Thursday, November 20, 2008

My Dream Band

As winter sets in, and there's less to do as a result of the cold weather, I can't help but race through the dark corners of my mind (those areas of my mind, by the way, kinda' look like the cover of Broken Hope's "Swamped In Gore", including the green chess board)




In racing through those dark corners, nooks and crannies, I reminisce about my many unfulfilled dreams. What's at the top of that list you ask? My dream of being in a world class metal band. It never happened. Today, thanks to technology and the interweb, I've held auditions for each crucial position and I'm here today to share the finalists with you. Why not? Journey got their latest singer from Youtube. Let me know your thoughts on each candidate. I'm looking to start making some calls next week, so that we can have our first practice in early December.




Lead/Rhythm Guitar

This first candidate for the job has all the necessary riffing abilities and great equipment. There are some issues with his stage presence, like his riffing underbite. I'm referring to the face he makes when he reaches full riffing speed. His jaw looks like a urinal. There's also the issue of possible 'rhoid rage.







Not as much of a riff monster, but he still has skills. Good equipment...but as you might imagine, I have some reservations about his stage presence. The stuffed animals on his bed are a concern, so are his blue shirt and those very tiny shorts.






Vocals


As far as a singer goes, no thought had to go into making this decision. A Metal Inquisition classic, Jon Becker's unbelievable talent and range is a must-have for this all-star band.






Drums


One quality that any great drummer must have is commitment. Watching the video below, there's no doubt in my mind that this young man/woman has exactly what it takes. As you watch this clip, you can feel his energy and commitment through your computer. Amazing stuff. Sorry to post this video again, but when you've seen greatness, you can't turn your back on it.






Bass

If you've ever been in a band, you know that the bass player really doesn't matter at all. If the A/C or furnace comes on in your practice space as you play, that hum will usually be enough to fill up the low end of the spectrum. That way,you don't have to deal with yet another band member. Having said that, I thought I should be on the lookout for the very best talent in order to make this band a true metal unit. This guy fits the bill. He's pretty talented, he has the stage presence of your uncle Earl who does heating and cooling repair for a living...And those amazing sweatpants! Is he wearing anything under those? You can almost see his manjunk jiggle around in there. I do have one concern though...playing a Rickenbacker through a Peavy amp? Isn't that like like putting a trailer hitch on a new Mercedes S-Class? (the AMG version even).




But wait, maybe we'd like to take a more technical approach to our music at some point. Perhaps at some point we'll all get into Cynic, then Chick Correa, and then stuff like Sun Ra. If we do, we need a bass player who can really really help us go the distance...and that's not a bass player at all...we need a chapman stick player, one with great presence and personality!

19 comments:

  1. Wow with dude #1 youll just end up looking like an nsbm band risky move specially with that serious jaw jutt, its the roids man!!!
    Plus token fat drummer could almost be the latest angelcorpse lineup

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  2. damn. maybe i'll have to go back to the drawing board. I see your point. the look would certainly not be cohesive on stage.

    throw a hooded Wu-tang sweatshirt on that first dude, and he could do a pretty good job at rocking out for a wigger slam outfit.

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  3. Are these the top results of typing "chode" into YouTube's search box?

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  4. the drummer looks like he got commitment to eat exclusively at Jack in the Box 7 days a week

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  5. is that guy in the first clip one of the Hoffman brothers?

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  6. Your bass playing pick learns all his songs by ear. Especially in the case of Coroner-- and ESPECIALLY in the case of the almighty "Mistress of Deception"-- that's no easy feat. The fucking lead break is something else. He's one of the better cover dudes on YouTube, I think.

    And Rickenbackers are crucial metal basses. Love the clank.

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  7. Asa, you're absolutely right...hence my pick. still, i think a chapman stick could get the band further. maybe he would consider a bass with a few more strings, maybe some sweet slap bass, perhaps some crabwalking.

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  8. Is the bass plugged in?

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  9. With the singer and the bass player you're halfway a Confessor style band. I think there is a market for Confessor rip offs.

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  10. You guys should really do this. Have a contest where you're looking for musicians to make the next best thing in metal. You can be the American Idol or Rockstar of the metal world. Well..if you don't wanna finance a CD..how about a 4 track recording uploaded to Rapidshare?

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  11. The singers outstanding gum chewing ability will make you guys superstars. Also, you can probably pay your drummer in Pizza Rolls. But one concern may be that your Rythym guitarist might creep out and scare away some of the more attractive groupies when he takes his stuffed animals out on tour.

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  12. its actually true that you could do the whole band project remotely using all free software and services. Garageband, rapidshare etc. since i found such good musicians, i dont even need to be in the band. Metal Inquisition staff would be like the puppet masters, making the band do as we wish.

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  13. The bassist seems most resourceful.....hell.....he's got access to any scale that's featured on that poster of guitar scales...........fuckin amazing

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  14. CW:

    angelcorpse's current drummer is not fat. but he IS a douche.

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  15. The first dude IS one of the Hoffman bros. 'roids rage is certain.
    The picked bass player is awesome, though I hate guitarists who play bass.
    Maybe guitarists who see Mark Knopfler playing have the same feeling.

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  16. I think the fledgling Gene Hoglan is the crown jewel of this metal masterpiece.

    Jon Becker's intense gum-chewing, his saucy pose with his hands on his hips, and his overall air of nonchalance imply a loose-cannon attitude. Better be careful he doesn't leave to make a "Tattooed Millionaire" album.


    Speaking of Angelcorpse, anyone ever check out his side-project Feldgrau? I pretty much have a general idea of what it sounds like by looking at this photo:
    http://tinyurl.com/5oehwv

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  17. Unless I'm grossly mistaken, or something's wrong with my computer, black metal stick player ain't playing that music. It's dubbed.

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  18. I tried to come up with an all-star youtube band but I realized Ian Parry's Consortium Project IV ( seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixzSHqE5gHs ) had already surpassed any hope I would have had.

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  19. I suggest playing all of these at one time for the full band effect

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