Win a copy of Decibel's Precious Metal book

What is your favorite item in the Edit menu? You could ask a million people this question and get a million answers. You'd hear everything from Find to Redo to my personal favorite, Select All. But I know if you asked Decibel Magazine's Editor-In-Chief, Albert Mudrian, his answer would be a combo: Copy and Paste. He likes it so much that he made a whole book by compiling 25 of Decibel's finest Hall of Fame stories by copying and pasting them into one file, then printing it all on the cheapest brownish-grey newsprint that money can buy!

If you're too cheap to click here and purchase a copy from Amazon, continue reading for details on how to win a free copy- and this could be your last chance, since it's burning up the charts at #18,047 on Amazon!

You can also read our 2008 interview with Albert here.

Albert hard at work "writing" Precious Metal

The Press Release
Here is the ham-fisted copy from the back cover that goes into more detail about this 250-page tribute to repurposed content. As you can see, beardos, hipsters, and dinosaur rockers alike will all be delighted- I know I have been waiting with baited breath to hear the real story behind the fucking Diamond Head LP!!

Precious Metal gathers pieces from Decibel's most popular feature, the monthly “Hall of Fame” which documents the making of landmark metal albums via candid, hilarious, and fascinating interviews with every participating band member.

Decibel's editor-in-chief, Albert Mudrian, has selected and expanded the best of these features, creating a definitive collection of stories behind the greatest extreme metal albums of all time.

Black Sabbath’s Heaven and Hell * Diamond Head's Lightning to the Nations * Slayer's Reign in Blood * Napalm Death's Scum * Repulsion's Horrified * Morbid Angel's Altars of Madness * Obituary's Cause of Death * Entombed's Left Hand Path * Paradise Lost's Gothic * Carcass' Necroticism- Descanting the Insalubrious * Cannibal Corpse's Tomb of the Mutilated * Eyehategod's Take as Needed for Pain * Darkthrone's Transylvanian Hunger * Kyuss's Welcome to Sky Valley * Meshuggah's Destroy Erase Improve * Monster Magnet's Dopes to Infinity * At the Gates' Slaughter of the Soul * Opeth's Orchid * Down's NOLA * Emperor's In the Nightside Eclipse * Sleep's Jerusalem * The Dillinger Escape Plan's Calculating Infinity * Botch's We Are the Romans * Converge's Jane Doe * Nitro's OFR * Meat Shits' Ecstacy of Death

The contest
As you know, Metal Inquisition is first and foremost the viral marketing division of Red Flag Media, the company who publishes Decibel and acquired this blog via hostile takeover earlier in 2009. Therefore, it was only natural that we would promote Precious Metal with the following gimmicky contest:

Da Capo Press and Decibel will give away one or more copies of book to the best review(s) posted in the comments of this post.

Of course, you will be writing a review of a book you haven't read, just like when I used to write reviews of records I hadn't listened to for the magazine I used to work for (I will let you guess which one that might be; unfortunately it was not Decibel). Since it can't be accurate, it should at least be entertaining. We will select the winner next Wednesday: we'll post the winning entry/entries and you can email us your address if it's yours.

Go!

Metal Inquisition invades Metal Injection's Tr00 and False

We are happy to announce a new weekly addition to Metal Inquisition's output. We have taken over Metal Injection's weekly Tr00 & False column, in which we review the week in metal and tell you which way is up. Please point your browser to Metal Injection and worship at our feet.

Click here for Tr00 & False

Follow us on Twitter
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Relapse roundup winter 09

I think I posted this before, but I'm too lazy to look through 400+ posts to find it. But when I was like 14, I got the "Corporate Death" compilation that Relapse put out and pretty much loved every song. That's how starved for metal I was back then, I was thrilled to listen to fucking Exit-13 and Convulse! Oh and I thought the pictures of their "headquarters" and boardroom were real (seriously, I did).

Of course, now I'm far too jaded to get excited about anything new (unless it's Forever The Sickest Kids or Gut doing rap songs). I'd rather just sit in my room and listen to Life of Agony and think about how bitter I am at the world. In any case, Relapse has always been kind to me since my zine days back in the mid 90s, so I thought we would give you the lowdown on some of their new releases. More to come in a future post, I can only review so much crap at once!


Mumakil - Behold the Failure
I don't like grind, so I didn't listen to this album for more than about 45 seconds. If you are into grind I'm sure you will like this, it sounds like Nasum with pretty sick drumming that reminds me of the first Origin record. But since I really couldn't care less about the music, I'll base my judgment on how the members of the band look.

He's even playing an ESP! Page Hamilton should sue him for exploiting his likeness. He's trying to rock back and forth like in the video for "Unsung."

The guitarist looks like Page Hamilton circa 1992. I love Helmet, and I always thought it was cool that they dressed like dorks while everybody else was rocking either grunge gear or JNCOs and chain wallets. That said, this guy needs to get with the program and ditch the Dockers shorts (and the braided leather belt that comes free with them).

Look at his stubby, sausage-like fingers, ick.

Unfortunately the Page Hamilton clone is paired with a gross beardo on vocals. Whenever I see guys like this I always assume the band sounds like Isis, Drowningman, or Hara Kiri-style "beardeath" (thanks for that term, Mo). In any of those cases, DO NOT WANT. I imagine this guy going on tour, gorging himself at Arby's and just destroying the bathroom at the house they stay at after the show. Look, you can't help it if you're born thick, but do you have to make matters worse by growing a disgusting neck beard??

Mumakil MySpace
Verdict: 6/10 bloody axes



Inevitable End - The Severed Inception
The cover made me think this band would sound like Damageplan, with some goatteed, shaven-headed fat guy singing with a terminal case of Robb Flynn's Disease. Or, since they're on Relapse, perhaps Tommy Victor's Disease.

I don't know the name for the terrible disease the singer suffers from, but he needs a doctor pronto!

Anyhow, I also only listened to this one for literally 10 seconds, but I think I got a pretty good idea of what to expect. Basically this is the sort of thing that would have given me a giant boner in 1999 or 2000 when I was super into Atheist, Cynic, (later) Broken Hope, Oppressor, Origin, Dillinger Escape Plan, and pretty much any other over-the-top-guitar-masturbation shredding technical death metal. Back then there weren't a ton of these bands around, so when they did come along it was pretty awesome. The exact opposite is true now, of course. Every 16 year old can shred his balls off, with the YouTube videos to prove it (it took me seriously like 4 seconds to find that, there are zillions more just like it).

Much like the athletes of today would wipe the floor with the guys from even 20 years ago, it's hilarious how amateurish and shitty the bands I grew up on sound today. I mean we thought Morbid Angel were amazing virtuosos, and even a B-level band that I've never heard of like Inevitable End can play rings around those guys without even trying. Of course, that doesn't mean I want to listen to them, but you know what I mean. Try listening to, say, Rottrevore these days. They seriously sound like something from a 10th grade talent show.

Anyhow, if you're into non-stop, balls-out shredding deathcore, you'll jizz over this for sure. I'll be jamming some Obituary if you need me.

Inevitable End MySpace
Verdict: 7/10 bloody axes


16 - Bridges to Burn
Now this is more like it!! There are few bands that I love more than 16 (along with their sister bands Despise You and Crom). I could write a review of it, but instead I'll just copy and paste an email I got from Gene Hoglan's Balls in which he mentioned it:

most porn stars don't make much, especially if you're a dude, but a top billing star like riley mason had to be making at least 5-10K a film. granted, that's still not that much money for sucking off and fucking random strangers, but i'm sure it's a lot more than she would have made had she stayed in north carolina, gone to community college, and worked at forever 21 in the local mall.

i have not seen adrenna lynn's butthole, but i would like to. the idea of tattooing your butthole is kind of brilliant. i don't even understand how it's possible, but i want to see it and i applaud her for going all out and making a real statement of individuality instead of just getting a shamrock on her pelvis.

i wasn't too into the new 16 album when i first heard it, but the more i listen to it the more i'm feeling it. there are few bands that can make the phrase "life sucks" sound so meaningful. i've also been listening to a lot of crowbar. there's nothing like overweight dirtbags telling you they've given you all they have to give over heavy as fuck riffs to help get you through those cold winter days.

you should definitely try to come out to REDACTED whenever you can. you're more than welcomed to crash at my place (i have a couch that folds out into a full-sized bed). we'll bro down like it's nobody's biz. we can watch the danzig home video, pound brews, chug some red bulls, blast some push-ups, and oogle hot babes. also, if you're not doing anything super bowl weekend REDACTED and i are driving out to REDACTED to watch the game. i think REDACTED might even be coming out. even if you don't care about football, it's worth it just for the spectacle. i was there when the steelers won the super bowl in '06 and it was fucking pandemonium.

Anyway, that's about all there is to say about 16. This record fucking rules. It's out now, and if you don't buy it you're a poser that's too happy. If you liked their old shit, this is just like it only with better production. There's nothing better to listen to when you're feeling old, bitter, broken-down and spiteful, which for me is pretty much 100% of the time!


Verdict: 9/10 bloody axes

Where are they now: Blue Grape Merchandise

Back in 1992, my brother and I would go down to the supermarket on a bi-monthly basis in order to pick up the latest issue of Metal Maniacs. After checking out the main articles and the poster, there was only one thing to look for....the Blue Grape Merchandise ad in the back. Over the years, we spent a small fortune on Blue Grape's horribly produced shirts and other assorted merchandise, helping the company make upwards of $20 million a year from idiots like us. I don't know why we wasted our money on their shirts...we are both short and rather slight, while Blue Grape's shirts were sized like tarps or circus tents.

Looking back, I can't remember if Blue Grape offered shirts in sizes other than XXL and up, but based on the shirts from back then that my brother and I still have...I think Blue Grape estimated that the average size of a metal fan was roughly 5'2" tall and 5'6" wide. Below is an accurate computer rendering of what I looked like wearing my Blue Grape Obituary shirt circa 1992.

Is that the Liberty Bell? No, just Lucho wearing his Obituary shirt.

Notice how my feet stuck out at the bottom, making me look like a scale model of the Liberty Bell. This attractive look basically made my feet look like the the part of a bell that swings like a pendulum as I walked, striking the actual bell/shirt. That part of a bell is called a "clapper", but I didn't know if anyone would know that. Anyway, I really don't know why we kept buying their wares. At one point, we actually placed such a large order that they sent us a gift certificate, with which we bought (I'm not kidding) a small, t-shirt shaped sign for my brother's new car. The sign was just like one of those "baby on board" signs, including the suction cup, but was of a tiny Sepultura shirt, which said "Tour 1989" on the back. I would love to go on and on making fun of them for producing such a stupid artifact, but we were dumb enough to buy it. My brother had it on the back window of his car for some time, until the heat began to melt and warp one of the sleeves...thus enlarging it, much like an actual Blue Grape t-shirt, or their coveted Prong hockey jerseys.

When I first decided to write a little something about Blue Grape, I thought I would find ample information about the once-leading purveyor of metal related attire. Not so. Like the Incas, who disappeared and only left behind Machu Picchu for us to admire, all that remains of Blue Grape are some ill-fitting circus tents in my closet and some faint memories. While I found several phone numbers online for the now forgotten company, all were disconnected. Their site is now down, a mere memory of a once great shirt empire. Similarly, their office (see photo below) which was located on Broadway in New York City, is now probably vacant. I picture tumbleweed rolling around the empty cubicles, as a single Prong hockey jersey still hanging proudly on the wall.

Blue Grapes former world headquarters were located over this Levi's store in Manhattan. Prime real estate for a company that sold Deicide keychains and shirts.

I found one posting of a job at Blue Grape from 2004. $50,000 a year for a Senior Production Director. I also found an interesting interview with Felix Sebacious, then VP at Blue Grape in which he discusses how Blue Grape started to make panties, and how he was able to get Glen Benton to sign the merchandise deal for Deicide. Sebacious recalls:

"When he finally agreed to a meeting time, it could only be at 7 a.m. on a Sunday in the backyard of his house. Before discussing his contract, he insisted that I help him give his lizard an injection of antibiotics. We went through this whole bonding experience that included holding the thing down and giving it the shot, but in the end, we were able to get the contract signed quite easily, and it turned out to be a rather lucrative merchandising deal."

As interesting as I found this interview, I was left wanting more. What had happened to this once great empire? I had way too many questions. Was it their horrendous sizing strategy that had finally put them out of business? Did the managers at the factories where Sepultura patches were made get carpal tunnel from endlessly beating the Filipino boys who made those artifacts? Was "Sebacious" a real last name? I had to keep investigating.


In the past, I have written about my memories of long-forgotten merchants in the world of metal such as Wild Rags Records. After writing that post, I ended up with more questions than answers, though our readers did manage to fill in some blanks via their comments. Like Blue Grape, Wild Rags largely fell off the map suddenly. In Wild Rags' case it was mostly as a result of having peaked before the internet boom. Not content simply letting the whole thing go, I thought I should contact a friend of mine who is in the very business that Blue Grape was in, merchandise and licensing. Even from such an industry insider, I was only able to gather a tiny bit of information. Blue Grape was bought out by Bravado just a few years back. They had started to license some non-metal brands, and after being bought out, all those other licenses were dumped. Sadly, this is all the information I was able to gather. Do any readers have any more information, or perhaps stories about their ill-sized Blue Grape merch?

How to invest during times of economic uncertainity

Though widely criticized for being an inaccurate index of the market (since it takes only 30 stocks into account), the Dow Jones has in fact performed very much in line with broader U.S. markets.

As the world struggles through the current economic crisis, Metal Inquisition financial analyst Devesh Bharadwaj takes a closer look at lesser known investment opportunities that may be tempting to metal fans. Is investing in metal a sound choice during these unstable times? Read on to find out.




Avenge Sevenfold autographs make guitar actually be worth less than retail price.



While doing a search on the world wide interweb for used axes as a potential investment, I came across this Schecter Omen guitar. I know what you're saying, Schecter guitars are not exactly the most metal guitars ever (here at M.I. we endorse Jackson of course) but put that aside for just a second. The Craigslist post I found was for a brand new guitar, one that normally retails for $300 and has a list price (MSRP) of $499, selling for only $250. Why so little? The mere fact that it's autographed by the band Avenge Sevenfold makes it actually be worth LESS than retail. Is this drop in price merely a sign of the worldwide economic collapse? Perhaps. Be careful in whose autograph you invest.





Also included in the post is another guitar signed by the band Seether, but they are even less metal than Avenge Sevenfold so I wont even mention them, even though I think its funny that Wikipedia refers to them as a "South African post-grunge band". I had to look them up to see if they were worth mentioning. Man, wouldn't you be bummed if you were in a band and your autograph made things actually decrease in value? It's like having the opposite of the Midas touch, everything you touch turns into complete and utter shit.


Metallica autographs make a horrible guitar worth way too much.


In sharp contrast, a Squire guitar autographed by Metallica is selling for a steep $2,372. How they came up with that number, I have no idea, but that's an incredible increase from its retail price of $169. I don't know why on earth you'd get Metallica to sign a strat, much less a Squire strat, not even a Mexican Fender! Apparently, Metallica's autographs are the only recession proof signatures you can have. Forget stocks, hedge funds or anything else...the way to go is Metallica autographs! Buy, buy, buy!


Gwar "slave" autographs guitar. Price of guitar drops immediately.




Perhaps Metallica is not your cup of tea (and who could blame you), maybe Gwar is more up your alley, and you'd like to invest on something you actually enjoy. Well, you're in luck. What about an autographed BC Rich "Bich" model guitar? It's not signed by a member of the band Gwar though. Oh no. The guitar is signed by a Gwar "slave" (aka roadie). In this case, the nearly new guitar drops in price from $399 retail to $250. At least in this case, the seller (who is the Gwar roadie) is nice enough to give the buyer the ability to choose if they want the autograph on the guitar or not. He writes "*GWAR SLAVE AUTOGRAPH IS OPTIONAL.."


Obituary and Dream Theater drummers sign drumsticks. Price of drumsticks drops. I think.

Note that the Donald Tardy drumstick is dirty. That's because I used briefly it as a stake to hold down some string while doing yard work a few years back.

The bad news about the price of metal autographs not only dropping, but hindering the value of the very items the autographs are on made me worry about my own investments. How has the current crisis affected my Donald Tardy and Mike Portnoy signed drumsticks? I had no way of knowing since my calls to Lehman Brothers went unanswered. Having no other place to turn, I simply asked my wife. I asked her "If I sell these drumsticks in a garage sale, how much do you think I could get for them?", her response was brief "How should I know? Fifty cents maybe? Why are you asking me?". That's all the research I needed. They were now worth worth less than when they were new. I was crushed.

Where does that leave me? Maybe I should look into other autographs as possible investment opportunities during these unstable times. Maybe autographed ticket stubs by the likes of Deeds Of Flesh or Suffocation is the way to go? This guy seems to gave just about any autograph you are looking for. Then again, perhaps I should look into some Lars Ulrich signed drumsticks as a safer investment. After all, you're supposed to buy low, and sell high right? I think anytime after And Justice For All could be safely considered a "low" for Metallica....but will there ever be another "high" in their future? Damn. Maybe there's no safe investments after all.

Metallica=Big Business: 1. Wall Street Journal reports about new albums sucking. 2. Metallica rebrands itself

Metallica is big business, and not just because of the recent release of these amazingly comfortable "Master of Puppets" underpants.

1. Wall Street Journal reports on quality of new album:
With all the upheaval in the financial markets, is there one financial institution that is still making money and may still be worth reporting on? Why yes, there's always Metallica. I know, I know...Metallica are not a metal band and no longer matter at all. I get it. Still, if you're my age or older...you remember a time when they mattered very much. As such, imagine my surprise when I opened the Wall Street Journal to check on my extensive and diverse stock portfolio (Earache Records, Blue Grape Merchandise, Axxis Drum Pedals, EMG Pickups) and found news about Metallica's new album instead. As it turns out, the new album sucks balls, and not just for the usual reasons (lack of musical ability, lack of songwriting skills, lack of a drummer etc). If you thought St. Anger's mix was bad, Death Magnetic has some issues as well, and it has nothing to do with Trujillo's crabwalking. Fans are signing petitions to have the album remixed, and album's mastering engineer agrees, saying:

"Believe me, I'm not proud to be associated with this one."

Those are exactly the words of every single person that has been involved with every Metallica project after And Justice For ALl. You can read the article here, or just look at this fancy graphic, courtesy of the WSJ. I don't want them to sue our asses, and I believe that by crediting them, we'll be just fine. I took one class about law in a Community College once. I'm an expert.





2. Metallica hires Turner Duckworth to rebrand itself
What should an ailing band that has not produced quality music in ages do in order to better itself? First you hire a psychiatrist (as we saw in Some Kind Of Monster), and then you hire a branding agency. Why? Metallica is a brand, you see, and as such it deserves the same treatment that the likes of Coke and Amazon.com have gotten from Turner Duckworth. Look, I'm not naive. I don't object to this on the basis that branding implies big business. I'm okay with that. I know that Metallica makes tons of money, and that they're a business with employees like any other type of company. My objection is based on the fact that Metallica bandmembers honestly think that this is even worth pursuing. Forgive me for using such an overused comparison, but this is like rearranging the deck furniture on the Titanic. Kerry King (out of all people) said it best. Metallica are a sinking ship. A huge, bloated ship. Read the story here.


One of the primary components of a brand is a logo. Turner Duckworth no doubt charged tons of money to the bloated monster known as Metallica to make their logo back into what it was during And Justice For All.

Recruiting for Metal: A Human Resources Model for Hiring in the Metal Community

I didn't know what to make of this at first, but I soon knew I needed to bring it to MI. This was found over at something awful yesterday. Sadly, it sounds like something I may have written when I was younger. Read through it and then we can get to business.

_______________________________________________________

Hey looking for hardcore rock gods to start SUPER BLACK METAL BAND

I am learning to play guitar and also Im ok at singing. need drummer, guitarist, bassist and songwriter to join ONLY JOIN IF YOUR SERIOUS ABOUT METAL OK. I have a bunch of lyrics written so just need someone to come up with music for them. One would be are signature song because its about this high school in an post apoctlyptic world where all the teachers are really The Devil wearing different masks.

Also I was thinking we could be called "Black Horse Riders Of The North" or maybe "Sheep Gut Lickers", I haven't decided.

I am a sophomore at Carlsbad High and I think we can sometimes use the band room because the band teacher likes me, other then that I need someone with a place to practice cuz mom won't let me play metal, she's too afraid of it's POWER

plz contact Dwayne Geitz


_______________________________________________________

Noah Begley
334 Wilson St.
Carlsbad, CA 92008
4/27/08

Dear Mr. Geitz,

I am writing in regards to the advertised position in your black metal band. I would very much like a chance to be part of this venture, and I feel that I have the rock god skills necessary to efficiently build and maintain a high profile Satan-worshipping black metal band. My education and background are perfect for a "god of metal" position, as I will explain below.

After graduating from Harvard, with distinction, in the field of English (a degree that puts me in a unique position to provide constructive and informed criticism for lyrics involving oral sex with voluptuous demonic women who have broad ashy nipples that taste faintly of molten rock and acid, and about riding at night on an enormous black war machine piloted by Satan to rain destruction on young innocent Christians, and about going to a 24-hour diner created in the darkest pits of hell, clad in ebony robes worn to perform demonic incantations, and eating a plate of fried cheese and buffalo wings in the corner by the bathroom), I was hired by a large accounting firm in New York.

During my time at this accounting firm, I learned how to work effectively in a team environment, how to manage time wisely to meet concurrent goals, and how to hate authority to the maximum levels that I am personally able to attain. In the area of hating authority, I took the initiative in getting my boss's face tattooed on my left shoulder with a knife protruding out of his forehead. The skills I gained in being really mad at authority and also working effectively in a team environment would be perfect for use in a devil-focused black metal band.

I left a threatening note on my boss's porch once, which demonstrates a commitment to achieving my goals, and also I broke into his house and watched his TV all night while he slept and then snuck out just as he woke up but not before switching the order of the breakfast cereals on the kitchen shelf. This indicates a variety of skills so useful and applicable to the job in question that I will not actually name any of them here.

After departing from the position at the accounting agency soon after the previously described events, I embarked on a self-supervised course of heavy metal history in my home over the span of two years. Utilizing a guitar I bought off my cousin and a collection of used CDs I purchased economically from a going out of business music store, I rapidly taught myself the basic structure of heavy metal instrumentation, as well as the required attitude, mindset, and fashion accessories needed to both appreciate and perform metal at a consistent standard of quality.

My self-appointed goal was to reach a certain level of "kicking ass" each day, which I judged through the method of looking at myself in the mirror and gauging how awesome I looked. When not performing to adequate levels of "kick ass", I taught myself a variety of strategies to overcome the problem, such as the consumption of alcoholic performance aids, or calling my boss in the middle of the night and hanging up just after he answers.

I am looking forward to working with you, and I have my amp and guitar packed up in the trunk of my Ford Probe ready to go the moment I am contacted. I also have a leather jacket with the word "SATAN RULES" written on the back in duct tape, which could be utilized in a variety of situations. The L and the R are half-fallen off, but you can still definitely see what it is supposed to say.

Your brother in metal,
Noah Begley

_______________________________________________________

hey naoh,

thanks for writing me about the metal band thing but I'm looking for people who are a little more committed and serious about this, I think we may be able to take on the school talent show in a few months if we really work at it
may satan rock your world,


Dwayne

_______________________________________________________


I doubt this is real, but it got me thinking. What if metal bands applied HR practices when looking for new members? Also, how would some of my metal icons rate if reviewed using what I use for interviewing new hires?

_______________________________________________________



Chuck Schuldiner
Chuck interviewed well and had all the right answers to the questions asked. Some reviewing of past work experience shows that while he runs his own business, he has had problems with retaining employees. He seems like a natural born leader, but questions of being a team player remain. His examples of past projects show excellent knowledge of the market that teeter on the verge of true innovation. Chuck comes across as one who is always thinking ahead, but I question if this comes at a cost of alienating others due to what I perceive as a stubbornness to work collaboratively in the long term.

_______________________________________________________


John Tardy
This seemed to go on a bit longer than it should have. Considering personality, I really like John, but professionally I am not sure if he is a good fit. He seemed to have a hard time articulating ideas and appeared to be drunk as his words were slurred and drawn out. He has spent a long time with his current employee with brings up concerns of being able to fit into a new organization. I am not sure, based on his experience, that he meets the demands of the new market.

_______________________________________________________


Gene Hoglan
Gene was quiet during the interview as if he almost didn’t care he was interviewing. Gene has a long history of employment with different employers. He also possesses a bit of a journeyman mentality. He is very skilled at what he does, but the big question is about dedication. His resume suggests a fair amount of moving from job to job within short frames of time. We should consider for a consultant but not full-time.

_______________________________________________________


Kerry King
I am not sure what Kerry does. He has worked for a very large and well know establishment with in the community, but seems to play a secondary role to a much more talented coworker. He appears to be a bit all over the place and has a tendency to dwell into the nonsensical. He does possess a strong skill set but based on experience as well as personal appearance, he comes across as being a follower and not a leader. He is one who could strengthen the organization, but no necessarily redefine it.

Unfortunate Moments In Metal Business Theory: Coffee + Metal

If you're anything like me, when you think about the perfect person to pick coffee beans in order to have the ideal blend of rich aroma and complex flavors, you think of Anthrax drummer Charlie Benante. When it comes to picking the very best in Peruvian fair trade beans, on the other hand, your man would be Dave Mustaine. Those are just the guys that come to mind when I think about these things. Call me crazy.

Luckily for all of us, someone out there agrees with my assessment. That someone is a lucky, yet bored housewife who's married to our favorite redheaded metal crybaby, Dave Mustaine. In order to keep her happy (and busy), Dave has allowed his wife to use the money he earns from Megadeth royalties to start Legends Cup Coffee (yes, it's a real company click the link). With signature coffee blends by Mr. Mustaine, as well as Charlie Benante and Goldberg (the wrestler), the company is sure to take the beverage world by storm. But probably not. Charlie Benante? Dave Mustaine? I think perhaps "legends" is overstating it bit...don't you? The poor woman is so out of it due to years of having to hear Dave go on and on and on about his fast picking, that she actually believes her husband and his friends are somewhat relevant to anyone in the world. Oh, how very little she knows. Megadeth, in my opinon, peaked during "So Far, So Good, So What...", a record that barely made any waves at all in the world of metal. A record so average, that it is the perfect musical embodiment of the expression "meh".

In this picture, Mustaine shows us yet another way that he can make an ass out of himself. He can do it on stage, by having a signature coffee blend, by crying on film, AND by engaging in a sport usually preferred by suburban 10 year olds.

But let's get back on track here folks, because I have good news. Aside from coffee, you can pay $39.99 for an autographed Mustaine mug. A MegaMug, if you will. Now, rather than making your co-workers guess how much of a douchebag you are, you can give them concise proof.

Here's the awesome Mustaine mug. I can't help but picture the moron who would buy this crying when the signature comes off in the dishwasher.

More about Mustaine's marriage. If you ever wondered what absolute desperation sounds like, just read the message below from Dave Mustaine about his chosen blend. This is a man at the end of his rope, doing whatever he can to support a wife that is nagging him 24-7. Please note his overuse of caps, as well as the use of the phrase "SO FAR". Not only does it make you have less faith in the product, but it also seems like a stupid attempt at making a Megadeth album pun. Maybe "My Wife Is Selling Crap Coffee, But Who's Buying?" Would have sounded better.

This is my favorite coffee SO FAR, and I hope it will be your favorite coffee too, SO FAR, until I can decide on which coffee to bring you next! This PERUVIAN coffee was so pleasing to taste and had the right boost I needed in the morning for me to prepare for another day of shredding! This DARK ROAST is the way I prefer it, but you can choose to have your coffee roasted NORMAL too. Its that simple! So join me and drink from the Legend's Cup.

Back to Charlie. Let's enjoy his message to us, the potential buyers of his fine product. His message is a bit more understated than MegaDave's.

Hello Coffee Lovers,
You all know me, you know how I earn a living. When I'm not bashing on my drums to the sounds of ANTHRAX, I like to enjoy a good cup of Coffee. I will drink it hot, iced, frapped and intravenously. I've been all around the world, tried many different blends and I have come up with some combinations that Kick Ass. If you are a coffee drinker, I think you're going to Love it. This is the Start of something really Delicious.

Note how he too uses caps for no reason at all. This is what I would imagine an email written by an inmate or a retard would look like.

So if Charlie and Dave are logical choices for picking my coffee blend, and marketing it...why not other "stars" in the metal world?


Billy Milano's Fat, Annoying Blend
Inspired by the pathetic similarity between S.O.D. and M.O.D., Billy's choice is the exact same blend as Charlie Benante's...but not quite as good. It also has 980 calories per cup, and leaves an annoying aftertaste similar to that of pure lard.


Evil D's-Evil Coffee
This dark and evil blend of coffee was pretty good when first introduced to the marketplace in the early 90's. Sadly, the quality has dropped precipitously after his wife chose to mess with the formula. Please note that feeling incredibly embarrassed by merely seeing a cup of this coffee is a perfectly normal reaction.

Danny Lilker's Tiny Blend
Made up of very tiny coffee grounds, this blend's unusual make up is primarily inspired by Danny's tiny baby-like teeth. Like Danny's career, you'll think something is happening when you begin to brew this coffee...but nothing will ever come of it. The smell of the coffee may seem promising, but don't be fooled. This fine blend of beans will simply never brew into actual coffee at all. Ideal as a gag gift.

King Diamond-Grandma's Favorite
A coffee so good, that even Grandma will forget about the fact she wanted tea, not coffee. This personalized blend is a favorite of people in highly influential metal bands, but you'll probably hate it when you first try it, and ask yourself "what the hell were they going on, and on about?" It's worth mentioning that the first few bags of this coffee that shipped were kinda' okay...but any of them that are dated 1989 or later, are terribly annoying and work best when thought of as a novelty coffee.

Please note that due to current litigation, this flavor is not available. Gene Simmons has filed paperwork in a California District Court alleging that he in fact invented this blend. As such, Kind Diamond must relinquish past earnings from this product. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.

Everything you need to know about WIGGER SLAM METAL

We talk about wigger slam metal a lot here on Metal Inquisition, but there is still a lot of confusion as to what exactly the genre means. In this post, I will attempt to explain the basics. Unlike a lot of what we write about on here, I take wigger slam metal very seriously and I honestly love this stuff.

What's wigger slam?
Slam metal is just death metal that focuses on the mosh parts instead of the thrash parts. It's very straightforward. They key elements are a very ringy snare, guttural cricket vocals, and of course tons of slam riffs. Wigger slam metal is simple slam metal played by wiggers. And there is no shortage of this stuff, as you will see.

The early years: Long Island guido slam metal
In the beginning, there was Internal Bleeding. And before that, there was Pyrexia and Suffocation. But it wasn't until Internal Bleeding that the guido and wigger elements crept into the slam sound. They had lots of slam riffs and acted like tough guys. It makes a lot of sense when you think about how stupid people from Long Island are.

Waking The Cadaver: Jersey Shore slamming sickness!!

Then you had bands like Repudilation and Entorturement that took it to the next level of wiggerdom by actually rapping over slam riffs. It was equal parts totally ridiculous and totally fucking awesome. I still listen to the Repudilation demo all the time. Rounding out this scene were bands like Dehumanized and Disfigured that slammed like crazy but lacked the wigger overtones. They're still worth listening to, though, even though you'll miss the wig.

The next generation: Devourment and Texas slam metal
However, it was really Devourment that created the genre we know today as wigger slam metal (although they were mostly Mexicans... but whatever). They introduced some of the common elements such as TR-808 bass drops, gravity blasts, and post-Internal Bleeding cricket vocals. I mean Frank Rini had some deep-ass vocals but in a totally different way from Devourment. Most wigger slam bands these days are essentially just refining the Devourment formula, ever so slightly improving on it every time. It's almost as though Devourment was put through the Toyota kaizen process a thousand times, getting a little more refined each time. I think Jack Welch would be proud. Other notable bands of this generation include Sect of Execration, Prophecy (keepin' it fuckin sick!), and a zillion other bands I can't think of right now. Viral Load or something I guess.

Japanese wigger slam metallers Vomit Remnants

The new wave: Wigger slam goes international
New school wigger slam metal just might be my favorite kind of music in the whole world. These days most of the wigger slam metal happens in places like Russia, Japan, and Scandanavia. I think this is because their malformed third world minds don't quite understand how absurd and uniquely American it is to wear camo shorts, basketball jerseys and play slam riffs with cricket vocals. But whatever, because those Japanese really know how to fuckin slam, I'll tell you what. The Russians are developing a really distinctive style as well. But the Americans are still holding it down. You definitely need to check out Cephalotripsy- they sound just like Voracious Contempt but with even more machine-like slams, an even ringier snare sound, and even deeper vocals.

Yes, they even have wiggers in Sweden

America/Canada
Cephalotripsy (probably the very best wigger slam band ever)
Guttural Secrete
Waking The Cadaver
Orchidectomy

Japan
Vomit Remnants
Glossectomy
Rest In Gore
Disconformity

Check out the cornrows on the left and how the bassist is playing like Fieldy from Korn (this is Rest In Gore)

Russia & Scandanavia
Katalepsy
Abominable Putridity
Soils of Fate

Please visit the Guttural Slamming Brutality Crew

Here is a song by Rest In Gore that's maybe the very best example of the latest wigger slam stylings from Japan.



And here is a video by the Japanese wigger slam metal band Glossectomy. Please note the MC Hammer-like beanies and wiggerish arm movements.



Budget Wigger Slam
There is a small but important sub-genre of combines the lo-fi production and sloppiness of grindcore with the traditional wigger slam style. We call this budget wigger slam, and it is typically found in the wilds of MySpace. There are zillions of these bands, and like noisecore, you either like all of them or none of them. I like lots of these bands, with Artery Eruption and Grymer being excellent examples. But fucking Malignant Rupture are the kings of budget wigger slam! They're like 15 years old and slam like there is no tomorrow. I hope they put out a demo or something, I can't stop listening to their MySpace song.

I wish I could slam like this slam wiglet from Malignant Rupture when I was in 10th grade

Big Chocolate
This 17 year old kid, who goes by Big Chocolate on the interweb, really deserves his own entry in the annals of slam history. In my opinion he is the finest wigger slam metal musician in the history of the genre, and I'm not even fucking kidding a tiny bit. I'm totally on this kid's balls. He is in the bands Disfiguring the Goddess and Malodorous. Please note his Wu-Tang shirt.