A gregarious bunch of leather daddies or a budget Italian power metal band? You decide!
I know that making fun of Italian metal is easy. It's like when the two inbred main characters have sex with the retarded girl in Gummo. It's almost too easy, but I just can't help myself. See, a while back the Sarge introduced us to the world of budget slam metal, perhaps best exemplified by Artery Eruption, and now I'd like to introduce you to the kings of budget Italian power metal--Kaledon. These Roman warriors have displayed an undying allegiance to all things lo-fi and low-budget that has left them unchallenged atop the steaming pile of shit that is budget Italian power metal.
Here we see the crowd (all two of them) going wild as Kaledon performs their smash hit "Spirit of the Dragon." A force of nature, Kaledon is best experienced live as the sheer sonic force of their performances have been credited with causing at least a half dozen suicides across the Lazio region.
This reminds me of the kind of picture I would expect to see hanging up in the dining room of any number of my Italian family members. You see Italian dining rooms are not actually meant for dining, they're more for show. That's where you display all the wonderful useless shit you got at your wedding 30 years ago like your gigantic china closet filled with fine china you never use--you know, the good stuff--along with your crystal and your special silverware (the kind that's actually made of silver). You'll usually also find an enormous dining table covered in a gawdy white lace tablecloth some grandmother spent a lifetime making. If your Italian family is anything like mine then the dining table chairs are probably hermetically sealed in plastic and will never be exposed to the elements. And no matter how big of a loser he may be, an Italian mother will always be proud of her son because he is her pride and joy and so she will have several photo albums worth of embarassing pictures of him and she will gladly display a picture from his first communion right next to the picture he took with his friends out near the Roman Aqueduct while dressed like a gang of child molesting Renaissance fairies in a gigantic gold plated frame. Mama is especially proud of that 12 inch boner you're smuggling in your leather pants.
More often than not "serious musicians" are all business, but not the ragazzi of Kaledon! It's refreshing to see that the boys can just as easily spend a day relaxing in the studio, joking around and having a good time instead of spending hours carefully trimming their facial hair while their little sister repeatedly bangs on the bathroom door because she has to pee and dad yells to finish jerking off and get out of the bathroom because he has to take a shit.
One thing you could never accuse Kaledon of doing is progressing. Just look at the cover of their debut album, Legend of the Forgotten Reign - Chapter 1: The Destruction.
Now take a look at the cover of their most recent album, 2008's Legend of the Forgotten Reign - Chapter 5: A New Era Begins.
From the unforgettable amateur paintbrush to the utterly forgettable amateur computer illustration, Kaledon is never content to rest on their laurels. They've never let their complete and utter lack of talent stop them before so why start now?
I'd like to leave you with what I think is the most compelling piece of evidence in the case for Kaledon's budget Italian power metal supremacy--the music video for their hit single "The New Kingdom." I could spend days tearing apart every frame, but instead let me just point out how proud they are of their packages as we once again see a band member proudly displaying his manhood in his way-too-tight white linen pants. It's impossible not to notice the tremendously low production values of this video, but it's obvious that the men of Kaledon make up for what they lack financially with their boundless enthusiasm for their horrible music. It's hard not to admire that kind of dedication. Against all odds and good sense, Kaledon endures and to that I must say--forza, Kaledon!
As an added bonus for our Italian speaking readers enjoy this equally retarded parody video:
Much in the way that the original Saved By The Bell brought us Saved By The Bell, The College Years, Metal Inquisition is now producing yet another spinoff. Not content with having to limit my cycling content to mere pictures of bloodied men wearing lycra, I have decided to start my own forum for such non-metal content. Look, I fully understand that most (if not all) of you have no interest in men with shaved legs wearing colorful jerseys that are skin tight...and really, who can blame you?
Although I don't believe that my predilection for this unusual sport has tainted my work here at MI, I do believe I stand a better chance of getting free crap by starting another blog purely devoted to cycling. Okay, I'm kinda' joking about getting free stuff. Anyway, this new blog's name is (drumroll please) Cycling Inquisition. I know, I know...it's an insanely lame name for a blog. I couldn't think of anything else, and thought I could greatly benefit from the brand equity that we have created here at MI. Much like Billy Milano decided to name his band MOD after having been in SOD...I have decided to rip off the blog's name. I'm the Billy Milano of the blog world...ehhhh...lame. Please don't point out how the name doesn't make any sense, because I know it doesn't. I just couldn't think of anything else. Although I guess it kinda' makes sense...if you assume that I want to convert the entire world into cyclists or cycling fans...which is not true at all...since I couldn't possibly care less. Still, if any of you have a better name, tell me and I'll gladly change it.
So, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I shall be reborn and hope to bring the very few who may follow me some amusing content. Needless to say, I'm not leaving MI at all. Metal is in my blood, and I can never turn my back from it. As such, I will do double duties and attempt to bring the world even more of my hilarious insight...the type of insight and commentary that keeps you all coming back. Cheers.
SOD shirt? Check. Polka-dot suspenders? Check. Leave it to east coast Italians to set the fashion trends that the rest of us will follow for decades to come. To this day, you will never catch me at a formal function or presentation at work without rocking this very outfit.
This is a long post, so enjoy it.
As the foremost authority on washed-up metal nobodies, Metal Inquisition takes it's job seriously. It's for this very reason that we had a hard time ignoring the two emails that were sitting in our inbox, asking where "thrash metal grandfather" Jonny Z is these days. Granted, these emails were from Jonny himself, but nevertheless we found the challenge worth pursuing.
Who is Jonny Z? If you don't know who Jonny Z is, don't worry...you're not missing much. I could play the "I'm way old school" card and make fun of you for not knowing...but really, what would that say about me? To make a big deal about my vast metal knowledge would be like bragging about the fact that I know in which episode of Perfect Strangers Balki mixes up the sugar and the salt (episode 18 by the way). While some might be impressed with such amazing knowledge, pretty much everyone would laugh at me and point...as so many people (mostly women) have done throughout my life. Having said that, I'll give you a quick rundown on why Jonny Z is mildly important, within a musical style that was itself only mildly important (more than 15 years ago) to a small group of acne-faced teenagers.
Question: Is that Johnny Z and Billy Milano having a perfectly normal homoerotic moment at an MOD show as they both sing into a phallus....or is it two disgusting fat Italians fighting over an ice cream cone?
Answer: Both
The facts:
Jonny Z had record store in a flea market in New Jersey. He signed Anthrax and Metallica, ran Megaforce records, and then listed himself and the Executive Producer of every horrible thrash metal album throughout the 80's, in order to keep making money off of these bands long after their members had been forced to sell their Toyota Corolla's in order to pay rent at their parent's houses. This, more or less, is all you need to know. I'll stop there, because the idea of looking into the seedy underbelly (and what a fat belly it is) of Johnny Z's musical career simply brings up troubling and painful memories for all of us. What troubling memories you ask? Well, much like a Vietnam vet has trouble sleeping under ceiling fans, I too have issues remembering all that was the 80s thrash scene, and Megaforce Record's output in particular. One part Holocaust, and one part 9-11, the musical output of Megaforce Records and the bands associated with Jonny Z are enough to make even the strongest man dry-heave. There's Overkill, Anthrax's, MOD's Surfin' MOD, not to mention the entire Testament catalog. Yes, "Practice What You Preach", I'm looking at you, and your badly mixed bass. But anyway....why are we looking into the matter of where Jonny Z is today? Well, there's those two emails from him that I mentioned earlier where he begged for some exposure in order to sell the six thousand remaining copies of the first Kings X album that are still sitting in his basement (by the way, remember how Kings X were deemed to be "the new Beatles" by the press, including Rolling Stone?) Aside from the emails urging us to talk about him, there was the unbelievable curiosity we had regarding what kind of house being the "executive producer" on Kill 'Em All, and that one live Trust album will buy you. It was with that question in mind that I released the Metal Inquisition hounds, in order to find Mr Z. By the way, I don't use the phrase "releasing the hounds" as a figure of speech. Most of our investigative reporting is done by an actual group of hounds, five well-trained dachshunds to be exact. These dachshunds have a real nose for sniffing out thrash metal empresarios, the movers and shakers of metal if you will. Sadly, because their training is in searching for "emprasarios", they returned rather quickly to the MI headquarters having found no information. I quickly realized my error. I had told them to look for an "empresario", not a fat annoying guy who is best known for his cameo in MOD's True Colors video. Having realized my error, I gave them a new task: "Go look for information about fat Italian dudes who produced Attack Of The Killer B's, and profit from the work of lesser douchebags." This was a command they understood. Sadly, they found Alex Perialas' house in Ithica NY. By the way, how great is it that if Alex Perialas, a man who accomplished so much during his life, ever Googles himself, he'll see that our blog comes up higher in the results than his own MySpace page. He recently wrote a comment on that post about his house, which leads me to believe that he's an okay guy....even if he did produce Overkill's entire catalog. His comment said:
Alex@pyramidsounstudios.com said... AP says life is good and I still know how to get a guitar tone bitches!! This site is some funny sh*t.
Thank you Alex!
Although commonly known as a trait and skill of "pointer" dogs, the Metal Inquisition dachshunds will stand, almost frozen, once they find the living quarters of any metal pseudo-celebrity. Pictured here is the littlest of the bunch, Helmut, who once stood in this very position for four hours outside an apartment that three guys from Internal Bleeding share in Long Island.
Where is Jonny Z today?
At first, I thought I had found this elusive figure of the metal world rather easily. I assumed, incorrectly, that Jonny had finally gone ahead and tried his hand at crafting his own music, rather than simply profiting from the tiny amount of talent that bands like Anthrax could piece together. I found this CD, and thought I had found my man. I quickly realized that wasn't the right Jonny. Then, I found another Johnny Z in the greater New York City area who claims to be a "maestro of sound and entertainment", which means he will DJ your son's Bar Mitzvah, or your amazingly fun company picnic. Quickly, however, I realized I had found the wrong Johnny Z. While they are both "maestros of sound and entertainment" (what would you call the I'm The Man EP after all), one was fatter than the other. With the MI hounds still out searching, I realized how horrible I really am at investigative work, and how terrible the MI dachshunds are at their job.
Damnit, wrong Johnny Z. Like the one I was looking for, this one is a washed up nobody with horrible facial hair and clothing. The difference? This guy was NOT involved in the recording of absolutely crucial albums like Raven's All For One, Ace Frehley's self titled album or any of the MOD records.
Having found the wrong Johnny Z twice over, I re-re-released the hounds...having had them smell a copy of SOD's album to track the scent. Quickly, the correct Jonny was found by the MI hounds. Redemption at last. Jonny Z, the real one, lives in Bucks County Pennsylvania. He lives right by the New Jersey border, which I fully understand. Much like flies don't often fly far away from feces...Italians don't often move far away from Jersey. My excuses to fellow poster Mr Gene Hoglan's balls who is both Italian and a Jersey resident. I know he wont be offended, however, because he knows these things are true. I mean, if I suddenly explained the concept of gravity to you...would you be offended? No, because you know it's true. You'd probably say "Right, right, I know...keep going with your story already...sheesh." So anyway, he lives in Pennsylvania now...not New York or New Jersey. Why?
At the risk of sounding like a washed up, jaded idiot...I still marvel at how the NYHC symbol was so nicely co-opted by Anthrax and Megaforce Records at large. I hope Roger Miret and the Raybeez estate get royalties from its use.
Having co-opted what little juice and iconography the New York City hardcore scene had back in the day (see picture above), I suspect that Mr Z and his family had to flee the greater New York City area in fear of retaliation from members of DMS, or perhaps because of threats from from New Jersey's own Mucky Pup. Those dudes were straight up Jersey gangsta's. Just look at this terrifying picture that the New Jersey Gang Task force sent me:
Can you really blame Jonny Z for having fled New Jersey due to fear of retaliation from Mucky Pup? These guys are a mix of extras from the Sopranos, with a tiny bit of Juggalo, and two parts douchebag thrown in for good measure. Man, nothing says class like purple MC Hammer pants, a sweet Nike tracksuit and dress shoes.
What about his house? Funny you should ask, because the Metal Inquisition hounds came back from Bucks county quickly, and much like Lassie, their doggie noises were easy to decipher. "What is it girl? Where does he live? Near New Jersey? What? You want to take me to his house? It's by the well? Please take me there!" So I followed the hounds, and they took me here:
This well-apointed master suite is where the brains behind the entire Kings X catalog rests his weary head.
Now look...I'll be honest with you. As much as I want to laugh at the non-cohesive styling cues of the house, as much as I want to laugh about it's "1984 contractor chic" aesthetic values, or its unsuccessful blend of materials and decidedly middle class decor...I have to admit I was surprised that Mr Z could live in a house that is not falling apart. It's size alone was not what I expected. At 1.9 million dollars, in what is basically a semi-rural area of the east coast, I guess being the executive producer in Kill Em All as well as Fistful of Metal really does pay the bills. Seeing this house (all 5 bedrooms, 6 baths and 7,669 square feet of it) suddenly made me feel bad for Joey Belladonna. Why? Because earlier this year, we reported that Joey was living in upstate new york in a house that is merely valued at 300k. How can this be? Jonny Z has a nicer house than the guy who played drums in the musical epic known as I'm The Man? Life, it turns out, is not fair at all. I mean, was Jonny the one waring the indian head dress on stage for all those years? No. Was Jonny there to coach Scott Ian through his hairloss tantrums of '87? No. It was Joey who was there...and now Jonny Z has a nicer and bigger house? Joey is so broke these days, he can't even afford a full mic stand. As a result of all this information, I have finally been able to answer one of humanity's most pressing questions: Does god exist. The answer: Yes, there is a god. Sadly, like most of us, he hates Joey Belladonna.
When you look at Belladonna's entire body of work, you suddenly start to realize that "I'm The Man" as well as the outfit he wore on this picture are actually among the high points in his career. Speaking of "I"m The Man", was it really necessary to give fans like eight versions of the damn song in one EP? It's a bit like bragging about the fact that you can take a shit in eight different positions. We get the point, we're just not impressed.
Back to Jonny Z's house. As much as I was ready to laugh at his tiny, shitty house...I have to say that the house's hefty pricetag (1.9 million) left me silent. Suddenly, the Metal Inquisition offices were almost completely quiet, and all that could be heard was Seargent D practicing the main riff from Forced Entry's "Macrocosm, Microcosm" on his guitar. Putting the Forced Entry song aside, I suddenly felt guilty about having wanted Jonny Z to be living in a small house that looked like a pile of rubble, much like members from Manowar do. I remembered the last time I had a similar feeling of guilt, which was when Peter Steele of Type O Negative (and, more importantly, Carnivore) did a spread for Playgirl. I remember wanting to laugh at Mr Steele's man-junk, but when faced with photographic evidence of what he was working with...I suddenly felt shame, sadness and desperation. Wait a second...wait. Did I just willingly tell the whole world that I saw Peter Steele's Playgirl layout? Damn this truth serum, damn it all to hell!
See, I can explain...although I KNOW that my explanation sounds as made up as they come. Hear me out. When that magazine came out, I was living in Miami. My friend had introduced me to a gay friend of her's, who was an ex-punk rocker turned drag queen. A stretch, I know. This guy had the magazine, and showed it to me. I know you will all say I made this up...but it's totally true.
Okay, where was I? Oh yes, his house. So there you have it...it's big. Bigger than Joey's, and not too horrible looking considering the awful taste that Italians usually have, and the low quality of construction available in the United States.
What else is Jonny Z up to?
Like any other 57 year old man-child, Jonny has a Myspace page and a blog. It's in his blog that we can learn the most about this unlovable man...the man who first had Raven tour in the United Sates. Did you just read what I typed? This is the guy we can thank for bringing Raven to the US? Wow, next up I'll do an article about the Immigration officials who signed the visas for the 9-11 hijackers. But back to his blog. In said blog, we learn about Jonny's obsessive collecting of Nightmare Before Christmas action figures. Just read the quote below, which surely explains his passion for this movie:
“It made me think…What is this Jack really all about…is he really as deep and complex as these faces portray him….we figured there must be something more to this film…” - Jonny Z
If that statement doesn't grab you and tugs away at your heartstrings (mine are tuned to a drop C, for heavier riffing) I don't know what will. I don't know exactly what that quote means, so I'll leave it up to you to figure it out (much like a community college proffesor would when introuducing his students to Nietzsche). I do understand one portion of this quote, however, and that's the question he poses, that of there being "more to this film." As it turns out, MI staff contacted Tim Burton to see if there WAS in fact more to this film. We called his office, and identified ourselves as the guys who "wrote that funny post about the houses that the guys from Manowar live in". They hung up. So that settles that one. Oh, I forgot to mention that Jonny Z also owns an action figure store in New Hope PA, and lists the following people as his heroes:
- Malcolm X - Ahmet Ertegun (founder of Atlantic Records) - His wife
I'll let you all ponder that list, but rest assured that some PhD theseis work will be done on it very soon.
What do the demi-stars of thrash metal say about Jonny Z? What does the media say about Jonny Z?
I know that all of you consider us to be the absolute authorities on horrible music that no one cares about, and we thank you for that. Still, in order to keep our status as a peer-reviewed scholastic journal, we have allowed almost-well known bands comment on the man himself. Please watch the videos below.
First, let's all watch a news story about Jonny Z's Rock N' Roll heaven record store from back in the day.
In this video, Anthrax talk about the famed store that Jonny Z had in a New Jersey flea market, a store that has been discussed in every single interview that Anthrax, SOD, Raven, Venom, Testament and Overkill ever did. Megaforce Records insisted that all bands signed to the label mention the store, and Jonny's importance to the scene in all interviews. In some videos, you can actually see Jonny standing off camera pointing a gun to their bands, thus insuring that all mentions of him were included. Jonny Z is first mentioned in this video at 1:10. Please don't get distracted by the amazing poodle haircuts or hairy eyebrows.
Incredibly annoying video of Overkill, where they discuss Megaforce records and Jonny Z...as they were contractually obligated to do. Like most bands from Jersey and Long Island, Overkill claimed to be from New York City, as you can see in this video. Please note the fashion statements made in the video, which are incredibly tasteful. Notice how the one guitar player who always tried his hardest to look exactly like James Heatfiled (even using the same guitar as James and rocking the same long sweatbans on his forearms) takes a break from swinging from Metallica's balls and quickly pays homage to Max Cavalera by wearing some sensible urban camo. Johnny Z/Megaforce Records mention occurs :30 seconds in.
So what have we learned today? Absolutely nothing...except that making Lars Ulrich share some of his wealth as a result of you having been the executive producer on one of his albums almost 30 years ago will buy you an almost-nice house in Eastern Pennsylvania. Class dismissed.
As I'm sure absolutely all of our readers know, the Giro D' Italia starts tomorrow. Like me, I know that all of you will be waking up at 9am (6am if you're in the west coast) to watch the Team Time Trial. Why? Because there is nothing more manly or metal than men racing their balls off for the honor of wearing a tight pink shirt. It's for this reason that I'm dedicating this post to Italian metal. If you are going to question the relationship between this blog and sports, don't. Read this first.
Drummers are hard to find, I know this for a fact since I play drums myself. It's for this reason that most bands will lower their standards greatly when it comes to timekeeping duties. Having said that...I think simply getting your retarded cousin who also suffers for cerebral palsy, putting some make-up on his face and plopping him behind the kit is a bit extreme....even for black metal.
Look at the mountains behind these idiots. You know how secretaries and fat suburban women from the midwest dream about living in Tuscany? They don't even know where it is...but it's constantly on their mind...along with Bed and Breakfasts, Myrtle Beach, jalapeño poppers, and Jimmy Buffett. These assholes actually get to live there...but still spend their time writing songs about goblins and trolls. What a waste. Oh, and one last thing. Don't you guys feel like total assholes for having built a 6 foot high stage, when only two people show up to your shows? Also you are violating the number one rule of playing metal live. Your stage should NEVER be taller than your amps. With a stage this high, you'd have to play with full Marshall stacks. I thought everyone knew about this rule! Man, Italy is so backwards!
Mortuary Drape is perhaps the epitome of both Italian stupidity and ingenuity. Just look at their inventive use of this quilty vest from the J. Jill catalog. J. Jill, by the way, is the ideal place to shop if you're a forty year old middle school teacher, or if you play in a laughable Italian band. That brand's reach is truly admirable. If you'd like to read more about Mortuary Drape, check out our post about them here. Why is he waring a purple satin vest you ask? Because the tight pink jersey didn't go with his creepy KKK style mask. Duh. There's one thing you should NEVER question, and that's an Italian man's sense of style.
Why is it ALWAYS the tubby ones that want to take their shirts off. Look at this tub of goo, he's holding his gut in so hard that I can almost hear him whispering "oh my god, did you take the picture yet?" under his breath.
Only in Italy would a fourth-rate death metal band (I bet you anything they cover Chapel Of Ghouls) willingly wear what are basically bell-bottom jeans, all in the name of euro-fashion. Tucked in wife-beater? Only in Italy. But hey, we should all give it up to these guys for not letting metal fashion cramp their suave Italian sensibilities. Rock those jeans boys...rock them! Oh, and to the guy with the flying-v, I'm glad you're wearing your Puma driving slippers. You never know when Jarno Trulli will get hurt, and you may be asked to step in mid-solo.
If you grow up in a miserable placewith harsh winters, I understand why you'd get into metal and end up dressing up like a godamned knight everyday. For the record, I felt the same way when I lived in Miami. I would look at myself in the mirror...95 degree heat, and I was wearing a black Entombed long sleeve shirt, black jeans and a mullet. So yes, I was an idiot...but I was like 13, and never ever wore a steel helmet and shin guards. Anyway, when you're from southern Italy...well, let's just say it's beyond me. How on earth do you put this on for your band's photo shoot, and not realize how big of a douche you are? Oh, and you know this kid's mom is super Catholic and will probably throw out his shield anyday now, as she angrily screams "Diavolo! Diavolo!"
So I've criticized the guy above for wearing armor and waving his shield around the warm and fertile hills of southern Itally...but I have not yet offered a worthwhile alternative for him to consider. May I suggest Italian cyclist and international playboy Mario Cipollini. This guy is proof that you can be plenty happy, bang tons of girls and still keep some metal street cred by rocking a fantastic greasy perm. Oh, and let's not forget the mighty zebra stripes. Even Ted Nugent was jealous of his Acqua & Sapone kit.
"Would any of you ladies fancy a bit of bubbly from this strategically placed bottle?"
Does he seriously need the suspenders?
To our metal friends in Italy I say, try this look. Why not? What's the worst thing that can happen, perhaps you'll be asked by Living Colour to join them in a reunion show, all due to your understanding of day-glo colors and skin tight clothing. That's not so bad, is it? You'd still be involved in black metal. Oh.....easy joke, and a bad one. I know. Sorry. Thanks to AC for coming up with that joke 15 years ago.
I could try really hard to write something funny, something that would be devastating and nearly bring this man-child to tears...but in reality, it would pale in comparison to the hell his mom will give him once she comes home and sees that upside down cross on his forehead. Having spent some time in Italy, and having met my Italian friend's mothers (I'm looking your way Mr Gene Hoglan's Balls), there's one thing I've learned: don't fuck with an Italian mother. Period. I don't care how many bullet belts you have, I don't care how grim you are, I don't care how many denim vests you have, I don't care how many gas masks you hang from you belt. Just don't do it. How do I know? I'm from South America...the motherland of Catholic guilt and overbearing mothers. Trust me.
Man, the drummer always gets the shaft. The guitar player and the bass player get to take their instruments for a walk in the woods...the drummer never gets to bring anything other than his drumsticks. Sorry to point this out yet again, but if you think these guys look extreme, you should see the picture that was taken only seconds after this one. As they were standing in the woods, their Italian mothers found them and gave them all brutal thrashings with an extension cords and empty pans of lasagna.
If you've ever been involved with a TV or film shoot, you've probably often heard the phrase "we'll fix it in post", which means that the image or audio can be enhanced, changed or fixed after the fact in post-production. I can just see this evil teenager saying the same thing: "Ah damn-ah, I forgot-ah to bring-ah the blood-ah I was going to put all over myself...oh well, we'll just fix it in post-ah*", by which he meant he would simply use the Airbrush tool in Photoshop.
* These "ahs" are my humorous way of mocking the Italian accent.
No single backdrop speaks about the horrors of humanity, the sadness and grim existance we all endure, and man's inhumanity to man like Italy does. I mean, just look at this grim picture! Doesn't it just make you angry, like you want to sing battle hymns for satan and wear black metal make-up on the beach? Oh that's right...it doesn't. All it should really make you think about is laying on the beach, and going shopping for high Italian fashion, much like the Grisswalds did (see below). If anyone points out that Italy is oppressive because of it's catholic guilt and the Vatican...I say get over it. Millions of people seem to get by just fine. Seeing these pictures of metal dorks makes me want to fly over there and shake them until they barf.
These guys were about to drive off into the woods to do their shoot. Everything was going well, until the singer suddenly yells out "Oh shit-ah, did anyone remember to pack my Nazi uniform and hat?" the drummer says "I knew you'd forget it...ha ha, don't worry. I remembered to pack it along with my bullet belts. I got you man." That, readers, is true friendship. A guy who remembers to pack your classy nazi uniform is a friend for life.
You know how Hitchock used Hershey's chocolate syrup as blood for the shower scene in Psycho, since it was shot in black and white? Well, guess what these guys use for their make up? Spaghetti sauce. Crazy huh?
Electrical tape around his fingertips? Is he like the Michael Jackson of black metal? Why does he parade around construction sites with a ballpoint pen around his neck? As always, black metal photography gives us more questions than answers. In case you were wondering, this picture is proof of something I've commented on before many times. Time travel does in fact exist. Just look at those Reebok hi top sneakers! Put the keys to the Nocturnus time machine down, all you need is a plane ticket to Italy. By the way, I'm bummed to see that more and more European countries are starting to use American building standards. Using wooden 2x4's in European construction (along with drywall) seems sacrilegious. Maybe that's why this guy is posing in this construction site...it's the most unholy thing ever to be built in Italy!
A whole post about horrible things from Italy, and I didn't even mention Cripple Bastards once! Hooray for me!
_________________________________________________________________ Before anyone out there responds to my hilarious commentary about Italians by mocking Americans, let me remind you that I'm not an American. I too know that most Americans look like this:
And I also know that these kids, American as they may be, look like Billy Milano, who has Italian blood (which is thick as gravy) running through his stupid fat body. It's a complicated subject.
Speaking of Milano, are you craving even more Italian content? Today is your lucky day, and not just because the Giro starts tomorrow! Check out some past posts about this very controversial subject.
- Our post about Billy Milano's stage banter. - Check out the post about Billy Milano banging broads on the road. - Do you like horrible bands? Have you heard about Death SS? - Would you like to see the house that a prominent Italian-American demi star like Joey DeMaio lives in? Ever wonder how much other Manowar band members paid for their homes? Read up. -Do you love Lars Ulrich's dad, but also love roman Catholicism? You're in luck.
As I've stated before, one unfortunate aspect of metal is the lack of information about the earnings of metal musicians. In sports, for example, this type of information is often public. Why not in metal? I have long asked for complete transparency in the realm of metal...but my calls to Steamhammer records have gone unanswered, so too have my faxes to Wild Rags. It's for this reason that we here at Metal Inquisition have decided to roll up our sleeves and once again check into these matters the only way we know how. Real estate.
It just so happened that as we were starting this investigation, a fantastic email from a reader who lives in the same town as Manowar came into our mailbox. The email featured all kinds of fantastic insight as to what it's like to be at ground zero of the Manowar epidemic. Notice that I use the term "ground zero", which is often used in the context of 9-11...because in a way, Manowar itself is a good bit like a musical 9-11.
Manowar...pioneers in homoerotic attire since 1980.
As with all information we publish, we had to be thorough in checking out just how factual the reader's information was. As it turns out, it all checked out in multiple ways...and thank god for that. As a result of his email, our readers will now have a more thorough picture of what it's really like to be in and around Manowar. Prepare yourself...you are moments away from reading about how the KINGS OF METAL really live their lives. It's gonna' be a bumpy ride. Get ready.
FACT #1:Joey DeMaio lives in the basement of his parents' house in Auburn NY
I know, it's not hard to believe at all. Actually, it's barely shocking...but knowing that it's actually true is simply fantastic. It's a bit like when the gay community found out that Rosie O'Donnell was actually a lesbian. They already knew about it...but having it out in the open gave them all the ability to finally move on.
This is the house Joey lives in. It's worth $190,000. As before, our non-American readers can convert this amount, and other amounts in this article, into their own currency here. Yes, it's out of the basement of this house that Joey runs his musical empire. Maybe when his parents move away or retire in Boca, he'll inherit the house. Could that be his sweet Ford Probe out front? Nothing says "metal" like a fifteen year old American coupe with four cylinders that puts out a "meh" inducing 110 horse power. By the way, look at all the weeds growing in and around the driveway...Joey's mom is going to be pissed! Joey better get out there and do some weeding...pronto! I can hear her saying "Joey, I don't care if you are the King Of Metal. You better be the King Of Weeding, go out there and take care of that driveway!"
Who's that sexy Italian beast wearing the karate uniform? And what about that Casio watch and platform shoes? It's the one and only king of metal of course! He probably keeps this amazing outfit in a closet at his mom's house. Mom threatens to throw it out during every spring cleaning...and Joey flips out each and every time.
As much of a pain as it probably is to have a leech like Joey living in your basement, he also happens to be a nice Catholic boy. Oh yes indeed. Joey is a member of the Knights Of Malta, a catholic order of some kind with a very confusing history. Check out Joey wearing some sweet robes. He looks like an aging, upstate New York, Italian dracula:
Can you imagine being Joey's mom, and seeing him in his dracula robe, or his furry armor sneaking fat 19 year old girls down into the basement? The woman is a saint.
Here we see Joey with his parents, who no doubt cry themselves to sleep over what a joke their pathetic son has turned out to be. See the microwave oven in the back? That's where Joey's mom has tried to put her head during numerous suicide attempts.
Regarding Joey, our reader states:
I have the great misfortune being from the same shithole town as Manowar. One of the perks of living here, though, is that I can get close looks at Joey DeMaio's thinning, dyed hair as he shops for broccoli at the local grocery store. You see dudes wearing Manowar shirts around town all the time. Guys of that age probably went to high school with them, and knew them before they were 'rock stars'. I can imagine how things were in the early 80's when all the local scumbags were into metal. Now, things have changed all of their illegitimate children are a bunch of wiggers. I don't know what's worse.
FACT #2:Karl Logan wears a fanny pack, and gives guitar lessons to 11 year olds.
I know, I know...these are not exactly revelations, but aren't you grateful to know these things are actually true? Our reader also filled us in on the fact that Karl lives in this house (see below), which he rents. Since he rents, I wont bother giving you the price...but looking at the picture, I think you'll agree that you could probably trade a bag of potatoes for it.
The building where Karl Logan lives, which was previously Manowar's practice space. What did you expect...a castle with torches and a mote?
Our reader tells us more:
Karl Logan is the local guitar teacher and lives in some shitty old building that Manowar used to rehearse in. He drives a beat up pickup with "9/11 was a lie" bumper stickers on it. Did I mention he wears a fanny pack everywhere? Living here, I get to see Karl pulling cash out of the fanny pack he wears everywhere to pay for his coffee (dude kinda reminds me of Mantas in that laugh-out-loud funny looking kinda way).
FACT #3:Eric Adams works construction to make ends meet
I know, I know...you probably figured that this was the case. I wish I lived in Auburn so I could have Eric Adams come and do the drywall in my basement. I would blast Manowar upstairs as he huffed and puffed carrying sheets of drywall down the steps. Can you imagine? It would be amazing. Mr. Adams lives in a modest home. A VERY modest home that costs $69,000.
Look above the door, at least the guy has satellite TV. Good for him. I guess you could call this "the house that being the King of Metal built", or "the house that singing at children's parties built". Either will do.
As pointed out by one of our readers, Eric also teaches archery classes at the local Bass Pro Shop. You can read about his hunting abilities in the local news sources here.Eric also seems to perform music at children's festivals. But don't judge him, I'm sure he performs a catalog that is very high in metal content.
Much like a dead bird's feathers which loose their luster after the years, Eric's hair appears to loose both its pizzazz and its hair dye when he's not on the road. What the hell kind of hair color has his plumage faded down to? Is he trying to blend into the surroundings as part of his camouflage? I can't believe he gets away with hunting when he lives so close to Syracuse. If Karl Crisis hears about this, there's gonna' be trouble.
Our reporter on the street tells us:
I get to eavesdrop on Eric Adams' (real name Lou Marullo, his stage name is a combination of his kids' names) tales of glory at recent European festivals, while watching high school football games. Eric lives in a small house, right next door to a metal foundry on some depressing little street. Perhaps that's where they get their swords made. He does construction work on his off time from the band, which probably equates to 11 months a year. One of his kids is in a joke cover band called Motley Crouton that plays the shithole bars around here.
Sweet 'stache Eric...now go do my drywall!
If you want to go further into the world of all things Manowar, check out Eric's son's MySpace page here. You can also check out his band's page here.
In closing: Do any readers have any input about other metal demi-stars, their monetary earnings or real estate holdings? Let us know.
Also, if the reader who sent us this email, or any other resident of Auburn can send in pictures of Eric carrying drywall, or Joey buying broccoli...you'll get many, many thanks from us, and the entire world. The only guy who won't thank you will be this 17 year old who just got inked. Imagine his surprise when he figures out that he makes more money bagging groceries part-time than Joey does. Ouch.
In the past, postings about Machine Head and Rob Flynn's Disease (RFD for short) got us an insane number of page views, mostly from angry fans. Our posts also initiated heated, angry diatribes in Machine Head boards. Let's see what this post does to Manowar fans. I can't wait.
A gregarious bunch of leather daddies or a budget Italian power metal band? You decide!
