Metal Inquisition Investigative Report: Metal Real Estate (Part 4)

As I've stated before, one unfortunate aspect of metal is the lack of information about the earnings of metal musicians. In sports, for example, this type of information is often public. Why not in metal? I have long asked for complete transparency in the realm of metal...but my calls to Steamhammer records have gone unanswered, so too have my faxes to Wild Rags. It's for this reason that we here at Metal Inquisition have decided to roll up our sleeves and once again check into these matters the only way we know how. Real estate.

It just so happened that as we were starting this investigation, a fantastic email from a reader who lives in the same town as Manowar came into our mailbox. The email featured all kinds of fantastic insight as to what it's like to be at ground zero of the Manowar epidemic. Notice that I use the term "ground zero", which is often used in the context of 9-11...because in a way, Manowar itself is a good bit like a musical 9-11.

Manowar...pioneers in homoerotic attire since 1980.

As with all information we publish, we had to be thorough in checking out just how factual the reader's information was. As it turns out, it all checked out in multiple ways...and thank god for that. As a result of his email, our readers will now have a more thorough picture of what it's really like to be in and around Manowar. Prepare yourself...you are moments away from reading about how the KINGS OF METAL really live their lives. It's gonna' be a bumpy ride. Get ready.




FACT #1: Joey DeMaio lives in the basement of his parents' house in Auburn NY

I know, it's not hard to believe at all. Actually, it's barely shocking...but knowing that it's actually true is simply fantastic. It's a bit like when the gay community found out that Rosie O'Donnell was actually a lesbian. They already knew about it...but having it out in the open gave them all the ability to finally move on.


This is the house Joey lives in. It's worth $190,000. As before, our non-American readers can convert this amount, and other amounts in this article, into their own currency here. Yes, it's out of the basement of this house that Joey runs his musical empire. Maybe when his parents move away or retire in Boca, he'll inherit the house. Could that be his sweet Ford Probe out front? Nothing says "metal" like a fifteen year old American coupe with four cylinders that puts out a "meh" inducing 110 horse power. By the way, look at all the weeds growing in and around the driveway...Joey's mom is going to be pissed! Joey better get out there and do some weeding...pronto! I can hear her saying "Joey, I don't care if you are the King Of Metal. You better be the King Of Weeding, go out there and take care of that driveway!"

Who's that sexy Italian beast wearing the karate uniform? And what about that Casio watch and platform shoes? It's the one and only king of metal of course! He probably keeps this amazing outfit in a closet at his mom's house. Mom threatens to throw it out during every spring cleaning...and Joey flips out each and every time.

As much of a pain as it probably is to have a leech like Joey living in your basement, he also happens to be a nice Catholic boy. Oh yes indeed. Joey is a member of the Knights Of Malta, a catholic order of some kind with a very confusing history. Check out Joey wearing some sweet robes. He looks like an aging, upstate New York, Italian dracula:



Can you imagine being Joey's mom, and seeing him in his dracula robe, or his furry armor sneaking fat 19 year old girls down into the basement? The woman is a saint.

Here we see Joey with his parents, who no doubt cry themselves to sleep over what a joke their pathetic son has turned out to be. See the microwave oven in the back? That's where Joey's mom has tried to put her head during numerous suicide attempts.

Regarding Joey, our reader states:

I have the great misfortune being from the same shithole town as Manowar. One of the perks of living here, though, is that I can get close looks at Joey DeMaio's thinning, dyed hair as he shops for broccoli at the local grocery store. You see dudes wearing Manowar shirts around town all the time. Guys of that age probably went to high school with them, and knew them before they were 'rock stars'. I can imagine how things were in the early 80's when all the local scumbags were into metal. Now, things have changed all of their illegitimate children are a bunch of wiggers. I don't know what's worse.

FACT #2: Karl Logan wears a fanny pack, and gives guitar lessons to 11 year olds.

I know, I know...these are not exactly revelations, but aren't you grateful to know these things are actually true? Our reader also filled us in on the fact that Karl lives in this house (see below), which he rents. Since he rents, I wont bother giving you the price...but looking at the picture, I think you'll agree that you could probably trade a bag of potatoes for it.

The building where Karl Logan lives, which was previously Manowar's practice space. What did you expect...a castle with torches and a mote?

Our reader tells us more:

Karl Logan is the local guitar teacher and lives in some shitty old building that Manowar used to rehearse in. He drives a beat up pickup with "9/11 was a lie" bumper stickers on it. Did I mention he wears a fanny pack everywhere? Living here, I get to see Karl pulling cash out of the fanny pack he wears everywhere to pay for his coffee (dude kinda reminds me of Mantas in that laugh-out-loud funny looking kinda way).

FACT #3: Eric Adams works construction to make ends meet

I know, I know...you probably figured that this was the case. I wish I lived in Auburn so I could have Eric Adams come and do the drywall in my basement. I would blast Manowar upstairs as he huffed and puffed carrying sheets of drywall down the steps. Can you imagine? It would be amazing. Mr. Adams lives in a modest home. A VERY modest home that costs $69,000.

Look above the door, at least the guy has satellite TV. Good for him. I guess you could call this "the house that being the King of Metal built", or "the house that singing at children's parties built". Either will do.

As pointed out by one of our readers, Eric also teaches archery classes at the local Bass Pro Shop. You can read about his hunting abilities in the local news sources here. Eric also seems to perform music at children's festivals. But don't judge him, I'm sure he performs a catalog that is very high in metal content.

Much like a dead bird's feathers which loose their luster after the years, Eric's hair appears to loose both its pizzazz and its hair dye when he's not on the road. What the hell kind of hair color has his plumage faded down to? Is he trying to blend into the surroundings as part of his camouflage? I can't believe he gets away with hunting when he lives so close to Syracuse. If Karl Crisis hears about this, there's gonna' be trouble.

Our reporter on the street tells us:

I get to eavesdrop on Eric Adams' (real name Lou Marullo, his stage name is a combination of his kids' names) tales of glory at recent European festivals, while watching high school football games. Eric lives in a small house, right next door to a metal foundry on some depressing little street. Perhaps that's where they get their swords made. He does construction work on his off time from the band, which probably equates to 11 months a year. One of his kids is in a joke cover band called Motley Crouton that plays the shithole bars around here.

Sweet 'stache Eric...now go do my drywall!

If you want to go further into the world of all things Manowar, check out Eric's son's MySpace page here. You can also check out his band's page here.

In closing:
Do any readers have any input about other metal demi-stars, their monetary earnings or real estate holdings? Let us know.

Also, if the reader who sent us this email, or any other resident of Auburn can send in pictures of Eric carrying drywall, or Joey buying broccoli...you'll get many, many thanks from us, and the entire world. The only guy who won't thank you will be this 17 year old who just got inked. Imagine his surprise when he figures out that he makes more money bagging groceries part-time than Joey does. Ouch.



In the past, postings about Machine Head and Rob Flynn's Disease (RFD for short) got us an insane number of page views, mostly from angry fans. Our posts also initiated heated, angry diatribes in Machine Head boards. Let's see what this post does to Manowar fans. I can't wait.

Metal Inquisition Investigative Report: Metal Real Estate (Part 3)

Nothing says "sexy" like a greasy Italian dude wearing a satin jacket.

Those of you who follow us on Twitter may have seen my tweet (that's what Twitter posts are called, so the kids tell me) some weeks ago, in which the following comment was accompanied by the image below:

"When you are homeless like Joey Belladonna, your winter gloves become your toilet paper"

Now, I must admit that the image above does not depict Joey Belladonna's poo. As a matter of fact, that post was just a way for me to insert that rancid image in everyone's mind. If I had to see it (and take a picture of it) why shouldn't everyone else be traumatized as well?

After uploading that image, I began to wonder what kind of a house Joey actually could afford. What type of home can you buy with all that State Of Euphoria money? It sounded like a job for the M.I. investigative team. I rounded up the troops (to do so, I point a spotlight at the sky, much like Batman, but in our case it's not a bat that shines in the sky, but the swirly thing from the State of Euphoria record) and we got to work. We hope you enjoy our report:



As Metal Inquisition staffers grow older, our attention has turned from musician's accomplishments on stage, to those off stage. When we were 15, we all thought dudes in metal bands looked cool (at least most of them) and we cared about little else. Now as we age, we start to wonder "how much money is he making?", as well as "does he live with his parents?" Little to no information is available regarding the kind of money you can make by playing metal for a living. We wanted to know. We have chosen, once again, to do this the only way we know how...by looking into real estate holdings of a metal demi-star (see here and here.) This time around, we are looking into the pockets of metal's most beloved Italian crooner, Joey Belladonna.

Where's the other half of his mic stand? We will never know.

Known to most simply as the guy behind the mic (and the tiny mic stand it was attached to) at Anthrax shows, Belladonna has always been a bit of an enigma. Afterall, how many Italian guys (real name Bellardini by the way, even more Italan that Belladonna) do you know who write "Injun" on their hat, and parade around in full native american head dress? Also a mystery about Joey...why didn't he ever get that one crooked tooth fixed. We'll never know. What we do know about is real estate.

Does Joey live in a fantastic triplex penthouse in the Upper West Side? A trendy loft in Chelsea? Has he moved to the West coast to live in Malibu? Close. Turns out, Joey lives in a suburb of Syracuse called Camillus. Perhaps readers from the area can fill us in as to what type of town it is...and if it is in fact a suburb or more of a town near Syracuse. Either way, this is where our beloved Italian Injun hangs his head dress.

I guess you could say that this is the house that "I'm The Man" built.

The home costs $311,000, not bad I guess, but not all that impressive either. For all of our non-American readers, you can figure out the exchange rate into your native currency here. The house has three bedrooms, was built in 1990, and has 2600 square feet of living space. Perhaps the most intriguing thing about the house is that it has no central air conditioning. I know that to our non American readers this may seem normal...but for a house in the US to not have A/C (particularly one this size that was built in 1990) is downright strange, even in upstate New York. Why would Joey not have air conditioning in his house? It could only be for one reason. In order to recreate his glory days on stage with Anthrax, Joey parades around his house wearing the indian head dress as he orders people around with his tiny mic stand. "Kids, do the dishes. Take out the trash!" and then when the kids disobey him, he promptly yells out "NOT!" Due to the lack of A/C, Joey sweats profusely (as all Italians do), as he did on stage back then. In doing so, he replicates an Anthrax concert in the comfort of his home. As part of that recreation, he probably has cardboard cutouts of Anthrax members which he also orders around. If any readers out there have a better suggestion, please let me know.

Two other things worth noting about the home. Why is there a van parked in the driveway? Is Joey installing satellite dishes to make ends meet? Also, why is all the grass dead around his house? Does Joey have the opposite of the Midas touch? Does everything he touch die, much like his solo career? Lastly, if you're wondering why there's a jungle gym and slide in the back yard, that's in case Danny Spitz comes to visit. Gotta' keep that lil' guy happy.

On a closing note, please look at this snapshot I took from Joey's entry in Wikipedia. I don't know if this will still be up by the time you read this. Wikipedia correctly states that:

1. Joey's genitalia was used as a mold for a best selling dildo.
2. Joey's hair can be fashioned into the only weapon known to hurt Chuck Norris.

Whoever tells you that Wikipedia is not a reliable source, has not done their homework.

Metal Inquisition Mailbag Vol 2: Happy Halloween!

ENTER THE DROIDS
Asa E sends us a link to an incredible interview he did with none other than Mike Browning of Nocturnus. There are some real gems in here:

How difficult was singing and drumming simultaneously, initially? Whenever singing/playing an instrument, rhythmic consistency is a given, but drums seem to be a very cardiovascularly demanding instrument.
Well I have been doing it so long it’s just kind of natural now for me, but using a headphone mic actually makes it a lot easier. Once I really get a good memorization of the lyrics to where I don’t have to think about what I am singing, then I can really get into just becoming the song instead of playing it!

Very subtle, Asa!! You coaxed him into talking about the headphone microphone without tipping him off to the fact that you were making fun of him. It's always a tough balance, and you pulled it off like a pro! I don't want to spoil it, but this is one of the best interviews I've read in ages! It touches on Metal Gear, the cover of The Key, chanting spells from the Necronomicon, and all kinds of great stuff. Asa, can't wait to see more!!

Read it here

Which crappy state sucks more?
Pat writes:
As a survivor of the tri-state area's hardcore and metal scenes, I was thinking you guys could do a post posing the question "Which is more metal, Long Island or New Jersey? Could be an epic debate.
The fact that Danzig's from Lodi, NJ may be the decider.

The Inquisitors respond: Who is really to say? Both are wretched dumps in which the resident fall into one of two categories: scary poor people or annoying middle-class/rich people who think they know everything. NJ gave us Ripping Corpse, Dim Mak, Mortal Decay, Revenant and Bloodfeast, but LI brought the world Morpheus Descends, Suffocation, Internal Bleeding, and Pyrexia.

From the Old Memes department
Constanza 76 write:
The images of pure evil that consumed my soul when i visited this website will no doubt give the M.I. staffers more than enough post material.

Are you guys ever worried that these shadow worshipers you make fun of almost daily will finally take action, unite, and assault the M.I. compound. Will seargant d and the S.O.D be enough to defeat these unholy legions.

RateMyCorpsepaint.com

The Inquisitors respond:
As we discussed in our last mailbag, making fun of corpsepaint is pretty much played out, but maybe this take on the subject will be novel enough to amuse. We leave it to you, the reader, to decide if we are guilty of the same stereotype that we seek to lampoon.*

* Ultramega giant holocaust nerd points to anyone who can identify this reference

Why is Shane Embury chasing Richard Marx?

They also invented homos
Matthew writes:
Dear Metal Inquisition,

Would like to bring to the attention of the MI the following two Greek metal bands who currently ply their craft primarily through myspace:

http://www.myspace.com/convixionband
http://www.myspace.com/strikelight
http://www.myspace.com/crucifiergreece

You will note, when perusing their profiles, the widespread use of Engrish. You will also note that it is in fact currently 1987 in sunny Greece. The intention behind the image the bands are attempting to put across is devoid of all irony.

The Inquisitors respond:
Yikes, you're not kidding about the Engrish or the time warp! Here are a couple of highlights from Crucifier:

No, it's not an outtake from a Gothic Slam photo shoot, they're Greeks. The guy on the left even has little saddlebags like every Greek woman over 28.

Sounds Like FAST AGGRESSIVE INSANE ANGRY RAMPAGEOUS VIOLENT CUTTHROATING
"FUCK YOU POSERS THRASH WILL GET YOUR HEAD!"

Now, I could spend the rest of this post making fun of these awful bands, but you can do that on your own: they're fat, ugly dipshits that can't speak English, blah blah blah. Instead, I will take advantage of our international readership and make fun of Greeks- because there is plenty to make fun of! First of all, they love complaining about pretty much anything and everything. I am really not clear on what they actually do enjoy, aside from having strong opinions and voicing them very loudly while they gesticulate aggressively. Oh, they also like to point out that Turkish coffee "is really Greek coffee." Which brings me to the other thing they like, which is explaining how awful Turks, Albanians, and Romanians are. I'm sure they are indeed awful, but it's just sort of funny in the same way as it would be funny to hear someone in a Crazy Town shirt tell you that Papa Roach is a terrible band.

WTF
Megaforce Records writes:

Mushroomhead have new DVD out Oct. 28. Can you post the new video "Save Us" link? Great for Halloween:

Best,

Zarna & Robert

Megaforce Records

212-741-8861

The Inquisitors respond:
I am only posting this because Bobby Blitz told me that Johnny Z was cool! Seriously, how can you get up in the morning and look yourself in the mirror knowing that you have to go to work and peddle Mushroomhead records?! I saw this awful band in 1996 and never in a million years did I think they would still exist in 2008- and if I did, I would certainly have used my Nocturnus time machine to destroy them!! I mean, I like a lot of shitty shit (for example, Limp Bizkit, Evanescence and Crazy Town), but even I have to draw the line somewhere, and this is where I draw it. If you need anymore favors, you're going to have to have Johnny Z call me personally!!

Hipsters would probably buy them

Rick Bell writes:
As none of you most likely know, in my spare time I'm occasionally an unsuccessful inventor. I'm the Homer Simpson variety inventor, for every halfway decent idea I've come up with there are a hundred that are really, really crappy. But I think I'm onto something here. Not since Clip-On 3-D Glasses (making 3-D movies easier on those who wear glasses, of course) have I come up with something this ingenious. The Death Metal Fanny Pack - For The Indiscriminate Metal Fan On The Go:

Nergal from Behemoth thinks they're cool! (Nergal? Wasn't that Garfield's arch nemesis in the hit comic strip Garfield?)

The Inquisitors respond:
Well done, Rick! I'm mildly amused! The only problem is, I am nearly certain that Blue Grape already made these back in the 90s. Remember how you could buy Sepultura "jams" and Sacred Reich hockey jerseys?

Until next time...
We have another 100 or so emails in the inbox, and maybe only 90% of them are press releases about Mushroomhead. What do you think? Is the mailbag entertaining, or no? Should we try to answer all of them, or only post the best ones?