"I totally hung out with that dude!"

Glen Benton shows these amateurs how to hold an imaginary, highly evil grapefruit.
(Please note that Glen is wearing a shirt with a swastika on it. A kid in my high school wore this shirt often. It features multiple one-armed Jesuses which make up the swastika. Just to let you know, I had to look up what the plural to "Jesus" is)

Back in 1991, my brother's friend showed me a picture of him and Steve Souza from Exodus hanging out. At the time, I thought Exodus were one of the coolest bands in the world (I hadn't heard their cover of "Lowrider" yet) and as a result, the concept of getting to meet Steve was beyond my wildest dreams. Overtime, I got a clue...but not before seeing other such pictures from multiple people, and having to endure the lengthy stories that usually go along with such pictures. "Man, David Vincent totally invited me into their bus and we hung out. It was awesome."

Looking around the internet, I was able to find many such pictures...fleeting moments in the lifes of different losers who thought this was such an important moment that it simply had to be documented photographically. Now I should tell you that I'm not completely above this, since I have pictures with both Glenn Danzig AND members of Unleashed, but I was like 14 then. These fools look like they should have known better. Let's take a closer look, and try to see things from the eyes of the low-level superstars that were photographed.

If you ever dreamed of being in a hugely succesful band for the sake of getting ladies, think again. For nearly three decades Steve Harris has been chin-deep in an ocean of fat turds who look like this lady. Rose-tinted Sally Jesse Raphael glasses? Check. Peg Bundy approved ensamble? Check. A depressed Steve Harris wondering if he would be getting higher quality poon had he stayed working at the oil change place? Check.

Never has the gap between performer and fan been more obvious. While one individual rocks out on his reverse-headstock axe, the other is wearing David Koresh safety glasses, and has such large teeth that his lips can't contain them. One guy is wearing the latest denim tanktop, the other takes great pride in his Kiss patch and Monchichi haircut.


Anyone who knows me will tell you that I HATE shirts with stretched out necks, and the man cleavage they bring about. Simply seeing the two shirts in this picture is making me angry. With that out of the way, we can focus on more important things. Is that Charlie Benante holding an imaginary metal grapefruit? Look at Trevor's face...if that's not an expression of extreme excitement, I don't know what is. Can you imagine spending years in your room learning how to play the guitar and practicing in order to meet girls...then you end up in a band and it's guys like this that want pictures with you? Jesus...you'd be depressed too.


Why does James look so upset? Because if the whole "my lifestyle determines my deathstyle" line turns out to be true, his death will consist of hugging a balding Euro.




When even a douche like James Heatfield is so repulsed by you that he barely agrees to be in a picture with you, you know you've hit an all time low. Why? One word. Neckerchief.




Nothing says "rock" quite like a white, Miami Vice sport coat. Based on this picture, you would assume that the looser with the chipmunk teeth and horrible facial hair is the biggest looser in the bunch. You'd be wrong. Remember that Richie Sambora is now the size of an oil tanker and has to put up with Heather Locklear (who is herself roughly as old as the american constitution) and her kids.* Ooof.

*Information courtesy of US Weekly




Unlike the other pictures, this one at least features two guys that had something in common and could carry on a lengthy conversation as a result. The topic? Rogaine. Why did Kirk make that face you ask? He was simply brushing off the last bits of remaining self worth off his shoulder.




Are you one of these idiots that wants to go back in time to the heyday of thrash metal? Do you miss how things were before Metallica put out the black album? Think again. This is what it was really like. Back then, it was all about guys in Def Lepard shirts and daisy duke shorts, as well as ladies wearing fuchsia spandex pants which reveal a physique that looks like bags of guacamole that were left out in the sun. Oh, and don't forget a lady that looks like your aunt Martha posing with an unenthusiastic James Hetfield. If I were you, I'd put the keys to the Nocturnus time machine down right now. Don't waste the trip.



Look at poor James' face...that's the look of a guy that just realized that this is the best looking lady he'll be able to take back to the hotel room tonight. After another full night spent at the meet-and-greet tent, and it has once again come down to this.... a gender neutral being with pink-tinted welding goggles. Come on, you'd be bummed too.




Why is Kirk wearing gloves? If you had to touch a fat version of Sally Jesse Raphael whose entire body is filled with gravy, you'd wear gloves too.



Jason is saying "I now present to you yet another douche with a neckerchief, and huge glases which make him look like a Greyhound bus." Because I'm a classy guy, I will make no mention of Jason's horrific sideburns.


Closing Note:
Throughout this post I have spelled the last name of Metallica's singer in different ways. I'll be damned if I'm going to look it up on the Googles to figure out the correct spelling. Does it even matter? Answer: No.