Anthrax Among The Living cassette, circa 1989. All writing done by my brother, except for the band logo and album name at the bottom left, which I did. Notice the droopy, downward pointing letters in the name of the album up top. A foreshadowing of where the band's career was headed, and how quickly Scott Ian would become so sad that we'd all feel bad when laughing at him. This was cassette #29 in our collection.
#13 in the collection, this tape probably dates to early 1990 or so. At some point we re-numbered the collection, which explains its lower number. Also, Side B was dubbed much later.
On side A, we have Colombian masters Kraken (see video below). Side B features Voivod's Nothingface. Next to the band's name, the name "Aaron" denotes who this was dubbed from. Aaron was a friend from the Dominican Republic. Aaron appeared to be in denial of the fact that he was black, and often made racist comments that left us all bewildered. He loved Glenn Danzig and once proudly (and very loudly) announced the following to my brother in the middle of class: "My mom said I could relax my hair and grow out my sideburns!"
"Storytime With Metal Inquisition", a nationwide project throughout public libraries, which teaches kids about metal and metal history. A special thanks to Megaforce Records for its contributions to this important program.
If there's one thing that all of us at Metal Inquisition seem to do a fair amount of, it would have to be living in the past. In my case, I mostly seem to dwell on the most amazing moments in metal history...and I thus celebrate landmark moments like Forbidden's "Twisted To Form" album, as well as that one time that Mille from Kreator hosted Headbanger's Ball. Mr. Sergeant D, being a younger-in-spirit type of guy, chooses instead to celebrate the past by practicing Forced Entry riffs on his reverse headstock Jackson dinky. My brother, Skullkrusher, opts for quiet and relaxing evenings at home, sipping on a fine beverage while blasting the Wermacht LP. Mr Gene Hoglan's Balls, a quality human being if there ever was one, chooses to drive around Newark airport while listening to the Grindcrusher compilation in cassette format. However we choose to celebrate our metal past, one thing is for sure, it's a part of who we are today. It's for that reason that just a couple of weeks ago, I posted an homage (of sorts) to thrash metal empresario and label owner Jonny Z. Much like spraying insecticide under a washing machine tends to upset the roaches living under it, that post seemed to stir the sleeping Jersey residents who had memories of Jonny and his great record store. One such Jersey resident (who I have just unwillingly compared to a cockroach...but really...no Jersey resident would take that as an insult) who commented on that post was "Anon". This person, one filled with metal memories of the scene from back in the day (and the memorabilia to back it up) has granted us rare access into his metal archives. Why is access to his archives "rare"? Because I'm guessing that these things are kept in his mom's attic...and although he still lives at home, his mom gets super angry when he goes up there and makes a mess of her quilting supplies and christmas ornaments. With that in mind, you should understand how rare and impressive his insights and mementos are. Afterall, I think we could all use more upbeat and informative posts these days. Why do we all need upbeat posts? Because of the economy? Because of the high unemployment rate? Well, sort of. You see, Metal Church, the other amazing Seattle band (Forced Entry being the first) have called it quits! As a result, five more unskilled douchebags are now entering the ranks of the unemployed in the greater Seattle area. Because of that bit of sad news, all of us at the MI corporate offices are wearing black today...as we mourn the death of a band whose catalog we were barely aware of...and whose name was nearly as putrid as Exciter. It's for that reason that we should treasure this guest post. Enjoy it, and think of it as "metal storytime" with uncle Anon. Unlike when you had storytime with your uncle Earl, however, Anon won't touch you in a funny place, or try to play "hide the pickle" with you. Enjoy.
In the interest of fairness I must preface this by going on record as saying that Jonny and everyone else associated with RnR Heaven were always stand-up people in their dealings with me. Jonny was a pretty cool guy and always respectful towards his oftentimes annoying customers. Whether it was foresight or just plain luck, he certainly took the ball and ran with it. When I first started going to his little shop, he was just a weird guy selling totally obscure imported metal records by bands no one had ever heard of. He may not have created it single-handedly, but he was most definitely a major contributor to the overall metal scene, no question. Any jibes I direct towards Johnny Z or his store are all strictly good-natured and in the spirit of fun. That said, on to my pics.
The original RnR Heaven T-shirt. Yes, it’s all stretched out and crookedy but bear in mind that it is a 27 year old shirt, it’s only a few molecules away from disintegrating completely at this point. It’s been un-wearable for decades; I only still have it for purposes of mindless nostalgia like this. If you wore it to the store you got a 10% discount on everything you bought. I think that’s supposed to be Icarus (as in Maiden’s “Flight Of…”). What Icarus has to do with rock and roll, I don’t know. I also don’t know why the Rt. 18 flea market referred to itself as being “international”, the only difference between it and any other NJ flea market was that the quality of their merchandise was much lower.
The reverse of the shirt, featuring a somewhat morbid and rather odd list of dead rock stars (and Murry the K for some reason, who was an old-time radio DJ). When it was first conceived, RnR Heaven was a “rock and roll” imports-only shop, it just so happened that at the time all of the in-demand import records were metal records from England and Europe. A niche market was born and Jonny Z was all too happy to fill that niche. Which explains why a shop noted for being heavily associated with all things metal had an official T-shirt featuring names having little or nothing to do with “metal” at all.
This picture just screams, “future Rock and Roll Hall Of Famers”, doesn’t it? Homo-erotic catch phrases and demo titles aside, this is the tape that made Ron McGovney the answer to the trivia question he is today. You can’t see it well in this awful picture but the tape itself is very helpfully labeled “Metallica demo”, quite possibly in Johnny’s very own handwriting. I was his only customer on one especially slow Sunday afternoon in early 1983 and Jonny convinced me to drop $5 on this demo by a hot new band he was planning on seriously getting behind in a big way. I succumbed to his pitch and although I had no idea at the time, it was the start of a love-hate-more hate-even more-hate relationship that persists to this very day. Who’d have thunk it?
Note how James and Lars went out of the way to state how Cliff didn’t play bass on the demo while simultaneously ignoring the guy who did. Certain behaviors are obviously deeply rooted. I dug the demo, I liked Hetfield’s goofy high-pitched vocals and I thought the lyrics to “Jump In The Fire” and “The Mechanics” were better than the “Kill 'Em ALl” versions. It really sounded like shit though, unless you turned the bass on your stereo all the way down it was basically unlistenable, much like everything they’ve recorded since 1988 (except with those recordings it’s best to turn the VOLUME all the way down).
“Welcome To Hell” picture disc. In late 1982 into 83 Venom had developed a pretty decent following around the N.J. area. The music was laughably simplistic and the lyrics and imagery were ridiculously campy and silly, but at the time they were as “extreme” as metal got. Venom had a video for “Witching Hour” which Jonny had playing at his store on a continuous loop and it absolutely scared the shit out of random shoppers passing by. The various longhaired freaks that congregated at "the Heaven" really stood out among the old ladies shopping for cheap tube socks. When bands like Venom, Anthrax, Metallica and etc. did in-store appearances it was absolutely surreal. Guys like Cronos and Dave Mustaine got plenty of double takes while strolling around the decidedly lower-middle class flea market environment, especially when they were decked out in white furry Viking boots, fringy white leather jackets, bullet belts and hand grenades.
In '82 Jonny had promoted a few live shows. Anvil and Manowar both performed at the flea market itself (seriously) and he also promoted a Halloween show featuring Riot, Raven and Anvil. In 83 he brought Venom over from England for their first stateside appearance. “The Blitz Is On” refers to a planned series of shows that never really materialized as he envisioned, but he managed to put together some memorable concerts that year nonetheless. Unfortunately I did not attend the Venom show, a fact that still irks me to this day. My first concert ended up being the Raven/Metallica “Kill Em All For One” show that took place later in 1983. I still haven’t managed to see Venom yet and based upon projections of their current career path it’s unlikely I ever will. At this point I doubt I'm missing much anyway.
Check this out, a 45RPM Venom single (featuring “In Nomine Satanas” as the B-side). Note the Venom logo on the record label, it’s actually hand drawn with a black marker, quite possibly by a member of Venom themselves. “Bloodlust” was followed by the legendary “Black Metal” LP a few months later. I once owned a personally autographed copy of “Black Metal”; however that treasure was somehow lost to the ages. Believe it or not, I received “Black Metal” (had it signed later) as a Christmas gift from my mother, who ventured into RnR Heaven in search of a gift certificate which, of course, RnR Heaven did not offer back during those nascent days (come to think of it I'm not sure if they ever did). It is truly a testament (no pun intended) to the man’s salesmanship abilities that Johnny was able to convince my half-cool/half-clueless mom that “Black Metal” and Witchfinder General’s “Death Penalty” were the perfect Xmas gifts for the young metalhead in her life. These presents were quite a surprise to say the least, talk about being caught off-guard.
RnR Heaven’s customer base strongly advocated the killing of posers, as this poster indicates. The guy being threatened by that thrash monster is wearing a Ratt T-shirt which in 1980's NJ was a perfectly valid excuse for killing someone (as it still arguably may be now). Ever since Paul Baloff died, you don’t hear much about killing posers anymore and that’s a shame. It was a shared sentiment that really brought a tight-knit scene that much closer together. After all, what could be more metal than murdering someone because their taste in music and clothes is slightly different than yours?
About the flea market The flea market was located in East Brunswick, NJ which is in Middlesex County. Back in the 1980’s the Middlesex County prosecutor was a guy named Rockoff (seriously). Rockoff waged this really bizarre crusade against everything related to the burgeoning metal scene. He was always in the local newspapers going on and on about backwards messages, satanic cults, the whole nine yards. He would prominently feature the poster above in his anti-metal press conferences as evidence that this metal scene led to cult activity, drug use and violence. The guy was like a character from a Twisted Sister video or something. He was, of course, mocked relentlessly via word of mouth and letters-to-the-editor because we didn’t have an Internet we could use to goof on things back in those days.
About Jonny Z I can say with certainty that Johnny Z definitely coined the term, “power metal”. A poster for a Manowar show he was promoting (or maybe it was Exciter) contained the phrase, “The Death Of Heavy Metal…The Birth Of Power Metal”. Of all his many contributions to the genre, that may be one of his most impressive. Unfortunately I have no physical proof of this, you'll just have to trust me.
The end of an era RnR Heaven moved to an actual storefront in Clark, NJ sometime in 1984 I believe. Clark (a blink-&-you'll-miss-it town in north-central NJ) was a considerably longer ride for me but I was still a regular customer nonetheless. The Rt. 18 shop was only open Friday, Saturday and Sunday while the Clark store had normal business hours, which was nice. I bought “Ride The Lightning” there, on that Metallica VH1 special they show a still picture of a long line of headbangers queuing up to buy their copy and I am in fact in that line. The store did pretty well in its new digs for a few years, but by 1986-87 it was all coming to a close. By that time RnR Heaven wasn’t unique anymore, you could find a healthy metal selection at pretty much any record store and all the bands once available solely via import, could be found anywhere. Jonny’s legendary record shop began to lose its relevance and quietly slipped away without much fanfare. His Megaforce label, having lost most of its heavy hitters to the major labels, re-tooled itself and got behind such bands as King’s X, Nudeswirl, Love and Rockets and String Cheese Incident, none of whom had quite the impact of his earlier acts.
He certainly left an interesting legacy which is more than a lot of people can say. His impact on many dozens of long-haired, anti-social potheads who came of age during the early to mid 1980’s in the central NJ area cannot be denied. Who knows, without Johnny Z we may have had to consider Iron Maiden the epitome of totally over-the-top insane heavy metal for several more years. Neil Turbin's voice may never have been recorded on vinyl for posterity. Billy Milano would have remained jobless and Overkill would have remained the title of a Motorhead album and nothing more. It's all too horrible to contemplate. Here’s to Jon Zazula, Rock N Roll Heaven and to all who enjoyed my humble little trip down Nostalgia Lane.
SOD shirt? Check. Polka-dot suspenders? Check. Leave it to east coast Italians to set the fashion trends that the rest of us will follow for decades to come. To this day, you will never catch me at a formal function or presentation at work without rocking this very outfit.
This is a long post, so enjoy it.
As the foremost authority on washed-up metal nobodies, Metal Inquisition takes it's job seriously. It's for this very reason that we had a hard time ignoring the two emails that were sitting in our inbox, asking where "thrash metal grandfather" Jonny Z is these days. Granted, these emails were from Jonny himself, but nevertheless we found the challenge worth pursuing.
Who is Jonny Z? If you don't know who Jonny Z is, don't worry...you're not missing much. I could play the "I'm way old school" card and make fun of you for not knowing...but really, what would that say about me? To make a big deal about my vast metal knowledge would be like bragging about the fact that I know in which episode of Perfect Strangers Balki mixes up the sugar and the salt (episode 18 by the way). While some might be impressed with such amazing knowledge, pretty much everyone would laugh at me and point...as so many people (mostly women) have done throughout my life. Having said that, I'll give you a quick rundown on why Jonny Z is mildly important, within a musical style that was itself only mildly important (more than 15 years ago) to a small group of acne-faced teenagers.
Question: Is that Johnny Z and Billy Milano having a perfectly normal homoerotic moment at an MOD show as they both sing into a phallus....or is it two disgusting fat Italians fighting over an ice cream cone?
Answer: Both
The facts:
Jonny Z had record store in a flea market in New Jersey. He signed Anthrax and Metallica, ran Megaforce records, and then listed himself and the Executive Producer of every horrible thrash metal album throughout the 80's, in order to keep making money off of these bands long after their members had been forced to sell their Toyota Corolla's in order to pay rent at their parent's houses. This, more or less, is all you need to know. I'll stop there, because the idea of looking into the seedy underbelly (and what a fat belly it is) of Johnny Z's musical career simply brings up troubling and painful memories for all of us. What troubling memories you ask? Well, much like a Vietnam vet has trouble sleeping under ceiling fans, I too have issues remembering all that was the 80s thrash scene, and Megaforce Record's output in particular. One part Holocaust, and one part 9-11, the musical output of Megaforce Records and the bands associated with Jonny Z are enough to make even the strongest man dry-heave. There's Overkill, Anthrax's, MOD's Surfin' MOD, not to mention the entire Testament catalog. Yes, "Practice What You Preach", I'm looking at you, and your badly mixed bass. But anyway....why are we looking into the matter of where Jonny Z is today? Well, there's those two emails from him that I mentioned earlier where he begged for some exposure in order to sell the six thousand remaining copies of the first Kings X album that are still sitting in his basement (by the way, remember how Kings X were deemed to be "the new Beatles" by the press, including Rolling Stone?) Aside from the emails urging us to talk about him, there was the unbelievable curiosity we had regarding what kind of house being the "executive producer" on Kill 'Em All, and that one live Trust album will buy you. It was with that question in mind that I released the Metal Inquisition hounds, in order to find Mr Z. By the way, I don't use the phrase "releasing the hounds" as a figure of speech. Most of our investigative reporting is done by an actual group of hounds, five well-trained dachshunds to be exact. These dachshunds have a real nose for sniffing out thrash metal empresarios, the movers and shakers of metal if you will. Sadly, because their training is in searching for "emprasarios", they returned rather quickly to the MI headquarters having found no information. I quickly realized my error. I had told them to look for an "empresario", not a fat annoying guy who is best known for his cameo in MOD's True Colors video. Having realized my error, I gave them a new task: "Go look for information about fat Italian dudes who produced Attack Of The Killer B's, and profit from the work of lesser douchebags." This was a command they understood. Sadly, they found Alex Perialas' house in Ithica NY. By the way, how great is it that if Alex Perialas, a man who accomplished so much during his life, ever Googles himself, he'll see that our blog comes up higher in the results than his own MySpace page. He recently wrote a comment on that post about his house, which leads me to believe that he's an okay guy....even if he did produce Overkill's entire catalog. His comment said:
Alex@pyramidsounstudios.com said... AP says life is good and I still know how to get a guitar tone bitches!! This site is some funny sh*t.
Thank you Alex!
Although commonly known as a trait and skill of "pointer" dogs, the Metal Inquisition dachshunds will stand, almost frozen, once they find the living quarters of any metal pseudo-celebrity. Pictured here is the littlest of the bunch, Helmut, who once stood in this very position for four hours outside an apartment that three guys from Internal Bleeding share in Long Island.
Where is Jonny Z today?
At first, I thought I had found this elusive figure of the metal world rather easily. I assumed, incorrectly, that Jonny had finally gone ahead and tried his hand at crafting his own music, rather than simply profiting from the tiny amount of talent that bands like Anthrax could piece together. I found this CD, and thought I had found my man. I quickly realized that wasn't the right Jonny. Then, I found another Johnny Z in the greater New York City area who claims to be a "maestro of sound and entertainment", which means he will DJ your son's Bar Mitzvah, or your amazingly fun company picnic. Quickly, however, I realized I had found the wrong Johnny Z. While they are both "maestros of sound and entertainment" (what would you call the I'm The Man EP after all), one was fatter than the other. With the MI hounds still out searching, I realized how horrible I really am at investigative work, and how terrible the MI dachshunds are at their job.
Damnit, wrong Johnny Z. Like the one I was looking for, this one is a washed up nobody with horrible facial hair and clothing. The difference? This guy was NOT involved in the recording of absolutely crucial albums like Raven's All For One, Ace Frehley's self titled album or any of the MOD records.
Having found the wrong Johnny Z twice over, I re-re-released the hounds...having had them smell a copy of SOD's album to track the scent. Quickly, the correct Jonny was found by the MI hounds. Redemption at last. Jonny Z, the real one, lives in Bucks County Pennsylvania. He lives right by the New Jersey border, which I fully understand. Much like flies don't often fly far away from feces...Italians don't often move far away from Jersey. My excuses to fellow poster Mr Gene Hoglan's balls who is both Italian and a Jersey resident. I know he wont be offended, however, because he knows these things are true. I mean, if I suddenly explained the concept of gravity to you...would you be offended? No, because you know it's true. You'd probably say "Right, right, I know...keep going with your story already...sheesh." So anyway, he lives in Pennsylvania now...not New York or New Jersey. Why?
At the risk of sounding like a washed up, jaded idiot...I still marvel at how the NYHC symbol was so nicely co-opted by Anthrax and Megaforce Records at large. I hope Roger Miret and the Raybeez estate get royalties from its use.
Having co-opted what little juice and iconography the New York City hardcore scene had back in the day (see picture above), I suspect that Mr Z and his family had to flee the greater New York City area in fear of retaliation from members of DMS, or perhaps because of threats from from New Jersey's own Mucky Pup. Those dudes were straight up Jersey gangsta's. Just look at this terrifying picture that the New Jersey Gang Task force sent me:
Can you really blame Jonny Z for having fled New Jersey due to fear of retaliation from Mucky Pup? These guys are a mix of extras from the Sopranos, with a tiny bit of Juggalo, and two parts douchebag thrown in for good measure. Man, nothing says class like purple MC Hammer pants, a sweet Nike tracksuit and dress shoes.
What about his house? Funny you should ask, because the Metal Inquisition hounds came back from Bucks county quickly, and much like Lassie, their doggie noises were easy to decipher. "What is it girl? Where does he live? Near New Jersey? What? You want to take me to his house? It's by the well? Please take me there!" So I followed the hounds, and they took me here:
This well-apointed master suite is where the brains behind the entire Kings X catalog rests his weary head.
Now look...I'll be honest with you. As much as I want to laugh at the non-cohesive styling cues of the house, as much as I want to laugh about it's "1984 contractor chic" aesthetic values, or its unsuccessful blend of materials and decidedly middle class decor...I have to admit I was surprised that Mr Z could live in a house that is not falling apart. It's size alone was not what I expected. At 1.9 million dollars, in what is basically a semi-rural area of the east coast, I guess being the executive producer in Kill Em All as well as Fistful of Metal really does pay the bills. Seeing this house (all 5 bedrooms, 6 baths and 7,669 square feet of it) suddenly made me feel bad for Joey Belladonna. Why? Because earlier this year, we reported that Joey was living in upstate new york in a house that is merely valued at 300k. How can this be? Jonny Z has a nicer house than the guy who played drums in the musical epic known as I'm The Man? Life, it turns out, is not fair at all. I mean, was Jonny the one waring the indian head dress on stage for all those years? No. Was Jonny there to coach Scott Ian through his hairloss tantrums of '87? No. It was Joey who was there...and now Jonny Z has a nicer and bigger house? Joey is so broke these days, he can't even afford a full mic stand. As a result of all this information, I have finally been able to answer one of humanity's most pressing questions: Does god exist. The answer: Yes, there is a god. Sadly, like most of us, he hates Joey Belladonna.
When you look at Belladonna's entire body of work, you suddenly start to realize that "I'm The Man" as well as the outfit he wore on this picture are actually among the high points in his career. Speaking of "I"m The Man", was it really necessary to give fans like eight versions of the damn song in one EP? It's a bit like bragging about the fact that you can take a shit in eight different positions. We get the point, we're just not impressed.
Back to Jonny Z's house. As much as I was ready to laugh at his tiny, shitty house...I have to say that the house's hefty pricetag (1.9 million) left me silent. Suddenly, the Metal Inquisition offices were almost completely quiet, and all that could be heard was Seargent D practicing the main riff from Forced Entry's "Macrocosm, Microcosm" on his guitar. Putting the Forced Entry song aside, I suddenly felt guilty about having wanted Jonny Z to be living in a small house that looked like a pile of rubble, much like members from Manowar do. I remembered the last time I had a similar feeling of guilt, which was when Peter Steele of Type O Negative (and, more importantly, Carnivore) did a spread for Playgirl. I remember wanting to laugh at Mr Steele's man-junk, but when faced with photographic evidence of what he was working with...I suddenly felt shame, sadness and desperation. Wait a second...wait. Did I just willingly tell the whole world that I saw Peter Steele's Playgirl layout? Damn this truth serum, damn it all to hell!
See, I can explain...although I KNOW that my explanation sounds as made up as they come. Hear me out. When that magazine came out, I was living in Miami. My friend had introduced me to a gay friend of her's, who was an ex-punk rocker turned drag queen. A stretch, I know. This guy had the magazine, and showed it to me. I know you will all say I made this up...but it's totally true.
Okay, where was I? Oh yes, his house. So there you have it...it's big. Bigger than Joey's, and not too horrible looking considering the awful taste that Italians usually have, and the low quality of construction available in the United States.
What else is Jonny Z up to?
Like any other 57 year old man-child, Jonny has a Myspace page and a blog. It's in his blog that we can learn the most about this unlovable man...the man who first had Raven tour in the United Sates. Did you just read what I typed? This is the guy we can thank for bringing Raven to the US? Wow, next up I'll do an article about the Immigration officials who signed the visas for the 9-11 hijackers. But back to his blog. In said blog, we learn about Jonny's obsessive collecting of Nightmare Before Christmas action figures. Just read the quote below, which surely explains his passion for this movie:
“It made me think…What is this Jack really all about…is he really as deep and complex as these faces portray him….we figured there must be something more to this film…” - Jonny Z
If that statement doesn't grab you and tugs away at your heartstrings (mine are tuned to a drop C, for heavier riffing) I don't know what will. I don't know exactly what that quote means, so I'll leave it up to you to figure it out (much like a community college proffesor would when introuducing his students to Nietzsche). I do understand one portion of this quote, however, and that's the question he poses, that of there being "more to this film." As it turns out, MI staff contacted Tim Burton to see if there WAS in fact more to this film. We called his office, and identified ourselves as the guys who "wrote that funny post about the houses that the guys from Manowar live in". They hung up. So that settles that one. Oh, I forgot to mention that Jonny Z also owns an action figure store in New Hope PA, and lists the following people as his heroes:
- Malcolm X - Ahmet Ertegun (founder of Atlantic Records) - His wife
I'll let you all ponder that list, but rest assured that some PhD theseis work will be done on it very soon.
What do the demi-stars of thrash metal say about Jonny Z? What does the media say about Jonny Z?
I know that all of you consider us to be the absolute authorities on horrible music that no one cares about, and we thank you for that. Still, in order to keep our status as a peer-reviewed scholastic journal, we have allowed almost-well known bands comment on the man himself. Please watch the videos below.
First, let's all watch a news story about Jonny Z's Rock N' Roll heaven record store from back in the day.
In this video, Anthrax talk about the famed store that Jonny Z had in a New Jersey flea market, a store that has been discussed in every single interview that Anthrax, SOD, Raven, Venom, Testament and Overkill ever did. Megaforce Records insisted that all bands signed to the label mention the store, and Jonny's importance to the scene in all interviews. In some videos, you can actually see Jonny standing off camera pointing a gun to their bands, thus insuring that all mentions of him were included. Jonny Z is first mentioned in this video at 1:10. Please don't get distracted by the amazing poodle haircuts or hairy eyebrows.
Incredibly annoying video of Overkill, where they discuss Megaforce records and Jonny Z...as they were contractually obligated to do. Like most bands from Jersey and Long Island, Overkill claimed to be from New York City, as you can see in this video. Please note the fashion statements made in the video, which are incredibly tasteful. Notice how the one guitar player who always tried his hardest to look exactly like James Heatfiled (even using the same guitar as James and rocking the same long sweatbans on his forearms) takes a break from swinging from Metallica's balls and quickly pays homage to Max Cavalera by wearing some sensible urban camo. Johnny Z/Megaforce Records mention occurs :30 seconds in.
So what have we learned today? Absolutely nothing...except that making Lars Ulrich share some of his wealth as a result of you having been the executive producer on one of his albums almost 30 years ago will buy you an almost-nice house in Eastern Pennsylvania. Class dismissed.
A still from the first Metal Inquisition video podcast, soon to be released. In the premiere episode of what promises to be a long-running series, I will discuss how difficult it is to open albums due to that cellophane that they wrap them with. That's the kind of hilarious and insightful commentary you can expect from our podcast series.
Most of my posts for this blog come to me quickly, and always fully formed... and ready to be shared with the world. This, I believe, is a clear sign of my comedic genius as well as my above average intelligence. From time to time, however, lesser thoughts come to mind, and I generally disregard them. Today, however, I present all you (our beloved readers) with some of the very thoughts that fill my brain nearly every hour of the day. These are leftovers, but good ones. Much like you can make sloppy joe's out of old hamburgers, I have made a post out of discarded thoughts. In a sense, I am welcoming you to my inner thoughts, and what goes on inside my mind. It ain't much, but it's all I've got. Welcome to my hell. Welcome to the hell.
I should note that this format (small bits rather than lengthy posts about one subject) have inspired the Metal Inquisition video podcasts, which will be released soon via iTunes, and will be compiled as a DVD series to be released internationally by Steamhammer records. The videos will feature me at my desk (see picture above) sharing my observational remarks about the world of metal and the culture that surrounds it. Stay tuned as we continue to update you on the podcasts, but in the meantime enjoy this post/piece.
Google loves us. How do I know? If you search for any of the following things on Google:
Blue Grape Merchandise
Metal Inquisition
Wigger slam
Tommy Victor disease
Robb Flynn's disease
The first result listed is none other than Metal Inquisition. This may seem like a small feat to many of you, but here at MI we take our success seriously. As such, commemorative plates will be given out this August during our annual company picnic. Note that "metal inquisition" is one of the terms that we have the top listing for. While this may seem obvious, I can just hear the blood pressure of members from the band Piledriver skyrocketting as I type this. Why? Can you imagine naming a song and album "Metal Inquisition", then having it become more popular by a bunch of dudes who don't even really like your music?
Oh, I should mention, that I'm a bit disappointed that we are not the top result when you search for:
David Vincent muffin top
We are the second listing, but that's just not good enough. The struggle continues.
The turning signal in my car makes a clicking sound that is exactly the same tempo as Prong's "Lost And Found". When you play drums, like I do, you encounter this sort of thing all the time. My last car's turning signal was exactly half the tempo of Laaz Rockit's "Fire In The Hole"
Have I ever mentioned how disappointed I am by the lack of free stuff I get as a result of writing on this blog? I know you will all hate me for saying this, as I'm supposed to write on the blog just because I love it..and I do...but damn it, free stuff would really sweaten the deal. I have not gotten one single thing for free as a result of my bringing happiness to people around the world. In comparison, most other blogs I read (about very different topics) have fewer readers and yet they get free stuff all the time. Lots of it, and they simply review it or whatever, and that's all . I hereby ask our readers to put uncle Lucho on their wills. Leave me your vinyl collection (so I can sell it on eBay), or simply send me your well-cared for long sleeve metal shirts (all size small thank you). Look, if you have free tickets to major sporting events or major label concerts give them to me. Kelly Clarkson? Sure, I'll go see her. Like a good latino, I'll never turn down anything that is free. Send me buckets of house paint, carpet scraps, cycling stuff, HVAC repair manuals, and/or harmonica instructional videos....anything. I swear, I wont tell anyone...so there would be no risk of us selling out. See how that works? If no one knows, it didn't happen. So if you get me tickets to some horrible show, or the Superbowl...no one has to know. Shhhhh.
I'm kinda' kidding. Wait, no I'm not. See, the problem is that the only thing people would probably send us would be horrible metal CDs to review...which are useless, and would simply pile up around my house. I see now that the problem is that we write about metal, something I like but don't necesseraly want more of. Why did we have to start a blog about metal, which is something that you can't get any cool free stuff for? How stupid were we? We should have started a blog called "Ferrari's, stacks of money and supermodels". I mean, metal is cool and all...but the best some horrible label could do is send us horrible CDs from their horrible bands, which all suck. Why can't someone send me the original master tapes to the Terrorizer album, or the headphones that Scott Burns wore on the back of the Terrorizer album.
* I should note that after this entry was originally written one of our great supporters/readers has been kind enough to send us some free t-shirts and sweet merch. Many thanks to this kind soul for hooking it up.
Does anyone remember the records that were widely available in the early 90s that featured interviews with metal bands, instead of music? I used to get so damn excited to see that some rare Slayer EP had made its way to my local record store...only to realize when I was about to buy it that it was just a stupid interview with Tom Araya from a radio show in France. What an odd relic from another time these records are. I now wish I had some of them. Here's an Anthrax one.
While watching Iron Maiden's "Flight 666" documentary on TV, I realized that Nicko McBrain's nose is actually even more fucked up than I originally thought. I mean, he has no nose at all. Does anyone have any information regarding what on earth happen to his face? Did Clive Burr chew it off in as an act of vengance? Was Nicko the model that Derrick Riggs used when first painting Eddie? The only information I found out was not helpful at all, and came from an interview that Metal Sludge did with Nicko. Here it is:
You have an extremely flat face and nose. Kind of like one of those Pug dogs.Has anyone ever mentioned this to you and does it bother you?
No, it doesn't bother me mate. But you too can have a Roman nose,
It'll be Roman all over your face.(TEE HEE).
So that reply from Nicko doesn't exactly give us any answers...although it does answer the age-old question: Is Nicko McBrain funny? The answer, as you can see, is "no".
As I've reported before, Nicko is a born again christian. With a face like his, I really don't understand his spiritual beliefs. I mean, much in the same way that many Jewish people who went through the Holocaust ceased to believe in God...if I had Nicko's face...I really wouldn't believe in a higher power. Talk about blind faith.
- Does EVERYONE'S copy of State of Euphoria feature a supposedly "limited edition" hologram sticker?
- I once showed my dad the artwork on the back of the album, which was done by that one guy from MAD Magazine, in an attempt to show him that the band was legitimate and not satan worshipers. My dad really liked MAD magazine, but failed to see Megaforce records shelling out some dough to have that illustration made as a sign of the band's legitimacy.
- As a kid, the cover of this record drove me insane, partially because it had no obvious direction. It had a logo on every side, so it had no obvious right side up. I guess that was part of the idea...but to this day it gets me angry. Similarly, Slayer's Haunting The Chapel cover angers me to no end due to it's disregard for information hierarchy. How can you have the EP's name over the band name? Come on now. What's next cats mating with dogs? Is the whole world going crazy?
One of the many unrealized dreams I have in life is the fact that I have never gone ahead and done the very thing I insisted I would do since I was about ten years old. No, I'm not talking about going skydiving, climbing Mt Everest, or spending a week in Cancun (actually, I've done that last one). I'm talking about starting a Kiss tribute band that would ONLY play songs from their best two albums, Music From The Elder and Unmasked.
My brother and I once got tickets to see a taping of the David Letterman show. Luckily, we ended up sitting on the balcony, right above the band's drummer Anton Fig. In case you don't know, Anton Fig is a studio drummer who played on a few Kiss albums as a result of Peter Criss being too drunk and/or sucking too much to play on those albums. Fig played on my favorite Kiss song, Torpedo Girl. As such, during the entire taping of the show, I would lean over the balcony and yell down at him "Play Torpedo Girl!". After the twentieth time of me yelling this out, he looked up at me...and gave me the look. What is "the look" you ask? The way you look at the town idiot before you stone him to death and defecate on his face. I was very quiet for the rest of the taping, including the interview with Uma Thurman.
Have you ever wondered what Joey DeMaio's weightlifting routine is? Have you ever wondered just how homoerotic things can get for Manowar while they're on the road? Well, you're in luck...because this video will show you everything you need to know. Please note that they count in german, and that Eric Adams likes to wear denim shirts to go to the beach. This video remeinds me of the time that I saw The Misfits on that first reunion tour. There was a large crowd behind the venue, I thought it was a fight. It wasn't, the band was lifting weights. Oy.
We are proud to present an interview with the notorious Billy Milano, singer for the legendary MOD! That said, it's a shitty interview. I guess I shouldn't be even a a little bit surprised, but his answers were uninspired, terse, and boring. I'm still kind of let down in spite of having low expectations, he really phoned this one in. I did my best to spice it up with some of my own comments, but you can only polish a turd so much. The harder you try, the more you get shit all over yourself, and it's still a turd.
Immediately after this picture was taken, Billy the Hut put this poor AIDS victim out of his misery by eating him
What are the lyrics to the Crab Society North Song "You Nigger"? Your link didn’t work so I don’t know if it’s really a song. I don’t think it is but it it were a song it was probably very short and had a dark tone to it. Yuck-Yuck. [We just pasted the link into an email; apparently he only knows how to click URLs, not copy and paste it into the address bar. I know he's on the wrong side of 40 so technology isn't really his friend, but this was the first sign of trouble. Also, he has an AOL email address- do you think he spends a lot of time seeing what's in keyword megaforce?]
With looks like this, one can only imagine the high-caliber pussy that he is surely drowning in
In your Hard N' Heavy interview, you talk about "life on the road", and banging the caliber of girl that would have also banged Poison back then. Did you feel it was necessary to lie and make up these stories because a camera was on you? You know my initials are the same as Brett Michael's. I find it ironic that you mention Poison besides I have no respect for anyone who fucks me and wants to brag about it. [His initials are BM. I am not sure if our readers abroad know this, but in the US that means "bowel movement," or "shit."]
Here is a curious collage of Billy Milano images that I found in an equally curious article about him on a bear blog (I'm not talking about the kind of bears they have at the zoo)
You were in SOD and then MOD. Do you ever talk to Dave Mustaine about how he should have named Megadeth "Netallica" instead? What do you think of "Slayer 2"? Never cared to ask Dave about that shit, Slayer 2? I actually think there was a band called slayer from Texas or somewhere and Slayer in LA was a band at that time. That is something you need to check on. [I seriously think he missed the point of this question. I know he is not going to be in MENSA anytime soon but honestly... it's kind of sad to see a human being who is this dense!]
In the MOD video for "true colors" you wear many hilarious outfits, in order to mock the look of other styles of music (glam etc), yet we couldn't help but notice that in the portions where you are dressed as yourself, you are still wearing spandex cycling shorts. Can you tell us more about the decision to wear those? Ha ha - BUSTED!!! No, seriously I always wore them for comfort and nothing more. I will say this I bike 20 miles a day in Austin Texas and don’t wear them so I find this also Ironic.
In this horribly dull video, Billy tries his hand at improvised, observational humor... and fails miserably. Don't come crying to me when you realize you pissed away several seconds of your life that you'll never get back on this before frantically mashing the "stop" button.
An argument has been made by some that the cost of medical care for illegal immigrants is not as costly to the US economy as caring for the medical needs of the overweight Americans. Do you care to comment? Yes this is true, I have read that argument and it has valid points but let me embellish. No illegal immigrant should be given FREE health care or GOVERNMENT sponsored health care when American citizens who do NOT have health care can and are denied. [I think he also missed the point of this question. Hint: we were calling you fat, Billy the Hut]
A girl is sitting next to me as I write this. When she saw this image over my shoulder she said, "Who is this guy? Why is this image online?! What is he doing??" All I could say was, "Uh... he's the singer in this crappy band called MOD, I have no idea what is happening in this picture but it's funny."
Aside from SOD, what other musical influences do you have? And you can't answer "Anthrax" or "Scott Ian" to this question. Hardcore Punk. [I can only assume he is talking about Fat Nuts, 25 Ta Life, and Fury of V]
You made a song entitled "Wigga" in which you mock suburban white kids who dress like poor black people. Can you tell us more about this phenomenon? What do you make of wigger slam metal? This question is about as relevant as the interviews some journalist gave me for the Decibel interview. NEXT! [Translation: I can't think of anything entertaining to say]
"Wait where am I again?"
When most people see Danny Lilker, they think he looks like he has Down's syndrome due to his retarded face and tiny baby teeth. What was your reaction when you first laid eyes on him? He looked like a stoned mop. [Now THIS is funny!! Come on Billy the Hut, you can do better than 1 for 13!]
For the past 20 years you have relied heavily on Jewish musicians to make a semi-decent living, yet you are an anti-Semite. How do you reconcile these two facts? I converted to being a Jew in the 80’s. I like bagels and have an accountant name Murray, Oi vey such a thing. My Jewish friends only know me by my Jewish identity. “ Sol mehaya Lowenhidlebaum” His name is my name too. Or wait that’s “John Jacob Jinggleheimer Schmit”.
This is 1 million times worse than BrokeNCYDE and Crazy Town put together and wrapped in swastikas
When you were making the video for "Wigga," and you realized that you had become the thrash metal version of Weird Al or The Offspring, what went through your head? Thank you, what I was thinking was Most metal bands sing this evil shit and their the biggest pussies walking. I am far from a pussy and just wanted my song and record to be fun. Music used to be fun. Everyone is so fucking serious they need to get laid or at least take a shower they will feel better. [This is certainly true. Maybe he would like screamo crunk??]
Please read our review of "USA For MOD" and share your thoughts on it. In particular, can you comment on this part?
"Man of Your Dreams" – 3:40I had to look this one up, because even though it's one of the longest songs on the album, I didn't remember it at all. Then I remembered it was a song about Freddy Krueger. How original!! I imagine Scott Ian feeling like the older brother does when the younger brother copies everything he does
First off your links don’t work. That would be kinda of what Dimebag was feeling about Scott, Right? Baaazing!!!
Like if you get a skateboard, and your little bro makes his own out of an ironing board and rollerskate wheels and follows you around all over the place. Not only does he get it all wrong, it's embarrassing for everybody involved, but you don't tell him to stop because you know how bad it would hurt his feelings. But you know Scott must have been like, "Dude... you gotta find your own voice... we already did the Freddy thing. At least write about Jason."
I was SOD. I am an original- they (ANTHRAX) Stole SOD’s voice. [wat]
When we were writing these questions, we took bets on whether you would have a good sense of humor about it or be a butthurt pussy. I bet $5 that you would try to come up with witty answers to the questions in an attempt to show us up, maybe even putting in a few playful jabs of your own every now and then to avoid looking like a complete pushover. Who is right? How can I possibly know whose right? I don’t know what the other person you made the bet with said. [I'll admit, this was a tough question that didn't give him a lot of room to move, but even then, what a shitty answer]
That's all we have. Would you like to add anything? Thanks!! Oh, and what is "Bushwackatees" about? Your mom’s hairy cunt! Peace Nigga. [I feel vicariously embarrassed for Billy the Hut when he tries to be shocking like this because it's not even slightly offensive, it's just tiresome and dull]
On September 4th, 476 A.D., the Roman Empire officially began to fall. On that day the last Western Roman Emperor was deposed, which kicked off the Dark Ages. Though this may all seem like useless history to most of us (although I'm sure Joey DeMaio would find it fascinating as a result of all the tight shorts, and oiled male bodies involved), there is a reason why I'm bringing it up. As the title of this post suggests, all empires rise, peak and eventually fall. This is true of musical empires and monopolies.
Although some of our readers may disagree, the United States and Europe have long been the driving force of metal since its beginnings. Having been born in South America, I'm well aware of the worthwhile developments in metal that have gone on outside Europe and the USA, but to be honest, most of these advances were themselves inspired by American or Euro metal. Tankard, Savatage, Doro Pesch, Nocturnus...these are all Euro/American products. As such, the dominance of the west can't be denied.
What am I driving at here? The potential fall of the Euro/American metal empire. Surely many have seen this coming. Some metal historians, in fact, now argue that this fall began long ago. Through carbon dating-like techniques, scientists can get fairly accurate readings as to when metal began to decline, but there is still some controversy about this subject. Some say it began when Scott Ian shaved his head, some say it's when Anthrax stopped wearing shorts. Others say it all ended along with Cliff Burton. Whichever way you choose to see it, we are currently living through the official decline of the western world's stronghold on metal.
While archeologists use carbon-14 dating to figure out how old an artifact is, metal historians and archeologists use the less popular, but similarly accurate Ian-Scale to date metal output. One must merely see how far along Scott Ian was into turning into a complete douche in order to date a piece of metal history. Was he partially balding when said event happened? Had he shaved his head yet? Did he have facial hair? If the event or metal album in question came after Scott shaved his head, it was officially produced after the decline of western metal. This gets into another topic, which I will post about very soon...when metal jumped the shark. But let's not get into that now.
You see, American innovation (like the economy) is down. American bands have turned into tribute acts, merely rehashing thrash of the 80's as irony, unlike South American and (some) Asian bands who do the same thing without knowing its hilarious. What Africa and the Middle East have in store for us we have yet to see. The metal population in these places (developing economies) are more arduous about their love for metal, and mostly lack irony. Irony, by the way, is the end of metal. If you become self-aware, you can't be metal. Why? Because you'd all of a sudden look down at your sweat pant-like jeans and go "What the fuck? Why am I wearing patches on my sweatpants...come to think of it, why am I wearing these awful, sweatpant-like jeans at all? Jesus!"
No irony here, just pure metal. I wonder where they can still find white high-top sneakers.
Look, the fact is that Euro/American metal is collectively asleep at the wheel, while other regions in the world continue to innovate. This is happening in the world of cars also. Who would have thought that Tata Motors (from India) would own Jaguar one day, and be slowly moving to being one of the largest auto manufacturers? You see, these people are hungry for innovation, and they will fight through economic hardship in a way that Euro/Americans no longer want to. So let's get down to business. Who should we fear as possibly stealing the metal crown? Is it South America, with the lively thrash scene? Perhaps Central America with its emrging black metal scene (I'm making this up.) How about metal upstarts in the Philippines. Oh yes. The best of both worlds. Latino-sounding last names and skin color, asian faces, a link to Death Angel..they have it all. Need proof? Please watch the video below, and note the gusto, and pride that these youngsters take in jammin' out to a horrible Metallica song (The Unforgiven.) I know that there are far more metal songs in the world than anything by Metallica ever did, but give it a chance. Unphazed by their lack of talent, or economic means, these guys plow ahead in an environment that most American bands would consider deadly. Watching this video reminded me of my upbringing in South America...bad plastic chairs, stray dogs, bad flip flops, it's all there. But that stuff is unimportant. Look at the commitment that these guys have, and compare it to the spoiled American fatsos who plays riffs on their seven-string guitars on YouTube. This, my friends, is sign of the metal empire shifting. It's time. Get ready. Metal's new kings will NOT wear leather chaps and furry armor (like Manowar), they will wear flip flops, shorts and stained t-shirts.
Manowar represents the old way of doing things. There's a new metal-Sheriff in town...and that Sheriff is wearing flip flops.
Before watching (at the bottom), please note the following:
While many American and European metalers would hide their love for metal in a family reunion, these guys are proud enough to play in their uncles 42nd birthday party. Think about that, most American kids aren't even allowed to wear metal shirts to family events...but these guys are proudly letting their metal flag fly.
While many Euro bands would simply cancel their performance at their uncle's birthday party if it were to rain, these guys went ahead and built themselves a makeshift tent just in case. Did they use proper materials to build said tent? Hell no! This is metal!
American metal fans would never be caught dead wearing shorts and flip flops during a performance, taking a cue from the likes of Anthrax, these guys take a relaxed approach to metal. They don't worry about theatrics, but choose instead to focus on the basics. Rock out.
While hip-hop artists in the U.S. often throw wads up cash up in the air "making it rain" to show their blah-like attitude regarding money (glam and hair metal had a similar approach to money in the 80s), the individuals in this video take a decidedly conservative approach in comparison. Here we see one guy flashing half of a dollar bill with intense pride. While some may mock this, it is precisely this type of thrifty attitude that will make their metal scene thrive. While American counterparts are throwing money away on McDonalds fries, EMG active pick-ups, china cymbals, gongs, corpsepaint, ironic vests and bandanas....these guys are saving up their half-dollars to buy low-end BC Rich Warlocks by the dozen. Now who's laughing?
Taking your bass to the local airbrush shop to get a custom paint job is NOT metal. Making a stencil of James and Lars' faces yourself IS metal. What will he do with the money he saved? I don't know, but whatever he does will be way more metal than anything any so called "metal head" would do in Europe or the U.S. Oh by the way, note that his bass matches his sweet shorts.
