.

    ReplyDelete
  9. that skull bat thing is class

    ReplyDelete
  10. The guy that played the solider in Laaz Rockitt's "Fire in the hole" was wrestler Sting not Dolph Lundgren.

    ReplyDelete
  11. re: Tankard
    Lucho, I think you may have imbibed a few too many space beers. 2+1=3

    ReplyDelete
  12. perhaps, 80s thrash bands were obsessed with toxic waste as a social commentary on the Cold War and the imminent threat of mutually assured nuclear destruction. that and the Toxic Avenger.

    ReplyDelete
  13. first of all NO WAY does Sgt D warrant a score of 24. you are only giving him that high because you are totally biased!!!

    2nD...how can Eddie not be higher? i understand we all have our own opinions about these things, but lets be honest. Eddie is the most crazy of all time! look at the time period he was created!! the 70s! did you not forget the picture depicting him stabbing Maggie Thatcher in the alleyway? TOTALLY EVIL! Eddies score needs a recount. he is the ultimate metal spokesman, hands down!!!!

    my vote for WORST/WEAKEST mascot = the Anthrax NOTman. he can fuck the hell off. queer.

    ReplyDelete
  14. What could possibly be more evil or backpatch-worthy than the Crumbsucker's crumbsucker? That chubby Raid commerical knock-off body! That Jagger eating a grapefruit pout! Evil! EVIL!

    Didn't Blain from the Accused designate Martha Splatterhead as their spokesperson back in the 80's?

    ReplyDelete
  15. the dude in the fire in the hole video is none other than former WCW champ -sting.

    the best though is the demon from kreator.....evil

    ReplyDelete
  16. I think Helloween should get credit for the scary demon dude on the cover of "Walls of Jericho" - which means they've had three spokesmen, which has to be some kind of record.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I love that Overkill's logo (and to a smaller extent, Saxon's) would eventually be co-opted by Avenged Sevenfold. Its funny to me that all these retarded A7X fans don't realize their shitty tattoo is twice as shitty for unknowingly repping crappy thrash.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Helloween definitely had three spokesmen, yes. The dude from Jericho (who does have a name) gets born out of a pumpkin on Helloween's debut EP.

    A skull with wings was also the mascot/spokesperson for German thrash band Necronomicon. It can be seen on their debut from 1985 (and on the second album too). Avenge Sevenhold (or whatever their name is) simply stole this icon for their own drivel, I suppose.

    Do not forget Motorhead.
    And Elric from Cirith Ungol.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I cannot wait for Vic Rattlehead (can you believe Dave gave him a surname?)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hey guys, let's talk about Coroner's three jaws skull, too...

    ReplyDelete
  21. When I was around the age of 8 my cousin gave me a tape and he told me that it was music by a band called Iron Maiden. I was like "whoa, there is actually Iron Maiden music?" I thought Iron Maiden was just merchiandise.

    Before that Eddy inspired me to start drawing skulls and zombies getting blown up. Nowadays I made drawing my profession.

    Hooray!

    ReplyDelete
  22. i knew i would have at least one mathematical error in there. i'm so embarrassed.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Showing some sweet math skills on the Tankard one.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Good call on the Rumble Militia! Had the cassette of the record they released on Century Media in 90' with the song "Boys In Blue"!
    CLASSIC!!

    ReplyDelete
  25. On the Derek Riggs page, go to "Published Artwork" and select "Iron Maiden" from the list. Click on the thumbnails and check out the headings you get at the top of your browser where Riggs has put the information on the images.

    Something tells me he's a wee bit bitter!

    ReplyDelete
  26. YES!
    The Motorhead mascot kills all. I can't believe I didn't think of it myself. There's nothing more metal than a Motorhead/England backpatch.

    ReplyDelete
  27. what about the Slayer screaming skull in nazi helmet? theyve used it on enough shit to get a mention..or even the goat dude on "show no mercy"

    shit,Darkthrone even has one that looks like that now,judging by their last 2 album covers

    ReplyDelete
  28. Then there is also the mohawked skeleton from Canada's Slaughter. And that white animal thingie from Riot.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Not to mention the moshman mascot from DRI.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Technically, that's not Sergeant D on the cover of the M.O.D. record. Billy Milano invented a "new" spokesman called "Corporal Punishment".

    see below:

    http://dudab.tripod.com/stormtroopersofdeath/id2.html

    ReplyDelete
  31. Tankard's alien is called Lohocla. Tsk.

    ReplyDelete
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