Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Proof that drummers are retarded (Part 1 of 368)

First and foremost, and in the spirit of full disclosure, I should tell you that I play the drums. I'm not sure if I'm a drummer, but I play the drums.

With that out of the way, I can now tell you something that you may already know: drummers tend to be some of the most odd human beings you'll ever meet. Who on earth would choose such a retarded instrument? It's the least portable instrument (okay, maybe harps and pipe organs are less portable), and one that requires that you physically attack it as though it's your worst enemy. As a result, it should come as no surprise that drummers are weird, unstable human beings. Back when I was in a band, we toured with another band who we were friends with. That band's drummer decided to bring his own pots and pans on tour so he could cook using his own equipment while on tour. I made fun of him relentlessly for this reason, only to realize that I myself had packed and brought an extensive array of cleaning and disinfectant sprays and fluids on tour with me. An array so plentiful, that it would have even been impressive to any C-Level executive at Procter and Gamble. I suddenly realized that drummers were in fact weird, but also that I was part of the problem. I was certainly guilty of falling in love with, and nurturing my childish idiosyncrasies. With that story out of the way, you can now more meaningfully enjoy these retarded drummers.

Did you ever want to see an instructional video featuring your balding uncle Frank showing you how to play a blast beat? Your dream has finally come true:

If I were his drums, I'd be afraid of being eaten. I feel bad for the dude, because he clearly has to run his own video equipment, since he has no one to help him. When you see and hear him play drums, you understand why no one wants to be around him, let alone help him. Nice Umbro shorts though.

This guy has the world's fastest feet, and I'm not just saying that. He won a contest. Have you ever heard the old joke about the special olympics? Even if you win at the special olympics, you're still retarded. (Insert rimshot sound effect)

I bet his mom cries herself to sleep.

This is a true story. When I met Mr. Gene Hoglan's Balls, I went to his apartment and saw a pair of drumsticks in his bedroom. I asked him if he played the drums, and he told me "No, I use those for air-drumming". The fact that an adult man, would air drum with drumsticks was shocking to me, but judging by this video, I guess it's common practice. I think for christmas, I'll buy Gene Hoglan's Balls a guitar pick so he can air-guitar.

An oldie but a goodie. Further proof that drummers are weird, and since british people are weird too, Mick Harris is pretty much a perfect storm of stupidity.


  1. the fat dude should play for crowbar

  2. Argh, why is the "I bet his mom cries herself to sleep." video no longer up!? Damn. This was great. I look forward to the other 367 installments...

  3. Is it just me or does Mick Harris not even speak English?

  4. I hereby nominate "de blass beat" for a label category on M.I.

  5. GHB FTW! i air-drum too, all the time. in fact, i even chair-drum. you sit in front of a chair, the left arm rest is the hi-hat, the right one's the ride, you tilt the headrest and that's a whole variety of crashes, while the cushion's the snare + toms. there's not enough tension for dee blass beatz, but i can't do them anyway. maybe frank could teach me. you look and feel ridiculous, but it beats thigh-drumming. my old sweatpants were drummed thin on the thighs, no joke.

    great post, btw. that fat lumberjack dude might in fact be a tight drummer, but that's the only thing tight about him. how some drummers manage to stay so blobby is beyond me.

  6. In my almost twenty-year experience in music, I understood that:

    1) Guitar players are mostly self-centered individuals who believe any fart emitted by their guitar is godly and worth of being part of a song.
    2) Singers who don't play an instrument are a pain in the ass to work with. Also, their lyrics frequently suck.
    3) Bass players (at least in metal) pass unnoticed in each situation, especially in concerts, interviews and songwriting credits.
    4) Drummers are devoted to self-destruction. See Bonzo Bonham, Keith Moon, Dennis Wilson, Ringo De Palma, and the Spinal Tap drummer.


  7. you're right. even though a well trained monkey couldn't actually play bass...most people wouldn't even be able to tell the difference. so i think it would work. as far as the mix goes, slayer has only provided proof one or two times in its recordings that tom's bass is even plugged in. aside from the Garage Days, metallica never gave proof that Jason was even in the country when they were recording.

  8. i don't remember where i read this, but it's very interesting and embarrassing that metal fans fetishize technique the way that they do. i certainly was guilty of this in my younger days. these days i couldn't really give a fuck, but i definitely spent many, many hours arguing about gay shit like who played the fastest blast beats and so forth. i have a feeling the turds in these videos still spend plenty of time doing exactly that.

  9. In defence of all the bassplayers here, although you can rarly hear it, metal can be some of the most difficult shit you can play on a bass. That said, the difficulty mostly has to do with stamina wich may explain why so many bassplayers develop a gorilla-like appearance.

  10. i live in a touristy place with lots of british tourists...but mick harris is uttering complete incoherent nonsense!
    (cocknie slang?)

  11. Mick's mastery of English comes from Birmingham... an absolute impossible task when someone from say oh I don't know say the States would have no chance of understanding one word uttered. It's not just Mick it's the area.

  12. Guitarists who play bass are the ruin of this instrument.
    Noone understands that:
    1) Bass guitar ISN'T guitar
    2) Bass guitar SHOULD BE played with fingers first
    3) Bass lines SHOULDN'T copy guitar parts
    4) Bass sound SHOULDN'T be buried in the mix.