Friday, February 13, 2009

Metal Inquisition Investigative Report: Metal Real Estate (Part 3)

Nothing says "sexy" like a greasy Italian dude wearing a satin jacket.


Those of you who follow us on Twitter may have seen my tweet (that's what Twitter posts are called, so the kids tell me) some weeks ago, in which the following comment was accompanied by the image below:

"When you are homeless like Joey Belladonna, your winter gloves become your toilet paper"


Now, I must admit that the image above does not depict Joey Belladonna's poo. As a matter of fact, that post was just a way for me to insert that rancid image in everyone's mind. If I had to see it (and take a picture of it) why shouldn't everyone else be traumatized as well?

After uploading that image, I began to wonder what kind of a house Joey actually could afford. What type of home can you buy with all that State Of Euphoria money? It sounded like a job for the M.I. investigative team. I rounded up the troops (to do so, I point a spotlight at the sky, much like Batman, but in our case it's not a bat that shines in the sky, but the swirly thing from the State of Euphoria record) and we got to work. We hope you enjoy our report:



As Metal Inquisition staffers grow older, our attention has turned from musician's accomplishments on stage, to those off stage. When we were 15, we all thought dudes in metal bands looked cool (at least most of them) and we cared about little else. Now as we age, we start to wonder "how much money is he making?", as well as "does he live with his parents?" Little to no information is available regarding the kind of money you can make by playing metal for a living. We wanted to know. We have chosen, once again, to do this the only way we know how...by looking into real estate holdings of a metal demi-star (see here and here.) This time around, we are looking into the pockets of metal's most beloved Italian crooner, Joey Belladonna.


Where's the other half of his mic stand? We will never know.


Known to most simply as the guy behind the mic (and the tiny mic stand it was attached to) at Anthrax shows, Belladonna has always been a bit of an enigma. Afterall, how many Italian guys (real name Bellardini by the way, even more Italan that Belladonna) do you know who write "Injun" on their hat, and parade around in full native american head dress? Also a mystery about Joey...why didn't he ever get that one crooked tooth fixed. We'll never know. What we do know about is real estate.

Does Joey live in a fantastic triplex penthouse in the Upper West Side? A trendy loft in Chelsea? Has he moved to the West coast to live in Malibu? Close. Turns out, Joey lives in a suburb of Syracuse called Camillus. Perhaps readers from the area can fill us in as to what type of town it is...and if it is in fact a suburb or more of a town near Syracuse. Either way, this is where our beloved Italian Injun hangs his head dress.


I guess you could say that this is the house that "I'm The Man" built.


The home costs $311,000, not bad I guess, but not all that impressive either. For all of our non-American readers, you can figure out the exchange rate into your native currency here. The house has three bedrooms, was built in 1990, and has 2600 square feet of living space. Perhaps the most intriguing thing about the house is that it has no central air conditioning. I know that to our non American readers this may seem normal...but for a house in the US to not have A/C (particularly one this size that was built in 1990) is downright strange, even in upstate New York. Why would Joey not have air conditioning in his house? It could only be for one reason. In order to recreate his glory days on stage with Anthrax, Joey parades around his house wearing the indian head dress as he orders people around with his tiny mic stand. "Kids, do the dishes. Take out the trash!" and then when the kids disobey him, he promptly yells out "NOT!" Due to the lack of A/C, Joey sweats profusely (as all Italians do), as he did on stage back then. In doing so, he replicates an Anthrax concert in the comfort of his home. As part of that recreation, he probably has cardboard cutouts of Anthrax members which he also orders around. If any readers out there have a better suggestion, please let me know.

Two other things worth noting about the home. Why is there a van parked in the driveway? Is Joey installing satellite dishes to make ends meet? Also, why is all the grass dead around his house? Does Joey have the opposite of the Midas touch? Does everything he touch die, much like his solo career? Lastly, if you're wondering why there's a jungle gym and slide in the back yard, that's in case Danny Spitz comes to visit. Gotta' keep that lil' guy happy.

On a closing note, please look at this snapshot I took from Joey's entry in Wikipedia. I don't know if this will still be up by the time you read this. Wikipedia correctly states that:

1. Joey's genitalia was used as a mold for a best selling dildo.
2. Joey's hair can be fashioned into the only weapon known to hurt Chuck Norris.

Whoever tells you that Wikipedia is not a reliable source, has not done their homework.


34 comments:

  1. This post was LOL incarnate.

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  2. this was so fucking funny!especially the Dan Spitz part!

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  3. Moar posts like this. Well done, Lucho.

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  4. Shesus Cheap house someone, is it on an indian burial ground or something? was that his one requirement. Though i cant say i know much about the american property market that sort of money in england would buy a cardboard box!

    Basically what im saying is that over here that glove shit situation would probably be a reality for bellendonor.

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  5. Exactly. In my hometown of Rotterdam you can only buy something like this for that money. And Rotterdam is dirt cheap compared to real cities like London, Paris or Madrid.
    Belladonna obviously made a great deal. It could also be that the house is build on a pile of toxic waste. It would explain the dead grass and really thrash too. We all know how much thrash metal guys love toxic waste.

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  6. I bet if you zoom in on that pic, the surrounding dirt has a totally rad BMX track.

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  7. CW...how did I not think of the indian burial ground reference? well played sir.

    Martijn, I would gladly live in that little townhouse in Rotterdam. suburban syracuse has very little going on when compared to rotterdam, i'm sure.

    stay tuned for charlie benante's house, which i amd working on right now.

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  8. No way, it is a weed farm underground.

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  9. 1) How do you know there's no central AC?

    2) Joey Belladonna FUCKING HATES TREES!

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  10. Great post, but what is inside the little shed in the trees? I'm putting my money on dildo/butt plug collection.

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  11. Robert, I'm sorry but I can't divulge my sources. I can only say that the information posted comes from official records.

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  12. is it just me or does Joey look like he could be Pauly Shore's sweaty uncle?

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  13. CW...how did I not think of the indian burial ground reference? well played sir.

    indeed. nice work!

    ps cry for the indians

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  14. You can buy a very decent house for that price in a suburb in the US in a city that is not very big. I'm sure you can buy a much better house for that money in a suburb in Syracuse. Lucho: is that price the spot price? Or is it an old value? A year ago that amount of money wasn't much, but today, as I say, it's enough to buy a good house in a place like that. If you know the address, go to zillow.com and you can see the price trend for that particular house and you can also get to know how much Belladonna payed to buy (and when) that house.

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  15. I grew up in Queens (where Scott Ian is from) and I grew up in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment. My parents sold it for $250,000 last year.

    I live in Santa Monica, CA now and me and my wife have been looking to buy a 2 bedroom condo and we can't find anything for less than 600-700K.

    That said, I'd rather live here and pay out of my ass than live in a shithole like Syracuse (or anything near it).

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  16. $311,000 is the current assessed value. He paid $282,500 in 1991. As you can see, real estate prices in upstate NY haven't exactly skyrocketed.

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  17. No A/C?
    Injun curse!
    dead flora/fauna?
    Injun curse!
    best selling dildo?
    Injun curse?
    Injun curse!

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  18. Very nice return to form Lucho.

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  19. That could be considered a manicured golf course of a lawn by the cold, gray standards of New York State's forgotten middle kingdom. Once you hit Amsterdam, it's nothing but dark clouds and lawn ornaments fished out of septic tanks until you get to Niagara Falls.

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  20. Awesome. But I'd like to point out that where I come from twitter is what we call it when girlies masturbate. Tweet? I'm guessing that's girlie cum. Just saying.

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  21. "I guess you could say that this is the house that "I'm The Man" built."

    Fried Gold

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  22. My favourite italian crooner is Sir Ronnie James

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  23. the "metal real estate" posts are some of my most favorite. KEEP THEM COMING AT ALL COSTS!!!

    yes!!

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  24. savage, a new one is already in the works. stay tuned.

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  25. Obviously, the dead grass is from the miraculous circle-pits that break out above the indian burial ground when Belladonna conjures his homie "injuns" back to life. Caught in a...

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  26. Certainly doesn't look very Metally does it??
    NOT that it's NOT a great post Lucho, but how about you tackle the other two singers(Turbin, Bush) of Anthrax & compare and rate their humble dwellings? Who truly has the better chunk o land? who has leopard print sofas & matching carpets? I personally would like to know more about Turbin, Fistful of Metal is fucking class.
    But please, no more hobo-glove references, some of us are eating while we read our m.i....

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  27. Please, find out where Rick Rozz lives nowadays...I'm sure you can do the job!

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  28. i saw joey belladonna play here in chicago last summer and it was the best show ever. he played all 'thrax cuts to a crowd of maybe 30 people- high fives from joey, all around.. we bro'd out with him, pre-show, as he downed a red bull or two... the stage set backround was a projection of a windows 3.1 screen displaying a heavily pixelated 'BELLADONNA' band logo. there was even a brief mosh pit of balding old dudes (i.e. me), and when i slipped in a spilled beer, my buddy pulled me back up, like the old days... it hella ruled. i'm actually surprised his house is that nice... joey is the king.

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  29. First let me say that I know nothing about Anthrax or JB -- my husband forwarded this to me because I do know something about Camillus. I grew up there. It is in fact a suburb of Syracuse. Lower-middle/middle class. JB is definitely the richest person around. $300k is a LOT of house in Camillus. While the town itself does not have much going on, the surrounding area (the Finger Lakes region) is beautiful. Camillus is also home to the West Genesee Wildcats, which used to boast (and maybe still does) one of the best high school lacrosse teams (and marching bands) in the country.

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  30. turbin lives on the beach in hermosa beach since the 1980's

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  31. I didn't like the irony about Manowar's life. They are really the kings of Metal because their songs and the Heavy Metal come first than the money. It's good to know they are not rich. I love them much more now, because they love Heavy Metal and family and religion, not money in excess. Long live Manowar.

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  32. I just stumbled upon this blog and I thought I would comment. Joey lives down the street from me in Camillus and the picture in the blog is not his house. We live in a "rural" suburbia if you will. Joey lives on a large hill in Camillus on a cul-de-sac with only three neighbors. He has a very beautiful house but it is half the size of the one in the picture. It's nice and quiet which I assume he needs after a long tour. Because of his location in our area, I'm surprised he only payed 280,000 for it and not twice that amount. But, I am also posting this in 2012...

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  33. These days you can find Joey playing local dive bars in and around Syracuse in his 70's/80's classic rock band Chief Big Way with no cover charge. I guess he does it for fun and a cut of the beer tab. While it sounds sad, he plays drums / lead vocals and runs the sounds board too - he's got a great voice, great drummer and it's a pretty good show.

    But $300k buys a LOT of house here in Syracuse.

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  34. Thanks you so much about sharing metal inquisition investigative report .

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