Metal Inquisition Investigative Report: Metal Real Estate (Part 3)

Nothing says "sexy" like a greasy Italian dude wearing a satin jacket.

Those of you who follow us on Twitter may have seen my tweet (that's what Twitter posts are called, so the kids tell me) some weeks ago, in which the following comment was accompanied by the image below:

"When you are homeless like Joey Belladonna, your winter gloves become your toilet paper"

Now, I must admit that the image above does not depict Joey Belladonna's poo. As a matter of fact, that post was just a way for me to insert that rancid image in everyone's mind. If I had to see it (and take a picture of it) why shouldn't everyone else be traumatized as well?

After uploading that image, I began to wonder what kind of a house Joey actually could afford. What type of home can you buy with all that State Of Euphoria money? It sounded like a job for the M.I. investigative team. I rounded up the troops (to do so, I point a spotlight at the sky, much like Batman, but in our case it's not a bat that shines in the sky, but the swirly thing from the State of Euphoria record) and we got to work. We hope you enjoy our report:



As Metal Inquisition staffers grow older, our attention has turned from musician's accomplishments on stage, to those off stage. When we were 15, we all thought dudes in metal bands looked cool (at least most of them) and we cared about little else. Now as we age, we start to wonder "how much money is he making?", as well as "does he live with his parents?" Little to no information is available regarding the kind of money you can make by playing metal for a living. We wanted to know. We have chosen, once again, to do this the only way we know how...by looking into real estate holdings of a metal demi-star (see here and here.) This time around, we are looking into the pockets of metal's most beloved Italian crooner, Joey Belladonna.

Where's the other half of his mic stand? We will never know.

Known to most simply as the guy behind the mic (and the tiny mic stand it was attached to) at Anthrax shows, Belladonna has always been a bit of an enigma. Afterall, how many Italian guys (real name Bellardini by the way, even more Italan that Belladonna) do you know who write "Injun" on their hat, and parade around in full native american head dress? Also a mystery about Joey...why didn't he ever get that one crooked tooth fixed. We'll never know. What we do know about is real estate.

Does Joey live in a fantastic triplex penthouse in the Upper West Side? A trendy loft in Chelsea? Has he moved to the West coast to live in Malibu? Close. Turns out, Joey lives in a suburb of Syracuse called Camillus. Perhaps readers from the area can fill us in as to what type of town it is...and if it is in fact a suburb or more of a town near Syracuse. Either way, this is where our beloved Italian Injun hangs his head dress.

I guess you could say that this is the house that "I'm The Man" built.

The home costs $311,000, not bad I guess, but not all that impressive either. For all of our non-American readers, you can figure out the exchange rate into your native currency here. The house has three bedrooms, was built in 1990, and has 2600 square feet of living space. Perhaps the most intriguing thing about the house is that it has no central air conditioning. I know that to our non American readers this may seem normal...but for a house in the US to not have A/C (particularly one this size that was built in 1990) is downright strange, even in upstate New York. Why would Joey not have air conditioning in his house? It could only be for one reason. In order to recreate his glory days on stage with Anthrax, Joey parades around his house wearing the indian head dress as he orders people around with his tiny mic stand. "Kids, do the dishes. Take out the trash!" and then when the kids disobey him, he promptly yells out "NOT!" Due to the lack of A/C, Joey sweats profusely (as all Italians do), as he did on stage back then. In doing so, he replicates an Anthrax concert in the comfort of his home. As part of that recreation, he probably has cardboard cutouts of Anthrax members which he also orders around. If any readers out there have a better suggestion, please let me know.

Two other things worth noting about the home. Why is there a van parked in the driveway? Is Joey installing satellite dishes to make ends meet? Also, why is all the grass dead around his house? Does Joey have the opposite of the Midas touch? Does everything he touch die, much like his solo career? Lastly, if you're wondering why there's a jungle gym and slide in the back yard, that's in case Danny Spitz comes to visit. Gotta' keep that lil' guy happy.

On a closing note, please look at this snapshot I took from Joey's entry in Wikipedia. I don't know if this will still be up by the time you read this. Wikipedia correctly states that:

1. Joey's genitalia was used as a mold for a best selling dildo.
2. Joey's hair can be fashioned into the only weapon known to hurt Chuck Norris.

Whoever tells you that Wikipedia is not a reliable source, has not done their homework.

Waking The Cadaver: When wigger slam goes TOO FAR

There's no time for love, just time for hate!!

You know what I love? Fucking Fury of V. Back in the mid 90s, when mesh shorts, Tommy Hilfiger tank tops, and visors were the order of the day, Fury fucking held it down. Nobody fucked with those guys!! And if they did, they caught a Jersey-style beatdown! Those were the days, my friends. But you know what I don't love? When Jersey shore wiggers play crappy slam metal. And that brings us to Waking The Cadaver, a budget wigger slam band from somewhere on the Jersey shore. There many things wrong with WTC, but you can boil it down to three main issue:

1. They are the wrong kind of wiggers
When Japanese people or Europeans try to be wiggers, it's cute. It's kind of a novelty, like dressing your cat up in a funny costume or women's sports. With chavs or that weird jumpstyle dancing, you can excuse it because they're Euros, which means that they might as well be infantile retards so you can't really hold it against them. The problem here is that WTC are real life, authentic American wiggers, and nobody wants more of those.

Big pants waste precious fabric
(I stole that line from some 90s punk comp)

2. They are popular with Myspace homos
Perhaps because of their hardcore origins, WTC became an interweb phenomenon among suburban 17 year olds with girl jeans and Myspace haircuts. The results? Well... you can see below- it's not pretty:

Like Job For A Cowboy, Despised Icon, and whatever other atrocious bands are playing this wretched style, this is reason enough to hate WTC.


Note the abundance of wiggerish arm movements at around :35

3. Absence of quality control
The fact that there is a wigger slam band that I do not like should be the first sign of trouble. As MI readers know, my standards for slam metal are not exactly high. For example, I love Artery Eruption, although when I played them for Lucho Metales, he said "Dude... come on. We could do that in my garage in like 45 minutes." And he was right. Yet WTC is below even my laughably low standards for wigger slam metal.

Let's begin with the name of their album: "Perverse Recollections Of A Necromangler." Necromangler?? Again, if they were Japs or Euros, it would be fine (for example, Blunt Force Trauma's song "Fight In Anus" is great). But they don't have ESL as an excuse.

Cypress Hill sticker on guitar = not OK

The lyrics are pretty much what you would expect from the Einsteins that invented the word "Necromangler":

Countless nights getting twisted
extreme illicit substance inhalation.
Fuck...I'm craving some penetration
because hoes, let me tell you,
i do it unprotected like its my occupation,
and guaranteed
your puckering up your lips for a spraying.

Now keep in mind I am a huge Meatshits fan, so it's not like I am particularly demanding or looking for anything intellectual. But this is on another level of subhuman stupidity, something like what you would expect from Insane Clown Posse. For example, I think this verse from "What Is A Juggalo?" could be WTC lyrics:

What is a Juggalo?
He just dont care.
He might try to put a weave in his nut hair.
Cuz he could give a fuck less what a bitch thinks,
He tell her that her butt stinks, and all that.

WTC or random shitty hardcore band on Back Ta Basics? You be the judge.

As for their songwriting skills, rather than think of something witty myself, I will plagiarize some review from Encyclopedia Metallum instead:

I'm serious, the only riffs on the album are so mindlessly simplistic, the arbitrary blastbeats are the only thing that seperates them from being breakdowns themselves! If that's not enough, the only thing more "brootal" than the breakdowns is the breakdowns WITHIN the breakdowns. And the meta-breakdowns. And the resulting breakdowns whenever the band decides to cool off after "breaking it down".

Meta-breakdowns!! That is what we call solid gold.