Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Winds of Plague invent wigger black metalcore

Suffocation and Dying Fetus shirts, New Era hats cocked at a jaunty angle, puffy vest... we have a confirmed siting of slam wiggers!

We get a lot of press releases and stuff in our inbox, and usually I don't even bother to read them before I shout a curse at the sender, but for some reason I chose to read the latest piece of poorly-written, uninspired spam from Century Media and found the latest video from some band called Winds of Plague inside. I never thought it would happen to me, but my mind is officially blown. Many of you experienced this feeling when you read my epic post on screamo crunk a while back: half "get off my lawn" and half "wat."



As you can see from the video, they somehow manage to combine elements of tough guy hardcore, goth, cheesy commercial black metal, deathcore, and wiggerish arm movements. Look, I get it. I love Bleeding Through and wigger slam as much as the next guy. I've been on 18 Visions and Suffocation's dick since forever. But some things just aren't meant to be combined! Nobody is asking for a beef jerky-flavored energy drink, and nobody asked for wigger black metalcore!

This guy doesn't love "mashup culture" like David Gensler

Stop inventing new genres, you crazy kids!! Next thing you know we'll have an neoclassical industrial rapabilly fad up in here, and nobody wants that to happen. I remember when the Judgment Night soundtrack came out: I was terrified at the thought of more Dinosaur Jr/Del Tha Funkee Homosapien collabos, and I'm getting a similar feeling of dread as I watch this video. Will the charts of 2019 be full of Dimmu Borgir/Daddy Yankee mashups? If so, bring me the Nocturnus time machine so I can kill myself in the crib and be spared the agony of witnessing such a world.

Southern Californians or Bavarians? You be the judge.

At first I was convinced this band must be European, because only Euros and the Japanese are capable of combining exaggerated stereotypes of American subcultures into a giant, ridiculous, shit sandwich like this without a hint of self-awareness. They're clearly not Japanese, so I said to myself "There's no way these fucking retards are from anywhere but Belgium, Germany, or Holland." But then I looked on their MySpace and saw that they are from Southern California and I said, "Oh, right. Yeah, that works too." I love Southern California a lot, but let's be honest: the people there aren't the best at knowing when they are being giant d-bags. I mean this is the place that brought us Tapout, Affliction and Kottonmouth Kingz.

Here is what Winds of Plague's fans look like. Note his Brazilian jiu-jitsu shirt- he's sure to come down with Tommy Victor's Disease when he gets older.

I was doing an image search to find some pictures to make fun of, and found this douchelord. It turns out that he actually went to the same high school as I did, which probably is not a surprise to MI readers in that you all know that I am also a douchelord. In any case, if you happen to be from the Northwest like I am you can LOL at this guy for many things, not the least of which is moving to Spokane. Really?! Who moves to Spokane? Isn't that like a perfectly healthy person going to the doctor's office, rummaging through the biohazardous waste container and jamming a syringe full of AIDS into his eye as hard as he can??

It wouldn't be a Southern California metalcore band without a slightly below-average chick with a muffintop playing keyboards, now would it?

Oh, and did I mention that (to nobody's surprise), I think this band is awesome and want to hang out with them?? Seriously, this song fucking jams and I hope to catch them on tour with Brokencyde and Crazy Town this summer.

70 comments:

  1. LOL, that singer has a SERIOUS identity crisis, I expected him to bust into a fred durst tribute rap at any moment, I'm REALLY glad he didn't but I would definitely slap that hat off his damned wigger melon if I accidentally went to one of their shows. I guess there are other hideous mutations out there just like you SRG.D ;)

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  2. From the Spokaneans I know, it went Spokane - Seattle and then often Portland, or anywhere other than back to Spokane.

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  3. "But some things just aren't meant to be combined!" so true. Like popeye vocals and metal chords, thank you post 1992 black metal.

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  4. they should die or i should die; true sign that i am getting really old; glad i downed the new absu somewhere sssstttttt.

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  5. Firstly congrats you got quoted in the latest issue of terrozier, especially considering it was in a segment on japanese grindcore.

    Secondly now that you have hit the big time the inevitable influx of revenue means not only can you now buy the relapse corporation building, but you could also invest in those blueprints of the nocturnus timemachine. Im sure Digby would totally hock it along with any remaining morbid angel master tapes, and you could totally suffocate these asshats in their infant sleep!

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  6. Kalashnikovs, M16s and shotguns, with that one dude clutching a pillow. Fucking epic. He must be the band's conscientious objector. Also: Xs, "coke" and "Martinis" (powdered milk and water?). Just fucking epic. Can't wait to get home and check out this pile of confused bullshit.

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  7. This stuff just confuses me. I want to go back to tape trading. Like in the good old days. You knew where you were then.

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  8. I like the part of the video where they're playing a show inside my colon.

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  9. why is there a can of Murrays hair pomade by the suitcase that is only kinda filled with money and mardi gras beads. i'm so confused.

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  10. ooops poker chips, not beads. my bad.

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  11. Nobody spotted the Poindexter with the rapist glasses in the Winds of Plague picture? What instrument does he play, male organ?

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  12. Judging by the photograph, I thought Necro and Ill Bill formed a metal band.

    These ass-clowns are just further proof of how awesome OBITUARY is. Obituary: the true pioneers of the death metal wigger subculture. I know everyone hates Bullituary, but I revert to wiggerish arm movements every time I hear that track.

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  13. Does poindexter have a tattoo of ronald reagan on his arm in that last picture? Plus none of them hold guns properly, who doesnt rambo pose when given gun!

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  14. Wait a minute; are those giant "X's" on their hands? Does that mean they're straight edge? Awesome. Winds of Plague is an amalgam of everything that is stupid in white suburbia.

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  15. This band is fucking awful. I had to stay through their live set once and it was downright painful.

    On another note, have you heard that Metal Maniacs and Metal Edge are going to cease publishing? Another sign of the times and it really bums me out.

    I await Metal Inquisitions' commentary/eulogoy.

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  16. what was the terrorizer quote?? i havent seen the latest issue....

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  17. It was the one regarding japanese grindcore fans being rapist glasses wearing tentacle porn fanatics, they actually validated it in context of the article as well.

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  19. This bullshit makes no fucking sense. So overblown I'm practically liking it. What the hell?

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  20. I was wondering when it would come to this. I actually know this kid who is all into black metal but dresses like a wigger. Used to be he was one of a kind, now he's got a "band" to identify all those
    ill-fitting traits with...just awful......P.S why aren't any of them wearing the Marduk camo bomber jacket?
    http://i10.ebayimg.com/08/i/001/2c/ab/ce11_1.JPG

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  21. I played a bit of the video and a bit of sick came up into my mouth.

    Thanks.

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  22. Zena, I hadn't heard about the metal maniacs/edge closure... where did you hear about that? Kinda sad, I used to intern with Liz at Maniacs back in '03 :(

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  23. oh god, terrible... i think this the band whose token chick member posted her boobies on the lamb of god website for band exposure.

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  24. Hilarious!
    I just pissed my pants!
    Thanks!

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  25. just a little F.Y.I.

    theres picks of the keyboardst topless on teh internets. just for lolz thats all.

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  26. I wouldn't say wiggah hardcore is a new thing. Look at Sick Of It All - puffa jackets aplenty. But this meet Avenged Sevenfold and Bleeding Through in a terrible way. Or so I guess

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  27. is it all so new? a butterface goth chick is to winds of plague what a black dj is to mordred...what is another day in eternity?

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  28. a butterface goth chick is to winds of plague what a black dj is to mordred...what is another day in eternity?

    damn dude, that shit was profound!! MIND = BLOWN

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  29. Oof. I saw these guys at Blackest of the Black in November. My sister and I were pretty much groaning the entire time. Groaning or looking at each other in shock and annoyance, asking in unison "What is this?!" It just was awful.

    Also, on the identity crisis note- their set decorations were huge black scrolls with white Japanese writing.

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  30. A picture is worth 1000 words:

    http://stuff.maxim.com/articles/images/Original/homereats/nuts_and_gum.jpg

    Wooo!

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  31. You should have known it was going to blow just based on the band name. I stay away from bands that use "wind, autumn or any sort of calendar reference. Those bands tend to suck huge shitlogs, example "From Autumn to Ashes".

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  32. Bleep, bleep... Bloop-beeep-beeeep (just turned on the Nocturnus Time Machine). Criiiiiiiiick, criiiiiiiick, criiiiiiiick (just the the dial to July 14, 1943). Eeek, coopk... Wiiiiii, foop. Thomp! (just got into the time machine and picked a wedgy). Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... Crrruuuuckckc. (just traveled back in time 66 years). Aaasaaaaaargh! Splat! (just killed my gramma before she got a chance to leave Germany and eventually give birth to my dad, who would have met my mom and given birth to me. After a few decades I would have grown up to watch that video. Pheew! That was close. Thanks again, Nocturnus!

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  33. Is that the new Cryptopsy video?

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  34. Love the little detail that they have straight-edge "X"s on their hand and cocktail glasses and lines of coke on the table. That sums up the schizophrenia for me right there.

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  35. ah please WWIII come sort us all out!
    This generation needs some famine, sorrow, deathcamps etc.

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  36. I had the honor of hearing a bit of their album. I need to start looking at band pictures BEFORE I let a band spend time in my stereo.

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  37. zachary:

    ill bill and necro were in a GREAT death/thrash band called injustice when they were teenagers.



    zena:

    i sure hope that's not true, considering that i just renewed my subscription to metal maniacs yesterday. :/




    also, the wigger death metal band i used to play with did a gig or two with winds of plague. yeah, it's very lol-worthy. yeah, it's complete garbage. another band along the same lines but not as wiggerish: abigail williams.

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  38. """surgeon bong said...

    is it all so new? a butterface goth chick is to winds of plague what a black dj is to mordred...what is another day in eternity?"""

    True that!

    but don't sweat it y'all, this shit is done!! I was at a hardcore/punk fest in Orange County this fall and the bands Bleeding Thru and Everytime I'm Dying (one of those bands I don't know which) played to a lackluster response compared to gorilla biscuits + even stuff I thought was deader than dead, Strung Out, the vandals, etc..

    I swear I've posted this before, maybe on another blog... another observation, there were no kids there with died black hair and this was a big fest in the heart of the OC!

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  39. I usually just read blogs about my band and laugh. This one was done so well i had to give my kudos. So good work internet blog guy. Now, if you cant tell from the x's, guns, Murrays fine hair product and cocaine picture that its an obvious joke then your kinda dumb. The video wasnt quite as over the top as i had expected so i get that. We could have taken a normal picture or a video of us playing in a warehouse but those would go un noticed and wouldnt give you people something to blog about. Dont take metal so serious.

    Spermgrinder had the best comment for sure.

    D, they arent "set decoration scrolls" they are Japanese war flags you big dummy.

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  40. Yeah Sergeant D, don't take metal so seriously! That's the problem with this blog, it's just too fucking serious all the time. Why don't you guys lighten up and get a sense of humor? So serious, this blog. Fucking stoic.

    I especially like the misspelling of the "your kinda dumb" comment. Oh, the irony.

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  41. That wasnt directed towards Sergeant D. This whole blog is very entertaining. Lambgoat on steroids.

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  42. Hey Winds of Plague dude, if we can't get you all salty and pissed off, this isn't going to be very fun for anyone involved. Can you at least pretend to be a little more offended? Threaten someone? Come on man, make this awesome.

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  43. i wasn't joking when i said i wanted to bro down with these guys. they seem fun.

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  44. You just want some of that blow. I'm onto you.

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  45. Ah shit sorry, i forgot. Fuck all yall haters. Ill fucking kill you and stuff...

    Who wouldnt want that powdered sugar blow, its delicious.

    Sergeant D dude, your a good man, you can tear apart my band anytime.

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  46. My old band played a show with those guys once in Sacramento while we were on tour, but they were calling themselves Bleak December at the time. We saw the singer the next day in Hollywood, but he was in a rush, because he was on his way to acting class haha.

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  47. Maybe I'm broken or something, but I'm not hearing "black metal" anywhere in there. I just hear shitty, tenth-generation moshcore.

    Then again, I'm 29 years old and "black metal" apparently means something totally different to me than the kids today.

    I've noticed that to also be true with the words "emo," "scene," "hardcore," "heavy," "brutal," "vocals," and "not totally shitty."

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  48. N.S.F.W.
    http://www.metalsucks.net/2008/09/18/winds-of-plagues-kristen-randall-bares-more-than-just-her-soul-hint-its-her-boobs/

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  49. the comments on this entry rule.

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  50. is the guy with the glasses the kid of the long face guy in the money for nothing video by dire straits?

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  51. i admit, totally into below-average girls with muffin tops. and what?

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  52. Not to mention that it starts like a Whitesnake video from the 1987 era ... identity crisis or awesomeness?

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  53. this WoP song "reloaded" is pretty fucking awesome. seems like the kids would go nuts for it live.

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  54. Todd, what in the heck is "Moshcore"? Please tell me you just made that up, for the love of god, please...

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  55. moshcore would be hardcore/metalcore written and performed with the intent for retarded wiggers to mosh to it.

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  56. Wow, old news niggers

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  57. Nothin wrong with a little muffin top on a girl. Just sayin. She's hot in my opinion. I guess I'm just not shallow enough to think she's a "butter face."

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  58. Dude, this band has come so far from these first pictures and shit.

    It is so funny to me how everyone has jumped on the W.O.P. band wagon recently.

    The only guys I know who don't like them are "bloggers", and their seemingly endless supply of "followers".

    I, can honestly say I loved this band since the first moment I heard the intro track to their first full length as W.O.P. 'A Cold Day In Hell'.

    I never cared about what they wear on their heads or the semi-large "puffy jacket", because to me that is not what metal is about.

    This guy does not have the right mind set to be listening to music in general. He needs to stick Aaron Carter or 98 degrees if it is fashion he is sooooo concerned with.
    "Burch said...I had the honor of hearing a bit of their album. I need to start looking at band pictures BEFORE I let a band spend time in my stereo."

    If you dig the music, then why do you care about what they wear! Come on! haha

    Anyways, I think that is it.
    Usually I can brush it off on MetalSucks and Blabber, but seriously. Their was some ignorant ass shit going on here lol

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  59. ha that band happens to be amazing
    and your all a bunch of fucking faggots. "wigger" wow really? you dumbasses probably jerk your dick to ted nugent do the world a favor and kill yourselves and to that moron who said something about knocking the lead singers hat off, i wear a fitted come try to knock mine off
    pussy ass bitch

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  60. Blake, thanks for leaving pretty much the exact comment we would expect a Winds of Plague supporter to leave.

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  61. Awww, are we all venting?
    Poor babies, quit fucking crying, like who the fuck cares what they wear do they have to look like they've been dead for years for youre guys approval? NO SO FUCK YOU.

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  62. Awww, are we all venting?
    Poor babies, quit fucking crying, like who the fuck cares what they wear do they have to look like they've been dead for years for youre guys approval? NO SO FUCK YOU.

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  63. dude people like you make me sick calling them "wiggers" you know something i find only truly racist motherfuckers like yourself call people that , me being black i wear a fitted cap with my city on it with a band tee or whatever so your'll telling me since i wear a fucking cap i'm not a wigger but a nigger the word you wanna say but too much of a bitch to come out and say it well man your lame ass hell go fuck your mom hillbilly

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  64. lol@ the Mordred reference. I even own their first cd somewhere around here. My friend found it for a buck somewhere and thought itd be funny to give, haha. Anyway speaking of blogging metal, i started me own metal blog but it aint as funny i admit (but may go off some similar rants at times) mattowarriormetalmadness.blogspot.com I did an interview with Tom Angelripper recently

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