Monday, October 27, 2008

My Life with Danzig—A Photographic Journey

If you're anything like me, you probably still remember a time when Glenn Danzig wasn't an absolute joke. Okay, he was always a bit of a douche, but perhaps we were all too young to notice. I'm not sure. Whatever the case may be, if you're roughly my age, you probably remember the ongoing arguments about who would win in a fight between Danzig and Henry Rollins....or between Danzig and grizzly bear for that matter. That was before we figured out that Danzig is only 5' 2", and that his slight musculature was actually not impressive at all. Those were simpler times. Today, we've seen the light. With said light, we've noticed who Danzig fans are, and we've noticed that the people who play Danzig riffs on YouTube look like this:



Note the title of the video, which you can watch here. Also notice the fire extinguisher on the wall. That's because his shredding is so hot, he could easily set to place on fire. What the hell is that poster behind him all about? Is it a chart depicting the top ten ways to make women repulsed by you? If so, he's really applying himself. Good for him.

I'm tempted to say that we were all much cooler back in 1992 than this guy is now.But I'm afraid we weren't. As I've stated before, if YouTube had been around back then, some unbelievable footage would exist of me doing some insanely embarassing things (like playing along to Rush songs on the drums, or least trying to). Having said that, this guy (on the video) is old enough and should know better.

Anyway, I remember watching the Danzig home videos with my brother back then, and not totally laughing at them. We certainly thought the videos were odd and a bit silly, but we didn't die laughing when he talked in great detail about how an E-chord is incredibly evil, or when he shared his collection of books with us. The fact that we didn't die of laughter should serve as proof that we were both huge douchebags ourselves. It's with that mindset that I now present to you the following compilation of Danzig imagery. Maybe for a future post I will scan the picture of me and Danzig when I was 14. For now, enjoy these.




I thought these mesh shirts with fake tattoos on them were reserved for tubby Jersey guidos who go to clubs and hit on old chicks, while telling them stories about "the good old days." Oh wait...nevermind.

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Oink Oink.

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Oink, oink.
Since he's fat like a pig, I think it was a smart decision for him to put his name on the product everyone's been asking for, Danzig ham. To be fair, like Glenn himself, Danzig brand ham was way better in the early 90s, the quality of the product has dropped significantly since then, while the fat content has risen.


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Few things worth noting:
1. His bangs are teased up like a mall-goer circa 1986



2. Look at his chest area. Dude has straight up hooters.

3. He looks like a Muppet.


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Now famous image of Glenn washing his car after some dudes threw poo on it or something (you can search for the story on the Google, I'm sure). Perhaps the saddest thing about this image is that after all these years in the biz, all the guy can afford is a Jaguar XK.



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Don't you love the sassy pose on this illustration? I love how his left hand is on his hip, as though he's saying "Oh no you didn't!"



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Perhaps one of the most revolting moments ever committed to tape was when Glenn shared his book collection with us. I love how he tried very hard to sound deep during the whole thing. You have to give it up to Danzig though, the guy was ahead of his time when it came to being on screen with his shirt off. He was like the metal world's Matthew McCononaughey back then (in stupidity, annoyinigness, as well as all-out shirtlesness. According to spell check, I just made up two words).


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Another image that was requested by one of our readers. Danzig's bald spot. Makes sense that a guy old enough to have a bald spot would be buying comic book artwork of some kind at a convention. The tiny, evil man-child lives on.


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Another image that has done the internet rounds, I know, but it's still kinda' funny to me.

Wolverine gloves + mesh shirt + huge beltbuckle = WINNER.

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Per a reader's request, you can watch the video of Glenn falling off stage here. It happens at 4:09. Look at the screen shot from that video. I think he's due to give birth in like two weeks.

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I had to include this screen grab of the video where Glenn got knocked the hell out, for the sake of being thorough. I don't know that I can add anything else about this image that has not already been said. Watching an overweight man who is 5'2" and in his late 40s getting smacked around is just a bummer.



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This is not a high quality image, and Glenn is very small in the picture...I know, but look at Glenn's gut, his man boobs and his face. Priceless. He looks like he's taking a huge dump. By the way, I'm sure all his roadies are thrilled about having to carry his stupid styrofoam skulls and daggers around the whole country so he can play in front of dozens of people in places like Green Bay.



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If it wasn't for the fact that Glenn dresses like a 19 year old at a comic book convention, he could be the guy that just installed my new windows. Same hairline, that's for sure.



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Peek-a-boo, we see you and your leotard bodysuit.


47 comments:

  1. Are you sure that isn't Dice Clay in the second to last picture?

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  2. I'm sad that I have the Occult Roots Of Nazism book. Not becuase of Danzig, though. He ripped me off.

    I love how Danzig is fat and still insists on not wearing a shirt, at all, ever. I would say that insteand of Metal McConaughey, he's more like Bizzaro World Dave Navarro. Neither of them wear shirts, but at least old D.N. still gets out to the gym every now and then.

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  3. Very thorough! I think you're just missing the video where he falls off the stage.

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  4. Excellent post, but would've thought Marky Mark would be the more obvious comparison for shirtless, fake badass douchebags.

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  5. so when was the exact moment in time that danzig became bowzer from sha-na-na?

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  6. hey now, matthew mcconaghey is a funny guy! no need to drag his name through the mud.

    the video where he falls of the stage is a classic, it reminds me of kelsey grammar doing the same:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UuQAEVLljF4

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  7. Dude looks like John McCain in that teased hair photo

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  8. Drew Carey's retard brother (the very first picture) definitely have some sweet collection of videos in his youtube account. but the best probably is another Danzig cover, "Let it Be Captured II (w/ vocals)" where he sings over his own youtube video of his guitar playing :-D

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  9. Ha!!! I remember figuring out the riff to 'Twist of Cain' back then too. You need to find some pics of his bald spot he stopped combing his hair forward (devillock of course) but instead back in order to cover up.

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  10. this post is a prime example of PAIN IN THE WORLD.

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  11. in the baldspot picture, is the guy behind him w/ the Napalm Death sweatshirt supposed to be his bodyguard? i hope not, since when does Wolverine need one?

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  12. i was thinking the same thing about dice clay in that photo.

    dave navarro is on the heroin diet..no gym required to stay thin

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  13. the way that the Napalm Death sweatshirt guy is looking around (ala secret service) leads me to believe that he is in fact his bodyguard. since when you ask? since he got beaten on camera.

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  14. Klondyke ArsebanditOctober 27, 2008 at 5:59 PM

    Fuck! I've read that book too!

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  15. I think the Danza pic is funny too.

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  16. fuckin' hilarious post. haha "oink oink". i was crackin' up

    that ass kickin is priceless. man, ol' glen folded up like a chair!

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  17. funny to see the bouncers at that show are all black. no wonder they think less of whiteys.

    and that hardly counts as "ass kicking": rather looks like the NSK lardo keeled over glen thanks to gut inertia. nevertheless, glen's still a choad. thank fuck i never got into danzig, i don't need the heartache.

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  18. what a shame about Danzig..hard to think that the guy who sang for and created the greatest band ever- SAMHAIN- degenerated into such a bozo-ish figure.

    and that ass kicking- anyone whos ever gotten in a fight oughta know that if you push a guy THAT big and say "FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!"..you should put your mitts up and be ready to fight,not just stand there.. thats why he got knocked the fuck out.. he didnt put up his dukes like shoulda.

    but SAMHAIN will always be the best band ever,so i gotta give the guy respect for that

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  19. OK, fuck you guys.

    You have officially made me feel old. (I'm 38)

    It's not because I love Glenn, but because I look at him and feel pity.
    I just want to tell him, "Hey Man, fuck these kids, lets go get a beer/protein shake/Activia and talk about the old days".

    Douche or not, I bet he has some sweet stories.

    He would want too, but have to decline due to the curfew at his parents house, then he would punch me into a coma out of frustration.

    Shit... I'm an old man imagining being assaulted by a WAY older man as a result of a web page posted by CHILDREN who weren't even there. And FOREIGNERS to boot!! SHIT!


    Once I finish studying my BOOKS ABOUT DEATH, you assholes are fucked.

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  20. Oh by the way, if you wanna make fun of hair loss, Jerry Only's devilock starts somewhere near his 3rd vertebrae. There is no hair any higher than that.

    (Not balding, but seriously gray)

    ReplyDelete
  21. What about the infamous Shakira/Danzig mash-up?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHv3qO_Y8kk

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  22. The poster in the first picture depicts the ten sephiras of the qabalistic tree of life. This guy is clearly a serious magickian of Golden Dawn variety!

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  23. Hey Fuck Stick! Leave Glenn the Fuck Alone! That dudes been hardcore through 3 badass bands and about close to 30 years and he's still doing it! That dude is 53 years old! What will you be doin at 53? Getting fat eating every donut in town? Oh by the way...I saw that video too where he supposedly gets knocked out by the Southside Kings? He gets up immediatley following the SUCKER punch then they cut the camera off. I can pretty much guarntee you that dude got a serious ass whippin! Plus they showed the guy HURRYING AWAY! He knew he messed up! Stop talkin shit about Glenn!

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  25. Danzig lost loads of weight by 2006 as evidenced here were he looks in great shape again -

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6JhYkkmHdw

    and has pretty much kept it off come 2009 -

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqDUkC3YsUo

    Also, he had a bald spot when I saw him perform in 2002 but amazingly this doesn't seem to have got any worse since then. The dude is using black magic to reverse the aging process!

    And for the record whilst he was a little chunky around the middle between 1999 and 2005 he was always powerfully built and hardly fat.

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  26. Listen to all you turds, when you are 52 or 55 or whatevr the fuck how old Danzig is and you can still rock the house and put on amazing shows, plus have legions of fans from Misfits Samhain Fiends to the Danzig era fans, then talk shit, until then you are all homers. Danzig still kicks ass, his music is still relevant 30 years after he started, he has a musical legacy tha will live for decades longer, so what if he is percieved as arrogant or whatever, if anyone can this dude can get away with it, plus I think lots of people read Danzig wrong, supposedly the guy is cool if you dont get in his face. He did get knocked out but when you are 50 no one expects you to win fist fights against 300 lb dudes in their 30s. Plus he could probably fuck your girlfriends AND your mom if he wanted to.

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  27. Just saw Danzig last night (Dec. 26
    2009) in New Jersey playing to a sold-out house of 2000 maniacs. He looked to be in great shape, not fat at all, sang well and got a great reception. Yeah, he's got a bald spot, but at least he isn't phoney like Mick Jagger and David Bowie, getting Hair Club for Men. So you can knock Danzig, but he still drinks your milkshake, he drinks it up!

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  28. Normally I wouldn't leave a comment to some worthless idiot who hasn't done anything for himself, but yet finds it in himself to pick on someone who has accomplished so much.

    SO from one 'regular man' to an even less than one, your a total bag of shit.

    Why don't you write about your accomplishments so we then the people can critique you? Lets see and compare you to Glenn since you've decided to judge him.

    PS after reading this you'll delete this Im sure. No matter though, you only need to read it once.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I totally agree with you.

      Delete
  29. this is essentially a list of cheap shots from the cheap seats. this isn't even a serious critique of the artist's work. it's like a burn book written by the mean girls from middle school. glenn danzig will leave behind an enormous footprint in the music world. musicians will pay homage and fans will celebrate his catalog decades after he's gone.

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  30. Danzig is an ENTERTAINER and has been the front-man of three truly great bands. If a few pics of him looking his best were mixed in with the pics in the shirts someone on his staff I'm sure convinced him to wear (or chicks) then the gay shirt and bad shots on a long road of bodybuilding WHILE TOURING wouldn't be enough to have even made this little "diss" - and the bald spot... who the fuck cares? When whoever does care is around 50 they may WISH for the hairline- much less the build. Getting back to my first point- the man is an ENTERTAINER. Let's have a tour of your home or whatever and then poke fun at you. I'm sure it wouldn't be hard to poke fun at moments from any of us, even moments we would approve to be on video. When this man was my age (30) he was kicking ass on stage and lifting weights with Rollins and other friends, and generally not giving a fuck a keeping his very cool, unique beyond imagination almost, brand of punk alive. You can't deny the voice, the ear for melody, none of it. PS- You poked fun at the youtube guy's grammar only to make numerous grammatical fuck-ups yourself. As I have in this hurried (all it deserves) reply.

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  31. While your comments about Danzig are true what have you done that is great?

    Leave Fat Danzig alone...

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  32. Wow, who would have thought: Glenn Danzig is a...real person? He's getting older, his hairline is receeding and gaining weight like someone who is getting older. All of the things people joke about him for are ridiculous. He is talented, creative and back in the day was very attractive. I'm about a third of his age and still think he isn't that bad for an old guy!

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  33. Glenn Danzig is hot as is, for some idiot to post his home and be little his talent, is a piece of shit. I'm sure he'd crap his pants if he confronted him..no one is perfect, but he is ageing quit well. So fuck off and leave the man alone!!

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  34. Glenn needs to cut his hair short, and use rogaine!

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  35. This is funny as hell. The Danzig defenders (much like Glenn himself) have no sense of humour. Sure, this is like shooting fish in a barrel, but if Glenn was even a REMOTELY nice person, people would take into account his age and not pick on him for his chubby fatness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. To each is to own, but if I could Id pummel you.

      Delete
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  37. "Haters gonna hate" quote the Black Man...nevermore. hahahahaha. Still love Danzig. Fuck you.

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  38. Danzig is a music legend regardless of what you think. You are an internet blogger who spends their time shitting on people who are successful, while people like Danzig are playing to thousands of adoring fans. You are a nobody and that is the only reason you felt the need to even write some shit like this. What a loser.

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  39. I am so glad to see people sticking up for glenn (not that he gives any type if shit). People can be so cruel sitting behind a computer. I would love to see you say any of this to his face. He would still eat you for dinner, son

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  40. This was stupid. If you were trying to be funny, you werent. Fuck you is right you douche.

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  41. glens a buddy of mine im 5'4 and 180 with a 30 inch waist 18 inch biceps glen and i are about the same size and we all gain weight when we get older sounds like your a jealous mother fucker to me!! bet you wouldnt say that shit to his face or mine but i would love if you tried

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  42. glens a buddy of mine im 5'4 and 180 with a 30 inch waist 18 inch biceps glen and i are about the same size and we all gain weight when we get older sounds like your a jealous mother fucker to me!! bet you wouldnt say that shit to his face or mine but i would love if you tried

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  43. What did Danzig do to you? We love you Danzig!

    ReplyDelete