I've been on a serious Maiden kick in the last few weeks since I saw Flight 666. Fear of the Dark is actually playing as I type this. Fortunately my office mates love Maiden, too and one of them sent me this last night.
I've hated The Monkees since this girl I was dating in college made me drive her 3 hours to Kent, Ohio, just to meet with her boyfriend, leaving me in a house filled with skinheads drinking vodka and listening to "I'm a Believer." That being said, however, I think this is brilliant.
Here's a another Maiden video from YouTube I thought was funny:
Ever wonder what happened to Blaze Bayley? He mumbles at high schools over England, of course!
When you write for one of the leading blogs in the world, as I do, you are often asked questions by people on the street such as:
"Hey, since you write about metal, you must be an expert on really scary things...like listening to an entire Benediction album, or smelling the inside of King Diamond's top hat. Since you know so much about scary things, what is your favorite scary movie to watch around Halloween?
When I'm asked such things on the street, my first response is "Who are you? Get away from me. Let me get into my limo!"
After that, I think about it and only one answer comes to mind. Death Metal Zombies. Although halloween has just passed, there's still time to watch one of the most unbelievable pieces of horror ever put down on consumer-grade VHS tape. If you haven't seen this movie, you might be thinking to yourself that based on the name, it must be a good-ish movie, or that it's so bad, it might be good. Neither is true. The plot of the movie sounds good enough: two idiots who can't act win a tape of what is supposed to be a death metal band (when in reality its just some awful band that the guys who made the movie were friends with, I'm sure), upon listening to one song on the tape, they become zombies. That's it.
Anyway, while the movie does feature multiple bands from the Relapse Records roster (circa 1995) on the soundtrack, the movie is extremely long, the storyline moves at a glacial pace, the acting will make you cringe for such long periods of time that you'll end up with a headache, and the one girl they convinced to get topless will make you dry-heave for days. Having said that, there are just a couple of gems of awfulness hidden in the movie, amidst a sea of boring scenes that go nowhere and aren't scary or funny.
In keeping with Metal Inquisition's ongoing quest for giving our readers only the very best, I've picked out the following choice moments that are sure to delight our readers. I must warn you though, do not be fooled by thinking that the humor levels exemplified in these clips are any indication of what the rest of the movie is like. You will be very disappointed, particularly because the DVD version of this horrible movie is the unedited version. Holy mother of god! If ever there was a movie that could have used MORE editing, it would be this one.
Some of the most memorable quotes in the movie are in this first clip. Please note what might be the absolute best example ever of Metal Mama Jeans®. Note how the pants are up so high, that most of the printing in the Relapse Records t-shirt is hidden under the 16" zipper. There are way too many other great things to point out about this clip. Just watch it.
Pungent Stench reference, awful acting, and the girl uttering the term "pusswad". It's comedy gold, gold I tell you!
Again, too many things to even begin to point out. Check out yet another pair of Metal Mama Jeans®. This girl is a real seductress! Also, an Apple IIe in 1995? What the hell was he doing on that machine, playing Oregon Trail?
I don't know where to begin. Just watch.
If you're not exhausted yet after having watched those clips, I will leave you with one last bit of information. The protagonist of the film, and Ms. Metal Mama Jeans® are still an item. At least it appears that way from his Facebook picture.
I have posted in the past about heavy metal horror movies, a true love of mine, but I worry that no one is going out and renting these films. Tragic, simply tragic. I'd feel like I wasn't doing my job unless people witness the true beauty of these films. I’m talkin’ bout the hack metal songs from these movies. Not soundtrack songs like Dokken’s awesome “Dream Warriors” from Nightmare on Elm Street 3, but songs normally written by some dudes whose only claim to fame is this tiny, little credit.
5. Solid Gold “Blood Tracks” (from Blood Tracks)
This is more of a video shoot that a live performance. I can’t figure out if this is good, I just like the chorus. Ok? The chorus.
4. Holy Moses "Cassie” (from Hard Rock Zombies)
I don’t even know. So awesome. I am glad it is called "Hard Rock Zombies" and not "Brutal Guttural Underground Zombies", because then they can get away with such an emotionally touching song. The movie makes very little sense, but the band makes it all worthwhile.
3. Black Roses “Rock Invasion” (from Black Roses)
You knew Fabio couldn’t contain the evil for too long. From Whitesnake to all out thrash attack, this is what happens when the parents leave the show.
I find it hard to believe that the singer knows anything about virgin girls. I really do. Really. But the popish song with just an absurd guitar solo allows me to look past it. You can check out a past post featuring Martin’s wicked audition here. This only loses out because there is no blood and too much spandex.
1. Rocktober Blood "Killer on the Loose" (from Rocktober Blood)
A true classic. A long unnecessary guitar solo opening and on stage killings. Who wouldn’t love to see a decapitation and a disembowelment at a metal show! Also, imdb just told me the original music was written by “Smokey Huff”. That's the stuff.
But then again, I am not really sure how to write about this movie. You see, it is kind of a favorite of mine. The sort of real 80s metal in “film” type of crap that sends dorks like me to the basement to watch on a shitty VCR. So why is it so awesome? Well, one reason and one reason only, THOR! Normally I would say he is a turd, but this is the only thing he has ever done that people actually like, and I am not counting his music because only Seth Putnam likes that. (That last part is true, Seth used to bid big, and by big I mean $1 on many Thor items on Ebay back in the late 90s/early 00s, lucho remembers I am sure.)
So, overall the theme of the movie is giving Thor a place to act. That is really all there is too it. He wrote a little of it and stars in it as an archangel. This makes me think that Putnam wrote it because only he could think of Thor as some heavenly figure.
Now...on to the battle.
Seems innocent enough. Kind of like a weird midwestern boy trapped in Canada.
Women are truly evil. Here is proof. Or they might be puppets. I am not sure what this means.
A knife and a cigarette? Maybe these are scary to Canadians. I don’t know. I am not a fan.
He is just so pissed off. This is like telling a retarded kid to make an angry face.
Well, cometh the man, cometh the scared puppets.
Director: “Give it a good hug, because we ran out of glue. The key grip was too busy huffing.”
I have no words. Is the devil taking advantage of Thor?
Fight is almost over, or is this a dance?
All that aside, you need to watch this. It is a good representation of what was so completely awesome about the 80s. A time when anything was truly possible. Shitty puppet Satan. Some odd fraggle rock puppets that are supposed to be demons? Ghouls? Who knows. The one has a pretty good smokers cough. Hair and then some really creepy bare-chested man vs. puppet action.
Ok, I admit it, I was very jealous of Bud. Anthrax didn't come to Chicago for a show, but to rock Bud’s house. Amazing.
They pull out all the comedy stops. They address Marcy as sir. They have snappy comebacks. Marcy gets horny and they again refer to her as sir. Anthrax thrashes to their cd and trashes the place.
I don’t want to ruin it, so I leave it to all, but sometimes I wonder why we don’t see more metal in today’s programming. Imagine Anal Bleeding on “How I Met Your Mother” and how awesome that could be.
Traci Lords was impressed and so was I. Pulling off the wicked lead to "Hairy Cherry" is not some easy task that any guy can do, and I say guy because girls can't play guitar. It also took real creativity and drive to not just play it, but to reinvent it.
If you have ever wondered what being in a band was like, it is a lot like this. Girls in your practice space and the color turquoise...all standard.
