Showing posts with label furry armor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label furry armor. Show all posts

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Rock n' Roll Heaven: A New Jersey institution (Guest post)

"Storytime With Metal Inquisition", a nationwide project throughout public libraries, which teaches kids about metal and metal history. A special thanks to Megaforce Records for its contributions to this important program.




If there's one thing that all of us at Metal Inquisition seem to do a fair amount of, it would have to be living in the past. In my case, I mostly seem to dwell on the most amazing moments in metal history...and I thus celebrate landmark moments like Forbidden's "Twisted To Form" album, as well as that one time that Mille from Kreator hosted Headbanger's Ball. Mr. Sergeant D, being a younger-in-spirit type of guy, chooses instead to celebrate the past by practicing Forced Entry riffs on his reverse headstock Jackson dinky. My brother, Skullkrusher, opts for quiet and relaxing evenings at home, sipping on a fine beverage while blasting the Wermacht LP. Mr Gene Hoglan's Balls, a quality human being if there ever was one, chooses to drive around Newark airport while listening to the Grindcrusher compilation in cassette format. However we choose to celebrate our metal past, one thing is for sure, it's a part of who we are today. It's for that reason that just a couple of weeks ago, I posted an homage (of sorts) to thrash metal empresario and label owner Jonny Z. Much like spraying insecticide under a washing machine tends to upset the roaches living under it, that post seemed to stir the sleeping Jersey residents who had memories of Jonny and his great record store. One such Jersey resident (who I have just unwillingly compared to a cockroach...but really...no Jersey resident would take that as an insult) who commented on that post was "Anon". This person, one filled with metal memories of the scene from back in the day (and the memorabilia to back it up) has granted us rare access into his metal archives. Why is access to his archives "rare"? Because I'm guessing that these things are kept in his mom's attic...and although he still lives at home, his mom gets super angry when he goes up there and makes a mess of her quilting supplies and christmas ornaments. With that in mind, you should understand how rare and impressive his insights and mementos are. Afterall, I think we could all use more upbeat and informative posts these days. Why do we all need upbeat posts? Because of the economy? Because of the high unemployment rate? Well, sort of. You see, Metal Church, the other amazing Seattle band (Forced Entry being the first) have called it quits! As a result, five more unskilled douchebags are now entering the ranks of the unemployed in the greater Seattle area. Because of that bit of sad news, all of us at the MI corporate offices are wearing black today...as we mourn the death of a band whose catalog we were barely aware of...and whose name was nearly as putrid as Exciter. It's for that reason that we should treasure this guest post. Enjoy it, and think of it as "metal storytime" with uncle Anon. Unlike when you had storytime with your uncle Earl, however, Anon won't touch you in a funny place, or try to play "hide the pickle" with you. Enjoy.




__________________________________________________________________

In the interest of fairness I must preface this by going on record as saying that Jonny and everyone else associated with RnR Heaven were always stand-up people in their dealings with me. Jonny was a pretty cool guy and always respectful towards his oftentimes annoying customers. Whether it was foresight or just plain luck, he certainly took the ball and ran with it. When I first started going to his little shop, he was just a weird guy selling totally obscure imported metal records by bands no one had ever heard of. He may not have created it single-handedly, but he was most definitely a major contributor to the overall metal scene, no question. Any jibes I direct towards Johnny Z or his store are all strictly good-natured and in the spirit of fun. That said, on to my pics.






The original RnR Heaven T-shirt. Yes, it’s all stretched out and crookedy but bear in mind that it is a 27 year old shirt, it’s only a few molecules away from disintegrating completely at this point. It’s been un-wearable for decades; I only still have it for purposes of mindless nostalgia like this. If you wore it to the store you got a 10% discount on everything you bought. I think that’s supposed to be Icarus (as in Maiden’s “Flight Of…”). What Icarus has to do with rock and roll, I don’t know. I also don’t know why the Rt. 18 flea market referred to itself as being “international”, the only difference between it and any other NJ flea market was that the quality of their merchandise was much lower.






The reverse of the shirt, featuring a somewhat morbid and rather odd list of dead rock stars (and Murry the K for some reason, who was an old-time radio DJ). When it was first conceived, RnR Heaven was a “rock and roll” imports-only shop, it just so happened that at the time all of the in-demand import records were metal records from England and Europe. A niche market was born and Jonny Z was all too happy to fill that niche. Which explains why a shop noted for being heavily associated with all things metal had an official T-shirt featuring names having little or nothing to do with “metal” at all.




This picture just screams, “future Rock and Roll Hall Of Famers”, doesn’t it? Homo-erotic catch phrases and demo titles aside, this is the tape that made Ron McGovney the answer to the trivia question he is today. You can’t see it well in this awful picture but the tape itself is very helpfully labeled “Metallica demo”, quite possibly in Johnny’s very own handwriting. I was his only customer on one especially slow Sunday afternoon in early 1983 and Jonny convinced me to drop $5 on this demo by a hot new band he was planning on seriously getting behind in a big way. I succumbed to his pitch and although I had no idea at the time, it was the start of a love-hate-more hate-even more-hate relationship that persists to this very day. Who’d have thunk it?



Note how James and Lars went out of the way to state how Cliff didn’t play bass on the demo while simultaneously ignoring the guy who did. Certain behaviors are obviously deeply rooted. I dug the demo, I liked Hetfield’s goofy high-pitched vocals and I thought the lyrics to “Jump In The Fire” and “The Mechanics” were better than the “Kill 'Em ALl” versions. It really sounded like shit though, unless you turned the bass on your stereo all the way down it was basically unlistenable, much like everything they’ve recorded since 1988 (except with those recordings it’s best to turn the VOLUME all the way down).




“Welcome To Hell” picture disc. In late 1982 into 83 Venom had developed a pretty decent following around the N.J. area. The music was laughably simplistic and the lyrics and imagery were ridiculously campy and silly, but at the time they were as “extreme” as metal got. Venom had a video for “Witching Hour” which Jonny had playing at his store on a continuous loop and it absolutely scared the shit out of random shoppers passing by. The various longhaired freaks that congregated at "the Heaven" really stood out among the old ladies shopping for cheap tube socks. When bands like Venom, Anthrax, Metallica and etc. did in-store appearances it was absolutely surreal. Guys like Cronos and Dave Mustaine got plenty of double takes while strolling around the decidedly lower-middle class flea market environment, especially when they were decked out in white furry Viking boots, fringy white leather jackets, bullet belts and hand grenades.



In '82 Jonny had promoted a few live shows. Anvil and Manowar both performed at the flea market itself (seriously) and he also promoted a Halloween show featuring Riot, Raven and Anvil. In 83 he brought Venom over from England for their first stateside appearance. “The Blitz Is On” refers to a planned series of shows that never really materialized as he envisioned, but he managed to put together some memorable concerts that year nonetheless. Unfortunately I did not attend the Venom show, a fact that still irks me to this day. My first concert ended up being the Raven/Metallica “Kill Em All For One” show that took place later in 1983. I still haven’t managed to see Venom yet and based upon projections of their current career path it’s unlikely I ever will. At this point I doubt I'm missing much anyway.





Check this out, a 45RPM Venom single (featuring “In Nomine Satanas” as the B-side). Note the Venom logo on the record label, it’s actually hand drawn with a black marker, quite possibly by a member of Venom themselves. “Bloodlust” was followed by the legendary “Black Metal” LP a few months later. I once owned a personally autographed copy of “Black Metal”; however that treasure was somehow lost to the ages. Believe it or not, I received “Black Metal” (had it signed later) as a Christmas gift from my mother, who ventured into RnR Heaven in search of a gift certificate which, of course, RnR Heaven did not offer back during those nascent days (come to think of it I'm not sure if they ever did). It is truly a testament (no pun intended) to the man’s salesmanship abilities that Johnny was able to convince my half-cool/half-clueless mom that “Black Metal” and Witchfinder General’s “Death Penalty” were the perfect Xmas gifts for the young metalhead in her life. These presents were quite a surprise to say the least, talk about being caught off-guard.






RnR Heaven’s customer base strongly advocated the killing of posers, as this poster indicates. The guy being threatened by that thrash monster is wearing a Ratt T-shirt which in 1980's NJ was a perfectly valid excuse for killing someone (as it still arguably may be now). Ever since Paul Baloff died, you don’t hear much about killing posers anymore and that’s a shame. It was a shared sentiment that really brought a tight-knit scene that much closer together. After all, what could be more metal than murdering someone because their taste in music and clothes is slightly different than yours?



About the flea market
The flea market was located in East Brunswick, NJ which is in Middlesex County. Back in the 1980’s the Middlesex County prosecutor was a guy named Rockoff (seriously). Rockoff waged this really bizarre crusade against everything related to the burgeoning metal scene. He was always in the local newspapers going on and on about backwards messages, satanic cults, the whole nine yards. He would prominently feature the poster above in his anti-metal press conferences as evidence that this metal scene led to cult activity, drug use and violence. The guy was like a character from a Twisted Sister video or something. He was, of course, mocked relentlessly via word of mouth and letters-to-the-editor because we didn’t have an Internet we could use to goof on things back in those days.


About Jonny Z
I can say with certainty that Johnny Z definitely coined the term, “power metal”. A poster for a Manowar show he was promoting (or maybe it was Exciter) contained the phrase, “The Death Of Heavy Metal…The Birth Of Power Metal”. Of all his many contributions to the genre, that may be one of his most impressive. Unfortunately I have no physical proof of this, you'll just have to trust me.


The end of an era
RnR Heaven moved to an actual storefront in Clark, NJ sometime in 1984 I believe. Clark (a blink-&-you'll-miss-it town in north-central NJ) was a considerably longer ride for me but I was still a regular customer nonetheless. The Rt. 18 shop was only open Friday, Saturday and Sunday while the Clark store had normal business hours, which was nice. I bought “Ride The Lightning” there, on that Metallica VH1 special they show a still picture of a long line of headbangers queuing up to buy their copy and I am in fact in that line. The store did pretty well in its new digs for a few years, but by 1986-87 it was all coming to a close. By that time RnR Heaven wasn’t unique anymore, you could find a healthy metal selection at pretty much any record store and all the bands once available solely via import, could be found anywhere. Jonny’s legendary record shop began to lose its relevance and quietly slipped away without much fanfare. His Megaforce label, having lost most of its heavy hitters to the major labels, re-tooled itself and got behind such bands as King’s X, Nudeswirl, Love and Rockets and String Cheese Incident, none of whom had quite the impact of his earlier acts.


He certainly left an interesting legacy which is more than a lot of people can say. His impact on many dozens of long-haired, anti-social potheads who came of age during the early to mid 1980’s in the central NJ area cannot be denied. Who knows, without Johnny Z we may have had to consider Iron Maiden the epitome of totally over-the-top insane heavy metal for several more years. Neil Turbin's voice may never have been recorded on vinyl for posterity. Billy Milano would have remained jobless and Overkill would have remained the title of a Motorhead album and nothing more. It's all too horrible to contemplate. Here’s to Jon Zazula, Rock N Roll Heaven and to all who enjoyed my humble little trip down Nostalgia Lane.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Metal Inquisition Investigative Report: Metal Real Estate (Part 4)


As I've stated before, one unfortunate aspect of metal is the lack of information about the earnings of metal musicians. In sports, for example, this type of information is often public. Why not in metal? I have long asked for complete transparency in the realm of metal...but my calls to Steamhammer records have gone unanswered, so too have my faxes to Wild Rags. It's for this reason that we here at Metal Inquisition have decided to roll up our sleeves and once again check into these matters the only way we know how. Real estate.

It just so happened that as we were starting this investigation, a fantastic email from a reader who lives in the same town as Manowar came into our mailbox. The email featured all kinds of fantastic insight as to what it's like to be at ground zero of the Manowar epidemic. Notice that I use the term "ground zero", which is often used in the context of 9-11...because in a way, Manowar itself is a good bit like a musical 9-11.


Manowar...pioneers in homoerotic attire since 1980.


As with all information we publish, we had to be thorough in checking out just how factual the reader's information was. As it turns out, it all checked out in multiple ways...and thank god for that. As a result of his email, our readers will now have a more thorough picture of what it's really like to be in and around Manowar. Prepare yourself...you are moments away from reading about how the KINGS OF METAL really live their lives. It's gonna' be a bumpy ride. Get ready.




FACT #1:
Joey DeMaio lives in the basement of his parents' house in Auburn NY

I know, it's not hard to believe at all. Actually, it's barely shocking...but knowing that it's actually true is simply fantastic. It's a bit like when the gay community found out that Rosie O'Donnell was actually a lesbian. They already knew about it...but having it out in the open gave them all the ability to finally move on.


This is the house Joey lives in. It's worth $190,000. As before, our non-American readers can convert this amount, and other amounts in this article, into their own currency here. Yes, it's out of the basement of this house that Joey runs his musical empire. Maybe when his parents move away or retire in Boca, he'll inherit the house. Could that be his sweet Ford Probe out front? Nothing says "metal" like a fifteen year old American coupe with four cylinders that puts out a "meh" inducing 110 horse power. By the way, look at all the weeds growing in and around the driveway...Joey's mom is going to be pissed! Joey better get out there and do some weeding...pronto! I can hear her saying "Joey, I don't care if you are the King Of Metal. You better be the King Of Weeding, go out there and take care of that driveway!"


Who's that sexy Italian beast wearing the karate uniform? And what about that Casio watch and platform shoes? It's the one and only king of metal of course! He probably keeps this amazing outfit in a closet at his mom's house. Mom threatens to throw it out during every spring cleaning...and Joey flips out each and every time.

As much of a pain as it probably is to have a leech like Joey living in your basement, he also happens to be a nice Catholic boy. Oh yes indeed. Joey is a member of the Knights Of Malta, a catholic order of some kind with a very confusing history. Check out Joey wearing some sweet robes. He looks like an aging, upstate New York, Italian dracula:



Can you imagine being Joey's mom, and seeing him in his dracula robe, or his furry armor sneaking fat 19 year old girls down into the basement? The woman is a saint.


Here we see Joey with his parents, who no doubt cry themselves to sleep over what a joke their pathetic son has turned out to be. See the microwave oven in the back? That's where Joey's mom has tried to put her head during numerous suicide attempts.




Regarding Joey, our reader states:

I have the great misfortune being from the same shithole town as Manowar. One of the perks of living here, though, is that I can get close looks at Joey DeMaio's thinning, dyed hair as he shops for broccoli at the local grocery store. You see dudes wearing Manowar shirts around town all the time. Guys of that age probably went to high school with them, and knew them before they were 'rock stars'. I can imagine how things were in the early 80's when all the local scumbags were into metal. Now, things have changed all of their illegitimate children are a bunch of wiggers. I don't know what's worse.





FACT #2: Karl Logan wears a fanny pack, and gives guitar lessons to 11 year olds.

I know, I know...these are not exactly revelations, but aren't you grateful to know these things are actually true? Our reader also filled us in on the fact that Karl lives in this house (see below), which he rents. Since he rents, I wont bother giving you the price...but looking at the picture, I think you'll agree that you could probably trade a bag of potatoes for it.

The building where Karl Logan lives, which was previously Manowar's practice space. What did you expect...a castle with torches and a mote?


Our reader tells us more:
Karl Logan is the local guitar teacher and lives in some shitty old building that Manowar used to rehearse in. He drives a beat up pickup with "9/11 was a lie" bumper stickers on it. Did I mention he wears a fanny pack everywhere? Living here, I get to see Karl pulling cash out of the fanny pack he wears everywhere to pay for his coffee (dude kinda reminds me of Mantas in that laugh-out-loud funny looking kinda way).




FACT #3: Eric Adams works construction to make ends meet

I know, I know...you probably figured that this was the case. I wish I lived in Auburn so I could have Eric Adams come and do the drywall in my basement. I would blast Manowar upstairs as he huffed and puffed carrying sheets of drywall down the steps. Can you imagine? It would be amazing. Mr. Adams lives in a modest home. A VERY modest home that costs $69,000.


Look above the door, at least the guy has satellite TV. Good for him. I guess you could call this "the house that being the King of Metal built", or "the house that singing at children's parties built". Either will do.


As pointed out by one of our readers, Eric also teaches archery classes at the local Bass Pro Shop. You can read about his hunting abilities in the local news sources here. Eric also seems to perform music at children's festivals. But don't judge him, I'm sure he performs a catalog that is very high in metal content.


Much like a dead bird's feathers which loose their luster after the years, Eric's hair appears to loose both its pizzazz and its hair dye when he's not on the road. What the hell kind of hair color has his plumage faded down to? Is he trying to blend into the surroundings as part of his camouflage? I can't believe he gets away with hunting when he lives so close to Syracuse. If Karl Crisis hears about this, there's gonna' be trouble.

Our reporter on the street tells us:

I get to eavesdrop on Eric Adams' (real name Lou Marullo, his stage name is a combination of his kids' names) tales of glory at recent European festivals, while watching high school football games. Eric lives in a small house, right next door to a metal foundry on some depressing little street. Perhaps that's where they get their swords made. He does construction work on his off time from the band, which probably equates to 11 months a year. One of his kids is in a joke cover band called Motley Crouton that plays the shithole bars around here.


Sweet 'stache Eric...now go do my drywall!

If you want to go further into the world of all things Manowar, check out Eric's son's MySpace page here. You can also check out his band's page here.

In closing:
Do any readers have any input about other metal demi-stars, their monetary earnings or real estate holdings? Let us know.

Also, if the reader who sent us this email, or any other resident of Auburn can send in pictures of Eric carrying drywall, or Joey buying broccoli...you'll get many, many thanks from us, and the entire world. The only guy who won't thank you will be this 17 year old who just got inked. Imagine his surprise when he figures out that he makes more money bagging groceries part-time than Joey does. Ouch.



In the past, postings about Machine Head and Rob Flynn's Disease (RFD for short) got us an insane number of page views, mostly from angry fans. Our posts also initiated heated, angry diatribes in Machine Head boards. Let's see what this post does to Manowar fans. I can't wait.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Metal Spokesmen: An Overview (Part 3 of 3)


One of the most ebullient TV spokesmen, Tony Little has been a fixture in American television for decades, selling his exercise equipment while sporting his fantastic hat/pony tail combo. Though you may think someone like Tony Little probably has nothing to do with the world of metal, you'd be wrong. Read on, and you will see just how similar Manowar's spokesman is to Tony Little.

This is the final post of our three post series about spokesmen in the realm of metal. I'm sorry about the fact that it took three full posts, but there were simply way too many to put in one post.

__________________________________________________________________
Homoerotic warrior


Largely based on He-Man action figures, Manowar's warrior is the pinnacle of homoeroticism in the world of metal, perhaps only beaten by those pictures of Manowar wearing furry armor. For some reason, Manowar's warrior enjoys wearing a spiked cockring around his leg, don't ask me why. Upstate New York is a fucked up place.

Coolness: 2
Evilness: 1
Backpatch worthiness: 7

Total MSM score: 10



__________________________________________________________________
Crazy Mask Guy


If I ever end up in a mental institution, I hope they give me a cool red leather straight jacket.

Though hardly metal, Quiet Riot also attempted to have a spokesperson. Their answer came in the shape of this crazy dude with a mask, who they used in multiple covers. Like Vic and Eddie, he was played by an actual person on their videos. I don't have much to say about this character, except that I highly doubt that mental health professionals would allow him to keep pins of his favorite band on his red leather straight jacket. Sorry, I can only suspend disbelief for so long. Oh, and one last thing. The pun in this album's name took me about ten years to get. I'm retarded.

Coolness: 4
Evilness: 2
Backpatch worthiness: 3

Total MSM score: 9



__________________________________________________________________
Gas Mask Guy


Somewhat related to Sacred Reich's masked surfer, Sodom's spokesmen was a faceless soldier with the standard issue gas mask. Again, what in the hell was the obsession with toxic waste and gas masks in the 80s? Aside from the fact that he was often drawn rather badly (on this cover, he looks like he's melting), the concept was strong and certainly set the mood. Another plus about this character is that he took our attention away from the Sodom logo, which looks like it was drawn by a drunk 5 year old. I know some people like the logo (the same idiots who like all those scrawny, asymmetrical black metal logos), but I don't care. You're all wrong. As a spokesperson, I picture this masked guy on the Home Shopping Network pitching the new Sodom album. Due to his mask, he'd be barely audible. Sales would plummet, and he'd be fired. He would be replaced by Sacred Reich's masked surfer who is currently out of work.

Coolness: 6
Evilness: 7
Backpatch worthiness: 7

Total MSM score: 20



__________________________________________________________________
Helmet-wearing Skull Dude



One of the lesser known spokesmen in the world of metal is Rumble Militia's helmet-wearing skull dude. Though the lyrical content in this album deals largely with concepts like racial equality and the like...these Germans seem pretty comfortable making their spokesman wear a godamned Nazi helmet. I don't get it. Yes, I noticed that he has a red star on the helmet and a red shirt with a star...but come on. My brother and I bought this tape in 1991 because the band was on Century Media. Boy were we let down. Aside from one rather poppy song that I've had stuck in my head ever since, the album is a pile of doo-doo. Still, you have to give them props for stepping up to the spokesperson arena and throwing their Nazi helmet into the ring.

Coolness: 2
Evilness: 4 (He's wearing a Nazi helmet for god's sake!)
Backpatch worthiness: 0

Total MSM score: 6


__________________________________________________________________
Vic Rattlehead

Oh my god, do you see the sticker on the cover of this single? It came with a free Vic mask? Holy crap! How badly do I want to fire up the Nocturnus time machine in order to go buy one of these!


Perhaps one of the best known metal spokesmen is Vic Rattlehead. He's also one of the few (if not the only) to have a last name. This is both a testament to Mustaine's stupidity and stubborness. Vic's last name is also the super-secret name under which Megadeth books itself to play incognito shows, Vic And The Rattleheads. Shhhh, don't tell anyone. It's a secret. Anyway, Vic is a jack of all trades. Like Eddie, he's extremely versatile and able to play a scientist, orchestra conductor, a zombie and so many other roles. Like Laaz Rockit's angry army guy, Vic has had the honor of coming to life in video form. In Hangar 18, he came to life as a dude wearing a mask and holding skeleton hands out of his sleeves. If you are interested in that video, you can enjoy my full review of it here. Vic was also seen in photographic depiction on the cover of So Far, So Good, So What. If you're going to ask me why Vic is on the moon on that cover (see the earth over his shoulder?), I have no idea. I also don't think that things like grenades would work on the moon, since I think they need air to explode. I've heard that you actually can shoot guns in the moon though...but whatever. The bigger question is: why are Vic's sunglasses riveted on? Why are the wires from his headphones chains? Are those headphones Ipod compatible? Vic gives us more questions than answers. Just like Megadeth, because I know when I heard their music, I always ask "who listens to this?" One last note, did you know that Dave Mustaine held a contest recently so that fans could redesign Vic? Oh, it's true. See the finalists here.

Coolness: 6
Evilness: 5
Backpatch worthiness: 7

Total MSM score: 18


__________________________________________________________________
Overall Results:
The Voivod skull is the winner, with Sergeant D as a close second. If you care about these very important results, please double check my math, because I barely paid attention when adding.

__________________________________________________________________
Honorable Mentions:
DRI (Moshing/running dude), Misfits (Crimson Ghost), Danzig/Samhain (Goat Skull Thing), Motorhead (Screaming skull/helmet thing which a reader informs us is called "Snaggletooth B. Motörhead"), C.O.C's (Toxic skull thing), Blind Guardian (Robed wizard guy). Any others we forgot? I'm sure there's plenty more.

Friday, May 23, 2008

If You Can't Eat It Or Fuck It... Then Kill It!

Would you want to have to fight these guys?

You probably know Pete Steele as the lead singer of everyone's favorite goth metal band Type O Negative. You may also know him from his popular centerfold spread in the August 1995 issue of Playgirl. But his greatest contribution to society is the criminally underappreciated post-apocalyptic proto-thrash outfit Carnivore. Formed back in 1983 by then New York Parks Department employee "Lord Petrus Steele" along with drummer Louie Beateaux and guitarist Keith Alexander. Musically, Carnivore was like if Venom was from Brooklyn and obsessed with Mad Max instead of Satan. Sloppy, loud, fast, and heavy. Carnivore's music is a muscular speed metal all their own. From the picture above it's clear their biggest fashion influences were Manowar and the Legion of Doom. Known for drenching their audiences with buckets of animal blood, entrails, and assorted body parts, Carnivore was years ahead of shitty black metal bands like Mayhem and Gorgoroth who later stole their idea.

Simple, yet effective cover art

Carnivore's self-titled debut album is probably the manliest, most macho metal record ever made (sorry, Manowar). If you don't have a penis, you probably won't "get" this record, but that's okay. It's pure testosterone, with a healthy dose of sarcasm and cynicism. The album's lyrical concept revolves around life after a thermonuclear war. Roving gangs of neo-barbarians rule the streets where rape, murder, and cannibalism are accepted forms of self-expression. It's the soundtrack to the greatest 80s action movie that was never made. The album kicks off with "Predator," a song about the people living in the subways beneath the ruined city coming out and being eaten by Carnivore. "I sense that living human beings dwell below my feet/An important source of protein/You are what you eat!" Next up is the band's theme song and it contains all of Carnivore's favorite themes--sex, violence, and cannibalism. "Drool dripping out/My tongue hanging south/Saliva flowing free/My eyes full of lust/My balls gonna bust/Give yourself to me/Thirst I can't quench/C'mere you wench/There's something that I need." "Male Supremacy" is an epic worthy of its title that's sure to get any feminist's blood boiling with its hilarious shouted chorus of "MALE SUPREMACY!" Memorable lines include "Between my legs I've got what it takes to be called a man/Fighting/Feasting/Fucking all I can." As if the song weren't already over-the-top enough it features an extended acoustic breakdown where Steele romantically croons the sort of lines he'd later make a living from with Type O Negative. Alternating between a slow stomp and fast chugging, "Armageddon" is one of the catchiest songs on the album. Never before has the end of the world sounded this good.


Look at those fucking bass drums!!!

Coincidentally enough, side two of Carnivore starts off with the song "Legion of Doom" about a biker gang who's motto is "Live your life by your will/Learn to be an animal/By the light of the moon beware the legion of doom!" "God is Dead," featuring a killer cowbell-heavy chorus, is about God committing suicide because he's so depressed by what mankind has become. "You gang raped mother nature/I love a virgins cry/Blood poured from the earth/She suffered and she died/Rusty scissors still in hand you castrated father time/Feed his balls to the hounds that drink his cum like wine." "Thermonuclear Warrior" is one of the most raging, balls out tracks on the album advocating eugenics via homicide. The album closes with the ten minute epic to end all epics "World Wars III and IV." Riffs, dive-bombs, solos, explosions, and drum solos for days. You couldn't ask for a more fitting end to one of the greatest metal albums ever made.

Classic 80s shitty metal album cover art

Carnivore's second and final album, Retaliation, is also worth seeking out. The musicianship is tighter, the production is cleaner, and there's more of a hardcore/crossover vibe, but it's still very much a metal record. By this point they'd stopped wearing costumes and the lyrics are slightly more "serious," but still just as hilarious. The album starts off with the sound of someone puking their brains out and then launches into the scathing social commentary of "Angry Neurotic Catholics" followed by the anthemic "Suck My Dick." The controversial nature of this album mostly stems from the ridiculously over-the-top lyrics to "Race War." Lines like "Don't call me your brother 'cause I ain't your fuckin' brother/We fell from different cunts and your skin's an ugly color" tend to get people all worked up. Personally, I think it's tongue-in-cheek. How can anyone actually take what these guys sing about seriously after looking at these photos? Some people have no sense of humor.

Carnivores love meat

"Inner Conflict" is an epic suicide lament with extremely descriptive lyrics like "Large two inches maggots decorate my vomit/Infected eyes oozing puss/Acknowledge the stench of human excrement/Swamps of mucus prevalent/Every hole in my body drips blood." "Jesus Hitler" is the story of a mysterious figure born of a nun raped by a Nazi at the end of World War II. Jesus Hitler or Aldolf Christ? Torn between good and evil, has he come to save the Jews or destroy them? Brilliant Stuff. "Technophobia" is filled with more pro-technology, anti-religion rhetoric like "You worship a dead man hung with nails/Only a fool would die for the sins of humanity/On your knees before electronics." This is followed by a cover of Jimi Hendrix's "Manic Depression" that rivals the original. "USA for USA" is like when Agnostic Front makes the crowd say the Pledge of Allegiance before playing "Liberty and Justice" on Live at CBGB, but better. "All the bullshit countries who think they'll beat the giant/World peace is upheaval/We'll nuke'em to the stoneage/Send the message clear/'Ya don't fuck with the eagle." If I were an Army general in Iraq, this is what I'd want my troops listening to! Retaliation closes with the Clockwork Orange inspired "Sex and Violence." I leave you with its timeless lyrics...

Monkey wrench in my hand
In my groin a swollen gland
Tonight perform brain surgery
Or some gynecology
Clockwork orange fast be comming
Rampant sreets gangs overrunning
After darkness waging war
What do they keep living for?
Sex and violence
I love to hear you scream in vain
Splattered blood and semen stains
Rape and murder lesson learned
Meeting of my pain and sperm
Prey upon the old and helpless
Reconditioning is useless
Ultraviolent offsprings of gore
What do they keep living for?
Sex and violence
If you can't eat it or fuck it
Then kill it
Sexual deviation
Religious desecration
Civil mutilation
Violent procreation
Bleed for me