Interpretative Iron Maiden Dance

Is this Lady Gaga's retarded cousin?

Rock n' Roll Heaven: A New Jersey institution (Guest post)

"Storytime With Metal Inquisition", a nationwide project throughout public libraries, which teaches kids about metal and metal history. A special thanks to Megaforce Records for its contributions to this important program.

If there's one thing that all of us at Metal Inquisition seem to do a fair amount of, it would have to be living in the past. In my case, I mostly seem to dwell on the most amazing moments in metal history...and I thus celebrate landmark moments like Forbidden's "Twisted To Form" album, as well as that one time that Mille from Kreator hosted Headbanger's Ball. Mr. Sergeant D, being a younger-in-spirit type of guy, chooses instead to celebrate the past by practicing Forced Entry riffs on his reverse headstock Jackson dinky. My brother, Skullkrusher, opts for quiet and relaxing evenings at home, sipping on a fine beverage while blasting the Wermacht LP. Mr Gene Hoglan's Balls, a quality human being if there ever was one, chooses to drive around Newark airport while listening to the Grindcrusher compilation in cassette format. However we choose to celebrate our metal past, one thing is for sure, it's a part of who we are today. It's for that reason that just a couple of weeks ago, I posted an homage (of sorts) to thrash metal empresario and label owner Jonny Z. Much like spraying insecticide under a washing machine tends to upset the roaches living under it, that post seemed to stir the sleeping Jersey residents who had memories of Jonny and his great record store. One such Jersey resident (who I have just unwillingly compared to a cockroach...but really...no Jersey resident would take that as an insult) who commented on that post was "Anon". This person, one filled with metal memories of the scene from back in the day (and the memorabilia to back it up) has granted us rare access into his metal archives. Why is access to his archives "rare"? Because I'm guessing that these things are kept in his mom's attic...and although he still lives at home, his mom gets super angry when he goes up there and makes a mess of her quilting supplies and christmas ornaments. With that in mind, you should understand how rare and impressive his insights and mementos are. Afterall, I think we could all use more upbeat and informative posts these days. Why do we all need upbeat posts? Because of the economy? Because of the high unemployment rate? Well, sort of. You see, Metal Church, the other amazing Seattle band (Forced Entry being the first) have called it quits! As a result, five more unskilled douchebags are now entering the ranks of the unemployed in the greater Seattle area. Because of that bit of sad news, all of us at the MI corporate offices are wearing black today...as we mourn the death of a band whose catalog we were barely aware of...and whose name was nearly as putrid as Exciter. It's for that reason that we should treasure this guest post. Enjoy it, and think of it as "metal storytime" with uncle Anon. Unlike when you had storytime with your uncle Earl, however, Anon won't touch you in a funny place, or try to play "hide the pickle" with you. Enjoy.




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In the interest of fairness I must preface this by going on record as saying that Jonny and everyone else associated with RnR Heaven were always stand-up people in their dealings with me. Jonny was a pretty cool guy and always respectful towards his oftentimes annoying customers. Whether it was foresight or just plain luck, he certainly took the ball and ran with it. When I first started going to his little shop, he was just a weird guy selling totally obscure imported metal records by bands no one had ever heard of. He may not have created it single-handedly, but he was most definitely a major contributor to the overall metal scene, no question. Any jibes I direct towards Johnny Z or his store are all strictly good-natured and in the spirit of fun. That said, on to my pics.






The original RnR Heaven T-shirt. Yes, it’s all stretched out and crookedy but bear in mind that it is a 27 year old shirt, it’s only a few molecules away from disintegrating completely at this point. It’s been un-wearable for decades; I only still have it for purposes of mindless nostalgia like this. If you wore it to the store you got a 10% discount on everything you bought. I think that’s supposed to be Icarus (as in Maiden’s “Flight Of…”). What Icarus has to do with rock and roll, I don’t know. I also don’t know why the Rt. 18 flea market referred to itself as being “international”, the only difference between it and any other NJ flea market was that the quality of their merchandise was much lower.






The reverse of the shirt, featuring a somewhat morbid and rather odd list of dead rock stars (and Murry the K for some reason, who was an old-time radio DJ). When it was first conceived, RnR Heaven was a “rock and roll” imports-only shop, it just so happened that at the time all of the in-demand import records were metal records from England and Europe. A niche market was born and Jonny Z was all too happy to fill that niche. Which explains why a shop noted for being heavily associated with all things metal had an official T-shirt featuring names having little or nothing to do with “metal” at all.




This picture just screams, “future Rock and Roll Hall Of Famers”, doesn’t it? Homo-erotic catch phrases and demo titles aside, this is the tape that made Ron McGovney the answer to the trivia question he is today. You can’t see it well in this awful picture but the tape itself is very helpfully labeled “Metallica demo”, quite possibly in Johnny’s very own handwriting. I was his only customer on one especially slow Sunday afternoon in early 1983 and Jonny convinced me to drop $5 on this demo by a hot new band he was planning on seriously getting behind in a big way. I succumbed to his pitch and although I had no idea at the time, it was the start of a love-hate-more hate-even more-hate relationship that persists to this very day. Who’d have thunk it?



Note how James and Lars went out of the way to state how Cliff didn’t play bass on the demo while simultaneously ignoring the guy who did. Certain behaviors are obviously deeply rooted. I dug the demo, I liked Hetfield’s goofy high-pitched vocals and I thought the lyrics to “Jump In The Fire” and “The Mechanics” were better than the “Kill 'Em ALl” versions. It really sounded like shit though, unless you turned the bass on your stereo all the way down it was basically unlistenable, much like everything they’ve recorded since 1988 (except with those recordings it’s best to turn the VOLUME all the way down).




“Welcome To Hell” picture disc. In late 1982 into 83 Venom had developed a pretty decent following around the N.J. area. The music was laughably simplistic and the lyrics and imagery were ridiculously campy and silly, but at the time they were as “extreme” as metal got. Venom had a video for “Witching Hour” which Jonny had playing at his store on a continuous loop and it absolutely scared the shit out of random shoppers passing by. The various longhaired freaks that congregated at "the Heaven" really stood out among the old ladies shopping for cheap tube socks. When bands like Venom, Anthrax, Metallica and etc. did in-store appearances it was absolutely surreal. Guys like Cronos and Dave Mustaine got plenty of double takes while strolling around the decidedly lower-middle class flea market environment, especially when they were decked out in white furry Viking boots, fringy white leather jackets, bullet belts and hand grenades.



In '82 Jonny had promoted a few live shows. Anvil and Manowar both performed at the flea market itself (seriously) and he also promoted a Halloween show featuring Riot, Raven and Anvil. In 83 he brought Venom over from England for their first stateside appearance. “The Blitz Is On” refers to a planned series of shows that never really materialized as he envisioned, but he managed to put together some memorable concerts that year nonetheless. Unfortunately I did not attend the Venom show, a fact that still irks me to this day. My first concert ended up being the Raven/Metallica “Kill Em All For One” show that took place later in 1983. I still haven’t managed to see Venom yet and based upon projections of their current career path it’s unlikely I ever will. At this point I doubt I'm missing much anyway.





Check this out, a 45RPM Venom single (featuring “In Nomine Satanas” as the B-side). Note the Venom logo on the record label, it’s actually hand drawn with a black marker, quite possibly by a member of Venom themselves. “Bloodlust” was followed by the legendary “Black Metal” LP a few months later. I once owned a personally autographed copy of “Black Metal”; however that treasure was somehow lost to the ages. Believe it or not, I received “Black Metal” (had it signed later) as a Christmas gift from my mother, who ventured into RnR Heaven in search of a gift certificate which, of course, RnR Heaven did not offer back during those nascent days (come to think of it I'm not sure if they ever did). It is truly a testament (no pun intended) to the man’s salesmanship abilities that Johnny was able to convince my half-cool/half-clueless mom that “Black Metal” and Witchfinder General’s “Death Penalty” were the perfect Xmas gifts for the young metalhead in her life. These presents were quite a surprise to say the least, talk about being caught off-guard.






RnR Heaven’s customer base strongly advocated the killing of posers, as this poster indicates. The guy being threatened by that thrash monster is wearing a Ratt T-shirt which in 1980's NJ was a perfectly valid excuse for killing someone (as it still arguably may be now). Ever since Paul Baloff died, you don’t hear much about killing posers anymore and that’s a shame. It was a shared sentiment that really brought a tight-knit scene that much closer together. After all, what could be more metal than murdering someone because their taste in music and clothes is slightly different than yours?



About the flea market
The flea market was located in East Brunswick, NJ which is in Middlesex County. Back in the 1980’s the Middlesex County prosecutor was a guy named Rockoff (seriously). Rockoff waged this really bizarre crusade against everything related to the burgeoning metal scene. He was always in the local newspapers going on and on about backwards messages, satanic cults, the whole nine yards. He would prominently feature the poster above in his anti-metal press conferences as evidence that this metal scene led to cult activity, drug use and violence. The guy was like a character from a Twisted Sister video or something. He was, of course, mocked relentlessly via word of mouth and letters-to-the-editor because we didn’t have an Internet we could use to goof on things back in those days.


About Jonny Z
I can say with certainty that Johnny Z definitely coined the term, “power metal”. A poster for a Manowar show he was promoting (or maybe it was Exciter) contained the phrase, “The Death Of Heavy Metal…The Birth Of Power Metal”. Of all his many contributions to the genre, that may be one of his most impressive. Unfortunately I have no physical proof of this, you'll just have to trust me.


The end of an era
RnR Heaven moved to an actual storefront in Clark, NJ sometime in 1984 I believe. Clark (a blink-&-you'll-miss-it town in north-central NJ) was a considerably longer ride for me but I was still a regular customer nonetheless. The Rt. 18 shop was only open Friday, Saturday and Sunday while the Clark store had normal business hours, which was nice. I bought “Ride The Lightning” there, on that Metallica VH1 special they show a still picture of a long line of headbangers queuing up to buy their copy and I am in fact in that line. The store did pretty well in its new digs for a few years, but by 1986-87 it was all coming to a close. By that time RnR Heaven wasn’t unique anymore, you could find a healthy metal selection at pretty much any record store and all the bands once available solely via import, could be found anywhere. Jonny’s legendary record shop began to lose its relevance and quietly slipped away without much fanfare. His Megaforce label, having lost most of its heavy hitters to the major labels, re-tooled itself and got behind such bands as King’s X, Nudeswirl, Love and Rockets and String Cheese Incident, none of whom had quite the impact of his earlier acts.


He certainly left an interesting legacy which is more than a lot of people can say. His impact on many dozens of long-haired, anti-social potheads who came of age during the early to mid 1980’s in the central NJ area cannot be denied. Who knows, without Johnny Z we may have had to consider Iron Maiden the epitome of totally over-the-top insane heavy metal for several more years. Neil Turbin's voice may never have been recorded on vinyl for posterity. Billy Milano would have remained jobless and Overkill would have remained the title of a Motorhead album and nothing more. It's all too horrible to contemplate. Here’s to Jon Zazula, Rock N Roll Heaven and to all who enjoyed my humble little trip down Nostalgia Lane.

Where are they now (real estate edition): Jonny Z

SOD shirt? Check. Polka-dot suspenders? Check. Leave it to east coast Italians to set the fashion trends that the rest of us will follow for decades to come. To this day, you will never catch me at a formal function or presentation at work without rocking this very outfit.

This is a long post, so enjoy it.

As the foremost authority on washed-up metal nobodies, Metal Inquisition takes it's job seriously. It's for this very reason that we had a hard time ignoring the two emails that were sitting in our inbox, asking where "thrash metal grandfather" Jonny Z is these days. Granted, these emails were from Jonny himself, but nevertheless we found the challenge worth pursuing.

Who is Jonny Z?
If you don't know who Jonny Z is, don't worry...you're not missing much. I could play the "I'm way old school" card and make fun of you for not knowing...but really, what would that say about me? To make a big deal about my vast metal knowledge would be like bragging about the fact that I know in which episode of Perfect Strangers Balki mixes up the sugar and the salt (episode 18 by the way). While some might be impressed with such amazing knowledge, pretty much everyone would laugh at me and point...as so many people (mostly women) have done throughout my life. Having said that, I'll give you a quick rundown on why Jonny Z is mildly important, within a musical style that was itself only mildly important (more than 15 years ago) to a small group of acne-faced teenagers.

Question:
Is that Johnny Z and Billy Milano having a perfectly normal homoerotic moment at an MOD show as they both sing into a phallus....or is it two disgusting fat Italians fighting over an ice cream cone?

Answer:
Both

The facts:

Jonny Z had record store in a flea market in New Jersey. He signed Anthrax and Metallica, ran Megaforce records, and then listed himself and the Executive Producer of every horrible thrash metal album throughout the 80's, in order to keep making money off of these bands long after their members had been forced to sell their Toyota Corolla's in order to pay rent at their parent's houses. This, more or less, is all you need to know. I'll stop there, because the idea of looking into the seedy underbelly (and what a fat belly it is) of Johnny Z's musical career simply brings up troubling and painful memories for all of us. What troubling memories you ask? Well, much like a Vietnam vet has trouble sleeping under ceiling fans, I too have issues remembering all that was the 80s thrash scene, and Megaforce Record's output in particular. One part Holocaust, and one part 9-11, the musical output of Megaforce Records and the bands associated with Jonny Z are enough to make even the strongest man dry-heave. There's Overkill, Anthrax's, MOD's Surfin' MOD, not to mention the entire Testament catalog. Yes, "Practice What You Preach", I'm looking at you, and your badly mixed bass. But anyway....why are we looking into the matter of where Jonny Z is today? Well, there's those two emails from him that I mentioned earlier where he begged for some exposure in order to sell the six thousand remaining copies of the first Kings X album that are still sitting in his basement (by the way, remember how Kings X were deemed to be "the new Beatles" by the press, including Rolling Stone?) Aside from the emails urging us to talk about him, there was the unbelievable curiosity we had regarding what kind of house being the "executive producer" on Kill 'Em All, and that one live Trust album will buy you. It was with that question in mind that I released the Metal Inquisition hounds, in order to find Mr Z. By the way, I don't use the phrase "releasing the hounds" as a figure of speech. Most of our investigative reporting is done by an actual group of hounds, five well-trained dachshunds to be exact. These dachshunds have a real nose for sniffing out thrash metal empresarios, the movers and shakers of metal if you will. Sadly, because their training is in searching for "emprasarios", they returned rather quickly to the MI headquarters having found no information. I quickly realized my error. I had told them to look for an "empresario", not a fat annoying guy who is best known for his cameo in MOD's True Colors video. Having realized my error, I gave them a new task: "Go look for information about fat Italian dudes who produced Attack Of The Killer B's, and profit from the work of lesser douchebags." This was a command they understood. Sadly, they found Alex Perialas' house in Ithica NY. By the way, how great is it that if Alex Perialas, a man who accomplished so much during his life, ever Googles himself, he'll see that our blog comes up higher in the results than his own MySpace page. He recently wrote a comment on that post about his house, which leads me to believe that he's an okay guy....even if he did produce Overkill's entire catalog. His comment said:

Alex@pyramidsounstudios.com said... AP says life is good and I still know how to get a guitar tone bitches!! This site is some funny sh*t.

Thank you Alex!

Although commonly known as a trait and skill of "pointer" dogs, the Metal Inquisition dachshunds will stand, almost frozen, once they find the living quarters of any metal pseudo-celebrity. Pictured here is the littlest of the bunch, Helmut, who once stood in this very position for four hours outside an apartment that three guys from Internal Bleeding share in Long Island.

Where is Jonny Z today?

At first, I thought I had found this elusive figure of the metal world rather easily. I assumed, incorrectly, that Jonny had finally gone ahead and tried his hand at crafting his own music, rather than simply profiting from the tiny amount of talent that bands like Anthrax could piece together. I found this CD, and thought I had found my man. I quickly realized that wasn't the right Jonny. Then, I found another Johnny Z in the greater New York City area who claims to be a "maestro of sound and entertainment", which means he will DJ your son's Bar Mitzvah, or your amazingly fun company picnic. Quickly, however, I realized I had found the wrong Johnny Z. While they are both "maestros of sound and entertainment" (what would you call the I'm The Man EP after all), one was fatter than the other. With the MI hounds still out searching, I realized how horrible I really am at investigative work, and how terrible the MI dachshunds are at their job.

Damnit, wrong Johnny Z. Like the one I was looking for, this one is a washed up nobody with horrible facial hair and clothing. The difference? This guy was NOT involved in the recording of absolutely crucial albums like Raven's All For One, Ace Frehley's self titled album or any of the MOD records.

Having found the wrong Johnny Z twice over, I re-re-released the hounds...having had them smell a copy of SOD's album to track the scent. Quickly, the correct Jonny was found by the MI hounds. Redemption at last. Jonny Z, the real one, lives in Bucks County Pennsylvania. He lives right by the New Jersey border, which I fully understand. Much like flies don't often fly far away from feces...Italians don't often move far away from Jersey. My excuses to fellow poster Mr Gene Hoglan's balls who is both Italian and a Jersey resident. I know he wont be offended, however, because he knows these things are true. I mean, if I suddenly explained the concept of gravity to you...would you be offended? No, because you know it's true. You'd probably say "Right, right, I know...keep going with your story already...sheesh." So anyway, he lives in Pennsylvania now...not New York or New Jersey. Why?

At the risk of sounding like a washed up, jaded idiot...I still marvel at how the NYHC symbol was so nicely co-opted by Anthrax and Megaforce Records at large. I hope Roger Miret and the Raybeez estate get royalties from its use.

Having co-opted what little juice and iconography the New York City hardcore scene had back in the day (see picture above), I suspect that Mr Z and his family had to flee the greater New York City area in fear of retaliation from members of DMS, or perhaps because of threats from from New Jersey's own Mucky Pup. Those dudes were straight up Jersey gangsta's. Just look at this terrifying picture that the New Jersey Gang Task force sent me:

Can you really blame Jonny Z for having fled New Jersey due to fear of retaliation from Mucky Pup? These guys are a mix of extras from the Sopranos, with a tiny bit of Juggalo, and two parts douchebag thrown in for good measure. Man, nothing says class like purple MC Hammer pants, a sweet Nike tracksuit and dress shoes.

What about his house?
Funny you should ask, because the Metal Inquisition hounds came back from Bucks county quickly, and much like Lassie, their doggie noises were easy to decipher. "What is it girl? Where does he live? Near New Jersey? What? You want to take me to his house? It's by the well? Please take me there!" So I followed the hounds, and they took me here:

This well-apointed master suite is where the brains behind the entire Kings X catalog rests his weary head.

Now look...I'll be honest with you. As much as I want to laugh at the non-cohesive styling cues of the house, as much as I want to laugh about it's "1984 contractor chic" aesthetic values, or its unsuccessful blend of materials and decidedly middle class decor...I have to admit I was surprised that Mr Z could live in a house that is not falling apart. It's size alone was not what I expected. At 1.9 million dollars, in what is basically a semi-rural area of the east coast, I guess being the executive producer in Kill Em All as well as Fistful of Metal really does pay the bills. Seeing this house (all 5 bedrooms, 6 baths and 7,669 square feet of it) suddenly made me feel bad for Joey Belladonna. Why? Because earlier this year, we reported that Joey was living in upstate new york in a house that is merely valued at 300k. How can this be? Jonny Z has a nicer house than the guy who played drums in the musical epic known as I'm The Man? Life, it turns out, is not fair at all. I mean, was Jonny the one waring the indian head dress on stage for all those years? No. Was Jonny there to coach Scott Ian through his hairloss tantrums of '87? No. It was Joey who was there...and now Jonny Z has a nicer and bigger house? Joey is so broke these days, he can't even afford a full mic stand. As a result of all this information, I have finally been able to answer one of humanity's most pressing questions: Does god exist. The answer: Yes, there is a god. Sadly, like most of us, he hates Joey Belladonna.

When you look at Belladonna's entire body of work, you suddenly start to realize that "I'm The Man" as well as the outfit he wore on this picture are actually among the high points in his career. Speaking of "I"m The Man", was it really necessary to give fans like eight versions of the damn song in one EP? It's a bit like bragging about the fact that you can take a shit in eight different positions. We get the point, we're just not impressed.

Back to Jonny Z's house. As much as I was ready to laugh at his tiny, shitty house...I have to say that the house's hefty pricetag (1.9 million) left me silent. Suddenly, the Metal Inquisition offices were almost completely quiet, and all that could be heard was Seargent D practicing the main riff from Forced Entry's "Macrocosm, Microcosm" on his guitar. Putting the Forced Entry song aside, I suddenly felt guilty about having wanted Jonny Z to be living in a small house that looked like a pile of rubble, much like members from Manowar do. I remembered the last time I had a similar feeling of guilt, which was when Peter Steele of Type O Negative (and, more importantly, Carnivore) did a spread for Playgirl. I remember wanting to laugh at Mr Steele's man-junk, but when faced with photographic evidence of what he was working with...I suddenly felt shame, sadness and desperation. Wait a second...wait. Did I just willingly tell the whole world that I saw Peter Steele's Playgirl layout? Damn this truth serum, damn it all to hell!

See, I can explain...although I KNOW that my explanation sounds as made up as they come. Hear me out. When that magazine came out, I was living in Miami. My friend had introduced me to a gay friend of her's, who was an ex-punk rocker turned drag queen. A stretch, I know. This guy had the magazine, and showed it to me. I know you will all say I made this up...but it's totally true.

Okay, where was I? Oh yes, his house. So there you have it...it's big. Bigger than Joey's, and not too horrible looking considering the awful taste that Italians usually have, and the low quality of construction available in the United States.



What else is Jonny Z up to?

Like any other 57 year old man-child, Jonny has a Myspace page and a blog. It's in his blog that we can learn the most about this unlovable man...the man who first had Raven tour in the United Sates. Did you just read what I typed? This is the guy we can thank for bringing Raven to the US? Wow, next up I'll do an article about the Immigration officials who signed the visas for the 9-11 hijackers. But back to his blog. In said blog, we learn about Jonny's obsessive collecting of Nightmare Before Christmas action figures. Just read the quote below, which surely explains his passion for this movie:

“It made me think…What is this Jack really all about…is he really as deep and complex as these faces portray him….we figured there must be something more to this film…” - Jonny Z

If that statement doesn't grab you and tugs away at your heartstrings (mine are tuned to a drop C, for heavier riffing) I don't know what will. I don't know exactly what that quote means, so I'll leave it up to you to figure it out (much like a community college proffesor would when introuducing his students to Nietzsche). I do understand one portion of this quote, however, and that's the question he poses, that of there being "more to this film." As it turns out, MI staff contacted Tim Burton to see if there WAS in fact more to this film. We called his office, and identified ourselves as the guys who "wrote that funny post about the houses that the guys from Manowar live in". They hung up. So that settles that one. Oh, I forgot to mention that Jonny Z also owns an action figure store in New Hope PA, and lists the following people as his heroes:

- Malcolm X
- Ahmet Ertegun (founder of Atlantic Records)
- His wife

I'll let you all ponder that list, but rest assured that some PhD theseis work will be done on it very soon.


What do the demi-stars of thrash metal say about Jonny Z? What does the media say about Jonny Z?

I know that all of you consider us to be the absolute authorities on horrible music that no one cares about, and we thank you for that. Still, in order to keep our status as a peer-reviewed scholastic journal, we have allowed almost-well known bands comment on the man himself. Please watch the videos below.


First, let's all watch a news story about Jonny Z's Rock N' Roll heaven record store from back in the day.









In this video, Anthrax talk about the famed store that Jonny Z had in a New Jersey flea market, a store that has been discussed in every single interview that Anthrax, SOD, Raven, Venom, Testament and Overkill ever did. Megaforce Records insisted that all bands signed to the label mention the store, and Jonny's importance to the scene in all interviews. In some videos, you can actually see Jonny standing off camera pointing a gun to their bands, thus insuring that all mentions of him were included. Jonny Z is first mentioned in this video at 1:10. Please don't get distracted by the amazing poodle haircuts or hairy eyebrows.





Incredibly annoying video of Overkill, where they discuss Megaforce records and Jonny Z...as they were contractually obligated to do. Like most bands from Jersey and Long Island, Overkill claimed to be from New York City, as you can see in this video. Please note the fashion statements made in the video, which are incredibly tasteful. Notice how the one guitar player who always tried his hardest to look exactly like James Heatfiled (even using the same guitar as James and rocking the same long sweatbans on his forearms) takes a break from swinging from Metallica's balls and quickly pays homage to Max Cavalera by wearing some sensible urban camo. Johnny Z/Megaforce Records mention occurs :30 seconds in.




So what have we learned today? Absolutely nothing...except that making Lars Ulrich share some of his wealth as a result of you having been the executive producer on one of his albums almost 30 years ago will buy you an almost-nice house in Eastern Pennsylvania. Class dismissed.

Metal Inquisition Investigative Report: Metal Real Estate (Part 4)

As I've stated before, one unfortunate aspect of metal is the lack of information about the earnings of metal musicians. In sports, for example, this type of information is often public. Why not in metal? I have long asked for complete transparency in the realm of metal...but my calls to Steamhammer records have gone unanswered, so too have my faxes to Wild Rags. It's for this reason that we here at Metal Inquisition have decided to roll up our sleeves and once again check into these matters the only way we know how. Real estate.

It just so happened that as we were starting this investigation, a fantastic email from a reader who lives in the same town as Manowar came into our mailbox. The email featured all kinds of fantastic insight as to what it's like to be at ground zero of the Manowar epidemic. Notice that I use the term "ground zero", which is often used in the context of 9-11...because in a way, Manowar itself is a good bit like a musical 9-11.

Manowar...pioneers in homoerotic attire since 1980.

As with all information we publish, we had to be thorough in checking out just how factual the reader's information was. As it turns out, it all checked out in multiple ways...and thank god for that. As a result of his email, our readers will now have a more thorough picture of what it's really like to be in and around Manowar. Prepare yourself...you are moments away from reading about how the KINGS OF METAL really live their lives. It's gonna' be a bumpy ride. Get ready.




FACT #1: Joey DeMaio lives in the basement of his parents' house in Auburn NY

I know, it's not hard to believe at all. Actually, it's barely shocking...but knowing that it's actually true is simply fantastic. It's a bit like when the gay community found out that Rosie O'Donnell was actually a lesbian. They already knew about it...but having it out in the open gave them all the ability to finally move on.


This is the house Joey lives in. It's worth $190,000. As before, our non-American readers can convert this amount, and other amounts in this article, into their own currency here. Yes, it's out of the basement of this house that Joey runs his musical empire. Maybe when his parents move away or retire in Boca, he'll inherit the house. Could that be his sweet Ford Probe out front? Nothing says "metal" like a fifteen year old American coupe with four cylinders that puts out a "meh" inducing 110 horse power. By the way, look at all the weeds growing in and around the driveway...Joey's mom is going to be pissed! Joey better get out there and do some weeding...pronto! I can hear her saying "Joey, I don't care if you are the King Of Metal. You better be the King Of Weeding, go out there and take care of that driveway!"

Who's that sexy Italian beast wearing the karate uniform? And what about that Casio watch and platform shoes? It's the one and only king of metal of course! He probably keeps this amazing outfit in a closet at his mom's house. Mom threatens to throw it out during every spring cleaning...and Joey flips out each and every time.

As much of a pain as it probably is to have a leech like Joey living in your basement, he also happens to be a nice Catholic boy. Oh yes indeed. Joey is a member of the Knights Of Malta, a catholic order of some kind with a very confusing history. Check out Joey wearing some sweet robes. He looks like an aging, upstate New York, Italian dracula:



Can you imagine being Joey's mom, and seeing him in his dracula robe, or his furry armor sneaking fat 19 year old girls down into the basement? The woman is a saint.

Here we see Joey with his parents, who no doubt cry themselves to sleep over what a joke their pathetic son has turned out to be. See the microwave oven in the back? That's where Joey's mom has tried to put her head during numerous suicide attempts.

Regarding Joey, our reader states:

I have the great misfortune being from the same shithole town as Manowar. One of the perks of living here, though, is that I can get close looks at Joey DeMaio's thinning, dyed hair as he shops for broccoli at the local grocery store. You see dudes wearing Manowar shirts around town all the time. Guys of that age probably went to high school with them, and knew them before they were 'rock stars'. I can imagine how things were in the early 80's when all the local scumbags were into metal. Now, things have changed all of their illegitimate children are a bunch of wiggers. I don't know what's worse.

FACT #2: Karl Logan wears a fanny pack, and gives guitar lessons to 11 year olds.

I know, I know...these are not exactly revelations, but aren't you grateful to know these things are actually true? Our reader also filled us in on the fact that Karl lives in this house (see below), which he rents. Since he rents, I wont bother giving you the price...but looking at the picture, I think you'll agree that you could probably trade a bag of potatoes for it.

The building where Karl Logan lives, which was previously Manowar's practice space. What did you expect...a castle with torches and a mote?

Our reader tells us more:

Karl Logan is the local guitar teacher and lives in some shitty old building that Manowar used to rehearse in. He drives a beat up pickup with "9/11 was a lie" bumper stickers on it. Did I mention he wears a fanny pack everywhere? Living here, I get to see Karl pulling cash out of the fanny pack he wears everywhere to pay for his coffee (dude kinda reminds me of Mantas in that laugh-out-loud funny looking kinda way).

FACT #3: Eric Adams works construction to make ends meet

I know, I know...you probably figured that this was the case. I wish I lived in Auburn so I could have Eric Adams come and do the drywall in my basement. I would blast Manowar upstairs as he huffed and puffed carrying sheets of drywall down the steps. Can you imagine? It would be amazing. Mr. Adams lives in a modest home. A VERY modest home that costs $69,000.

Look above the door, at least the guy has satellite TV. Good for him. I guess you could call this "the house that being the King of Metal built", or "the house that singing at children's parties built". Either will do.

As pointed out by one of our readers, Eric also teaches archery classes at the local Bass Pro Shop. You can read about his hunting abilities in the local news sources here. Eric also seems to perform music at children's festivals. But don't judge him, I'm sure he performs a catalog that is very high in metal content.

Much like a dead bird's feathers which loose their luster after the years, Eric's hair appears to loose both its pizzazz and its hair dye when he's not on the road. What the hell kind of hair color has his plumage faded down to? Is he trying to blend into the surroundings as part of his camouflage? I can't believe he gets away with hunting when he lives so close to Syracuse. If Karl Crisis hears about this, there's gonna' be trouble.

Our reporter on the street tells us:

I get to eavesdrop on Eric Adams' (real name Lou Marullo, his stage name is a combination of his kids' names) tales of glory at recent European festivals, while watching high school football games. Eric lives in a small house, right next door to a metal foundry on some depressing little street. Perhaps that's where they get their swords made. He does construction work on his off time from the band, which probably equates to 11 months a year. One of his kids is in a joke cover band called Motley Crouton that plays the shithole bars around here.

Sweet 'stache Eric...now go do my drywall!

If you want to go further into the world of all things Manowar, check out Eric's son's MySpace page here. You can also check out his band's page here.

In closing:
Do any readers have any input about other metal demi-stars, their monetary earnings or real estate holdings? Let us know.

Also, if the reader who sent us this email, or any other resident of Auburn can send in pictures of Eric carrying drywall, or Joey buying broccoli...you'll get many, many thanks from us, and the entire world. The only guy who won't thank you will be this 17 year old who just got inked. Imagine his surprise when he figures out that he makes more money bagging groceries part-time than Joey does. Ouch.



In the past, postings about Machine Head and Rob Flynn's Disease (RFD for short) got us an insane number of page views, mostly from angry fans. Our posts also initiated heated, angry diatribes in Machine Head boards. Let's see what this post does to Manowar fans. I can't wait.

Metal Inquisition Investigative Report: Metal Real Estate (Part 3)

Nothing says "sexy" like a greasy Italian dude wearing a satin jacket.

Those of you who follow us on Twitter may have seen my tweet (that's what Twitter posts are called, so the kids tell me) some weeks ago, in which the following comment was accompanied by the image below:

"When you are homeless like Joey Belladonna, your winter gloves become your toilet paper"

Now, I must admit that the image above does not depict Joey Belladonna's poo. As a matter of fact, that post was just a way for me to insert that rancid image in everyone's mind. If I had to see it (and take a picture of it) why shouldn't everyone else be traumatized as well?

After uploading that image, I began to wonder what kind of a house Joey actually could afford. What type of home can you buy with all that State Of Euphoria money? It sounded like a job for the M.I. investigative team. I rounded up the troops (to do so, I point a spotlight at the sky, much like Batman, but in our case it's not a bat that shines in the sky, but the swirly thing from the State of Euphoria record) and we got to work. We hope you enjoy our report:



As Metal Inquisition staffers grow older, our attention has turned from musician's accomplishments on stage, to those off stage. When we were 15, we all thought dudes in metal bands looked cool (at least most of them) and we cared about little else. Now as we age, we start to wonder "how much money is he making?", as well as "does he live with his parents?" Little to no information is available regarding the kind of money you can make by playing metal for a living. We wanted to know. We have chosen, once again, to do this the only way we know how...by looking into real estate holdings of a metal demi-star (see here and here.) This time around, we are looking into the pockets of metal's most beloved Italian crooner, Joey Belladonna.

Where's the other half of his mic stand? We will never know.

Known to most simply as the guy behind the mic (and the tiny mic stand it was attached to) at Anthrax shows, Belladonna has always been a bit of an enigma. Afterall, how many Italian guys (real name Bellardini by the way, even more Italan that Belladonna) do you know who write "Injun" on their hat, and parade around in full native american head dress? Also a mystery about Joey...why didn't he ever get that one crooked tooth fixed. We'll never know. What we do know about is real estate.

Does Joey live in a fantastic triplex penthouse in the Upper West Side? A trendy loft in Chelsea? Has he moved to the West coast to live in Malibu? Close. Turns out, Joey lives in a suburb of Syracuse called Camillus. Perhaps readers from the area can fill us in as to what type of town it is...and if it is in fact a suburb or more of a town near Syracuse. Either way, this is where our beloved Italian Injun hangs his head dress.

I guess you could say that this is the house that "I'm The Man" built.

The home costs $311,000, not bad I guess, but not all that impressive either. For all of our non-American readers, you can figure out the exchange rate into your native currency here. The house has three bedrooms, was built in 1990, and has 2600 square feet of living space. Perhaps the most intriguing thing about the house is that it has no central air conditioning. I know that to our non American readers this may seem normal...but for a house in the US to not have A/C (particularly one this size that was built in 1990) is downright strange, even in upstate New York. Why would Joey not have air conditioning in his house? It could only be for one reason. In order to recreate his glory days on stage with Anthrax, Joey parades around his house wearing the indian head dress as he orders people around with his tiny mic stand. "Kids, do the dishes. Take out the trash!" and then when the kids disobey him, he promptly yells out "NOT!" Due to the lack of A/C, Joey sweats profusely (as all Italians do), as he did on stage back then. In doing so, he replicates an Anthrax concert in the comfort of his home. As part of that recreation, he probably has cardboard cutouts of Anthrax members which he also orders around. If any readers out there have a better suggestion, please let me know.

Two other things worth noting about the home. Why is there a van parked in the driveway? Is Joey installing satellite dishes to make ends meet? Also, why is all the grass dead around his house? Does Joey have the opposite of the Midas touch? Does everything he touch die, much like his solo career? Lastly, if you're wondering why there's a jungle gym and slide in the back yard, that's in case Danny Spitz comes to visit. Gotta' keep that lil' guy happy.

On a closing note, please look at this snapshot I took from Joey's entry in Wikipedia. I don't know if this will still be up by the time you read this. Wikipedia correctly states that:

1. Joey's genitalia was used as a mold for a best selling dildo.
2. Joey's hair can be fashioned into the only weapon known to hurt Chuck Norris.

Whoever tells you that Wikipedia is not a reliable source, has not done their homework.

Metal Spokesmen: An Overview (Part 3 of 3)

One of the most ebullient TV spokesmen, Tony Little has been a fixture in American television for decades, selling his exercise equipment while sporting his fantastic hat/pony tail combo. Though you may think someone like Tony Little probably has nothing to do with the world of metal, you'd be wrong. Read on, and you will see just how similar Manowar's spokesman is to Tony Little.

This is the final post of our three post series about spokesmen in the realm of metal. I'm sorry about the fact that it took three full posts, but there were simply way too many to put in one post.

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Homoerotic warrior


Largely based on He-Man action figures, Manowar's warrior is the pinnacle of homoeroticism in the world of metal, perhaps only beaten by those pictures of Manowar wearing furry armor. For some reason, Manowar's warrior enjoys wearing a spiked cockring around his leg, don't ask me why. Upstate New York is a fucked up place.

Coolness: 2
Evilness: 1
Backpatch worthiness: 7

Total MSM score: 10



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Crazy Mask Guy

If I ever end up in a mental institution, I hope they give me a cool red leather straight jacket.

Though hardly metal, Quiet Riot also attempted to have a spokesperson. Their answer came in the shape of this crazy dude with a mask, who they used in multiple covers. Like Vic and Eddie, he was played by an actual person on their videos. I don't have much to say about this character, except that I highly doubt that mental health professionals would allow him to keep pins of his favorite band on his red leather straight jacket. Sorry, I can only suspend disbelief for so long. Oh, and one last thing. The pun in this album's name took me about ten years to get. I'm retarded.

Coolness: 4
Evilness: 2
Backpatch worthiness: 3

Total MSM score: 9



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Gas Mask Guy


Somewhat related to Sacred Reich's masked surfer, Sodom's spokesmen was a faceless soldier with the standard issue gas mask. Again, what in the hell was the obsession with toxic waste and gas masks in the 80s? Aside from the fact that he was often drawn rather badly (on this cover, he looks like he's melting), the concept was strong and certainly set the mood. Another plus about this character is that he took our attention away from the Sodom logo, which looks like it was drawn by a drunk 5 year old. I know some people like the logo (the same idiots who like all those scrawny, asymmetrical black metal logos), but I don't care. You're all wrong. As a spokesperson, I picture this masked guy on the Home Shopping Network pitching the new Sodom album. Due to his mask, he'd be barely audible. Sales would plummet, and he'd be fired. He would be replaced by Sacred Reich's masked surfer who is currently out of work.

Coolness: 6
Evilness: 7
Backpatch worthiness: 7

Total MSM score: 20



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Helmet-wearing Skull Dude



One of the lesser known spokesmen in the world of metal is Rumble Militia's helmet-wearing skull dude. Though the lyrical content in this album deals largely with concepts like racial equality and the like...these Germans seem pretty comfortable making their spokesman wear a godamned Nazi helmet. I don't get it. Yes, I noticed that he has a red star on the helmet and a red shirt with a star...but come on. My brother and I bought this tape in 1991 because the band was on Century Media. Boy were we let down. Aside from one rather poppy song that I've had stuck in my head ever since, the album is a pile of doo-doo. Still, you have to give them props for stepping up to the spokesperson arena and throwing their Nazi helmet into the ring.

Coolness: 2
Evilness: 4 (He's wearing a Nazi helmet for god's sake!)
Backpatch worthiness: 0

Total MSM score: 6


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Vic Rattlehead

Oh my god, do you see the sticker on the cover of this single? It came with a free Vic mask? Holy crap! How badly do I want to fire up the Nocturnus time machine in order to go buy one of these!

Perhaps one of the best known metal spokesmen is Vic Rattlehead. He's also one of the few (if not the only) to have a last name. This is both a testament to Mustaine's stupidity and stubborness. Vic's last name is also the super-secret name under which Megadeth books itself to play incognito shows, Vic And The Rattleheads. Shhhh, don't tell anyone. It's a secret. Anyway, Vic is a jack of all trades. Like Eddie, he's extremely versatile and able to play a scientist, orchestra conductor, a zombie and so many other roles. Like Laaz Rockit's angry army guy, Vic has had the honor of coming to life in video form. In Hangar 18, he came to life as a dude wearing a mask and holding skeleton hands out of his sleeves. If you are interested in that video, you can enjoy my full review of it here. Vic was also seen in photographic depiction on the cover of So Far, So Good, So What. If you're going to ask me why Vic is on the moon on that cover (see the earth over his shoulder?), I have no idea. I also don't think that things like grenades would work on the moon, since I think they need air to explode. I've heard that you actually can shoot guns in the moon though...but whatever. The bigger question is: why are Vic's sunglasses riveted on? Why are the wires from his headphones chains? Are those headphones Ipod compatible? Vic gives us more questions than answers. Just like Megadeth, because I know when I heard their music, I always ask "who listens to this?" One last note, did you know that Dave Mustaine held a contest recently so that fans could redesign Vic? Oh, it's true. See the finalists here.

Coolness: 6
Evilness: 5
Backpatch worthiness: 7

Total MSM score: 18


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Overall Results:
The Voivod skull is the winner, with Sergeant D as a close second. If you care about these very important results, please double check my math, because I barely paid attention when adding.

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Honorable Mentions:
DRI (Moshing/running dude), Misfits (Crimson Ghost), Danzig/Samhain (Goat Skull Thing), Motorhead (Screaming skull/helmet thing which a reader informs us is called "Snaggletooth B. Motörhead"), C.O.C's (Toxic skull thing), Blind Guardian (Robed wizard guy). Any others we forgot? I'm sure there's plenty more.

Metal Spokesmen: An Overview (Part 1 of 3)

If you've watched any American television, you've probably seen plenty of infomercials, and thus come to understand the importance of having a great spokesperson for your product. Pictured above is the exuberant and ever-present Billy Mays, who is basically like Iron Maiden's Eddie, but for Oxy Clean, and numerous other cleaning products. In the world of metal, the role of spokesman was basically started by Eddie, who has single-handedly come to represent Iron Maiden. Notice that I use the word "spokesman", not "mascot", as I see the spokesman's role as extending past that of a mascot. In this post (1 of 2) I will survey the metal landscape in order to further understand Eddie and other metal spokesmen. I will be rating them all according to my Metal Spokesman Metrics (MSM for short). Note: the scores I will give are for the spokesperson and their value, not the band or their output.


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Eddie

I hope Eddie's insurance through Iron Maiden Corp. includes dental coverage...because eating those letters made of stone can be hard on enamel.

Eddie IS Iron Maiden. Eddie could probably go on the Home Shopping Network and sell Maiden jackets and bandanas with ease. He's the embodiment of the metal spokesperson. I imagine his voice being soothing, with a pleasant but not overbearing British accent. I'm sure he'd have his moments of anger on camera while on the Home Shopping Network...perhaps if he didn't know which camera to show the bandana to...but aside from that, he'd be a pro.

Over the years, other bands have tried to jump on the spokesman bandwagon, trying to create an identifiable brand that would create continuity in their artwork and stage shows. Eddie's versatility over the years has been truly amazing. Even though the guy seems to have no brain, and only two screws hold his skull shut, he's been able to play a mental patient, a pilot, a soldier...the list goes on and on. The guy is like the Sean Connery of metal. In a shockingly postmodern/self-referential turn, Eddie has even been asked to play a member of the very band he represents! Amazing, I know! I should tell you that I object to the fact that Maiden has fired Derek Riggs, the man who created Eddie. Looking at the current work he's doing, however, perhaps it's for the best. Take a look for yourself. By the way, did everyone see that awful video a few years ago where members of the band were racing cars inside Eddie? I think the animation was done by students at DeVry.

Coolness: 6
Evilness: 8
Backpatch worthiness: 7

Total MSM score: 21




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Sergeant D

Could someone please explain to me what the background behind Sergeant D's head is supposed to be? Why is his head floating? Is his head mounted on a wall like a deer or something? Did Charlie just take so long to draw the face that after he was done he just said "Ah, fuck it, I'll just draw some crap as the background, I'm tired"

Sergeant D was a fictional character that members of SOD made up. I've heard them explain it as him being a "funny fascist character" before. I don't know how funny fascism can be, maybe Mr. Gene Hoglan's Balls can ask his Italian family members and let us know. I know when I think "funny", I think "fascist". Don't you? Anyway, the character was drawn with felt-tip markers (you can see it very clearly, along with the ballpoint pen lines on the LP) by Charlie. I've never understood what the background behind Sergeant D is supposed to be. Are those two metal swords with a wooden fence behind them? Why is Sergeant D's head floating magically? It also took me forever to realize that the thing in his mouth was a cigar. Charlie's foreshortening needs some work...or perhaps I need glasses. Also, if he's a "fascist" why does he have an anarchy sign on his helmet? I would say that an oppressive, totalitarian state is kinda' diametrically opposed to the concept of anarchy. No?

SOD has continued to use the character, even going as far as having him replace Eddie on the cover of one of their horrible albums. Billy Milano went on to use the same character, more or less, for MOD. And why wouldn't he? He already stole the name and the concept of the band to keep himself from starving to death. Okay, so the band name is one letter off. As I've said before, that would be like Dave Mustaine starting a band called Netallica after being kicked out of Metallica.


Coolness: 6
Evilness: 9 (He's a fascist/nazi corpse! That's plenty evil in my book.)
Backpatch worthiness: 9 (I had a small patch of the cover on my jacket, back before I knew English. Imagine my surprise when I learned English and figured out what the patch said!)

Total MSM score: 24



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Drunk Alien

Is he flying around space in his refrigerator spaceship? Damn, Germans have ALL the cool technology!

I don't know a whole lot about Tankard's drunken alien. Partially inspired by the movie Gremlins, this fun loving character appears to enjoy alcoholic beverages from planet earth, kinda like ALF and cats. The idea of having a cute spokesman like this for your metal band is ridiculous. I get it, you're a fun German band made up of fat drunks...but having a Gremlin on your covers really ruins the whole concept as far as I'm concerned.


Coolness: 2
Evilness: 1 (I guess I'd be kinda' scared if I woke up and saw a German Gremlin going through my fridge)
Backpatch worthiness: 0

Total MSM score: 2 (*Mathematical error noted)


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Angry Army Dude

While many thrash bands in the 80's were big fans of pseudo political content with slight lefty leanings, Laaz Rockit chose to keep it real by making an insane American army dude their spokesperson. USA! USA! USA!

Never one to innovate in any way, Laaz Rockit jumped into the spokesman arena with their angry, army guy. Clearly influenced by Rambo, this american lunatic is out to make things right for the USA. The character was seen on a few record covers and even made an appearance in Rockit's seminal video for "Fire In The Hole". In that video, the character was apparently played by the same buy who played Drago in Rocky V. I should also mention that Laaz Rockit, like Helloween, had some branding issues. At one point the band tried to change things up by going with a mad scientist whose insides were made out of toxic goo as their spokesperson. This direction didn't last. By the way, what the hell was it with thrash bands in the 80's being obsessed with toxic waste? Look for a post about that in the near future.

Coolness: 6
Evilness: 5
Backpatch worthiness: 2

Total MSM score: 13


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Fun Pumpkin/Faceless Robe Guy

Like so many things about Germany, Helloween's spokesperson schizophrenia expresses the duality of a country still coming to grips with its political past.

Helloween tried two different directions when it came to choosing a spokesperson. First, they went with the creepy faceless dude wearing a robe. This certainly made them seem scary and magical in a way...kinda like Lord Of the Rings or something. Then, a change happened. The band wanted to be more fun, perhaps influenced by members of Anthrax wearing shorts. They wanted to have the audience sing "Happy Helloween" to the tune of "London Bridge Is Fallin' Down" in the I Want Out live EP. As a result of this change in direction, the creepy dude simply didn't cut it. So they went to the fun pumpkin guy. Personally, I like the faceless dude more...even if it's a mismatch for their musical output. I will judge both combined.


Coolness: 5
Evilness: 4 (faceless guy is cool, but the pumpkin takes it right back down)
Backpatch worthiness: 5

Total MSM score: 14



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Flying Skull/Bat Thing

I don't know why that dude is hiding from the flying skull with bat wings, but he better watch out! That thing is shooting godamned lasers out of its eyes!

Perhaps best known for its appearance in the the Hello From The Gutter video, and thus subsequently being referenced by Bevis and Butthead, Overkill's flying skull thing has been a mainstay of Overkill's artwork from the band's start. In order to educate our readers, I should tell you that Overkill's spokesperson (not mascot damnit, these entities are integral parts of the band's brand), is named "Chaly", I don't know why. Wikipedia says:

The band also has a notable mascot (named Chaly), a skeletal bat with a skull-like face, bony wings, and green eyes. It has appeared on most of their album covers.

I'm not sure exactly how a human skull can have bat wings which are themselves not bones, but have flesh on them. This apparent mutation is exactly the type of thing that can only happen in Overkill's home state of New Jersey.

Coolness: 6
Evilness: 8 (You can laugh all you want, but if you were being chased by a flying skull...you'd agree that this thing is pretty evil)
Backpatch worthiness: 4

Total MSM score: 18

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On Monday, part 2 will be posted. It will feature the likes of Sodom , Sacred Reich, Voivod, Anthrax, Megadeth, Quiet Riot, and even Rumble Militia. Stay tuned.