Metal Inquisition Investigative Report: Metal Real Estate (Part 4)

As I've stated before, one unfortunate aspect of metal is the lack of information about the earnings of metal musicians. In sports, for example, this type of information is often public. Why not in metal? I have long asked for complete transparency in the realm of metal...but my calls to Steamhammer records have gone unanswered, so too have my faxes to Wild Rags. It's for this reason that we here at Metal Inquisition have decided to roll up our sleeves and once again check into these matters the only way we know how. Real estate.

It just so happened that as we were starting this investigation, a fantastic email from a reader who lives in the same town as Manowar came into our mailbox. The email featured all kinds of fantastic insight as to what it's like to be at ground zero of the Manowar epidemic. Notice that I use the term "ground zero", which is often used in the context of 9-11...because in a way, Manowar itself is a good bit like a musical 9-11.

Manowar...pioneers in homoerotic attire since 1980.

As with all information we publish, we had to be thorough in checking out just how factual the reader's information was. As it turns out, it all checked out in multiple ways...and thank god for that. As a result of his email, our readers will now have a more thorough picture of what it's really like to be in and around Manowar. Prepare yourself...you are moments away from reading about how the KINGS OF METAL really live their lives. It's gonna' be a bumpy ride. Get ready.




FACT #1: Joey DeMaio lives in the basement of his parents' house in Auburn NY

I know, it's not hard to believe at all. Actually, it's barely shocking...but knowing that it's actually true is simply fantastic. It's a bit like when the gay community found out that Rosie O'Donnell was actually a lesbian. They already knew about it...but having it out in the open gave them all the ability to finally move on.


This is the house Joey lives in. It's worth $190,000. As before, our non-American readers can convert this amount, and other amounts in this article, into their own currency here. Yes, it's out of the basement of this house that Joey runs his musical empire. Maybe when his parents move away or retire in Boca, he'll inherit the house. Could that be his sweet Ford Probe out front? Nothing says "metal" like a fifteen year old American coupe with four cylinders that puts out a "meh" inducing 110 horse power. By the way, look at all the weeds growing in and around the driveway...Joey's mom is going to be pissed! Joey better get out there and do some weeding...pronto! I can hear her saying "Joey, I don't care if you are the King Of Metal. You better be the King Of Weeding, go out there and take care of that driveway!"

Who's that sexy Italian beast wearing the karate uniform? And what about that Casio watch and platform shoes? It's the one and only king of metal of course! He probably keeps this amazing outfit in a closet at his mom's house. Mom threatens to throw it out during every spring cleaning...and Joey flips out each and every time.

As much of a pain as it probably is to have a leech like Joey living in your basement, he also happens to be a nice Catholic boy. Oh yes indeed. Joey is a member of the Knights Of Malta, a catholic order of some kind with a very confusing history. Check out Joey wearing some sweet robes. He looks like an aging, upstate New York, Italian dracula:



Can you imagine being Joey's mom, and seeing him in his dracula robe, or his furry armor sneaking fat 19 year old girls down into the basement? The woman is a saint.

Here we see Joey with his parents, who no doubt cry themselves to sleep over what a joke their pathetic son has turned out to be. See the microwave oven in the back? That's where Joey's mom has tried to put her head during numerous suicide attempts.

Regarding Joey, our reader states:

I have the great misfortune being from the same shithole town as Manowar. One of the perks of living here, though, is that I can get close looks at Joey DeMaio's thinning, dyed hair as he shops for broccoli at the local grocery store. You see dudes wearing Manowar shirts around town all the time. Guys of that age probably went to high school with them, and knew them before they were 'rock stars'. I can imagine how things were in the early 80's when all the local scumbags were into metal. Now, things have changed all of their illegitimate children are a bunch of wiggers. I don't know what's worse.

FACT #2: Karl Logan wears a fanny pack, and gives guitar lessons to 11 year olds.

I know, I know...these are not exactly revelations, but aren't you grateful to know these things are actually true? Our reader also filled us in on the fact that Karl lives in this house (see below), which he rents. Since he rents, I wont bother giving you the price...but looking at the picture, I think you'll agree that you could probably trade a bag of potatoes for it.

The building where Karl Logan lives, which was previously Manowar's practice space. What did you expect...a castle with torches and a mote?

Our reader tells us more:

Karl Logan is the local guitar teacher and lives in some shitty old building that Manowar used to rehearse in. He drives a beat up pickup with "9/11 was a lie" bumper stickers on it. Did I mention he wears a fanny pack everywhere? Living here, I get to see Karl pulling cash out of the fanny pack he wears everywhere to pay for his coffee (dude kinda reminds me of Mantas in that laugh-out-loud funny looking kinda way).

FACT #3: Eric Adams works construction to make ends meet

I know, I know...you probably figured that this was the case. I wish I lived in Auburn so I could have Eric Adams come and do the drywall in my basement. I would blast Manowar upstairs as he huffed and puffed carrying sheets of drywall down the steps. Can you imagine? It would be amazing. Mr. Adams lives in a modest home. A VERY modest home that costs $69,000.

Look above the door, at least the guy has satellite TV. Good for him. I guess you could call this "the house that being the King of Metal built", or "the house that singing at children's parties built". Either will do.

As pointed out by one of our readers, Eric also teaches archery classes at the local Bass Pro Shop. You can read about his hunting abilities in the local news sources here. Eric also seems to perform music at children's festivals. But don't judge him, I'm sure he performs a catalog that is very high in metal content.

Much like a dead bird's feathers which loose their luster after the years, Eric's hair appears to loose both its pizzazz and its hair dye when he's not on the road. What the hell kind of hair color has his plumage faded down to? Is he trying to blend into the surroundings as part of his camouflage? I can't believe he gets away with hunting when he lives so close to Syracuse. If Karl Crisis hears about this, there's gonna' be trouble.

Our reporter on the street tells us:

I get to eavesdrop on Eric Adams' (real name Lou Marullo, his stage name is a combination of his kids' names) tales of glory at recent European festivals, while watching high school football games. Eric lives in a small house, right next door to a metal foundry on some depressing little street. Perhaps that's where they get their swords made. He does construction work on his off time from the band, which probably equates to 11 months a year. One of his kids is in a joke cover band called Motley Crouton that plays the shithole bars around here.

Sweet 'stache Eric...now go do my drywall!

If you want to go further into the world of all things Manowar, check out Eric's son's MySpace page here. You can also check out his band's page here.

In closing:
Do any readers have any input about other metal demi-stars, their monetary earnings or real estate holdings? Let us know.

Also, if the reader who sent us this email, or any other resident of Auburn can send in pictures of Eric carrying drywall, or Joey buying broccoli...you'll get many, many thanks from us, and the entire world. The only guy who won't thank you will be this 17 year old who just got inked. Imagine his surprise when he figures out that he makes more money bagging groceries part-time than Joey does. Ouch.



In the past, postings about Machine Head and Rob Flynn's Disease (RFD for short) got us an insane number of page views, mostly from angry fans. Our posts also initiated heated, angry diatribes in Machine Head boards. Let's see what this post does to Manowar fans. I can't wait.

Shitty metal logos get props from the shitty design community

We all know what fags designers are, right? Fashion designers, industrial designers (I know they sound tough, but they aren't) and, of course, graphic designers. Graphic designers are the dickless shits responsible for the UPS trucks being that ugly-ass brown and for those uber-gay ipod ads. Yeah, yeah, you're cool. You know how to push a few buttons in some crappy Adobe program and you think you are better than the rest of us. I know a few graphic designers here and there and, believe me, they actually think that what they do is important. I'm not kidding. With the exception of actors, graphic designers are the most narcissistic, arrogant, big headed, proud, conceited, immodest, vain, self-important, self-satisfied, self-righteous and self-involved people in the planet. Don't believe me? Go to a bookstore and check out the graphic design section. There are hundreds and hundreds of books by designers for designers about design. They think that what they do is so vital that the world needs book after book about design. In reality, they just wanna make themselves feel better about sitting in front of an over priced ibook making pretty pictures all day.

One of these books caught my eye recently and it illustrates just how out-of-touch these black-turtleneck-wearing fags really are. The book is called "BAND ID- The Ultimate Book of Band Logos". Wow! We're lucky it's the ultimate one. See? Even in their book titles they exaggerate their importance. Anyway, this collection was put together by this dude named Bodhi Oser. He's basically a hippie looser from Venice Beach, who wouldn't last a second in a serious Biohazard pit. So, what does he know about metal? Nothing, but the combination of his ignorance and his self-righteousness make for a funny-ass book.

I know the pics are blurry and crappy, but I "borrowed" the book from this dude in my office while he was in the crapper, so I was short on time, y'know?




I can see why designers would like this logo. It's sorta symmetrical and shit, but that "L" looks like an "S" with down syndrome. I still can't get over the thought of some trendy faggy designers sitting around a conference room table discussing whether or not the Death Angel logo would "make the cut". It's just fucking preposterous.




I always loved the Anthrax logo. I'm not sure why. Maybe 'cuz it's not symmetrical, like the other thrash metal logos of the time. The Nuclear Assault logo is chuck-full-o-horribleness. I find the "E" and the double "SS" offensive on grounds of really bad typographical balance.


Emperor and their shitty logo, with skinny Ethiopian letters, can suck my balls. So can Mortiis. I'm sure he did the logo himself. God, it's as terrible as his "music". On a more positive note, Death's logo is bad-ass. Sure, the "T" is three times thicker than the rest of the letters, but it's a cross! Upside-down? Not really. It's a mystery, just like why the band started to suck shit after Leprosy. I love the Napalm Death logo, simply because it's obvious the original was rendered by a 16 year old using a ball-point pen.



Obituary and Venom are two of the radest logos in the book and they share a page! Wait, maybe the author knew something about metal after all... Nah, beginner's luck.



BARF! This whole page is shit. The Moonspell logo would be cool if the letters were fatter and more manly, but I guess that's something black metal knows nothing about, huh? My Dying Bride's logo looks like Micheal J. Fox drew it.



Cradle of Filth and Hatebreed suck, fuck'em. I probably stand alone here, but I love Pungent Stench, therefore my judgement on their logo is biased. I have the Been Caught Buttering t-shirt and I wear it all the time to this very day.



Hahaha! Overkill shares the page with a whole bunch of other shitty bands!



Morbid Angel's logo has probably won multiple awards in the design community as the shittiest logo in history. And that probably included the "logo" from "Tacos Pedrito", a tiny taqueria by my house. God, look at that "A"! It's as painful as their music! The "G" holding the pitchfork has to be the worst use of a letter form since cuneiform was invented in 3000BC.
Dark Throne's looks like it was done in ink and they left it outside when it was raining. In a Norwegian forest, of course.




I like Entombed's logo and I think Carcass' looks like a used tampon. The Chasm, Usurper and Hate Eternal's logos were designed to give Morbid Angel's a run for it's money. Congrats guys, you almost made it.



I don't know what to say about this page, other than: WTF!? Municipal Waste? I'm pretty sure Seth Putnam never thought that his retarded doodles of assholes and vaginas would end up in a book about logos. Hmmm... Nox needs to... I don't know what they need to do, but whatever it is it should be funny and make them disappear. Forever.



The only good thing about the Scorpions logo is that I could re-create it on my shitty PC as a kid by just using a pre-loaded font. Other than that this page is pretty rad. Maiden, Priest, Annihilator and Testament. Solid bands, solid logos.


If I had real testicles when I was 15, all 3 of these logos would be tattooed on my body. Thank God I didn't grow balls until I was 20! Well, I don't think the Obituary tattoo is much better.



Another 3 logos I'd tattoo on my body. The Exodus one is a little weak, 'cuz the "E" and the "S" are all slouched, but it's still pretty metal. Kreator and Destruction logos adorned every other page in my notebooks in school for years.



I'm not sure what to make of the little bat flying over the Kind Diamond logo, but other than that KD's is a classic logo and, like their music, way better than Merciful Fate's. I know I'm gonna get the typical "you don't know what you're talking about, MF rule." blabber. Save it, MF sucks.



You know what doesn't suck? Slayer logos. It's tough to judge the logo of such an awesome metal band without allowing their awesomeness get in the way of your judgement, but the sword pentagram is SO bad-ass that just drawing it makes you more metal. The newer one they used on "Seasons" sucks. It's basically a font. It's called Ironwood. It fucking sucks.


Hmmm... I guess this is as good a time as any to tell you all that I'm a graphic designer

Cemetery Rapist invents "cornfield slam"

We are probably all familiar with the term "wigger," and I will not invite controversy by explaining it here. But what you do not hear so much about is "wignecks," which as you might guess combine the best of wiggers and rednecks. For example they might drive a pickup truck, listen to T-Pain, and chew tobacco while wearing a Metallica shirt and Starter jacket. If you are not from the US, you are probably very confused right now. Don't feel bad, wignecks don't make sense to me either. But they're kind of like chavs, if that helps at all.

In any case, wignecks have largely been absent from the metal scene... until now. Cemetery Rapist is a one-man band that plays "cornfield slam metal", straight out of the fields of Illinois. They are the world's first wigneck slam band. They also operate "Fuck The Ass Records," a splendid record label that I am sure is rivaled only by the likes of Wild Rags in terms of both quality and selection.

With the advent of cornfield slam, I believe the world has officially invented every imaginable genre of music.

Lividity shirt = MENSA membership