Monday, February 23, 2009

Hottest fashion accessory of the season: The dragon bag

Not just a fashion accessory, this bag has magical powers. Embedded deep within its leather eyes, are magic crystals that keep the opposite sex at least 50 feet away at all times.


When I think back to some of the things I've worn in my lifetime I cringe. Like any other true fashion pioneer, I was fearless. At my lowest point, I was a mix between a death metal fan, and a gang-banger from the movie Blood In Blood Out. To say I was confused is an understatement.

Is it weird that I wanted to look like these guys? Most metal fans would say "yes, very weird indeed", but the guys in Excruciating Terror would surely understand.



However badly I dressed, and perhaps continue to (what do I know?) I have to say that I was truly amazed and bewildered upon finding the dragon bag that you can see above. Out of all the fashion arenas into which I dipped my toes during my youth (and there are many), I'm proud to say that I never went into any kind of a goth direction. Not the black metal/goth route, not the NIN/goth route, not the The Cure/goth route, not the Nightmare Before Christmas/goth route. I know this is not saying much, but when you've been steeped in stupidity for long periods of time (as I have) you have to take both comfort and pride in the little things.


Nice lunchbox, what's in there...your balls?


Today, perhaps more than ever before, the line between goth and metal is blurred, at least to a partial outsider like me. When I used to Tivo Headbanger's Ball a couple of years ago, I was amazed by how many bands had female singers and dudes in bondage pants. Call me an old man, but I miss the days when musical styles and the fashions that went with them were clearely defined. Bermuda shorts and skateboard? Ah...you must be an Anthrax fan, good to meet you. Leather jacket, bullet belt, Slayer shirt and black boots? You, sir, are a speed metal fan...the pleasure is all mine.

Sometime around 1995, the world went upside down. Metal guys starting wearing bigger pants (even Chris Barnes wore JNCO jeans), then came the skate shoes and fashion accessories from other subcultures. When metal dudes started shaving their heads, I knew it was all over. By the time goth started to creep in (by way of black metal usually) I knew it was all over. Today, I found the picture of the dragon bag and I began to dream. I began to dream about a simpler time. A time when metal was metal, goth was goth and you knew where people stood. A time before ICP blended metal, with pseudo hip-hop and stupdity.


Is it male or female? Does it make a difference?


Once I saw a picture of this bag/monstrosity I began to wonder just how many misguided metal fans are out there, dreaming of rocking this thing along with an oversized Craddle Of Filth shirt, maybe sweet fishnet arm things, and those big bondage pants that appear to be all the rage in that subculture. In a way, you almost have to give these people credit, they have managed to make themselves unlikable at a time when you can like metal and all kinds of stupid music and still get plenty of action while you are still in high school.


Duh, doesn't he know that gray makes you look fat?

So while the picture of the bag will no doubt depress most people who have any sense of decency, it actually cheers me up. Today I can proudly say that there is at least one horrible metal trend that never had me as an active participant. Hoooray for me!

36 comments:

  1. What purpose does the the dragon bag serve besides ruining your posture and ensuring you won't get laid by someone who resembles a female?

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  2. I saw some yesterday at a festival. CoF shirts, those pants and white makeup and outrageous haircuts..
    Yet they looked like they were in their 30's.

    So much for being a teenage phase.

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  3. ugh, those last two pictures were disgusting...and yet, they also made my night/week. Cheers!

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  4. Holy shit, the gangbanger dudes are the badassest motherfuckers I've seen in nine to five years. I'm TOTALLY sold on how you'd want to look like those guys. As for the rest of these cunts, I give them a huge big MEH.

    I like to think one of my greatest achievements in life is not turning into a "metal dude" despite being heavily into the genre since I was one digit old. God damn those would've been some absurd days to live if that shit was the case.

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  5. If Danny Trejo isnt metal i dont know what is? if he had a dragon bag you can bet your ass it would be made of a real fucking dragon, or at least from chuck norris's skin.

    As for the rest i guess its kinda like self administered eugenics since the only people foolish enough to breed with them will be of similar appearance/girth/retardation. Ultimatly this will lead to them become so inhuman that we will have to cull them fearing them to be a manifestation of some sick biblical plague.

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  6. lucho doesn't dress badly, he just has room for improvement. i tried to get him to try on jeans at H&M and Forever 21 when we went to the mall, but he wouldn't do it. those are his only options for cool jeans because he's cheap, so Diesel and whatever else is off the list.

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  7. Times were tough for a juvenile Lucho. Role models for a scrappy South American were few and far between. Edward James Olmos might have made the cut if he weren't 104 years old. Luckily today we are awash in plenty of Hispanic culture. I'd like to see more of the Gabriel Inglesias side of L.M. or perhaps the guy from Training Day who got his shit pushed in.

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  8. Danny Trejo is bad ass. you know you are a tough dude when most of your bios start with "the son of a drug addicted criminal..."

    regarding the Sarge's comments, everyone should take note. As in our last post (regarding manowar), he pointed out that we deeply enjoy kicking others while they are down. that's what he's doing right now. see, it's our way of showing affection. he loves me, so he makes fun of my pants. i love manowar, so i make fun of their real estate holdings and low income.

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  9. The last one is Barf from Spaceballs
    http://www.geocities.com/hollywood/lot/5562/sball/sball8.jpg

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  10. You are so right on with this post. We all have some skeletons in our closets dress-wise (mine include: black and white striped spandex trousers, a pink bandana, a baseball cap with a badly stitched-on Nuclear Assault patch, ridiculously large hi-tops...), but that gothic shit always was an absolute no-go. When I see these suicidal scrawny little shits today, trying to guess wether they are male or female, I feel like punching them or bullying them until they really kill themselves. Gothic sucks!

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  11. I remember when the thrashers from the 80s started wearing bermudas... That was the end of it. Well, they needed them to be able to be comfortable on stage to jump to their infectious new groovy rhythms.... or when Max Cavalera went too far getting all those nasty dreadlocks. One thing was Jeff Walker's dreadlocks (those were awesome), another was Cavalera's ones.
    Anyway, when I think about subcultures, I think the only one that didn't change much (at least in clothing style) is underground punk. Unfortunately, now you get to see babies with mohawks with fat parents at costco.

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  12. Misfits, you are right about the Cavalera dreadlocks. For some reason, the Jeff Walker ones seemed cool and mildly punk. Cavalera's reeked of (among other things) Rob Flynn's disease.

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  13. I never got baggy bondage pants.
    the point of bondage pants is that they're BINDING, not loose and free.....eh whatever, the dude with the fucking fishnet arm bands AND a Dr Seuss shirt, which is more akin to pseudo-raver gear circa 1998 than goth, almost got the prize, but lo' the very last pic snatches it from his grubby hot pocket encrusted claw. Since gray shirt looks like an actual Dr Seuss character, along with ICP Boo-Berry as his toady(who kinda looks like Tom G.), together they emerge as champions.

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  14. Pencil, thank you for bringing up such an important point about these so called "bondage pants". they are indeed the OPPOSITE of bondage pants. these idiots are even bigger posers than I originally imagined!

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  15. I'm sure they'd be somewhat binding
    on some of these kooky spooks.

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  16. Jeff Walkers dreads were cool because he was in electro hippies and therefore were a link to his crusty punk past, where as max was merely a midlife crisis similar to Soulfly.

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  17. jeff walker used to date the main girl from Mythic, and was often seen in her college dorm in in the mid -90s...so the story goes.

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  18. When I read this sentence "Once I saw a picture of this bag/monstrosity I began to wonder just how many misguided metal fans are out there,..." I was looking at the picture right above it and I thought "well, that's a little harsh". Took me a while to realize that you were talking about the dragon-bag. My bad.

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  19. it applies to the goth fatties also, its okay.

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  20. As much as I like these posts, I'm still waiting for the much more groundbreaking and exclusive series "metalheads that actually understand fashion". I know this an enormous challenge, but I think you guys are up to it.

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  21. one thing i can side with mayhem and darkthrone on is the stupid ass death metal bermuda shorts or track suits. fuck that shit and fuck anthrax for starting such a stupid ass trend.

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  22. almost forgot to mention....scott iann was pretty much responsible for shaving the head and growing the stupid ass beards too.

    there should be Scott Ianns Disease.

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  23. All I have to say is: Nice Blood In, Blood Out shout out.

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  24. Either I feel old, or I feel smart. I never dressed like an asshole. Sure I wore black jeans and black band t-shirts (side note, isn't that how you know whom you are talking to? Cannibal Corpse t-shirt: death metal fan. Darkthrone t-shirt: grim black metal fan. In Flames t-shirt: either a fan of Swedish death metal or a metalcore fag) but I never wore makeup or accessories. No crappy bondage pants, no fishnet anything, no retarded crap.

    But I don't think this is a sign of the times. People wore stupid bondage pants and JNCO jeans when I was young also. They were into Marilyn Manson (not metal) and Green Day. They weren't metal, but people often confused them for metalheads. Honest mistake guys.

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  25. danny is metal as fuck:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umIsbaQ9cco :)

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  26. Fashionwise, I think no band could ever, ever, compare to Pantera. They have it ALL.

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  27. I only ever leave the house in full corpse paint, leather trousers, 12 inch nail armbands, chains and more spikes. I must admit it gets some funny looks at the bank where I work, but it's how I feel most comfortable.

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  28. I'm still waiting for the much more groundbreaking and exclusive series "metalheads that actually understand fashion"

    yeah i think that would be pretty tough to write. but maybe we could get some of my favorite brands like 55DSL, g-star, forever 21, volcom, H&M, glamour kills, and diesel to sponsor a shoot where we dress up shane embury in skinny jeans or something!

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  29. Lucho, are you a writer? as in a journalist or an author of sorts besides here? I would like to read more of your work if you are. I'm serious, all your posts are a fucking riot.

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  30. HA! ICP Boo Berry! I just spit coffee all over my keyboard. Once again a great milestone in investigative journalism by the MI team.

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  31. Haha, that backpack look a bit too familiar. I may not know much about fashion, but I do remember my toys.

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  32. would-bevisionary, you are very kind. I would love to tell you that I'm secretly Lonn Friend, or some other RIP or Metal Edge contributing editor who is currently out of a job and insanely bitter. Such is not the case. I don't write professionally in any capacity (best shown by the fact that i'm not sure how to spell "professionally", hope i got it right.) I have written some articles as an amateur on drastically different subjects before...but they would put you to sleep. i mean it, i'm not just saying that. for that reason, i'm confident when i tell you that you can keep checking MI for some of my better pieces. again, thank you.

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  33. i'm a metal head and i've always been a fan of the Vato Loco look, but then again i'm from california. the prison gang/suicidal tendencies look is pretty timeless.

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  34. I saw some similar to this one week ago at a festival at my hometown.

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  35. So nice post about hottest fashion accessory of season .

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