Back in the United States of America, God's country.

Once I decided upon "Back in the United States of America, God's country." as the title for this piece, I searched through my photo archives for an image that would best express what the USA embodies. As luck would have it, a picture of Donna Stewart-Barris (from Metal Inquisition's accounts payable department) was emailed to me right on time. The picture was taken during our annual company picnic, right after the raffle, during which Donna won a copy of Bolt Thrower's War Master album. Congratulations Donna!



After a thoroughly enjoyable trip to Europe in order to see the Tour de France, I'm now safely back home in the US of A. As a result of Metal Inquisition being a journalistic forum that is devoted to horrible music and not sports, I'll give you only a couple of details about the trip. Why only a few details? Because I don't want to turn off the few remaining readers we have as a result of the stream of posts having slowly dwindled into a trickle in the last month. Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes, Mr Skullkrusher and I did make it on to the TV broadcast of the Tour de France. Simply watch every five hour stage of the last two weeks and look for us. Good luck.



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Most healthy adults are able to let go of the silly thoughts and dreams they had as children. That is simply not the case for my brother and me. Sometimes you simply HAVE to do things that the 11 year old version of you would have thought were the shit. The idea of Jens Voigt and Thor Hushovd riding their bikes over an Iron Maiden logo at the Tour de France was simply intoxicating...and as such...we made it happen! Hooray for the 11 year old versions of us! We did it!!! Fuckin-a!

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Just last week, I spent a very pleasant afternoon with Mr Bike Snob NYC, who is truly a scholar and a gentleman. As we conversed about the unstoppable freight train of metal schlock that was/is Morbid Angel, I suddenly remembered something that I had long ago put away in the dark recesses of my mind. In the early and mid 90s, I attended a couple of shows in which the audience suddenly began to seig heil. If I remember correctly, this happened in both a Morbid Agnel show (perhaps as a result of David Vincent's very tasteful, and period-appropriate SS uniform) as well as several Slayer shows. Did anyone else experience this during that time? Was it just confined to the area of the country where I lived back then? By the way, don't be a smartass and respond that you saw it once at a Skrewdriver show...that doesn't count. That's a bit like saying that you once got sprayed with feces at a GG Allin show...I mean...while it might be mildly amusing, it's pretty much par for the course.

When you start shopping in the inner-tube section of the Sears website for clothing, you know something's gone horribly wrong.


Every time I mention David Vincent, I'm obligated by law to post a picture of his new persona, Evil D. Boy, it's not often that you find yourself saying "You know, I think you looked better in the SS uniform"

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Although I've always been amazed by how similar time travel and flying to Europe are, since they both allow you to see un-ironic metalheads in all their glory (complete with denim vests, white hightops, sweatpants etc), I'm saddened to report that in this latest trip, the number of metalhead sightings was way down. I'm sure other cities, and countries in Europe could perhaps offer more in the banger-watching (as I refer to it) department. But see, in the past, Barcelona always managed to deliver the goods. But not this time. The city is now split into two camps, tourists, and locals who appear to be sponsored by retailing giant Zara. So, aside from the guy who was wearing a Bathory shirt AND flip flops on the metro, I failed to see any of my brothers in metal during the trip. By the way, how un-metal can you get? Flip-flops on a black metal fan? If the fact that Gaahl from Gorgoroth is now officially out of the closet, and that Nicolas Cage's kid has black metal band weren't already signs of black metal's demise....the flip flops/ Bathrory shirt combo surely must be.

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An unexpected treat about seeing the Tour de France in Barcelona was being able to see both cycling and architecture simultaneously, since the Tour's route went right by Mies van der Rohe's Barcelona Pavillion. This was an unexpected, and almost debaucherous treat for an absolute looser like me. What would have made the experience better you ask? Well, if Mike Browning and Nocturnus would have descended onto the site on their spaceship and broken into Lake Of Fire...my life would have been so complete, that I would have gone ahead and committed harakiri right then and there. Luckily for our readers, Mike Browning and Nocturnus never showed up....something about Mike having to go to Pier 1 because of a sale on pseudo Egyptian decor.



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Look, I know I've posted this video before...but for some reason I woke up reciting this verbatim today...and as such, I had to share it with all of you once again. What can I say, some things never get old.




If you were able to watch the video above for its full duration, you'll be happy to know that Devry Universtiy will award you three credit hours towards an associates degree in Comparative Religion through their online program. Simply enter the code "MTLINQSTN" in the "coupons" field when you are checking out.

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As I've mentioned before, a fun game to play with friends and family is to come up with a word and then draw a super-evil metal logo for it. The more ridiculous the word, the better. Although I would now play this game as a bit of a joke (drawing a black metal logo for a word like "custard" is always fun), I have found proof that I didn't always do it in jest. Hidden among many other treasures, the Metal Inquisition archives revealed perhaps the earliest known example of this game being played. Much like the cave paintings of Lascaux, these logos will be studied by art historians and anthropologiests for year to come. Carbon-14 dating has helped us estimate that this particular sheet of paper is from the summer of 1991. Please note the "Abnegation" logo, a word I remember having found in the dictionary by mere chance. My use of this word as a made-up name for a non-existent band greatly pre-dates its use as the actual name of an actual band. As a result, I believe I may have a lawsuit here. Sadly, I think the settlement would come down to me getting 152 unsold copies of the band's 7"s. Much like getting smallpox infested blankets, this would be a settlement I could easily live without. So, on second thought, they can keep the name.



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One last picture from my trip to Europe. This picture was taken at a small bike shop near Plaça d'Espanya in Barcelona. Upon seeing the brand name of this bike, many ask themselves "who would come up with such a name?" Well, I have an answer to this question...or at least a clue as to who would do such a thing. You see, on a daily basis, I'm called a "fag" by numerous drivers as I ride my bike. This happens every hour, on the hour, and the US military now uses these driver outbursts to set its atomic clock.

As I see it, the bike's brand name simply functions as a pre-emptive strike on the part of the bike's owner. Much like the fat kid in school who always made fun of himself before anyone could lay a fat joke on him, this bike proudly states that the guy riding the bike knows what the drivers around him think.

"Oh, you're calling me a 'fag'...joke's on you pal. I'm riding on a Qüer bike...I'm already a step ahead of you, you douche!"

While not particularly effective, this interaction makes the person riding the bike a bit better...and less like...well, a "fag". It's for this reason that the company's name was clearly thought of by a marketing genius...or a fat guy, or a fat guy who is gay and got made fun of in school.

One last note...while this approach of mocking yourself before letting someone else do it may work for adults...I would highly, highly discourage you from getting a Qüer bike for your kid...because really, that's the last thing they need.




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Now that I'm back home after a rather crazy month of traveling, I'll try to get back to my normal posting schedule. Hopefully the other slobs who are supposed to be posting will also pick up the slack, damn those bastards.

Random thoughts

A still from the first Metal Inquisition video podcast, soon to be released. In the premiere episode of what promises to be a long-running series, I will discuss how difficult it is to open albums due to that cellophane that they wrap them with. That's the kind of hilarious and insightful commentary you can expect from our podcast series.

Most of my posts for this blog come to me quickly, and always fully formed... and ready to be shared with the world. This, I believe, is a clear sign of my comedic genius as well as my above average intelligence. From time to time, however, lesser thoughts come to mind, and I generally disregard them. Today, however, I present all you (our beloved readers) with some of the very thoughts that fill my brain nearly every hour of the day. These are leftovers, but good ones. Much like you can make sloppy joe's out of old hamburgers, I have made a post out of discarded thoughts. In a sense, I am welcoming you to my inner thoughts, and what goes on inside my mind. It ain't much, but it's all I've got. Welcome to my hell. Welcome to the hell.

I should note that this format (small bits rather than lengthy posts about one subject) have inspired the Metal Inquisition video podcasts, which will be released soon via iTunes, and will be compiled as a DVD series to be released internationally by Steamhammer records. The videos will feature me at my desk (see picture above) sharing my observational remarks about the world of metal and the culture that surrounds it. Stay tuned as we continue to update you on the podcasts, but in the meantime enjoy this post/piece.


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Google loves us. How do I know? If you search for any of the following things on Google:

Blue Grape Merchandise

Metal Inquisition

Wigger slam

Tommy Victor disease

Robb Flynn's disease

The first result listed is none other than Metal Inquisition. This may seem like a small feat to many of you, but here at MI we take our success seriously. As such, commemorative plates will be given out this August during our annual company picnic. Note that "metal inquisition" is one of the terms that we have the top listing for. While this may seem obvious, I can just hear the blood pressure of members from the band Piledriver skyrocketting as I type this. Why? Can you imagine naming a song and album "Metal Inquisition", then having it become more popular by a bunch of dudes who don't even really like your music?

Oh, I should mention, that I'm a bit disappointed that we are not the top result when you search for:

David Vincent muffin top

We are the second listing, but that's just not good enough. The struggle continues.







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The turning signal in my car makes a clicking sound that is exactly the same tempo as Prong's "Lost And Found". When you play drums, like I do, you encounter this sort of thing all the time. My last car's turning signal was exactly half the tempo of Laaz Rockit's "Fire In The Hole"

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A question for all of you who live in Europe, do you sometimes hear the whole world laughing at you? If you do, here's why:





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Have I ever mentioned how disappointed I am by the lack of free stuff I get as a result of writing on this blog? I know you will all hate me for saying this, as I'm supposed to write on the blog just because I love it..and I do...but damn it, free stuff would really sweaten the deal. I have not gotten one single thing for free as a result of my bringing happiness to people around the world. In comparison, most other blogs I read (about very different topics) have fewer readers and yet they get free stuff all the time. Lots of it, and they simply review it or whatever, and that's all . I hereby ask our readers to put uncle Lucho on their wills. Leave me your vinyl collection (so I can sell it on eBay), or simply send me your well-cared for long sleeve metal shirts (all size small thank you). Look, if you have free tickets to major sporting events or major label concerts give them to me. Kelly Clarkson? Sure, I'll go see her. Like a good latino, I'll never turn down anything that is free. Send me buckets of house paint, carpet scraps, cycling stuff, HVAC repair manuals, and/or harmonica instructional videos....anything. I swear, I wont tell anyone...so there would be no risk of us selling out. See how that works? If no one knows, it didn't happen. So if you get me tickets to some horrible show, or the Superbowl...no one has to know. Shhhhh.

I'm kinda' kidding. Wait, no I'm not. See, the problem is that the only thing people would probably send us would be horrible metal CDs to review...which are useless, and would simply pile up around my house. I see now that the problem is that we write about metal, something I like but don't necesseraly want more of. Why did we have to start a blog about metal, which is something that you can't get any cool free stuff for? How stupid were we? We should have started a blog called "Ferrari's, stacks of money and supermodels". I mean, metal is cool and all...but the best some horrible label could do is send us horrible CDs from their horrible bands, which all suck. Why can't someone send me the original master tapes to the Terrorizer album, or the headphones that Scott Burns wore on the back of the Terrorizer album.

* I should note that after this entry was originally written one of our great supporters/readers has been kind enough to send us some free t-shirts and sweet merch. Many thanks to this kind soul for hooking it up.

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Does anyone remember the records that were widely available in the early 90s that featured interviews with metal bands, instead of music? I used to get so damn excited to see that some rare Slayer EP had made its way to my local record store...only to realize when I was about to buy it that it was just a stupid interview with Tom Araya from a radio show in France. What an odd relic from another time these records are. I now wish I had some of them. Here's an Anthrax one.



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While watching Iron Maiden's "Flight 666" documentary on TV, I realized that Nicko McBrain's nose is actually even more fucked up than I originally thought. I mean, he has no nose at all. Does anyone have any information regarding what on earth happen to his face? Did Clive Burr chew it off in as an act of vengance? Was Nicko the model that Derrick Riggs used when first painting Eddie? The only information I found out was not helpful at all, and came from an interview that Metal Sludge did with Nicko. Here it is:

You have an extremely flat face and nose. Kind of like one of those Pug dogs. Has anyone ever mentioned this to you and does it bother you?

No, it doesn't bother me mate.
But you too can have a Roman nose,

It'll be Roman all over your face.(TEE HEE).

So that reply from Nicko doesn't exactly give us any answers...although it does answer the age-old question: Is Nicko McBrain funny? The answer, as you can see, is "no".

As I've reported before, Nicko is a born again christian. With a face like his, I really don't understand his spiritual beliefs. I mean, much in the same way that many Jewish people who went through the Holocaust ceased to believe in God...if I had Nicko's face...I really wouldn't believe in a higher power. Talk about blind faith.

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About Anthrax's lackluster State Of Euphoria:

- Does EVERYONE'S copy of State of Euphoria feature a supposedly "limited edition" hologram sticker?

- I once showed my dad the artwork on the back of the album, which was done by that one guy from MAD Magazine, in an attempt to show him that the band was legitimate and not satan worshipers. My dad really liked MAD magazine, but failed to see Megaforce records shelling out some dough to have that illustration made as a sign of the band's legitimacy.

- As a kid, the cover of this record drove me insane, partially because it had no obvious direction. It had a logo on every side, so it had no obvious right side up. I guess that was part of the idea...but to this day it gets me angry. Similarly, Slayer's Haunting The Chapel cover angers me to no end due to it's disregard for information hierarchy. How can you have the EP's name over the band name? Come on now. What's next cats mating with dogs? Is the whole world going crazy?

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One of the many unrealized dreams I have in life is the fact that I have never gone ahead and done the very thing I insisted I would do since I was about ten years old. No, I'm not talking about going skydiving, climbing Mt Everest, or spending a week in Cancun (actually, I've done that last one). I'm talking about starting a Kiss tribute band that would ONLY play songs from their best two albums, Music From The Elder and Unmasked.

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My brother and I once got tickets to see a taping of the David Letterman show. Luckily, we ended up sitting on the balcony, right above the band's drummer Anton Fig. In case you don't know, Anton Fig is a studio drummer who played on a few Kiss albums as a result of Peter Criss being too drunk and/or sucking too much to play on those albums. Fig played on my favorite Kiss song, Torpedo Girl. As such, during the entire taping of the show, I would lean over the balcony and yell down at him "Play Torpedo Girl!". After the twentieth time of me yelling this out, he looked up at me...and gave me the look. What is "the look" you ask? The way you look at the town idiot before you stone him to death and defecate on his face. I was very quiet for the rest of the taping, including the interview with Uma Thurman.


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Have you ever wondered what Joey DeMaio's weightlifting routine is? Have you ever wondered just how homoerotic things can get for Manowar while they're on the road? Well, you're in luck...because this video will show you everything you need to know. Please note that they count in german, and that Eric Adams likes to wear denim shirts to go to the beach. This video remeinds me of the time that I saw The Misfits on that first reunion tour. There was a large crowd behind the venue, I thought it was a fight. It wasn't, the band was lifting weights. Oy.

Evil D Arrested in Italy

A candid shot of Evil D and his prison bitch, Alessandro.

If you've ever been to Italy, then you know that Italians do not fuck around when it comes to airport security. They may not be able to win a war or protect their borders, but you cannot fuck with an Italian airport. There's carabinieri all over the place casually packing fully automatic firearms and I cannot tell you how many times I've had my luggage ransacked for no reason other than to make my life miserable.  It's no surprise then to find out that one of our favorite 90s death metal retards, David Vincent AKA Evil D, was arrested and charged with a weapons offence for carrying a bullet belt (Thanks to our loyal reader Jason for the tip). You can read the full Metal Hammer article about the incident here. Having personally spent many hours in Italian airports I cannot tell you how amusing I find this whole incident. I can totally picture airport security pulling the bullet belt out of Evil D's luggage, inspecting it, looking at each other, him pleading with them that it's not made of real bullets, then them whispering something to each other and within seconds 15-20 carabinieri swarming Evil D and escorting him to a holding cell. I'm not surprised that they questioned him for two and a half hours. When it comes to matters of airport security, Italians like to be thorough. When asked for a comment on the situation Evil D responded in his characteristic dickhead manner. "For 20 years I've had my same friendly bullet belt with me at all metal occasions. After 20 years of being a lawless individual, I'm happy that the Keystone Kops of spaghetti western fame have been able to show me the error of my ways." I'm sure it's that kind of attitude that got him into this fine mess in the first place. He's lucky the Italians are such understanding, forgiving people. In foreign countries around the world people have been brought before firing squads for much less!

Evil D going over the lyrics to a new song entitled "Eradication of the Etruscans."

Sacred Cow Barbecue: Some crappy dinosaur metal and other junk

I stole the title of this post from some video game magazine I was reading at Barnes & Noble the other day, I don't remember which one. In any case, if there is anything more fun than making internet metal nerds angry by pointing out how awful their favorite bands are without the aid of nostalgia-tinged, rose colored glasses, I can't think of it.

They looked cooler when they still dressed like this

Morbid Angel
Pete Sandoval may have invented "dee blass beat," but the rest of the band arguably invented generic Florida death metal. To be fair, they do have a few good songs ("Chapel of Ghouls," "Rapture," "God of Emptiness"), but everything else is the most boring, awful shit I have ever heard. I mean this band makes Deaden, Jungle Rot and Waco Jesus seem like brilliant virtuosos! To make matters worse, there are many bands that play Morbid Angel better than Morbid Angel themselves, for example Angelcorpse.

PS I have a Morbid Angel tattoo, lolz @ me.

If you guessed that this was a shot of Carcass playing a squat in Northern England, you're wrong. It's a picture of the bassist for Big Drill Car. But you see, it just as easily could have been Carcass, and that's the problem.

Carcass
Like Terrorizer, this band is worshipped by nerds everywhere. Everyone likes to establish their metal cred with that old saw, "I only like their early stuff!" and say that "Swansong" sucks. However, it is expressly forbidden to point out that even their early albums are basically just limp hard rock, watered down with the melodic parts that would become the entire basis of their style. The truth is that people who like Carcass are pussies that want to pretend they're listening to brutal grindcore but in reality are jamming what amounts to soft rock with a pitch shifter. For example, listen to "Tools of the Trade," which many nerds think is the best Carcass album. It's so full of melody and slow parts that it might as well be fucking Big Drill Car or something (Big Drill Car were way better, though). No slam riffs, dreadlocks, and pink guitars? Sounds pretty false metal to me.

Typical Japanese grindcore fan

Japanese grindcore and hardcore
If you like this destestable genre, chances are good that you wear rapist glasses, still buy vinyl, and beat off to anime snuff porn. And post on the Relapse board. People who are into this stuff also seem to be into all kinds of other creepy/dorky shit like Italian horror movies, Japanese gore movies, pro wrestling, and noise. Oh, and having Asian girlfriends/wives (Japanese is ideal, but they'll settle for any Southeast Asian broad they can lure into their web of creepiness). In general, they just won't shut up about the weird shit they're into and have no ability to detect your complete lack of interest. These losers are truly the bottom of the barrel in the already pathetic world of metal fandom.

You can blame ATG for the existence of this thing

At The Gates
The 90s were full of awful metal bands that played "melodic death metal" like this terrible band, and this decade has been full of even more awful hardcore bands that rip those bands off by playing boring tremolo riffs and screaming in their girl jeans. Also lots of them are Christian, which makes the whole phenomenon that much worse. ATG and the rest of this wretched genre is a botched attempt at combining two things that just don't belong together: melody and death metal.

Even Mr. Cool Ice laughs at Assuck fans like this guy

Assuck
I am pretty sure I've discussed how lame this band is before, but I can really never get enough of it. Assuck was very popular in the 90s with poser hardcore kids that had never heard blast beats and death metal vocals before. Much like when you were in junior high and would sell your soul to have any female human being touch your penis, regardless of how hideously ugly she might be, Assuck fans become giddy at the sound of Rob Procter's weak, gay blast beats because they just don't know any better. You can only imagine how floored they would be by, say, Benediction! And don't even get me started on the rest of this awful genre like Destroy, Resist, His Hero Is Gone, or really third-rate, bottom of the barrel bands like Reversal of Man. Most of the assholes that listened to Assuck in the 90s went on to be in indie rock bands and get Morrissey tattoos.

Retroview: Terrorizer - World Downfall

When I was 14 years old, I thought Lawnmower Deth was a fantastic band. I also liked this album a lot. But like "Satan's Trampoline," in retrospect, "World Downfall" is awful. I know it is heresy among the world of internet metal nerds to say that Terrorizer sucks, but it is the truth.

Grindcore is mostly a terrible genre full of boring, generic riffs and talentless morons that can't write songs. Therefore, it makes a lot of sense that grindcore "musicians" worship this album, because it is very, very boring and they are retards.

Some grindcore is tolerable because the songs are short, so if it sucks, it's OK because the song will be over in 30 seconds anyway. Not so with Terrorizer! They're happy to repeat the same couple riffs again and again, for nearly 4 minutes in some cases. The arrangements are so basic and dull that even Discharge would be ashamed of themselves if they were responsible for them. Likewise, Terrorizer's child-like lyrics make Discharge's simplistic, subhumanly-stupid chants sound like Shakespeare. "Why?" is like Finnegan's Wake compared to "Corporation Pull In."

And as far as production goes, I don't know who thought Scott Burns would be a good grindcore producer, but they were wrong. All you can hear is the fucking hi-hat going SSHSSHSSHSSH and Oscar Garcia's wretched barking.

But "World Downfall" is not without its merits. Aside from the cover, which is quite good, the best part is the thanks list in which they thank "N.W.A." and "E.Z.E." I am disappointed that although this album has been out for 20 years and they have been interviewed countless times, nobody has ever asked them about this!

Pete is seconds away from the emergency room, attn alcohol poisoning dept. She takes off her shirt in a second, too.

For bonus laffs, don't forget to watch the infamous Topless Radio interview with Morbid Angel (NSFW). In this interview, Pete Sandoval is on the verge of falling into an alcoholic coma and has the physique of a concentration camp survivor. He manages to ramble on and on about how he invented "dee blass beat" in 1986, though, and it's pretty entertaining. I tried to put it on Youtube but the fucking fascists wouldn't let me because of the bewbs. Where is Mike Muir to fight against censorship when you need him?!

In any case, this album is generic, boring grindcore that is to blame for legions of crappy imitators that have clogged my ears for nearly two decades. It's even worse than Carcass, who were also awful. Listen to Unseen Terror instead. If you are getting angry right now, you should probably consider suicide, or at least self-castration.

Unfortunate Moments In Metal Business Theory: Coffee + Metal

If you're anything like me, when you think about the perfect person to pick coffee beans in order to have the ideal blend of rich aroma and complex flavors, you think of Anthrax drummer Charlie Benante. When it comes to picking the very best in Peruvian fair trade beans, on the other hand, your man would be Dave Mustaine. Those are just the guys that come to mind when I think about these things. Call me crazy.

Luckily for all of us, someone out there agrees with my assessment. That someone is a lucky, yet bored housewife who's married to our favorite redheaded metal crybaby, Dave Mustaine. In order to keep her happy (and busy), Dave has allowed his wife to use the money he earns from Megadeth royalties to start Legends Cup Coffee (yes, it's a real company click the link). With signature coffee blends by Mr. Mustaine, as well as Charlie Benante and Goldberg (the wrestler), the company is sure to take the beverage world by storm. But probably not. Charlie Benante? Dave Mustaine? I think perhaps "legends" is overstating it bit...don't you? The poor woman is so out of it due to years of having to hear Dave go on and on and on about his fast picking, that she actually believes her husband and his friends are somewhat relevant to anyone in the world. Oh, how very little she knows. Megadeth, in my opinon, peaked during "So Far, So Good, So What...", a record that barely made any waves at all in the world of metal. A record so average, that it is the perfect musical embodiment of the expression "meh".

In this picture, Mustaine shows us yet another way that he can make an ass out of himself. He can do it on stage, by having a signature coffee blend, by crying on film, AND by engaging in a sport usually preferred by suburban 10 year olds.

But let's get back on track here folks, because I have good news. Aside from coffee, you can pay $39.99 for an autographed Mustaine mug. A MegaMug, if you will. Now, rather than making your co-workers guess how much of a douchebag you are, you can give them concise proof.

Here's the awesome Mustaine mug. I can't help but picture the moron who would buy this crying when the signature comes off in the dishwasher.

More about Mustaine's marriage. If you ever wondered what absolute desperation sounds like, just read the message below from Dave Mustaine about his chosen blend. This is a man at the end of his rope, doing whatever he can to support a wife that is nagging him 24-7. Please note his overuse of caps, as well as the use of the phrase "SO FAR". Not only does it make you have less faith in the product, but it also seems like a stupid attempt at making a Megadeth album pun. Maybe "My Wife Is Selling Crap Coffee, But Who's Buying?" Would have sounded better.

This is my favorite coffee SO FAR, and I hope it will be your favorite coffee too, SO FAR, until I can decide on which coffee to bring you next! This PERUVIAN coffee was so pleasing to taste and had the right boost I needed in the morning for me to prepare for another day of shredding! This DARK ROAST is the way I prefer it, but you can choose to have your coffee roasted NORMAL too. Its that simple! So join me and drink from the Legend's Cup.

Back to Charlie. Let's enjoy his message to us, the potential buyers of his fine product. His message is a bit more understated than MegaDave's.

Hello Coffee Lovers,
You all know me, you know how I earn a living. When I'm not bashing on my drums to the sounds of ANTHRAX, I like to enjoy a good cup of Coffee. I will drink it hot, iced, frapped and intravenously. I've been all around the world, tried many different blends and I have come up with some combinations that Kick Ass. If you are a coffee drinker, I think you're going to Love it. This is the Start of something really Delicious.

Note how he too uses caps for no reason at all. This is what I would imagine an email written by an inmate or a retard would look like.

So if Charlie and Dave are logical choices for picking my coffee blend, and marketing it...why not other "stars" in the metal world?


Billy Milano's Fat, Annoying Blend
Inspired by the pathetic similarity between S.O.D. and M.O.D., Billy's choice is the exact same blend as Charlie Benante's...but not quite as good. It also has 980 calories per cup, and leaves an annoying aftertaste similar to that of pure lard.


Evil D's-Evil Coffee
This dark and evil blend of coffee was pretty good when first introduced to the marketplace in the early 90's. Sadly, the quality has dropped precipitously after his wife chose to mess with the formula. Please note that feeling incredibly embarrassed by merely seeing a cup of this coffee is a perfectly normal reaction.

Danny Lilker's Tiny Blend
Made up of very tiny coffee grounds, this blend's unusual make up is primarily inspired by Danny's tiny baby-like teeth. Like Danny's career, you'll think something is happening when you begin to brew this coffee...but nothing will ever come of it. The smell of the coffee may seem promising, but don't be fooled. This fine blend of beans will simply never brew into actual coffee at all. Ideal as a gag gift.

King Diamond-Grandma's Favorite
A coffee so good, that even Grandma will forget about the fact she wanted tea, not coffee. This personalized blend is a favorite of people in highly influential metal bands, but you'll probably hate it when you first try it, and ask yourself "what the hell were they going on, and on about?" It's worth mentioning that the first few bags of this coffee that shipped were kinda' okay...but any of them that are dated 1989 or later, are terribly annoying and work best when thought of as a novelty coffee.

Please note that due to current litigation, this flavor is not available. Gene Simmons has filed paperwork in a California District Court alleging that he in fact invented this blend. As such, Kind Diamond must relinquish past earnings from this product. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.

In My Closet—D.I.Y. Morbid Angel Shirt

The year was 1991, and I was lucky enough to be living in the epicenter of death metal culture, Florida. Earache records could do no wrong then (we'll just try to forget Fudge Tunnel for the sake of this piece), and Chuck Schuldiner was practically reinventing death metal as he and an impressive list of studio musicians recorded "Human" in Morrisound Studios. It was a heady time for sure.

My family was broke as hell at the time, and sadly we could not afford proper metal attire for me to wear. Yes, I did manage to buy an Obituary back patch at the record store next to Bird Bowl in Miami...but that took months of saving. If I wanted a metal shirt, I was on my own. Back in the day, we didn't just buy our shirts. By god, we made them.

Enter Mr Delpino. Mr Delpino was a bug eyed drunkard of an art teacher at the school I attended. He was best known for multiple stints in rehab, drinking on the job (out of milk jugs he kept under his desk) and speaking to the class through a lapel clip-on mike. He would often leave the classroom as he was teaching, only to keep on teaching through the microphone. Hearing him take a piss in the bathroom through the small speaker at the front of the room as he continued to talk is something I'll never forget.

Anyway, I signed up to take his class because I heard that he allowed students to do silkscreening during and after class. I was hooked. During that semester I produced three shirts, the highlight of which is this fine Morbid Angel shirt you see here. I wore this shirt proudly all the time back then, knowing it was a one-of-a-kind item. It worked well with my black sweatpants. In retrospect, I'm not sure why I picked a white t shirt (the two other shirts are white also), except that perhaps I already had the shirts, and my mom refused to buy me black ones so I could screw them up by screening crap on them. It was an unusual choice for metal shirts to be sure, but also a smart one considering the blistering Florida sun. I was super metal AND weather conscious. What a combo. Ladies....I was a catch!


Looking at it now, I think the most redeeming quality of the shirt is the design in the front. I'm not sure where I came up with the idea for doing a typographic representation of the song "Immortal Rites", much less combining it with Morbid Angel's pentagram/cross/6 combo. A good bit of work seems to have gone into the word "immortal", while "rites" seems like an after thought. As I think about it now, I'm sure my mom was thrilled when I brought the shirt home. Not only had I ruined my white t shirt, but I had chosen to put this crap on it? Great. Unlike many people my age who look back on their younger years in shame, I look at this shirt with pride. Well, okay...and also some shame.

Metal Inquisition Video Vault: Napalm Death Checks The Album Mix In Scott Burns' Pick-Up Truck

As a little kid listening to metal, I always thought that for musicians (and others who worked in the metal-music biz), the world was surely filled with both brutality and glamour. An enticing combination for sure.

Then I saw this video...and I quickly became depressed. Watch as members of Napalm Death pile into Scott Burns' sad little pick-up truck to check the album mix for Harmony Corruption. Who knew that death metal guys were so comfortable with their sexuality to pile in so closely in a hot Florida afternoon for a metal sausage party? They look like clowns getting into a tiny car. Clowns who record death metal albums, that is. Shane looks like one of those mushroom characters from Super Mario. If you would have told me when I first heard Napalm Death that this is how death metal was made (in a crap studio by a highway in Florida, using a Mitsubishi truck to check the mix) I would have just given up and turned in the few metal credentials I had at 11 years old.

Watch closely, you don't want to miss:

- Scott Burns' tiny denim shorts
- Studio employee asking if its okay if "a guy from Morbid Angel" stops by
- Coroner sticker on pick-up truck
- Jessee following the notes along with his fingers

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