Metal Inquisition: orthotics

Sergeant D presenting during the Metal Inquisition corporate retreat. That's our administrative assistant Pearl to his left. The painting on the wall is a portrait of Steamhammer Records founder Helmut Fleisher

This past weekend, the annual Metal Inquistion retreat took place in an undisclosed rural location in these United States. This yearly retreat is intended as a time for Metal Inquisition staffers to reflect upon our last year of work, and it gives us time to think about the current direction of this fine online forum. During this yearly retreat, we partake in the usual team building exercises, review possible shifts in our business model and spend quality time with each other. This time away from the hustle and bustle of our everyday lives takes place in a setting that allows us to focus on the business at hand, with no outside interruptions (since we had no cell phone coverage), and it's also time for Sergeant D to make endless Powerpoint presentations about the M.I. business plan. We all sleep through his presentations, and usually only wake up when he loudly yells out "cha-ching! We're gonna' get rich from this blog bitches!" It was during this retreat, in one of those quiet moments that comes about from time to toime, that both Gene Hoglan's Balls and I finally disclosed our deepest, darkest and most depressing secret to one another. The secret?

We both have to wear doctor prescribed orthotics.

Actually, Mr. Hoglan's Balls has fantastic orthotics with an urban camo-like pattern that would be perfectly at home in the shoes of Max Cavalera. But back to the issue at hand...please don't assume that we both have funky looking feet that are misshapen. Our feet do not resemble claw hammers more than feet, so let me correct you. Our feet look just fine, thank you very much...but due to the pain that comes with old age, we were both forced into a course of action normally reserved for people twice our age. Pathetic? Sad? You bet! Why do I bring all this up? Because this should be a sign to all of our readers that we are no spring chickens. We've been around the block a time or two (or six), and that includes substantial experience in the world of metal.

So it's with that in mind that I shall now explain to you a great schism that has occurred in the world of metal. You see, like most old farts who wear orthodics I don't deal with change very well. I miss the days when hot ladies wore Forbidden shirts to shows, I miss the days when Shane Embury still weighed less than 400 pounds, I miss the days when Nocturnus and their lyrical genius was at the forefront of scientific research in time travel and black matter. But times have changed, and perhaps the biggest sign of this change can be seen in one simple but powerful aspect. Inhaling versus exhaling vocals in the general realm of metal.

I know what you're saying, you're saying "Hey old man, yeah you...with the orthotics. Quit crying about your foot pain and about metal vocals, get over it!" But I can't. For god's sake, I remember when metal vocalists used to exhale to grant us all with the thrill of great growling or, in the case of King Diamond, crying that sounded like a hyena in pain.

These damn kids with their haircuts, do they live in wind tunnel?

But times change, and these days, young kids whose haircuts seem to imply a constant and severe side, or back-wind (aka MySpace hair), are inhaling all over the place in order to sound like pigs in heat. I have no interest in the music that these vocal stylings are intended for, but I still find it annoying. "Pig squeling" is what the youngster call it. Ugh, I've never felt so old...especially within the context of a subculture that I'm semi-connected to. I guess this all has to do with metalcore and screamo and other styles of music that I would feel dirty as a result of even typing out their names.

Before you tell me I'm old and I should understand...I just told you I wear orthotics! I'm old, and don't want to understand! I had to sit in the Podiatrist's waiting room next to 80 year old women with bunions.

I know what some of you are thinking, that inhaling has been used successfully in some instances in the world of wigger slam, but I'm here to tell you that I'm not thrilled about that either! Back in my day we EXHALED our metal vocals. If this all sounds like insanity to you, please watch the videos below and tell me I'm wrong. If I am, I'll eat my orthotics and call it a day. Now, get off my lawn!