Thursday, February 5, 2009

The Mortiis Toejob*

When he's not busy making shitty music, Morttis enjoys worshipping feet.

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't get foot fetishes. Sure, I can appreciate a nice pair of feet, but my appreciation ends at "hey, nice feet," before moving on to a much more interesting body part, like the ass. I've never gotten a boner from looking at someone's feet, I've never sucked on anyone's toes (okay, maybe once, but I was really drunk!), and I certainly don't want to be jerked off by someone's feet. Mortiis, on the other hand, is a bonda fide foot fanatic.

If you're as ugly as Mortiis is (I think the elf makeup and prosthetics is actually an improvement over his real face) you take what you can get. In this case, all he could get was a fat, ugly pig by the name of Sarah Jezebel Deva. Sarah is a backup singer for Cradle of Filth (I didn't even KNOW Cradle of Filth had backup singers!?) and lead singer for her own shitty band, Angtoria. Well, apparently things got a little hot and heavy one day while on tour and Mortiis just could not contain himself. He simply HAD to have Sarah's chubby, callused toes in his mouth. Sarah was kind enough to bless the world with the following photograph of Mortiis caught in the act, knuckle deep.

This has got to be the most disturbing thing ever posted on Metal Inquisition.

Judging from the caption, Sarah's command of the English language is equal to that of your average teenager. Pretty sad when you consider she's 31 years old. Using "u" instead of "you," adding unnecessary apostrophes, misspelling common words, using "cos" instead of "because," and using excessive punctuation. As if you couldn't already tell just by looking at a picture of her that Sarah is retarded. Not to mention the fact that the caption itself is so fucking vile it makes my stomach turn. The thought of sucking on Sarah's pudgy, sweaty toes after a day of walking around London in the blazing sun makes suicide sound like a pleasant idea. There isn't enough alcohol on Earth to get me to put those toes in my mouth.

As for the authenticity of this photo, I'm no photography expert, but all of my internet detective work points to it being real. Same horrific face, same shitty tattoos. You be the judge!


*Thanks to reader Darley Green for the story!

28 comments:

  1. It's not Mortiis. It's Blix from the movie "Legend".
    http://i118.photobucket.com/albums/o96/redbeard67/blix_n_blo00w.jpg
    He's the servant of the lord of darkness you fucks, what did you expect?

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  2. I'm an ass man too, but I've also got a rampant foot fetish. However, as the saying goes: if you don't get it, I can't explain it. Wikipedia says it's got something to do with faulty brain wiring, which I take as a compliment.

    Sure better than having a tentacle fetish.

    That said, Sarah's pudgy, neglected toes are just nauseating. I thing I'll go conventional for a while.

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  3. I thought Blix and Mortiis were the same dude/ demon.

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  4. Dude!! When you told me about the picture over the weekend, I thought "haha, that sounds nasty and funny." Fuck, there's nothing funny about this. It's just nasty. Plus, you never said anything about the caption, which is priceless. Shit like this is the reason MI is never gonna run out of topics and people to make fun of. When in doubt, make fun of Mortiis.

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  5. Mortiis is a neverending source of inspiration.

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  6. Chicks are all boobs, ass, legs...I'm old fashioned. I like gorgeous gothic girls. Feet are the last part of them I ever notice.

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  7. As much as I appreciate a good foot there is no way I would go sucking them, especially if they belong to that fat fuck Sarah Jezebel Wheezer (See what I did there?). I'd rather eat a bag of Hobo Vomit.

    I used to like Mortiis until he put out that shit 'The Stargate'. I have his demo and the first three albums are immense (although you philistines wouldn't appreciate them...), but his new stuff sucks buffalo dick (as well as fat chicks toes). I mean, for fuck's sake, even my mates DAD likes Mortiis' new stuff.

    Mortiis, I lol at U!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  8. lol @ "Mortis, I lol @ you"
    feet are full of fungus but I guess if your body is telling you that you have a fungal defficiency you should just go with it?

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  9. hey there, great fucking post but i've got a screamo crunk-related breakthrough y'all should see. sarge, if you're reading this, you should probably check it out:

    http://illogicalcontraption.blogspot.com/2009/02/country-equivalent-of-screamo-crunk.html

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  10. holy crap, i remember back in the day when mortiis was barely getting started, there was like two pictures of him on the whole internet. at a time when black metal seemed scary, mortiis was such an enigma. i can now blame the internet for helping further deteriorate the evil image we once had of dudes in metal bands. i can honestly say that i've never heard mortiis, but next time anyone asks me about him, i'll prodly say "never heard his music, but i've seen a picture of him sucking a fat goth girl's toe"

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  11. It's the Myspace generation, they're ruining it for everyone!!

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  12. Just when you thought there was nothing worse than that "music" Mortiis puts out......

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  13. I didn't think the subject of this post was such a big deal...so a guy likes feet...then I clicked the wiki link for that...thing. I knew she was big but goddamn that face to hell!

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  14. I do NOT agree with Lucho about this image further deteriorating the scary image. Dude, this picture is one of the scariest fucking things I've seen to date!! I think they should put it at the end of that Linda Blair/Exorcist Maze Game Prank!! I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight. Uugghh.

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  15. P.S. Goblin Nose!! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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  16. Another reason Sarah Jezebel Deva should be put down.

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  17. I was Cradles merch dude\equipment driver for there first u.s. tour. I did this as a favor to Guav, as the dude that bluegrape hired bailed at the last moment. It was also a good paying gig(but not for the hours I put in selling\ordering and driving all night coast to coast plus canada in just short of a month).
    I had never heard them until the night before i left and was pretty not stoked that i had accepted the job. However, from the first show on, the whole band and crew, including Sarah were a total blast to be with. Completely personable and totally greatfull for my helping them out. I took probably over 500 candid photos from that tour. for such a serious image based band, they really had a great sense of humor about everything including themselves. At each gig, we wouldn't leave until the last fan had there chance to get stuff signed etc...
    I bugged sarah about Mortis all the time. I still to this day have never heard a Mortis album but any dude who will dress in a spacebat outfit had my interest peaked.
    I absolutely love this blog and sometimes have to leave my bedroom so i don't wake up my wife laughing late at night.
    i just had to post finally because the toejob thing was cracking me up. Sarah was seriously awesome on that tour though as were the rest of those dudes.

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  18. How come everyone's life seems so much more interesting than mine these days? I don't want to take the bus to work and worry about hospital and lawyer bills. I don't want my main concern in life to be how to avoid my ex! I wanna be on tour doing merch and other metal stuff. I wanna be on the road again! I wanna get the band back together!! On second thought, I like showering everyday and watching cable TV.
    I'm torn.

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  19. wow, Cradle of Filth, what a waste of resources. They have to have a sense of humor to pull this stunt on those poor kids that don't know any better. I mean, my god, COF is absolutely mindnumbingly horrid, talk about brain-atrophy. Goth chicks will listen to anything half-singalong as long as they can get to wear all the gear required I guess but there's nothing worse than COF, and you should not be proud to have been part of this crime against humanity Mr. David Jr.

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  20. You know, I don't think that's Sarah but some chick from the Toronto metal scene (the last picture that is - she looks completely different than any Sarah picture I found on Google - doesn't anyone notice the lack of a mole on her face?). I remember seeing her at a few shows back about 8 years ago and she was one of those chicks that I'm sure was proud to be considered a metal groupie. I mean, come on, Mortiis? What a catch!

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  21. Are you sure that's not Sarah doing the sucking? They kinda look alike.

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  22. I meant the girl in the last photo. I don't think that's Sarah

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  23. Ok, some feminine perspective here.

    First: Sarah is MUCH prettier than that Wiki picture would make it seem. Google her. A little hefty, and maybe those black undies with the corset were not the best on-stage choice, but still, very pretty, generally speaking.

    Second: Having never heard of Mortiis before, I immediately YouTubed him. It is true the music is pretty lame. I love Ministry, and Mortiis is no Alain Jourgensen. ("Mortiis" is a pretty cool name, though.) Mortiis is by no means disgustingly ugly. He's actually pretty decent looking when he gets that elf shit off his face. He's what I call a "tweener" - somewhere between attractive and not, and the tipping point will be personality. If he's charming, he'll get hot, and if he's a self-involved Norwegian black metalist dickhead he'll get very, very cold.

    Third: In a bold move to have none of the above taken seriously whatsoever, I thought the picture was kind of sexy. I'm not into feet, especially not sweaty feet yuk, but I am into watching the gentleman involved enjoy himself, and Mortiis clearly is enjoying himself. It's kinda hot.

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  24. I agree Sarah is much prettier than that Wiki picture suggests and she comes across as a well humoured girl which if you’re part of the Filth ensemble, and your job may or may not involve washing Danni Filths under-crackers probably helps.

    Mortiis au natural is better than expected; taking off the Gnome face after a tiring show and getting liquored up is probably the most fun that two people in bed if one of them is Mortiis can expect.

    Imagine if you will how much worse that picture could have been if he’d still been wearing the mask. I’m not into feet, not even if they are clean and attached to someone majorly hot, so the thought of going down on a set of mangy trotters makes me dry retch.

    But as Medeyle points out there is more than a hint of a wry smile on his face which suggests he’s having a good time. Given what we know now perhaps ‘win a toe job from Mortiis’ might feature as a prize for the hardest working member of his street team in the future.

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  25. hey...

    whatever floats your boat is what i say

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